Good husband and I want out

[sameoldthing]

Hi,

 

I hate the fact that I'm even writing this. I'm 29, got married approximately 2 years ago. We were together a year before marriage.

 

He is a great guy, good job, good looking, good family, stable BLAH BLAH BLAH. I did (do?) love him when we got married. He is (still) the most sincere person I know. In spite of flaws, he has a pure heart. It's the main reason why I fell in love with him. Our wedding was the best day of my life. Right after our wedding, it went downhill and by downhill I mean that my feelings disappeared? I can't explain it. One minute on top of world and then BAM.

 

I know it's easy for me to blame myself. I am disorganised, too 'feeling' based, over think situations to point of ridiculous and have deep rooted insecurities about myself. However, I am also a very kind and fair person, sincerely compassionate and I enjoy a good laugh/time. He would nit pick a lot at me, would sweat the small stuff and get upset for no reason.

 

BUT aside from the obvious differences in us as people, we SHOULD technically work but I'm starting to think we don't. It's been 2 years. Mistakes have been made from both sides, and I've really tried. I've tried to talk about the lack of chemistry/mental connection last year but he doesn't take things too seriously(?) I don't know.

 

Most of my friends never understood why we even got together and I mean this NOT because I'm amazing ( though I hope they do think so hah!), but more so that we ARE very fundamentally different. Friends, interests etc, YOU NAME IT.

 

He's given me a stability I've never known, and as a result I have also become a better person. He's given me the space to grow and nurture my love (art). He stood by me through very hard depressed days and though he probably will never understand the magnitude he was there.

 

I too have helped him become a closer man to his family. I've supported him emotionally and been there as well. I have my flaws. Some very glaring i.e. I'm really lazy and don't cook even though I don't have a 9-6 job. He has a very stressful job. He shouts at me when he's hurt ( even when he miscalculates), I find that hurtful and it makes me see him as small BUT I on other hand am such a talk talk TALK person. I don't want to be that anymore.

 

I've gone through many hard times as many others have. To my detriment I was unable to get past much of it and spent so much of my life pleasing and pleasing. Guilt, guilt is my best friend. This is the FIRST year in my entire like where I realised I want to live. I want to grow and I want to be ME and I'd love if I could make him part of that but I don't know if we are anything anymore.

 

We sit in silence, small talk and I wonder if he feels it too. Maybe. I'm too scared to ask because I'm so so tired of trying ( in whatever way I tried). I stayed longer because I have a history of leaving relationships when they are stable so...

 

BUT how long can I do this? There is NO ONE else ( of course I do let my mind wonder but in no way am I envisioning the "perfect man" as being out there) I'm just struggling to understand how and why we are such familiar strangers.

 

My mind is foggy and I feel sick with guilt. I want to leave but I'm so scared. He's a good man and he's a kind one and I feel evil.

 

We did therapy last year. I just can't see any glaring issues aside from me and me as people. Any insight? Thanks.

Edited May 4, 2014 by sameoldthing

[Soverysad123]

Hello. What do you really want.

 

You are so young and you didn't talk about children, so I will assume you don't have any. If it doesn't feel right now, imagine how in 10 years it will feel when you have children to think about.

 

I think you know what you need to do.

 

Wishing you well x

[sameoldthing]

I am so scared and so guilty. Am I making the wrong decision? I'm worried I am. I don't have kids now but I want them but AS LONG as I am sitting here with doubts, I can't. I'm just so scared to be wrong. Also, I don't have a job right now so I would need several months to organise myself but that makes me feel so bad as well. I'll be lying to him. He'll be making plans and I'll be thinking of when to leave and HOW...I hate HATE the idea of hurting him. I'd rather I hurt.

 

He has also taken a loan for our house from my family. He can't pay it now. What if they get angry? Oh I know I sound like a child but I just never thought it'd end like this. Where I a braver person, I'd hash it all out now, but I'm not. Also because I have no way to support myself at this time. I was sick for so long so didn't work for a year. Ah, the selfishness continues

[BlueIris]

All you can change is yourself. Be careful about assigning dissatisfaction or unhappiness to the marriage or your partner when it might be just your internal issue. In practical terms, it sounds as though it could make a huge difference to start working full time, earning steady income, contributing on the practical level and feeling stronger and more self-sufficient yourself. It could change everything. You can’t provide for yourself yet, since you don’t work, don’t cook, and “he” took the loan for the house and “he” can’t pay it now. I think it’s worth the effort to take the steps to be a strong balanced individual yourself before deciding if it’s the marriage that is causing your distress.

[d0nnivain]

I believe in fighting for your marriage. Find a way to stop being lazy. As I came through some of my own depression & started taking better care of our home, it had a wonderful effect on our marriage. Keep going to therapy. You two need to find a way to communicate before you just throw out your marriage. Getting divorced isn't going to solve any of your problems & will most likely make your life worse.

[GrandeH]

To be honest with you OP, all of this can be summed down to you losing attraction towards your husband, if you ever had any to begin with. Your marriage is definitely salvageable and can in fact be much better than it is right now but that's with determination and effort from both your ends. It sounds like you have the ideal life partner here, and it would be a shame to throw all that away just because of lack of attraction. Attraction towards your husband is something that can be worked on, but finding a new husband who is just as good as your husband or better than him will be much much harder if you do decide to divorce.

 

Is there a way I can speak with your husband? perhaps you can ask him to come on LS. However you manage to do it, it is really really important that I speak with him. The feelings you are feeling now are not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty for having them. How you move forward in this situation is what matters now, the ball is essentially in your court.

[sameoldthing]

Hi,

 

I'm really touched by all the responses and insight. In all frankness, I wish more than anything to work it out but I don't know how. In relation to attraction, literally since the beginning of our marriage, 2 years in total now, it's been more of the low side. I find myself not attracted to him and it's odd as I can technically tell that he is very attractive and I find him extremely handsome.

 

One thing that bothers me in that spectrum is he has let himself go, it's become progressively worse and I don't see it getting any better ( at least in the current state). However the lack of attraction goes beyond the artificial, I myself have gone through 'stout' stages. I think it's more mental. How I didn't notice this too much before is astounding. We always had had great chemistry but I think due to parental pressure( from my side, not his), we rushed to marriage. I married him because I loved him. Could I see character differences, yes but I never thought it'd get to this level.

 

I'm sad, writing this makes me sad. He woke me up from a nap today and I felt myself flush with affection for him but is this a momentary thing because I think in some level it's over.

 

I know I don't have a 'conventional job' but I am working on a project that if successful will help me and is a source of pride. I struggle with confidence in reference to normal jobs but I think if I have to, I will do it. I feel good about myelf physically ( for once) and while yes, I think I still struggle with depression, can I at 29 stay in a marriage which I still, STILL to this date DOUBT and think EVERY SINGLE day about.

 

He is a sweet man, but he is also unable to see things from a serious level. I don't take him seriously quite often. Though highly successful, he's also immature with the constant video games, issues with people for silly reasons, judgmental, negative and argh I hate saying this but we don't make each other laugh. Bear in mind, I'm not and I repeat saying that I have all these super qualities but I feel intellectually unmatched by him in spite of my less than stellar disciplinary and life skills. I know I can be entitled and maybe I think too highly of myself in spite of my very VERY well known downfalls.

 

I'm sorry if I come across as narcissistic but I just want to be very straight. I'm defensive when I'm told (very rarely) by friends that they can't understand how we work together. Some admire us for our 'independence', most of our social life is apart.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm so tired. I don't even know if I can conjure energy to 'work' on this. We have our issues, yes but how can we work on fundamental character difference? How is a real marriage supposed to feel like? I dont live in la la land where I think every day should be a walk through a golden flower park ( or something) but can it be REALLY this hard?!

 

The idea of knowing I might have to leave makes me sick. I'm also scared it's my self destructiveness/fear of stability but for God's sake, it's been our entire marriage?! I cannot stress how much this just sucks.

 

Again, thank you.

[sameoldthing]

Hi there Truth hurts,

 

Thanks. Last year I had what I recognise now as a bit of a meltdown. I got insanely depressed, started going out pretty much every night, and drinking and eating to a unhealthy level. He was worried but also I don't think he took it too seriously. See, in my head I feel that there is nothing he could have done, I can be very manipulative when it comes to what I want so I blame myself. However my sister and best friend feel that I blame myself and though I was a nightmare, he should have been more proactive and far more concerned. I don't know if I agree as I was a difficult person to argue with.

 

However on that note I do believe that he doesn't understand the 'weight' of things. After that period in my life, I told him I was horribly unhappy (not just with him but myself). I moved out and we went for several sessions of therapy.However, he told me that I either needed to be in or out. I chose in. I did miss him greatly and I knew at that point that we had much to work on and we did, well to a degree.

 

It's hard to be serious with him, he expects quick fixes. I suggest date nights but he's too consumed for the most part with keeping it low key which is fine but I would like nice nights out. He does travel often with me (very important to me) but again, he spents quite a bit of time stressed about money. I think we are blessed. I always thought so. I wish he would too. Often he'll realise it, only to revert back to panic. I know he has much work stress but does that mean we stress and stress in our day to day lives and not be GRATEFUL for the gifts we do have? Perhaps I sound juvenile. Here I am not working full time, contributing etc, but there is MUCH that I do. Where he is now, I have been his biggest supporter, ally and friend. He too, his faith in me has allowed to to finally finish a huge project I've been mulling over for years.

 

As for the weight thing, I blamed myself. Maybe if I were a greater cook or something? But then again, who is stopping him from gym? He starts and then stops. I've talked to him, kept silent, encouraged. Maybe I could do more but I don't know.

 

Our conversations are not working. I feel gutted, absolutely wretched that I may have to go. I love him, I'd honest to God if ever in situation, chose to be shot over him ( so dramatic right). I want him to be successful and happy and everything and as much as I wish and pray it could be with me, I don't think I WANT TO anymore. Our sex life is awful. Simply tepid. It has nothing to do with being experimental or changing it up though he does tell me I'm rather prudish but see I have no desire to be adventurous as I don't see the emotional click. I try yes but it's very motions.

 

Maybe life will suck after this, or I need to try more. I'm giving myself several months to breathe, to get myself more together and then I'll assess. This blows. I don't want to leave but how can I stay?

Edited May 5, 2014 by sameoldthing

[Grumpybutfun]

Consider this... Your entire life you have only known a hard life, and it sounds like you had very little stability, so here comes this guy that obviously was more stable and people were telling you the projection in which you should want to go so you latch into this guy because he is handsome and a good guy and you get swept up in the engagement, wedding and subsequent life stones you are clicking off...and you feel hollow and empty because this isn't what you truly wanted, it is what you were supposed to want and it was nice to have something stable and about you for a little while. Then one day you wake up and there you are with this man who is perfectly ordinary and you are creative so you have an imagination of what you really wanted in some level, on some plane of existence that makes this seem so very lackluster....and you are used to hardship and drama and he is too lazy and complacent to participate in what you envisioned. A creative enforce of two people who live their life for their art, for their purposes, for something more, something bigger and better and here you are with Mr. video gamer Everyman who knows nothing of these feelings inside of you in which you want to burst with what you can make, create, be , the passion that helps you create isn't contained by marriage or stability and so you look outside of him, blaming him and yet knowing it isn't his fault he is so very stable, ordinary...so very different than the world you created to get you through the hard times..the world that made you braver, stronger, more passionate than anything he could even imagine...how am I doing here?

My best guess is you have had strong personalities in your life, people who have tried to contain you, have tried to keep you buttoned up and stifled, your creativity your only pardonable outlet for that raging passion inside of you. When you met Mr. average, he was an escape from that world, a way out for you and so you escaped and now you don't really need him anymore. He has lost his purpose which was to release you, make you a grown up in someone's eyes...your parents, your minister, someone...anything sound familiar yet?

 

Let me know where I am on this....I can give you more if you can let me know which points were close...

 

Best,

Grumps

[sameoldthing]

Consider this... Your entire life you have only known a hard life, and it sounds like you had very little stability, so here comes this guy that obviously was more stable and people were telling you the projection in which you should want to go so you latch into this guy because he is handsome and a good guy and you get swept up in the engagement, wedding and subsequent life stones you are clicking off...and you feel hollow and empty because this isn't what you truly wanted, it is what you were supposed to want and it was nice to have something stable and about you for a little while. Then one day you wake up and there you are with this man who is perfectly ordinary and you are creative so you have an imagination of what you really wanted in some level, on some plane of existence that makes this seem so very lackluster....and you are used to hardship and drama and he is too lazy and complacent to participate in what you envisioned. A creative enforce of two people who live their life for their art, for their purposes, for something more, something bigger and better and here you are with Mr. video gamer Everyman who knows nothing of these feelings inside of you in which you want to burst with what you can make, create, be , the passion that helps you create isn't contained by marriage or stability and so you look outside of him, blaming him and yet knowing it isn't his fault he is so very stable, ordinary...so very different than the world you created to get you through the hard times..the world that made you braver, stronger, more passionate than anything he could even imagine...how am I doing here?

My best guess is you have had strong personalities in your life, people who have tried to contain you, have tried to keep you buttoned up and stifled, your creativity your only pardonable outlet for that raging passion inside of you. When you met Mr. average, he was an escape from that world, a way out for you and so you escaped and now you don't really need him anymore. He has lost his purpose which was to release you, make you a grown up in someone's eyes...your parents, your minister, someone...anything sound familiar yet?

 

Let me know where I am on this....I can give you more if you can let me know which points were close...

 

Best,

Grumps

 

This really hit home. My parents always controlled me, I lived in fear of disappointing them ( though I did quite often). I wanted to escape them but lived in fear of hurting them. I can't handle the idea of hurting them because everything aside they did try their best. We are just different. My mother is religious and conservative and it's only since I stopped trying to 'ruffle' feathers, that we've become closer.

 

You are right again, it's only now that I have realised that this stability may not have been what I wanted but what can I do now? I agreed with what you wrote but I also felt that maybe it's a case of me thinking too highly of myself or something? I'm really open to being told that maybe I need to grow up or whatever it is.

 

The being controlled hit and definitely the whole world I created while being the person I really am not deep inside. I used to write a lot of poetry when I was younger and I did/do still daydream most of the time. I have many friends, people to gravitate a lot towards me but hardly any that know really the depth of what I feel or am ( I'm vague myself).

 

I want to be happy and I dont want to be a cruel person. I feel selfish because flaws or no flaws, he doesn't deserve this. I don't even know what to do next. I don't want to ask for my parents help, I don't at all. Not at least now. All I know is I'm so tired of everything and I'm tired of having done what I thought I should do.

 

But on the same note, I don't want to loose husband because I'm holding his 'stability' against him? You see what I mean? The idea of hurting him/consciously allowing this double existence makes me feel so so bad and guilty. I feel so utterly selfish

 

I'm so confused but everything aside, you clearly must be psychic. Thank you.

Edited May 5, 2014 by sameoldthing

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm not psychic, just someone who recognizes when someone isn't fully their authentic self yet. You aren't evil, you aren't guilty, and this is a shame free zone so toss it away. In my house we don't do guilt and we don't do shame...we do work.

Time to stop people pleasing, living in your head and using creativity and imagination to escape...and time to really think about who you really are. You see, you could be married to a different guy, he could be someone completely like you and you still would be sitting there with these same feelings because this isn't about your marriage. This is about you...you...it is about not knowing what you believe, who you are or having any personal pride in yourself. Your parents controlled you to the point where you have few skills, no pride in your accomplishments and no plan as to how to get you to where you need to go.

 

In short, it isn't your marriage, it is you. You are the lackluster, the ordinary, the things you see in him are really just things you don't want to see in yourself. He is mirroring to you what you don't want to believe about yourself. Think about this...you feel he is a good man and yet he isn't as passionate or ambitious as you would like. He doesn't make an effort to be more romantic or to make you feel special. Couldn't you just admit that you don't think you are a good woman, you aren't as passionate or ambitious as you would have liked, you don't make the effort, you don't feel romantic or special.....why? Because you don't know who you are or what those things look like outside of the scope of your parents influence.

 

Time to start making the hard choices....find out what you believe, question everything they taught you and take away what you truly find rewarding and of value and replace the rest with your own values, morals, dreams and points of pride.

 

Time to get an education, get a job, learn how to take care of your home and cook, fix the cars, become the greatest landscaper on the planet, because you can do that and the creative project you have some pride in...you need to care about your life, accept this as your life and stop thinking of it as the life your parents chose.

 

As you become more independent and autonomous, you may or may not find that feeling for your husband, but at least anything you feel will be just yours. After you make your own food, have a house you can be happy with, make your own money and be able to espouse your own ideas and hopes for your future, you may start to see this man very differently....or not.

 

The thing is don't do anything drastic until you fling away the people pleasing, place some boundaries so your parents can no longer control your life, and get a job and become proud of who you are. Your husband didn't ask for any of this, and he isn't the one who is confused and trying to run away from stability and a life he didn't choose. He chose you so now you have to decide if after finding yourself and becoming independent and financially free, if you want to choose him too.

Be kind always and remember that if you toss him now, that is one bell you can't unring, one bridge you can't unburn and one man you can't just replace. If you make an emotional choice based in your knowledge that you picked him due to your parents control, you could throw something away with him that could be very profound once you are who you are supposed to be.

 

Our parents want the best for us, but sometimes they take it too far and offer up only their vision without letting us be molded by our own accomplishments and our own ideas. When that happens we have to reparent ourselves, we have to give ourselves the validation and atta boys to get us to the next stage in development. I won't say grow up, but I will say reparent yourself so that in the stages where you need to be figuring yourself out, you do that instead of replicating your parents and never developing your own identity.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Els]

I'm sorry if I missed it, OP, but I don't see it stated explicitly: Were you two ever compatible to begin with? Were you attracted to him (not the stability he offered you, but HIM) at the beginning of the R but things just went downhill? Or was it never even there?

 

I think, if this is just a case of things going downhill, it would be worth working on. But if it's never been there, it's like trying to make a fire with a book and an apple. Just not gonna happen no matter what you do.

[Smilecharmer]

Don't feel ashamed for how you feel...this is good because now you can become the adult you always wanted to become without your parents and make decisions based on your needs and wants. No wonder you are t attracted if you feel he is somehow someone your parents chose for you....no girl would want to be in a marriage they don't feel is their decision. You aren't a bad person, you will figure this out.

[sameoldthing]

Thanks both, wanted to reply separately but on my phone so its hard. Very appreciated. Grunps, you are very right in that I dont see myself as a achieving human being. Funny this is I do have a degree, even a masters so I guess from that end I am good but the issue is, what have I done with it since I got married? Nothing substantial. He is ambitious work wise but I think its more of a perspective difference. We have what seems to me nothing in common and I know it might be easier to blame marriage but what if it is what ir is, I am a complacent person who married for the wrong reasons.

I did love him greatly when we married. The love was there but so were the differences that got my pronounced as I "grew" up. Anything ive spoken about this to close peoplw, its been the same reaction. You have a good man that loves you. You are lucky and well taken care ofd. You have a good life. Dont throw it away because you are reckless and thinking grass greener on other side. Maybe they are all right. I am very open and appreciative of the FACT that I am not self sufficient at this point. Ive already started working on cv and will send it out in the next few weeks.

Our life seems "ideal" but frankly I just dont know if its what I want forever. And by that I mean conversations going nowhere, different interests, the lack of connection.can it be changed? Maybe being self sufficient will change that. I rushed our marriage because I ddint want to lose him. He never was going anywhere but I panicked and I wanred escape and because I loved him, I moved to another country for him. He had excellent opportunity and I dont view that as sacrifice because I chose it.

Our relationship was good but after marriage the differences between us became glaring. Even on our honeymoon he was nitpicking at me. I cried the first day because I just wanted the happiness of being together. I made many mistakes I know.

Its hard to verbalise all this ebcause its obviously hard to type all but I really really need help because I am petrified.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think grumpy is spot on. I think the biggest issues here are your own. After fixing yourself you may still find yourself incompatible but it has to start there.

 

Taking him out of the picture, what kind of life do you want? You mentioned your big project, but what's the bigger goal? Where (and how) do you see yourself living, how do you see both of you contributing toward that?

 

In my experience, conversations are a lot better when I am not in a constant state of wondering if I should leave someone. They are also much better when I am being honest. I think that's something easy you can can try here.

[JamesM]

You may have said it, but if you haven't yet, then perhaps individual counseling will be good.

 

Having someone listen to you talk may help you sort out the confusion.

 

Grumpy said some very good things. If this is about you and not your marriage or him, then you could walk away from the one guy who is best for you. What you consider growth may be true, but that does not mean you need to leave him behind. Marriage is about individual growth and yet growing together. Sometimes we grow apart and then swing back together again.

 

Confusion can cover up many emotions...love being one of them.

 

Your creativity may be good for him as his stability is good for you. Making those two qualities work together for both of you is what marriage is all about.

 

And perhaps a separation would help both of you. You may decide that being apart from him is not what you want, or you may find it is. He May find the same. Starting over together or apart may be the best thing.

 

Although I don't think it is time to divorce, I do think that some serious talking is necessary. It is only fair to him that you both are on the same page about all this.

 

Again, I think it is time that you talk to someone who is a professional about this. Many marriages have had extreme downs only to recover and become stronger than ever. Many have left a marriage thinking it was best and then regretted it.

[atlg8r]

My first concern is that you seem a bit selfish. You aren't working or contributing monetarily, yet you are irritated that he is always stressed about money. Well, the solution there is for you to get a job and earn something to help out. Then maybe he won't be stressed being the ONLY one supporting the both of you.

 

Two, solid marriages are not built on feelings. They are built on mutual respect, concern, teamwork....feelings and attraction are fleeting. There are days where you may not like each other very much but love is what keeps you there working hard.

 

I'd really be interested to hear his side of things. It sounds like he works hard for you to try and keep you happy, and nothing makes you happy. Which makes me wonder if you are really over your depression or other mental issues. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

[bwright42tx]

As a parent, I'm taking this away as some of the best parenting advice I've seen in a while.

 

Our parents want the best for us, but sometimes they take it too far and offer up only their vision without letting us be molded by our own accomplishments and our own ideas.

[sameoldthing]

Hey guys,

 

Just wanted to reply to all you that had responded. Firstly, thanks. Just to clarify some of the questions asked.

 

I have been to individual conseling but this was more so in reference to my depression. It helped but I heavily avoided questions about my marriage. I hated the idea of thinking that perhaps it was not right for me. Furthermore for the past two years I have avoided even looking at our wedding pictures unless I was updating a facebook profile ( feel free to ridicule, I am well aware of how stupid it is to maintain appearances).

 

It's hard for me to watch our wedding video. I can't even explain why as it truly was the HAPPIEST day.

 

Yes, I am selfish. That is definitely something I'm aware of. This is why I am now going to start pulling my weight by applying for jobs and being more aware in general. However, the problem I face here is also his anger issues. He flips out and whilst he will for the most part apologise, it's rare without me actually being the one to confront him.

 

The pattern has been such that we'll have an argument, he'll freeze me out and stay angry/silent for even DAYS. I can't even do that for two hours. It's a huge issue for me. One we've spoken out often and while mildly improving, still exists.

 

If I could, I'd have him come here for his side but I'm too scared at this point. I'm not pulling my weight in reference to work etc but when it comes to holding 'us' together, I have and really do. Our fights, our misunderstandings, I try to bridge them, I concede and believe me there have been MANY. But from all this, he is STILL a good husband that has been consistently supportive of me.

 

Financially, we have been lucky so it's not so much a case of I've had to work. I should have but I was easily talked out of it by my father who felt I was not a corporate type person, easily distracted and needed to put my energy into something of my own. He literally gave me enough money to constitute a year of work. I took it?! In retrospect, I think that was very foolish. I felt pressured, that and it seemed much easier to do that than actually work. I'm really embarrassed saying this but I have to tell it as it was. Of course there was pressure, I want to please him but there was also relief that I wouldn't have to work and I'd have all this money.

 

I know he meant well and it was probably because everyone and their uncle was aware of how depressed and 'not in my right mind' I was. That and I know my parents feel guilty for overlooking my high level of depression growing up. In fact it all started with them using me as a pawn in reference to their marriage. If I wanted to do something and my dad would take my side, my mother would threaten divorce and say it was my fault. That followed by mother ruining many outings because I wasn't dressed as she desired. Threatening to send my adopted brother away if he didn't comply. A general state of tension in the house. I always defended my brother, and I was always worried about impact on my dad. Would he leave?He did for a while but see also bear in mind, my mother was VERY ill. She was paranoid and clinically depressed. She refused treatment. Eventually she became better and in all frankness, apologised profusely once she found out I was on medication and in therapy. I hid it because I didn't want them to worry.

 

I lived on egg shells and my God, I truly hate using the 'parents' thing as an excuse. I don't want to. I have forgiven them and I do know that I too was very lucky and they tried their best. What use would come from rubbing mistakes in their faces now. This way of living, of doing everything she asked, of tip toeing around, of lying to friends as to why I'd hardly be allowed to go out, go to their houses, went on for years. Most of my life till I left for university. And even then the summers until I moved out where controlled by her moods.

 

Wow, just realised how much I wrote. I want to move on with my life, I want to be better. I know we all have our burdens and I should just get over mine but I can't. It's very VERY hard to find good therapists where I am and the one very good one is insanely expensive and I've already seen him several times but it's just FAR too costly to continue on regular basis. But in reference to my marriage, I don't know. I think maybe I don't want this kind of stability anymore. Lord knows what I want but I hope to kind of get there soon.

 

Thanks guys, this has been a great outlet for me.

Edited May 6, 2014 by sameoldthing

[sameoldthing]

OP, you sound like an emotionally disturbed person who needs therapy and is not really capable at this time of making a major decision such as ending their marriage at this time.

 

Your disjointed chaotic rambling run on sentences which go all over the place indicate more than simple venting, it sounds like an extension of the serious depression you described recently going through.

 

Again, don't make any major life decisions without getting counseling.

 

Thank you for input. I know I'm not where I should be yet but I'm not sure that means I can't make a decision or at least start working towards one. The chaotic rambling is kind of how I think to be frank. It's hard for me to stay on one stream of thought but I think that's just me. I can't use emotional disturbance/depression for everything.

 

I am confused and hence everything is convoluted but in the midst of all of this, I feel more stable and "within" myself. Believe it or not, this is streamlined thinking when compared to how I was previously. You can only imagine how terrible I was before;-)

 

You are definitely right in the sense that no decision can be made now and that's why I've decided to at least find a job first. I have one interview lined up next week so let us see.

 

My plan for now is 1- find job 2- let myself breath and come to natural conclusion.

 

I am first to admit that I don't know what I want but I do at least know what I don't. I started taking much better care of myself, I work out regularly, I surround myself with people that make me feel more positive, I've become far more honest and I have stopped for the most part feeling accountable for everything.

 

I've done therapy before, the first few didn't work. The last one was far too expensive and my mind is easily influenced so sometimes I'd walk out feeling worse than better.

 

I don't want to just throw away my marriage but there is a part of me that just wants to crash through as I'm so tired of doubts and what ifs. The guilt is getting too much and I feel as though I'm using him as a security blanket.

 

I don't want to navigate through my issues forever, I think I'd rather just accept that some things are what they are but that I want to live and stop ruminating in the past. How many more years can pass?

 

Thank you again, it's really nice to have people actually dedicate time of our their lives to comment. I'm glad I came here.

[TheWalkingMan]

I would wonder why you married him in the first place? It would be one thing if you knew him for a month and then married him, but that isn't the case.

[sameoldthing]

Thewalkingman, I did love him when I married him. I saw the differences but my love for him over rode (?) that. Also there was the pressure of family ( just to clarify, MY family). He would have been happy to date longer. I feel that we are intellectually mismatched in spite of the fact that I am currently not doing much with my life aside from being a 'lady of leisure' HAHA. Weirdly enough the life I'm living now is one I'd have LOVED before...but I find myself just not wanting it. I know I have certain issues and as certain posters have pointed out, I shouldnt delete a marriage without sorting myself out first. I've started applying for jobs so we'll see how that goes.

 

Melvynman, it does sound ideal in a different world. I think where I to do that I'd be ruthlessly hunting down each man as I cannot imagine sleeping with someone for a prolonged period of time without wanting something. And even if I could, I'd probably go nuts the minute I see them with someone else;-) I think it's in everyone's best interest I stay away from that path THOUGH I can see why you'd say that. Thanks a lot, appreciate all inputs!

[littleplanet]

Hmmm.

A long time ago I married someone, and within a few short months realized that I hadn't married her......I had married marriage. Big difference.

How did I deal with it? I'm a stubborn SOB and made the necessary change. After which we both co-parented a wonderful child (who was born before we split up.)

 

But confusion / lack of truth/honesty never will help - it just muddies the water.

And that's what you're stuck in. Confusion.

He needs to know where he stands, what your issues are. For that to happen - you need to know and be very clear.

That requires communication.

 

Obviously you care about him. But that shouldn't require burying yourself.

The tough part is confronting the fear of what truth reveals. But anything less just sustains a lie, doesn't it?

I'm sure you both deserve better than that.

 

I could say a whole lot more - but grumps said it for me!

[sameoldthing]

Just wanted to update you wonderful people that took the time to respond to my issues.

 

I managed to actually get an interview, it went well and lo and behold, I got the job. I know it's not much but I'm hoping this will at least give me greater confidence in my abilities and hopefully with time and much self improvement I'll be in a better place to make any big life changes.

 

Again, thank you all so much. This thread has been of great help and inspiration to me.

[soccerrprp]

An aside. Don't have a child thinking it will somehow provide a glue. You and your guy will still be the exact same people.

 

OMG, please don't do this to the innocent child! I know people who have brought in innocent children into dysfunctional relationships for reasons that only they can explain only to have the children victims of that effed-up dynamic. Incredibly irresponsible of people to introduce children into a dysfunctional relationship in the selfish hope or delusion that it will some how make things better.

 

OP, your husband sounds like a good guy, but there are elements of this that I could not ignore as insignificant.

 

1. Lack of true chemistry and interests. Most people don't ignore these things before becoming committed. You did b/c he was kind, supportive, etc. rather mundane (sorry) and typical attributes that, though should not be taken for granted, should be expected. It seems that you had nothing really in common.

 

2. It is also clear that his nit-picking is something too. Was he always this way or after marriage? How nit-picky? You think he's pure, of course, your own post shows that he's not.

 

3. You had and continue to have personal, emotional issues that have not been dealt with. You need to work on yourself. I suspect that the marriage is not truly the issue her, wouldn't you say?

 

4. You say that you are lazy? Or perhaps depressed?

 

Good luck. Therapy would be helpful. Get well. Help yourself and your husband to diminish the stress in your lives.