I think my husband is obsessed!

[Dixie_chic]

I think my husband is obsessed with me. We been together two years. He has had several bad relationships and been cheated on in the past so yes there are some insecurities. But sometimes he does the weirdest things. He calls me numerous times when I'm at work knowing I'm not suppose to have my cell phone. If I don't answer he will continue to call. I had 67 missed calls in an hour.

 

He knows I'm working and will call back when I'm not busy but he continues to call and says I'm blowing him off. I am a nurse and cannot put off patient care for a nonemergent personal call. When I'm at work he goes through my cloths and says he holds them up up his face to feel closer to me. i work at night and have to sleep during the day and have woke up with him sitting on the floor by the bed just watching me. He's always suspicious and accuses me of cheating which I have NOT. I know that he has been arrested at least three times in past for stalking.

 

He admitted that to me later in the relationship. He has anger outburst. There has been a few times we have had shoving matches because he would get mad and push me and I don't just stand there and take it I fight back. Which I have told him is not acceptable. We have been to counseling and it has done no good. He has been on medication but it doesn't work. I have told him the relationship is not going to work but then he plays on my sympathy and makes me feel guilty by crying.

 

He has no family. He depends solely on me for his entertainment. He has told me numerous times, "your my whole world." I have told him that I do not want to be responsible for making him happy that he has to create his own happiness. I feel like I'm raising another child. I don't want to hurt him. I do feel sorry for him and I do love him but I'm at my wits end. Any suggestions?

Edited May 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

You know you are at serious risk and you know what has to be done. You have received more training and education and have more awareness of domestic abuse than the average Joe/Jane. ......You are just hoping there is a magic answer that will be clean and tidy and easy that will make him right and make everything better.

 

Sorry, there is no magic trick here.

 

You either have to get him to seek the help he needs to straighten himself out. Or you need to get away before he destroys your life or possibly even hurts or kills you.

 

Neither of those things will be easy or painless.

[Dixie_chic]

Your right I guess I'm just looking for an easy way out and there isn't one. One of my fears is him stalking me or hurting one of my children. I have seen physical abuse first hand and always wonder, why doesn't she just leave?, but the emotional abuse i think is worse. Thank you for your input.

Edited May 13, 2014 by Dixie_chic

[Eivuwan]

What kind of counseling have you been to? It seems that he is really disturbed and not motivated to change which means that you have no choice but to leave. You should probably start planning for what you are going to do when different situations occur. For example, have a place ready to move to and do not be in a situation where you cannot get help should he become violent. You need to leave.

[Dixie_chic]

We actually talked with a marriage counselor for 7 months. I know he needs a different type of counseling but that was all I could get him to agree on. The counselor was told about the physical occurrences. And of course he admitted he was wrong and it would never happen again but it has. I know I need to get out. I want to get out. I just have to get up the courage to do so.

[2sunny]

He is participating in a method that is VERY creepy.

 

I hope you will feel safe moving forward.

 

If needed - change the locks on your place and don't hesitate calling the authorities when he acts irrationally if/when you break up with him.

 

What he is doing does not seem "normal" to me.

 

I'd be totally creeped out with someone sniffing my clothes and calling 67 times!!!

 

 

 

Edit:

Oh no - your HUSBAND? Well - have his meds changed and he should be so busy working he doesn't have time to do these creepy things!

Edited May 13, 2014 by 2sunny

[Zippity-Doo-Dah]

I would contact the counselor you saw together and have it DOCUMENTED what he is doing. Go see the counselor on your own - you are not dealing with a stable person and you are right, you and your children are not safe. Call the police for anything odd - you are going to need to have verifiable evidence of what is going on. Tell the counselor. Tell the police if you get the opportunity. Tell a pastor. Tell your boss - anyone who can back you up later. RECORD everything and you need to be sneaky about doing it (don't get caught). You need to stop wondering if this is weird and start protecting yourself and your children. Do you have family? Do they know?

 

Worst case scenario - he goes off the deep end and hurts you, the kids, or himself. Best case scenario - he gets help and lives a closely supervised, medicated life - without you in it. Realistically - he won't be able let you go and will either find a way to hold onto you or if you leave - he will find you and make your life a living hell. You need professional help here - don't take this lightly.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do feel sorry for him and I do love him but I'm at my wits end. Any suggestions?

Why are you posting this on an Internet forum? Your husband is a danger to both you and himself. And the help he needs is beyond the keystrokes fellow posters can provide.

 

You should remove yourself from the relationship until he's proven a willingness to get treatment...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dixie_chic]

I posted on this forum because I wanted outside input. Sometimes someone from the outside can see things more clearly than the one who is on the inside. I didn't want to overreact. Which I know physical abuse is never ok. I did call the police one time because I was locked out of the house but of course my car, cell phone and keys were all locked in the garage. I could not leave. I went to a neighbors and called the police but the only way they would come is if I said he had hit me. I was afraid to tell them that because I had cracked him over the head with a lamp and I was afraid I would go to jail as well. I don't want to loose my nursing license. My family is two hours away. These physical incidents don't happen all the time just occasionally. It's more mental abuse than anything. I do want to clarify that my children are not young. I have 3 boys two of which are married and the youngest is 17. I have not discussed this with them because I know how they would all react and I don't want them in a fight with him either. They do know things are not good. I have a place to go I just hate to involve someone else. I know I have to get out. I have always considered myself a strong person but now seem to be at my weakest. The input you guys have given has really helped. That's what I needed. I thought maybe I was overreacting to some of these things because the counselor never once told me I needed to get out.

[Dixie_chic]

And I do have some recordings and photos for documentation.

[Eivuwan]

I cannot believe the counselor did not tell you to get out. That is negligence.

[oldshirt]

 

all of these statements you are making are cliche' s right out of the Battered Wives Handbook. Let's break them down one by one.

 

 

. I didn't want to overreact.

 

you know he is an abuser. yo taking taking steps to protect your safety and sanity is overreacting???

 

 

I did call the police one time because I was locked out of the house but of course my car, cell phone and keys were all locked in the garage. I could not leave. I went to a neighbors and called the police but the only way they would come is if I said he had hit me. I was afraid to tell them that because I had cracked him over the head with a lamp and I was afraid I would go to jail as well.

 

the real reason you didn't call the police is because it would have forced you to deal with the situation. The law clearly recognizes self defense in the heat of the moment. You may have been detained untill the event was thoroughly investigated in which the pattern of abuse would have been determined. What you were trying to avoid was HIM going to jail....and then him getting out even madder than when he went in.

 

This is common backwards thinking of abuse victims.

 

 

 

 

 

My family is two hours away.

 

this is another common theme in abuse - isolating the victim away from friends and family support. You need to get yourself closer to your support system

 

 

 

These physical incidents don't happen all the time just occasionally.

 

give us a number for which the incidents per year are acceptable. Is it ok to be stalked and abused 5 times a year? 10 times? 20 times? 100 times?

 

What has to happen before you take definitive action?

 

A pattern of dysfunctional behavior and abuse has clearly been established here. How much more does it need to happen and what needs to take place before you act?

 

 

It's more mental abuse than anything.

 

so does that negate the seriousness of the situation and make it ok????

 

I do want to clarify that my children are not young. I have 3 boys two of which are married and the youngest is 17. I have not discussed this with them because I know how they would all react and I don't want them in a fight with him either.

 

 

again this is the backwards thinking of an abuse victim. You are trying to self-isolate yourself to save the embarrassment and hassle of others knowing about this. Keeping this from your friends and family is the worst thing you can do. You need to be informing everyone of this and seeking help and support

 

Unless your sons are a couple drunk, psycho, rednecks themselves, they are not going to run off half-cocked and go pound on him themselves.

 

(Although as far as I'm concerned, it ok if they do)

 

 

I have a place to go I just hate to involve someone else. I know I have to get out.

 

 

you need outside support. Period.

 

 

I have always considered myself a strong person but now seem to be at my weakest.

 

 

again, a cliche' of abuse victimology. How many other women have you told to get out after ONE episode of abuse?

 

 

I thought maybe I was overreacting to some of these things because the counselor never once told me I needed to get out.

 

did the counselor tell you to brush your teeth, change your underwear and eat your vegetables everyday too? Somethings have to be assumed under the guidelines of common sense and not have to be spelled out by a professional.

 

 

But now to be fair, you were in joint marital counseling. The counselors objective at that time was to address the marital issues and offer actions to correct the marital problems. At some point the counselor to your husband to not be psycho and to not stalk, harass and to not abuse you. He continued to do it anyway. I'm going to assume that the counselor did at some point tell you to flee to protect your own safety in the event of an abusive episode but even if she/he didn't, the lack of their specific instructions does not absolve you of your personal responsibility to protect yourself.

 

That was just a cop-out.

 

Don't use the counselors lack of hand-feeding as an excuse to not protect your own well being.

 

Besides you know darn well if you seek the help of an abuse counselor and tell them the whole story, their will be no ambiguity or debate in what their recommendation will be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Responses in bold above

[Dixie_chic]

You are absolutely right. Reading my own words and breaking in down that way is a real eye opener. I am not overreacting. I am in an abusive relationship. And I want out. It IS embarrassing. But I have called a friend that I have known for years. Together we have come up with a plan. I am going back to my hometown. I have reserved a Uhaul for the next day he works. He works 24 hour shifts. I'm taking my things and moving. I have called an attorney about a restraining order. I do have to say I am scared. Really scared. But I'm doing this! Thanks for the advice.

[Koopa]

I cannot believe the counselor did not tell you to get out. That is negligence.

 

If the counselor did that he/she would lose a patient, its a huge problem in healthcare both mental and internal medicine. They don't make money if you are not diagnosed with something so they can sell you a prescription, and in this case the counselor loses money if she tells her to leave him because thats one less patient.

[pie2]

Dixie Chick, this is clearly a dysfunctional marriage. I would recommend a separation. Hopefully your H will wake up and realize he really needs to change.

 

 

But why did you marry this guy?! Surely he didn't hide this behavior the entire courtship? Recognizing what drew you to him in the first place might be something to continue to work on with your counselor.

 

 

Do you have any sort of spiritual faith? You're in my prayers, DC (if that's OK).

[Dixie_chic]

Pie2 I would appreciate any and all prayers. No your right he didn't hide it throughout the courtship. One reason why I think I allowed myself to get in this situation (and I'm not trying to make excuses for my stupidity) was 6 months prior to me meeting this man I was married to someone else. I had a great life. That spouse was tragically killed in an accident. I sank into a deep depression. I felt as though my life was over. Then, there he was, very charming at first of course. And I just kind of ent along with what he wanted. I moved in 3 months later. Sometimes I feel like maybe I was running from things. If I was two hours away I didn't have to face the fact that the man I thought I would spend the rest if my life with was not coming back. Looking at things now I could kick myself in the butt for getting into this mess in the first place.

[pie2]

Pie2 I would appreciate any and all prayers. No your right he didn't hide it throughout the courtship. One reason why I think I allowed myself to get in this situation (and I'm not trying to make excuses for my stupidity) was 6 months prior to me meeting this man I was married to someone else. I had a great life. That spouse was tragically killed in an accident. I sank into a deep depression. I felt as though my life was over. Then, there he was, very charming at first of course. And I just kind of ent along with what he wanted. I moved in 3 months later. Sometimes I feel like maybe I was running from things. If I was two hours away I didn't have to face the fact that the man I thought I would spend the rest if my life with was not coming back. Looking at things now I could kick myself in the butt for getting into this mess in the first place.

 

 

Oh, DC, I'm so sorry . That is so sad . It's not to place fault by any means, that I brought that up. It just good to get an understanding of what you were going through at the time that sort of led you to your H. I can definitely see how the grief you were experiencing made your Husband's care and attention very reassuring. You must have felt so lost during those dark months. I can't even imagine.

 

 

Your family is definitely in my prayers. ((hugs))

[Dixie_chic]

Thank you so much. I'm going to be ok. Just need to toughen up and put my big girl panties on! I understand what your saying about why I went to him in the first place. It makes sense. I was in a very dark place. I miss him and my old life. Thanks for your kind words and prayers.

[Zippity-Doo-Dah]

I'm soooo glad you are making plans to get out. Just want to remind you that this behavior won't stop easily - in fact it might get worse. Be prepared and don't get caught off guard. Be smart, be safe, and be sneaky.

[Dixie_chic]

Thank you so much. I'm scared to death! But I know I will be happier in the end.