Requesting Inspiration/Appreciation from Wife

[Aquarius Guy]

I suspect I could ask my wife for inspiration more often than I do. I believe I could ask my wife for what I want, more directly, than my current/past phrasing has conjured.

 

Today my wife was suggesting an investment project, of buying and renting houses. I am ready to retire after fixing buildings for 50 years. I requested, "Is there any way you could reduce the stress in my life?"

 

My wife seemed to understand my point.

 

But there are more times I need to request inspiration. "Could you show me some appreciation for my helping wash the dishes in the sink?"

 

"Could you give me some credit for helping with the laundry?"

 

I have difficulty asking my wife to appreciate that I do the bills and taxes, because my wife feels that I have too many credit cards, which creates extra work, for myself.

 

I respond, "Some credit cards are extra, until some others get discontinued. I would like some appreciation for the base level of bills that I get paid."

 

Ideally, I should not have to ask for appreciation or inspiration. But it is not a big deal to ask. So how do I ask for more, better?

 

 

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[pie2]

I would inspire her just like you might want her to inspire you. I would cuddle with her (or something like that), and tell her how much you love when she encourages you and recognizes the daily things you do to make life better. Tell her that you rely on her for that kind of encouragement, and how much you appreciate her when she does it. Be sweet and cuddly the whole thing. IMO, of course .

 

You're right, you shouldn't have to ask, but hopefully with some positive reinforcement, she'll catch on.

Edited June 3, 2014 by pie2
excessive smilies :o

[Kansas]

My partner and I did an retreat in which a portion of the workshop was dedicated to showing your partner appreciation. I did not know until how much he craved to hear appreciation from me. So often we focus on vocalizing the negatives and just doing this throughout the day strengthens our connection. At the workshop we did it in a structured dialogue, which we've been having fun with since, but you can just maybe start by showing her appreciation about the little things she does (and since, "where one goes, the other goes"), she will more than likely reciprocate.

 

For example, this is what we've been doing:

 

I'll say - I really appreciate that you cooked me dinner this evening. It made me feel special and wanted.

 

Or, I really appreciate that you remembered to buy me my favourite drink when you were out. It showed me you were thinking of me. You're very thoughtful. Thank you.

 

She'll probably say thank you and will eventually be prompted to tell you something she appreciates about you.

 

When she shows you an appreciation you can respond to her by saying:

 

What I hear you saying is that you appreciate that I made you lunch and then reciprocate it back to her by telling her what you appreciate about her and why.

 

It's a little thing, but it's really made a difference in our relationship and I don't let my partner get out of bed without giving him an appreciation or go to bed at night without telling him what I appreciate him for during the day. It takes 2 seconds, but it warms their heart.

[waterwoman]

Well... you could perhaps just do the dishes without wanting a pat on the back. How often do you tell her 'I appreciate the way you cook dinner for me' or 'I really appreciate the way you clean the floor'?

 

Most of these things just get done without anyone making a song and dance about it. Saying you want to be appreciated for something makes it seems like a form of payment and payment should go both ways.

[Aquarius Guy]

I am working on being more in touch with what I want from my wife, and finding [polite ways to ask her for what I want, Usually, my wife is interested in doing whatever I ask her to do. I make it a practice to do whatever she asks, right away, particularly if it is something small.

 

 

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[quankanne]

there is a book called "The 5 love languages." Get you a copy and study it ~ you won't believe what you're overlooking because you're so busy focusing on seeing things from a single perspective.

 

husband and I did a Marriage Encounter weekend about 15 years ago, and it was the best thing we ever did for our marriage because it helped us to communicate better. But until i read this book, I was having a hard time with him not showing affection the way *I* wanted him to. Then it became clear that his method of showing love was different than mine, and it was just as good because it was sincere.

 

so figure out what your love language is, then learn what hers are – you'll be amazed how much of the resentment and hurt and misunderstanding falls away when you realize there are other ways of getting that encouragement and affection you want.

[Aquarius Guy]

Sometimes my wife speaks in terms that seem to be criticizing.

 

So to ask her to be more inspiring, "Could you express your ideas in a less criticizing manner and tone of voice? We are a partnership, and when you criticize me, it damages our partnership, particularly in front of the children. So if you can mention things in terms of getting better, or improving instead of bad or getting worse, then I can feel better.

[angel.eyes]

Sometimes my wife speaks in terms that seem to be criticizing.

 

So to ask her to be more inspiring, "Could you express your ideas in a less criticizing manner and tone of voice? We are a partnership, and when you criticize me, it damages our partnership, particularly in front of the children. So if you can mention things in terms of getting better, or improving instead of bad or getting worse, then I can feel better.

I agree. You want to present a united front, especially to your kids. You're a team. You shouldn't undermine each other.

 

I think your wife is well-intentioned, but unaware of how critical some of her comments might be. (Are you guilty of criticizing her publicly sometimes?)

 

Either way, one approach would be to disengage from the discussion when it devolves into a public critique and physically walk away. That evening, or sometime after the unpleasantness, once everyone has calmed down emotionally and has had time for reflection, express what you've written in your post here--that you want to feel like a team...that you are a team, but undercutting you in front of others is destructive to you being a team. You would like that to stop.

[angel.eyes]

I just want to say, by the way, that this is such a wonderful thread! Thanks for starting it.

 

OP, it sounds as if you and your wife really love each other and are genuinely invested in making each other happy. That's so heartwarming! Great advice given by others too on how to get her to be more encouraging and positive in the type of feedback she provides.

 

I'm guilty of not being as appreciative as I could be sometimes. This is a nice reminder not to get complacent with those I love. Thanks for that!

[Aquarius Guy]

So I am reading the 5 Languages books.

 

Some ideas generated:

 

1. The presentation of your idea, sounds like I am wrong about my approach. Could you re-phrase the idea, so the glass is half full? Acknowledge what I am already doing in that area of concern, and then suggest changes or additions, to what we both agree is good already? What is it that we both agree is good about me in this subject area?

 

 

2. So what you are saying is that this idea would take 10 minutes per day, or some shorter time, and that I should be able to fit that task into my day, as part of showing you that I love you?

 

 

 

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Edited July 2, 2014 by Aquarius Guy