swamp1984 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Based on my cancer history I am at risk of a cancer recurrence. If something were to happen to where my cancer comes back or if I come down with a terminal cancer then I'll probably divorce my wife. But I will make the process easy for her. I will be the one to move out of the house even though my name is the only name on the mortgage. I'll let her have the house and I'll go move into an apartment. If I can't find an affordable one then I'll spend my last days in my truck. I just want to be left alone if & when the time comes that the cancer cannot be cured. I can just tell her the bad news of the diagnosis and say "Since we now know for a fact that I'm going to die soon then I feel it's time we go our separate ways. I'm moving out and you can have the house. If you need help with some issue I'll come by and fix it but I don't want to live here anymore. I want a divorce". We don't have any children so I don't have to worry about persevering in my marriage until they turn 18 years old. I think this will be best for both of us. It saves her the trouble of contemplating a very difficult decision to stay or leave her husband in his last days. My wife has needs to and I can't imagine any woman willing to do without sex while waiting for her husband to die. There's a good chance that as the cancer progresses I will have sexual dysfunction problems or I will just be plain too tired for sex. The only thing I want to do in my last days is just lay around like a vegetable and play video games. That's it. I don't want to be around my wife or friends or family. Someone might say "but you already signed a contract til death do us part". Yeah but that's open for interpretation. What do they mean by death in this context? Is it until the physical body actually expires or is it anytime in the body's shutting down process? If I'm dying and it's just a matter of time before the cancer takes me then in one sense I'm already gone since as the cancer metastasizes I am likely to not be the same man that my wife fell in love with. So it's better that I take charge of a situation that is a sinking ship. It's kind of like working at a job and I see signs ahead of time that point to a high likelihood of me getting fired then it would be better for myself and for the company to just give my 2 weeks notice and quit. Quitting is less damaging on my work history than being fired. Plus it saves my Boss the time it takes to escort me to his office to have the talk about letting me go. Better to take charge of the situation and bow out gracefully.
SoleMate Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 This is very sad. I hope the illness isn't terminal, but if it is a loving wife would want to be there with you and comfort you. Divorcing her without any discussion seems cruel and unfair. Obviously you're suffering and worried, but have you looked at things from her actual POV? Have you asked her how she really feels and what she wants to do? 3
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 The only thing I want to do in my last days is just lay around like a vegetable and play video games. That's it. I don't want to be around my wife or friends or family. Your decision to make. But the reality is that life goes on. Do you want to leave your loved ones with a legacy of sadness and guilt that they weren't able to be there for you ? Are you sure you wouldn't take some solace in their presence? Would seem best to make your decisions as you go along based on how you feel... Mr. Lucky 3
Author swamp1984 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) It is all for the best for myself and everyone around me. Another thing is that once I break ties and get some distance then all the pressure is taken off of me to keep a positive attitude in front of other people. I feel I will no longer have that obligation to put on a positive attitude face after the divorce. And nobody wants to be around someone who is not positive and upbeat anyway whether they have terminal cancer or not so maybe in due time everyone and my wife will look back and see that the divorce was a blessing in disguise. Edited June 8, 2014 by swamp1984
Author swamp1984 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 The divorce shouldn't be much skin off of my wife's back. She will be entitled to half my retirement money and still keep her health benefits. I served in the Military for 22 years. I will make sure she keeps those benefits for a lifetime.
dichotomy Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) Deleted - no point. Edited June 8, 2014 by dichotomy 1
pie2 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Easy. Just look this up, and then find help here. And here. Done!
Hope Shimmers Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 If you truly want to be left alone and don't want you wife with you at the end, then okay. That is a different thing than protecting your wife. Please stop making decisions for her. She married you and deserves to be a part of whatever happens with either of you. Don't make decisions for her because you think you are protecting her! Please talk to her. 4
Author swamp1984 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 I can either pay now or pay later. I'm going to pay one way or the other. I can either divorce her when the time comes that I am declared terminal or wait until she divorces me because I failed to keep a positive attitude about life in my last days. Those are my 2 options. Either way I'm going to get my wish to die alone as most people will pull away regardless if I want to be alone or not.
Hope Shimmers Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I can either pay now or pay later. I'm going to pay one way or the other. I can either divorce her when the time comes that I am declared terminal or wait until she divorces me because I failed to keep a positive attitude about life in my last days. Those are my 2 options. Either way I'm going to get my wish to die alone as most people will pull away regardless if I want to be alone or not. You have chosen not to hear or respond to anyone who posted to you. What do you want from us here? 2
Eivuwan Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 You make your relationships with your love ones sound so business-like... Do you not believe that they love you? Do you really think that if you start dying that they would be concerned about things like sex, money, and whether or not you are having a positive attitude?! Before you close yourself off to your love ones, maybe you should talk to them about what you are going through. It seems as though you have never trusted them and you believe that by shutting them off now, it would hurt less than if they abandoned you later. However, I doubt that they would abandon you. Is this some sort of test for your wife? Please talk to her about your feelings before you make such serious decisions. She is an important person to you...is she not? 1
soccerrprp Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) I can either pay now or pay later. I'm going to pay one way or the other. I can either divorce her when the time comes that I am declared terminal or wait until she divorces me because I failed to keep a positive attitude about life in my last days. Those are my 2 options. Either way I'm going to get my wish to die alone as most people will pull away regardless if I want to be alone or not. I can't help thinking that perhaps you are anticipating abandonment. This must be from a lifetime of neglect on your part. Maybe you've been an a$$ and see how your treated others will now come back to bite you in the butt, NO? All of this wanting to be alone, etc. it must come from somewhere b/c why else the selfish, angry posts, right? I mean, why else the decision to make decisions for your wife for her instead of talking to her and letting her decide, right? Dying alone. Scary. Unnecessary it seems to me. My wife died in my arms from terminal cancer. She never wanted to be alone. Was always loved b/c she loved. I never left her side. I never left her side nor stopped fighting with her b/c.....well, b/c I loved her and she was my wife. Let her decide. Give her the opportunity to be the good wife she is...can be. Edited June 8, 2014 by soccerrprp 6
Author swamp1984 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 She is a good wife already. She has been researching special diets for me to follow so I have better chances of staying in remission. The only problem is she doesn't know that I cheat on my diet and eat alot of unhealthy food when she is not around. She doesn't want me eating processed foods or eating out at restaurants as she feels that food will kill me and feed the cancer. So in a way I have been slowly killing myself by giving cancer every advantage. I also am addicted to diet sodas.
still_an_Angel Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I would be terribly heartbroken if my SO shuts me out when he is dying. You have made up your mind about exiting from your M and everything else, but have you thought about how your wife would feel? She seems to care about you a lot (watching your diet and stuff) so it seems cruel to shut her out. You may not want to feel positive and would prefer to be spared the pretense of being positive, she is your wife though, I think she will understand how you feel and will leave you alone if need be. On the other hand, she may want to spend all her time during your alone time and cherish those last moments with you, no pretenses needed. You can choose to do this FOR HER, give her this peace and for her to be able to let you go as lovingly as she can. Letting go is not just from your end. 2
Realist3 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I would be terribly heartbroken if my SO shuts me out when he is dying. You have made up your mind about exiting from your M and everything else, but have you thought about how your wife would feel? She seems to care about you a lot (watching your diet and stuff) so it seems cruel to shut her out. You may not want to feel positive and would prefer to be spared the pretense of being positive, she is your wife though, I think she will understand how you feel and will leave you alone if need be. On the other hand, she may want to spend all her time during your alone time and cherish those last moments with you, no pretenses needed. You can choose to do this FOR HER, give her this peace and for her to be able to let you go as lovingly as she can. Letting go is not just from your end. This is so true! Allowing a spouse or family member to be part of your passing is one of the best gifts we can give. Yes, I said gift. It doesn't matter whether you are positive or not they will understand. Death is just as much a part of life as living. It does bring peace and closure. Do not rob her of that experience. I would suggest you have a discussion with her now about your plans and let her have a say. You couch your decision in two different ways, first out of concern for her, and then your own wishes of how you want to spend your last days. If you care about her as much as you say, talk to her. 1
mrs rubble Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 You are in remission! There's no need to plan your demise yet. For all you know something could happen to your wife before your time is up, do you think she should divorce you in case this is the case?
Author swamp1984 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 You are in remission! There's no need to plan your demise yet. For all you know something could happen to your wife before your time is up, do you think she should divorce you in case this is the case? It certainly goes without saying that anything could happen to her before me but the question is what is the likelihood of that happening? There's risks and there's no guarantees in life about anything so then it becomes an issue of making decisions based on the likelihood of what will happen. Based on my cancer history and certain details surrounding my condition there is a higher likelihood that I'm going to die before she does. If the likelihood is low then I wouldn't even be talking about hypotheticals right now. When I think about a hypothetical situation then it is because there's at least a 50% chance that it will happen. I understand that others would rather just enjoy the fact that they are in remission now and enjoying their break from treatments but that doesn't work for me. I think about the prospects of cancer relapse every second of everyday. I just never tell anyone that except for a group of faceless members on a message board that don't know who I am and never will. I can't get the thought of a cancer relapse out of my mind and there must be a reason for it. I wouldn't give much thought to it if there was a low risk of reoccurrence.
mrs rubble Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 It certainly goes without saying that anything could happen to her before me but the question is what is the likelihood of that happening? There's risks and there's no guarantees in life about anything so then it becomes an issue of making decisions based on the likelihood of what will happen. Based on my cancer history and certain details surrounding my condition there is a higher likelihood that I'm going to die before she does. If the likelihood is low then I wouldn't even be talking about hypotheticals right now. When I think about a hypothetical situation then it is because there's at least a 50% chance that it will happen. I understand that others would rather just enjoy the fact that they are in remission now and enjoying their break from treatments but that doesn't work for me. I think about the prospects of cancer relapse every second of everyday. I just never tell anyone that except for a group of faceless members on a message board that don't know who I am and never will. I can't get the thought of a cancer relapse out of my mind and there must be a reason for it. I wouldn't give much thought to it if there was a low risk of reoccurrence. Maybe you should talk to a counsellor then, its not healthy for you to be constantly thinking about relapse. See if you can get these thoughts under control. You may live for a long time yet!
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