What is realistic to expect in a marriage?

[15yearsin]

What's realistic to expect of a husband? If I was naive in the first 14 years of our marriage in thinking that my husband never looked or lusted after another woman - famous or otherwise, and now I know differently, isn't this my issue to figure out how to go forward and continue loving him knowing he's not who I thought he was? I feel so deceived, but wasn't it I who was deceiving myself to think that my man was like me in that he needed to look no where but home for satisfaction?

 

In all honesty, I have never looked at a real life man since we've been married. Sure, I've thought about Ewan McGregor or Christian Bale, but they are famous people that I'm not going to be crossing paths with anytime soon.

 

But when it seems like every movie, every outing in public, women are sexualized and objectified by my husband, it's driving me insane.

 

How do I get past this?

 

I don't see my husband ooggling these real life women, but he does space out from time to time after encountering one and then that just send my imagination into overload thinking he's fantasizing about her even after she's gone, etc.

 

What is wrong with me that I'm so obsessed with women being objectified as I get older?

 

Why is this so bothersome that it seems as though women were put on this earth to please men - and in return they keep us safe from harm and take care of us. Is this what love really is all about? Is this the exchange that women must accept to be in a marriage or life partnership?

 

If this is what marriage looks like, then I just need to find my contentment with it again, given that men are not how I thought they were. That they could actually control their thoughts and lustfulness.

 

Someone tell me either I'm wrong or I'm right and that I need to get over it and deal with it. I could use some tough love myself right now.

Edited May 31, 2014 by 15yearsin

[KathyM]

What is realistic to expect is that your husband will be faithful to you and won't be ogling other women. What's not resonable to expect is that he won't ever find other women attractive. If all he is doing is spacing out a little, then maybe you could just reclaim his attention, such as saying "Honey, are you O.K.? You seem distracted." If you reclaim his attention whenever he spaces out like this, he'll eventually get the message that he's not going to be indulging these thoughts in your presence.

[pie2]

What's realistic to expect of a husband? If I was naive in the first 14 years of our marriage in thinking that my husband never looked or lusted after another woman - famous or otherwise, and now I know differently, isn't this my issue to figure out how to go forward and continue loving him knowing he's not who I thought he was?

 

I think it's an issue you can work on together. Yes, I think you were slightly naive in ignoring a major aspect of the male psyche -- that they find women beautiful (even after they're married).

 

What is wrong with me that I'm so obsessed with women being objectified as I get older?

As we get older, we inevitably become less physically attractive (in general), and it becomes more obvious that there are prettier women out there (on a physical level ONLY). This is possibly just getting on your radar now, as you see other women, and your husband's reaction to them, in a new light.

 

But when it seems like every movie, every outing in public, women are sexualized and objectified by my husband, it's driving me insane.

 

...Why is this so bothersome that it seems as though women were put on this earth to please men - and in return they keep us safe from harm and take care of us. Is this what love really is all about? Is this the exchange that women must accept to be in a marriage or life partnership?...

 

How do I get past this?

Honestly, women are sexualized in our culture, and it's nothing new.

 

But we live in a fallen world. I don't know if you believe in God or Jesus or anything like that. Even if you don't follow any sort of Christian teachings, I think that the explanations about who women are and who men are, as explained in the bible, make SO much sense.

 

It gives a clear picture of what a perfect union would look like, and how we compliment each other, and how we support each other. Women are so much more than just a pleasure-pot (lol, don't know what that is, but you know what I mean). Women are a companion for their men, a support system, a lover, an assistant, an encourager...many things besides just physically pretty!

 

You might be able to get more insight from a book that explains a little about how God has designed us to be. For example, The True Woman.

 

Someone tell me either I'm wrong or I'm right and that I need to get over it and deal with it. I could use some tough love myself right now.

I think you're right to consider the fact that some men do struggle in this area. But, I think you're wrong to think you don't have issues of your own. You may not ogle over hot guys, but you could be doing something else that isn't the very best thing for your marriage. I mean, we all have shortcomings!

[Untouched]

I am getting used to the idea that most men will have lust in their hearts, or however you want to put it, for other women even when they are married. I don't think I could accept objectification of women in my husband, though. That is not respectful of me as a woman or of others in general. I would want to talk to him about that.

[beach]

I read your prior thread too.

 

15 years of allowing him to control you by eliminating family, and lying about watching porn and belittling you is about enough!

 

You don't describe a M based on mutual respect and honor.

 

What you have is a liar and a man who doesn't make you feel worthy.

 

 

I can't imagine why you need to settle for so much disrespect, do you?

 

 

It would be one thing if he was making you feel like his top priority and being honest. But he hasn't been honest from the start.

 

Him looking at other women is just the top of your iceberg. You should be telling him it makes you have hurt feelings! You should be telling him to get honest about the porn he watches every day! You should be telling him if he intends to act like he's eliminating you from your partnership then you may as well leave.

 

HE can change! It's not likely. So that change must come from YOU - since YOU can only CHANGE YOU.

 

What do YOU plan to change?

 

What is expected? A man who will honor and respect me and my feelings with his words and actions that match!