Doubts in my heart

[lonegirl]

First of all lots of apologies by the lenght of this, I can't see a better way to resume and explain my situation in short words or without providing some background to my story.

 

By my threads you can see a bit of what I'm passing through the last year. In resume, I'm a woman in her middle 30s who's living currently with someone in another country.

 

I had 3 long relationships since my 20s, and no break between each other. It's like all my adult life I spent with someone, and totally focused in adapting to other person's life to fit in a relationship. I went to live with someone when I was 20, we were together for 10 years, even got married for a year and it didn't work so well in the end; had a relationship with another man for 3 years and it ended bad because he was abusive (physical), and right after (two weeks) I ended this relationship my current partner came into my life.

 

I'm with my partner for almost one year now, at his country and his home, trying to restart my life, find a job and adapt to the culture, away from family, friends and everything that you can call a "home" we are mostly used to.

 

We love each other, but we had terrible ups and downs, and I am not gonna blame him only of course but myself too. I'm not a saint or perfect, and I have a strong personality, but I'm the kind of person that always put the blame on myself for everything I do, I try to correct bad behaviors and stuff. We both hurt each other deeply a few times but we try in the name of our love and friendship to overcome what happened and move on.

 

I came here with doubts, not about him but about life in itself; I'm not the same girl from my 20s, full of dreams and courage to fight for life and love as before, as my past left me with some scars I find hard to heal. We have talked many times before about this, I told him my fears, he understood them but he's the kind of impulsive person that wants something and never gives up. So I came, because I thought I could be so strong again I had to do it. I knew all the difficulties I was going to pass through but I thought "hey it's life so let's go".

 

What bothers me the most about him is:

 

1. He's the kind of jealous person that stalks what I'm doing online. I totally cut this off, and set strong boundaries such as telling to stop chasing me online as I'm not doing anything wrong to harm him. Told him this is stressing and that I'm a grown up woman and will keep my freedom and privacy to browse, communicate with friends and keep my passwords him liking it or not. He stepped back a few times but comes back doing it again from time to time; he is also the kind of person that is jealous of someone looking at me on the street, and blames me for this as I could control other men's behaviors. It's stressful.

 

2. He had a troubled past with family, life and relationships. Even drugs. But now he's clean, working and very well, which makes me very happy and I try to keep my best a nice environment for him to keep working for his life in the right path. These problems he had sent him to a rehab center for almost two years.

About this, what he learned there I feel he tries to apply to me. He is the kind of person that, instead of a compliment or positive reinforcements, truly believes you must push someone at their worst to try to make them be stronger.

 

I have a huge problem with this and we had long conversations about it. I said, calmly and many times in more heated ways, that he can't just apply to me what he learned in his rehab center as I'm not him nor have the same background as he had. Nor he is a therapist! I sometimes feel like I'm dealing with a second father.

 

3. He never compliments me, and has a hard time pronouncing "I love you". Always jokes or makes a strange face when I say this after we make love, and once told me he didn't like it after sex.

 

He always told me I'm not the prettiest girl but he loved me anyways (overall I'm not ugly at all, I'm a very pale brunette with pitch black straight hair and big brown eyes, slender figure, big lips, long legs and I have nice breasts too). My boyfriend is handsome for real, not because I love him. He is truly handsome, perfect face, green eyes and has a great body. But he said that to me so many times, that I'm pretty but not the prettiest I believe him. I don't wanna be shallow, but women can understand what I mean... Is not the most pleasant thing to hear from the man you live you're not the best or all that.

 

Last Sunday he got jealous because I went to my old Facebook account to recover some family pics, and in there I had some pics of mine from 4 yrs ago. He got pissed and stopped speaking to me. When I went to talk to him about what was bothering him, he said he thought I was missing something from my past and thought I went in there to check the memories. That wasn't true, I explained the real deal to him but got defensive at the same time saying he can't control if I want my old pictures or my family pictures or if I have an old deactivated Facebook account from 4 years ago!

 

What came next crushed me like a bug. He exploded just saying for me to get over, because I would never be the best person or the prettiest person in the world, among other things. I mean, what? I have no idea why he said that as I wasn't even thinking about being pretty or ugly or whatever, was just recovering old pics! I couldn't even open my mouth as I felt the tears dropping from my eyes almost immediately. Oh geez, how hard is to hear these things from someone you LOVE and you think is the best everything in the world and when you're doing your best in this terrible mess and can't change who you are!

 

He apologized... I spent all evening thinking this should end. We talked later and I decided to stay as I DO love him, and besides this we have a great friendship and a relationship we still make each other laugh. We still care about each other. But I won't lie this is setting me down as the lowest thing that walks in this planet. I have sometimes the feeling that he is in love with someone that is not ME, but someone he idealized in his head and I most of the times feel the pressure of not being able to meet these expectations. Several times he said he is just waiting for the great woman I am to wake up and start living. I'm doubting my own mind in here, but by the background we have I feel this was not said in a good way of setting me up, but like he was expecting me to be someone I am not.

 

I'm truly dealing with a lot right now. Not having a job yet because I am still not fully legal in here, I'm in process of getting my papers; staying at home taking care of the house (ok to me as I love cleaning) and going out to shop for supplies while he is at work; away from family, friends, culture, my dog, maybe losing job opportunities I would have easy in my hometown; thinking about the joy of our good moments, but afraid of when will be the next fight, how it will be and how we will harm each other this time.

 

Something inside me says "end it" but at the same time "you love him, don't do it". I would love to hear some opinions about of what I just told. I'm not sure at all if these things are normal relationship chores, if I'm on the wrong place... I don't know!

[KaliKatherine]

It's hard to find one's way in a new city, let alone a new country!

 

I understand for most of your adult life, you've been in a committed relationship. Your last relationship was abusive, where you probably developed certain cognitive tactics to deal with your mate. When that relationship ended you quickly moved onto a new relationship, perhaps without truly internalizing and learning all that you needed to about what kept you in that abusive relationship. It also sounds like you are already in the position of being dependent (financially) on this new relationship.

 

From the specific concerns you have outlined, I see some overall patterns of controlling behavior ( the jealousy, novice-therapy) and an overall lack of respect for your feelings. You've clearly explained to him how the novice-therapy makes you feel, and it sounds as if he is continuing to do this?

 

The final incident you describe at the end of your post sounds to me like a form of crazy-making or gas-lighting, as well as once again completely lacking in respect for your feelings.

 

I have to be honest, if I knew you I real life I'd ask you to think seriously about what real love is...I'd encourage you to keep your finances separate from your SO. if you have intuitive feelings about him being in love with your image rather than the real you, look at the history of what his actions and words have shown you. trust your intuition.

 

however much you love this man, to me the are far too many things here that appear to be setting you up for a controlling relationship, with already some overtones of emotional abuse.

 

I hope you are able to make some connections with others in your new area you can trust and perhaps use as a sounding board.

 

Wishing you thebest and that the LS community can be of some help to you.

[Eivuwan]

I think you need to stay away from relationships for awhile and learn more about what You want and who You are. You keep repeating the same patterns because you haven't taken breaks between relationships. Why do you keep picking men who disrespect you. Why do you keep picking men that you have to adapt your life to. What are Your needs and wants?