Marriage options: two men

[TerrapinDragonfly]

I am typing on an iPhone so I apologize if this doesn't flow well. I began dating an amazing man about one month ago. (Who I have known for about 6 months and we know one another's friends and family well) While I am not the type to make snap judgements, he and I very quickly realized we could easily see ourselves married to one another. Our communication is very open and free so it didn't seem extreme to be honest about this phenomena. I could go on and on about how great of a match it seems to be. Prior to him I spent two years in love with a man who I thought was a phenomenal match, but he insisted we did not have long term potential. Recently this ex has been very seriously trying to win me back. For a few weeks I have been seeing both men, both are aware of the other and know that I am upstanding, faithful and honest and both believe I am worth the effort and time of taking things slowly and patiently. Honestly I thought telling them both I would date them both would cause one to weed himself out and say that he did not want to go through that. I was wrong. Both are intellectually and spiritually profound connections for me, both want the same things I want in life, both make my heart pound, both are deeply affectionate. The newer guy is younger, taller, stronger, better looking, a carpenter and more handy.. But the other potentially has a far higher income but it is less stable in nature, has proven that he can evolve in tandem with me ( I am a very rapidly evolving person, always seeking more enlightenment and personal growth ) ... Many other factors. I seem to naturally communicate better with the newer guy. The newer guy is probably more age appropriate, being only 5 years my senior as opposed to 16 years my senior. Both are strong and healthy and eat very healthy diets. The newer guy has a larger family support network and more caring mother and sister who I get along with very well. I feel a sense of destiny and fate with both. Both make me laugh wildly, both can connect with me about many far out concepts I can imagine and those which I study, which is a must for me. Both think I'm an amazing woman they'd be lucky to have, and id be lucky to have either one. I feel I could be a great and supportive parter for both. I still have a deep and passionate love for my ex, I thought he was lunatic for letting me go but I accepted the end and was moving on. This newer guy has been so impressive and wonderful that he actually stands a chance of competing with my ex, which I am shocked about .. That being because my love is so deep for my ex I am floored another man could give me such pause after only one month of dating. I know more of what I'm getting with my ex though .. This newer guy I just don't know as well. He could really be the great catch I suspect he is, or not. I am more familiar and sure my ex is great but obviously he did previously break my heart. I am naturally quite torn. Dating both doesn't seem to be helping.. They're both increasingly appealing. I spend plenty of time away from them as well and that doesn't bring any more clarity. Any suggestions? Thanks

Edited March 26, 2014 by TerrapinDragonfly
Typos

[Standard-Fare]

If you're actively weighing the choice between two guys, why is the word "marriage" even entering this discussion at all? It's just not relevant.

 

The word "marriage" shouldn't come into play at all until you have ONE relationship that is serious, time-tested and evolved beyond the threat of other forces (i.e. other guys.) That describes neither of these cases.

 

The more immediate decision facing you is: Do you want to try to patch things up with your ex?

 

It's not even a choice between the ex and this "new guy." The new guy is a mirage of all the options beyond your ex. It sounds like you don't know him well enough to have a realistic sense of how things would work long-term.

 

It's time for a hard look at your ex... is this someone you want to keep in your life?

[beach]

Just date. Let a few more years go by and see which is the best match for you.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm wary that the ex came back in board as you began dating a nice new guy.

I also agree that husband-shopping between them whilst in a committed relationship with neither is counter-productive.

[Speakingofwhich]

Feeling so sorry for you!

 

Disagree with previous posters on husband consideration between the two at this point.

 

Imho it's always wise when dating to keep that (would this man make a good H?) in the back of your mind so that you don't end up in love with someone you know isn't husband material.

 

Do agree with other posters that ex may be spurred on by competition with new guy even if he doesn't realize it.

 

Also, think you said you communicate just a bit better with new guy. And new guy's family is especially to your liking.

 

Also, new guy is closer to your age.

 

Just from what you've told us, I'm leaning towards new guy for you. But, would continue dating both as long as possible to give yourself more time to figure it out.

 

Pray about it, too.

 

Also, are there friends who know new guy who can give you a recommendation for him or not?

I would definitely not be concerned about earning potential. You never know, new guy may end up writing a book about do-it-yourself carpentry that's a hot seller or something else lucrative thus being the one with the most jingle in his pockets.

 

Ask yourself each day, "Who would I rather have breakfast with today?"

 

Another question you can ask yourself is, "Who would I rather be stuck on an island with if no one else was around?"

[titman]

How about sleeping with those two guys?

Also, how about living with those two guys one month each?

You can learn so much about the person or your feeling towards the person doing those.

 

I would forget about the earnings as well, anything can happen from here. You should never marry anyone based on their pocket size because it'll come back at you.

When you take a break from them, who do you miss the most?

One month is way too early to judge, so I'd give the younger one more time.

 

You seem to be doing a lot of "taking", but how about "giving"?

Let's say he will get into a car accident and will be forced to live in a wheelchair for the rest of the life; which guy do you feel like helping the most?

 

If you find yourself still missing your ex, the third guy, and you think you can forgive him, it might be a good idea to start refresh with your ex.

Good luck

Edited March 26, 2014 by titman

[Zimber]

 

• I began dating an amazing man about one month ago.
  
• While I am not the type to make snap judgements, he and I very quickly realized we could easily see ourselves married to one another
  
• both are aware of the other
  
• know that I am upstanding, faithful and honest
  
• both believe I am worth the effort and time of taking things slowly and patiently.
  
• both are deeply affectionate
  
• less stable in nature,
  
• 5 years my senior as opposed to 16 years my senior.mother and sister who I get along with very well.
  
• I feel a sense of destiny and fate with both
  
• Both think I'm an amazing woman they'd be lucky to have,
  
• id be lucky to have either one
  
• great catch
  
• I am more familiar and sure my ex is great
  

Yes ... buy a box of tissues, you're going to need them.

I bullet'ed all the points that made me ask "huh" or that just contradict each other.

 

You miss are completely drunk on ego and love and are not thinking clearly at all. However, there is one "maybe" here where the other is "one in a million". If nothing else, my post will help you with that.

 

As others have said, marriage does not belong in your thread title. After one month, you don't know "Handy" (but if I'm correct, you don't know the "Geez" very well either).

 

You don't make snap judgements ... Yes you do. More shocking is that he has communicated these sentiments to you after only one month and while you're dating another man, an ex at that. Can you say desperate AFC? That's a "nice guy - not a good thing" in the worst way.

 

You have two men who you are affectionate with simultaneously. One is new, has confessed marriage interest and is OK with it. One is an ex of two years who is OK with it (ya right!).

 

Handy has introduced you to his family within the first month while knowing you're dating another man?

 

You didn't ask for anyone to critique you or your life style so I won't go there...

 

Look, straight up....

If you have a new man of one month with whom you are affectionate with, has spoken of marriage, has introduced you to his family (even though you're dating your ex ????), knows that you're are dating your ex is very likely a "nice guy", beta, AFC of epic proportions. (when I say nice guy, I don't mean a pleasant, considerate man, I mean a man suffering from "Nice Guy Syndrome" - it's ugly and it's going to take some work eventually).

 

If you have an ex of two years, who wouldn't commit, who is a tad ... unstable, who is 16 years older than you, who has shown back up, who is OK with you contemplating his worthiness against another man ... you very very likely have an ex that see's you as a plate, a seminal toilet, nothing more. He's an old, experienced Don Juan and you're one of many plates he keeps spinning to avoid oneitus and obtain sex.

 

Your question was which one....

Can neither be the answer?

Lets assume that's not an option.

 

You only have one choice hon, for the Geez is with 99% certainty only a lie. Not only is he too old for you (like way too old), he wasn't able to commit then, why would he commit now. Or is his motivation to prevent you from committing to another and keep his very young plate spinning?

 

I don't know of my self respecting "MEN" (I'm referring to Handy now) could put themselves so far out there for you while you're involved with your ex, but Handy clearly does.

 

In short, Geez is not real, Handy likely has issues. If you had to choose, Handy has potential (nice guys can be helped), but Geez does not.

If you focus on Handy and become exclusive, unless you control the pace, this will wrap up very quickly. Very very risky. You are sooooo young, so naive. Don't risk becoming a future single mom. Filter, Filter, Filter. Know yourself, know your partner.

 

Z

[d0nnivain]

The Ex is an Ex for a reason. Why do you want to go backwards in life?

[miguelcervantes]

Are you sleeping with both of them ? If so, who is the better lover ?

[oldshirt]

Have either actually proposed?

[dichotomy]

IF -and I don't know if you are .... sleeping with both of them and they both know it... and are cool with it ... then forget marriage its not the right thing for any of you in this love triangle.

 

You appear (and I am guessing) to be on a high from what appears to be a open or polyamourus situation which is not conducive to an exclusive commitment. Nothing wrong with having mulitple partners while single...but when thinking marriage....You want a man - and you want to be the woman - who knows the right person when they come along and is not into sharing affections.

 

That being said - enjoy this time.

Edited March 27, 2014 by dichotomy