Madlove Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Hi I'm new to the forum. I've been reading through the threads...reading a lot from the male perspective and now see what my husband must be feeling. I recently got married 6 months ago. Two months ago my husband and I had an argument about finances but it led to a discussion about how he feels sexually frustrated and unappreciated. We've had these discussions before we were married. We were together for 3 years before we married. He says he has been unhappy with our sex life for most of the time we've been together. The first time we talked about our sex issue (1 year into our relationship) he admitted he thought our lack of sex (3- 4x's/month) had to do with my not being attracted to him. I quickly explained it had been my weight gain and the insecurity from it that kept me from being sexually available (never had issues with sex prior to weight gain or in past relationships). He said he was tired of initiating sex and tired of being rejected when he did. Initiating sex was hard for me (very insecure) so I didn't...which made the situation even worse (probably had sex once a month). From that point on the only time he would bring up his sexual frustration was in the middle of a random argument. Looking back, I admit I probably didn't think it was as big a problem as it is now because he never initiated a conversation about it...only brought it up during arguments about something completely different. Now we're in this place, 6 months into our marriage, where he has shut down. Realizing how unhappy he is I have been trying to make the effort. During the argument, he said my weight had never been a problem for him...something he never actually said in the past and for whatever reason it got through to me. Maybe, I needed to hear him say it, though he never said it was ever a problem. I realized then that his attraction for me was as strong as it was when he met me. I now initiate sex. I create romantic moments, I'm making the effort, but he can't seem to get past his anger and I'm left feeling rejected. He said he was more angry at himself for settling in the beginning of the relationship. I asked him if he can get past it and he said he wasn't sure. I asked him if he wants a divorce. He said he doesn't know, that he can't just pretend the last 3 years didn't happen. He said he loves me but the efforts I'm making now makes him believe I could've done this all along but chose not too for whatever reason. For him, even the thought of initiating sex will never happen. I don't know what to do. I love him so much but he's so angry and unhappy. He has completely withdrawn, though we do things as a couple (meet friends, go out to dinner, etc) he doesn't initiate sex or if I do, when we're done, he withdraws again. Is our marriage salvageable. If not, for the sake of his happiness, I will do what he is unable to and that is file for divorce. Please advise. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Can you do something softer to initiate like buy & wear some new lingerie & light some candles in the bed room? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Madlove Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Can you do something softer to initiate like buy & wear some new lingerie & light some candles in the bed room? I've been doing that. Lingerie, candle lights, favorite dinners, massage. I've been romancing. We make love but then he becomes despondent again. I've been doing this for a few weeks now. If it takes years for him to come around I'm willing and able but what struck me was what he said..he doesn't know if he will stop feeling like this. I read other threads where guys have said when they were done, they were done. If there isn't hope, then I want to set him free so he doesn't resent staying. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 It sounds like you both have insecurities and never really communicated your needs persistently and clearly. Now, there is a lot of hurt and misunderstanding. I think you can get past this. Have you explained to him that it is due to your own insecurities and not about not loving him? Maybe try marriage counseling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Some of this may sound raw - just speaking from the gut.... ..... so as a man in a low sex marriage, I see a wife "get it" and try to put in the effort and ramp up the sex and fun - admit it was totally her issue (not her attraction to him) and he is still unhappy. If he was his buddy I would take him out for beers and set him straight. but Yes I get (really I do) how the resentment builds up over the years and can change a person - but he has to get over it. He "put up with" (sorry to say it that way) lower sex for years it sounds maybe you just need to keep at it (more sex) for a while longer. know remember - candles and romance and I love you's - all are great - but for a man - plain old raw lust is best - I mean spur of the moment get down and take care of him only events..... also the praise on how sexy and strong and how much you respect and admire him as a man - and your going to stick with him just like he stuck with you. Basically "I understand I messed up and did not hear you, I think your the man for me, and I am going to make sure you know it from now on" Some MC might also be in order. I think to a certain extent since sex was like this before marriage and he married you anyway (as I hear you say) he has to own some of this problem. Its not like it was every day before the wedding and then once a month afterwards. You are to be praised for trying to improve this part of your marriage and love. Edited June 30, 2014 by dichotomy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Some of this may sound raw - just speaking from the gut.... ..... so as a man in a low sex marriage, I see a wife "get it" and try to put in the effort and ramp up the sex and fun - admit it was totally her issue (not her attraction to him) and he is still unhappy. If he was his buddy I would take him out for beers and set him straight. but Yes I get (really I do) how the resentment builds up over the years and can change a person - but he has to get over it. He "put up with" (sorry to say it that way) lower sex for years it sounds maybe you just need to keep at it (more sex) for a while longer. know remember - candles and romance and I love you's - all are great - but for a man - plain old raw lust is best - I mean spur of the moment get down and take care of him only events..... also the praise on how sexy and strong and how much you respect and admire him as a man - and your going to stick with him just like he stuck with you. Basically "I understand I messed up and did not hear you, I think your the man for me, and I am going to make sure you know it from now on" Some MC might also be in order. I think to a certain extent since sex was like this before marriage and he married you anyway (as I hear you say) he has to own some of this problem. Its not like it was every day before the wedding and then once a month afterwards. You are to be praised for trying to improve this part of your marriage and love. This. He only has himself to blame for not trying to do anything about this issue before you married. He needs to move past it. Maybe you could both benefit from marriage counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Your husband is a saint. Once a month and I would have walked out after 6 months. My wife currently withholds (we used to have sex daily or more for years and this year it's been more like 2 to 3 tines a week average over the last 9 months) and it's driving me insane. I also only bring it up during arguments v because it's kind of embarrassing to bring it up out of the blue like I'm some kind of pig. I do get moody after a few days without sex and I admit that is on me and I'm trying to improve. If my wife started initiating more often I'd be over the moon though. Tell him to buck up. Btw my wife is also largish I am still very attracted to her. What? You were saying it's once a week and now it's 2-3 times?! That's pretty good. If you require sex daily you might want to look into sex addiction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 It fluctuates. At the beginning of the year it was 2-3. Then it briefly went to 4-6. Then back to 2-3. Then down to 1-2. For a few weeks it WAS 1 per week. Now its about 2-3. I'm just trying to take an average. No I don't need to look into sex addiction thanks. I'm just wanting what we had a year and a half ago and before. I really don't see why it has to change. I feel cheated and tricked. You are not entitled to sex on a daily basis. People's bodies change with time. Sex drives change with time. It's life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Dan has a number of his own threads going about his issues. how 'bout we stick to the topic of this thread. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I agree with Dichotomy and Pink Sugar. This is going to take some time and some counseling may even need to come into play. I understand you are trying to step up to the plate and that is good, but it is going to take some time. Anyone can play-act for a period of time. Anyone can put on some lingerie and talk like some soap opera seductress for a few weeks. Anyone can pretend to be a porn star for awhile until the dust settles and the talk of divorce etc has died down. What needs to take place here is that he has to see day in and day out on an ongoing basis that you do desire him and that you are a sexual being and that you do want him, even though you may have some body-image issues (which we all do, he obviously does too) but while you need to keep it up and show him that you aren't an ice queen that doesn't want him, he needs to step up to the plate and play fair too. even though You may have some insecurities that have held you back, you still need to feel wanted and desired too. In order for you to feel desire FOR him, you have to feel desired BY him. It is a two-way street. IMHO I do not feel that this marriage is a lost cause at all. But I do think it's going to take some work and initiative by both of you. His ego and his confidence may have taken a hit by your years of rejection and cold shoulder and he may have just cause to still have some resentment. And he certainly has just cause to be concerned that that you are just putting on a show and going through the motions at the moment and have concerns that you will backslide into your old ways in a matter of days or weeks. It may be reasonable for him to need to see some sincere effort from you, but it's not reasonable for him to get lazy and put it all on your shoulders. He still needs to step up to the plate and be a man too. Since this is largely dealing with open communication issues and false assumption issues and body image issues , this is something that is well in the scope of practice for a competent marriage counselor and counseling may actually help quite a bit and get you both on the right track. Don't throw in the towel on this until you've been at it with full effort and good faith for at least several months and with some professional counseling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 How long can you naturally sustain a pace he is happy with? Without getting resentful and feeling like it is a chore? What if you have kids and you cant keep up anymore? If you will spend the next 40 years always bickering about sex, you're better off with more suitable partners. Why did he propose if this was a deal beaker? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts