My situation.

[68_f100]

So I'm a little lost. I'm having some marriage issues. Not sure where to start. We've been together for 12 years and married 6. Last year I found out my wife was texting a couple old boy friends. She said nothing ever happened. I think she cheated but I can't prove it and she won't admit it. She says she wasn't getting any attention from me and I admit I wasn't being a very good husband at the time.

 

It's been a year now and I've tried to be a better husband/father. I have just about driven myself nuts trying to make her happy. I still have trust issues and have developed a drinking problem. Here lately I have had some things I don't like. I have tried to talk to her about these issues and she says I'm trying to cause a fight. That's not what I'm trying to do at all. Our sex life has gone from good to something she seams to want to get over with as fast as possible. I tried to tell her it feels like just sex and not love making. She says it's fine and doesn't understand why I feel like that. I also have said I would like to see more passion in our marriage. Again I am told it's fine and I need to quit trying to fight.

 

I can't talk to her about my trust issues. She made me agree to never talk about what happened a year ago ever again. That's easy for her to say but if it's just going to cause fights then I agree with her. No point in fighting more. I can't really tell her i have any issues trusting her because that will cause a fight.

 

So now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't know if it's worth stressing out over. Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe it's time to pull the plug in this. I'd like to know if anyone has any thoughts on this.

 

Thanks

[Scorpio Chick]

She doesn't get to say that you, as her husband, can't bring up ever again what happened a year ago. At least not until it's ALL out in the open. You said you think she cheated, I assume you mean had sex with one or all of them. She definitely owes you that information, for health reasons first of all, and to give you the option to decide if you want to continue being married to a cheater. The nerve of her. She sounds like she's acting like YOU'VE done something wrong. What 'happened' was she was getting mixed up with old boyfriends. Not just one, but more than one, and you have every right to know how far it went. If she refuses to tell you, there's your answer. I wouldn't tolerate one bit less than what you're comfortable with.

 

Does she work or do you earn the income? Is she a stay at home mom? Sorry, but it's my belief that if you're the sole breadwinner, she's even more obligated to be forthcoming with you. Has she become transparent with you since you found out about the texting, and how did you find out about it? Do you have her passwords?

[68_f100]

I found out by snooping. I had a feeling that something was up. I know it's wrong but I wasn't going to be taken for a fool. So I confronted her and she admitted to texting them but said nothing happened. I apologized for being a bad partner after she told me she was texting for the attention she wasn't getting from me. But some of the stuff I read sounded like more than just texting. I asked her and she said it was nothing more.

 

I am the only source of income. But she is a great mother and works just as hard as I do At home. I just don't understand. If she doesn't want to be married to me anymore I can accept that. It would be tough but I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. If she does I don't understand why she has to constantly think I'm just trying to fight. I'm trying to make things better. But all I'm doing it making it worse.

[68_f100]

Well I tried to talk with her last night. It just ended up in a fight. I was told I need to be a real man and stop nagging her all the time. She told me she is a positive person and I am bringing her down. She thinks I have a chemical imbalance and I need to talk to someone. I think I just need to keep my mouth shut from now on. No point in trying to change anything. It's not worth fighting about and I don't want anything bad to happen for the kids sake. Sad part is I remember when we had fun. When our marriage was great. I guess we all have to grow up someday.

[Grumpybutfun]

Marriage can still be great after a long period of time. I've been married for twenty years and it is better than ever. Okay, so the main problem seems to be you two aren't communicating on what you need. She obviously is going outside of your relationship for emotional support so the only thing you can do now is to get some Marriage Counseling. Both of you need to find a counselor and have sessions to figure out what is going on. You both need to be in this. She has to agree that she wants to continue the marriage. Also, stop giving in and not talking because you don't want to fight. Fighting is better than living two separate lives. You two can make your marriage better than ever before as long as you are both in it, so ask her if she is in for fixing marital problems. If she says you have none, tell her that from your perspective you do, then read out a list of all the things you want to see discussed and rectified. Tell her this is negotiation time so you both can get what you need from the marriage. Then tell each other exactly what needs to happen for you both to feel the marriage is back on track.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited May 20, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[68_f100]

Marriage can still be great after a long period of time. I've been married for twenty years and it is better than ever. Okay, so the main problem seems to be you two aren't communicating on what you need. She obviously is going outside of your relationship for emotional support so the only thing you can do now is to get some Marriage Counseling. Both of you need to find a counselor and have sessions to figure out what is going on. You both need to be in this. She has to agree that she wants to continue the marriage. Also, stop giving in and not talking because you don't want to fight. Fighting is better than living two separate lives. You two can make your marriage better than ever before as long as you are both in it, so ask her if she is in for fixing marital problems. If she says you have none, tell her that from your perspective you do, then read out a list of all the things you want to see discussed and rectified. Tell her this is negotiation time so you both can get what you need from the marriage. Then tell each other exactly what needs to happen for you both to feel the marriage is back on track.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

I have tried this a few times. Always end the same way no matter how I try to go about it. I have tried the counseling but she doesn't want to go. She went when she was younger and it left a bad taste in her mouth. I don't want to fight anymore. I just don't have it in me. I will stick this out for my kids and put on a good show. It's just not going to be easy.

[BetrayedH]

Look up the term 'gaslighting.' I think it's happening to you. Rugsweeping it won't work.

[68_f100]

I don't know anymore. I just want her to be happy. I want to be happy too. It would be nice if we were happy together lol. If not I guess I just want it as smooth as possible for the kids. I have really been tempted to give her a taste of what I have gone through. I can't bring myself to do it because I am not like that. But sometimes I think it would help her understand what I live with everyday.

[sumathi]

Your marriage is a simple case of love lost. Unless you keep the love between you intact you cannot have happiness in your marriage. Lack of communication can make your relationship stressed and tensed. When you do not trust your wife you cannot have a moment of peace. Is this the reason for you to take to drinks? Avoid drinking as you lose your health and the ability to think and act cohesively. It also gives your wife chance to make you feel that you are in the wrong. When there is no love, sex becomes routine and without any passion.

You should stop drinking. You should show your wife that you love and care for her. You should be friendly with her. Try doing these things and my best wishes for a happy married life.

[68_f100]

I just wanted to say that my wife and I talked while I was at lunch. She said I made her deel like some of the things I was saying were personal attacks. And that she thought about it and understands what I am saying. She agrees that we need to work on things together.

[2sunny]

I just wanted to say that my wife and I talked while I was at lunch. She said I made her deel like some of the things I was saying were personal attacks. And that she thought about it and understands what I am saying. She agrees that we need to work on things together.

 

So what is she willing to change?

 

I don't care how much a person needs attention - seeking it outside the marriage isn't a solution.

 

Telling your spouse honestly what exactly is needed within the marriage is more useful. Getting divorced FIRST is more useful!

 

It's all about honesty and communication.

 

If she's not offering honesty - that's NOT your fault. It's on her to tell you how she feels.

 

If it's going to change she needs to stop being defensive and start being open and honest.

 

She may have cheated - you need her truth. She should be willing to EARN your trust back if she wants the M to work.

 

Don't be so quick to nice her into staying married! She acted inappropriate. She needs to do counseling to figure out what is so broken inside her that her solution was attention from other men.

 

Staying married should be dependent on how SHE changes - make her scared that she could lose the M if SHE doesn't earn your trust back.

 

She needs to be transparent and OFFER you all her access to FB, phone and emails etc. demand it immediately and don't give her the chance to delete evidence. Then read ALL of what's there! IF she's already deleted - then you know she's had sex with someone.

 

Know your boundary. Don't stay if you have to disrespect yourself to make it work. That just indicates she's not doing enough to repair the damage she has caused.

[Poppygoodwill]

I have tried this a few times. Always end the same way no matter how I try to go about it. I have tried the counseling but she doesn't want to go. She went when she was younger and it left a bad taste in her mouth. I don't want to fight anymore. I just don't have it in me. I will stick this out for my kids and put on a good show. It's just not going to be easy.

 

The thing is, you both have to be willing to work on your marriage.

 

You are trying, even if it is in a way that alienates her, and she is clearly saying: I am not willing. By refusing to talk, refusing counseling, refusing to confront and deal with your unhappiness...she is saying she just care enough to do the work.

 

For whatever reason, she is happy with the status quo.

 

You have to decide if you too are willing to live with it.

 

If you want to try, then you really have to commit yourself to the main condition, which is not to bring up the past and have a bit of faith in her. Behaving like you trust someone, can breed their trustworthy behaviour. Likewise, if you always doubt someone, then you will always find a reason to doubt. It's like this: a man with a hammer always sees nails.

 

If you're not ready to do that, then why not go to counselling on your own? She won't go, well so what? You go. Get some support. Let someone help you sort out your feelings. It will do you no end of good, and will no doubt lead to real clarity on your situation. It will also give you some good ideas on how to make changes if you find yourself still willing to work on the marriage.

 

Now you are in a muddle. YOu've got to do something. You can only control your own behaviour. So start there. Book an appointment tomorrow.

[68_f100]

The thing is, you both have to be willing to work on your marriage.

 

You are trying, even if it is in a way that alienates her, and she is clearly saying: I am not willing. By refusing to talk, refusing counseling, refusing to confront and deal with your unhappiness...she is saying she just care enough to do the work.

 

For whatever reason, she is happy with the status quo.

 

You have to decide if you too are willing to live with it.

 

If you want to try, then you really have to commit yourself to the main condition, which is not to bring up the past and have a bit of faith in her. Behaving like you trust someone, can breed their trustworthy behaviour. Likewise, if you always doubt someone, then you will always find a reason to doubt. It's like this: a man with a hammer always sees nails.

 

If you're not ready to do that, then why not go to counselling on your own? She won't go, well so what? You go. Get some support. Let someone help you sort out your feelings. It will do you no end of good, and will no doubt lead to real clarity on your situation. It will also give you some good ideas on how to make changes if you find yourself still willing to work on the marriage.

 

Now you are in a muddle. YOu've got to do something. You can only control your own behaviour. So start there. Book an appointment tomorrow.

 

If she really is happy with the status quo then I am good with that. I agree I need to let go and move past what happened a year ago. I am sure that reliving that isn't helping me or her.

[2sunny]

You are doing this backwards.

 

Your willing to move past it - but you don't fully know what IT is.

 

Find out!

 

Demand her truth! Start digging if she hasn't offered it.