Marital Sex Issues

[usafatcmike]

Greetings all,

 

I have done several reading on posts similar to the issue I am having but not particularly the same. I was hoping not to start a new topic and find something close but couldn't find much as many dealt with those in longer lasting marriages of 10+ years.

 

My wife and I have been married a little over a year but have been together for 3 years. Our first two years were total long distance, she was in Alaska while I was still on active duty orders and stationed in Germany. However, we made it work and would visit each other 3-4 times a year for roughly 2-3 weeks at a time. During the two years of dating, the sex life between us was fantastic; she was wanting sex at the equal amount as I was, 3-4 times a week.

 

That quickly changed however once I moved back to Alaska. She decreased it to roughly once a week, which was still acceptable and could deal with. However, after getting married, she has decreased that dramatically and now looking at once a month on average, maybe twice. I have talked to her 3 separate times regarding the issue, informing her how she just isn't pleasing me and meeting my needs. Even when we do have sex, she doesn't really seem to want to be doing it. It seems more of a "yeah, let's get this over with" type of attitude; that was not the case during first few months married and the entire time dating, she was wanting to try new things, have fun and enjoy the moment. It has been 2 months since I last had that "talk" with her, she always seems to get physical for the first few days after the "talk" but after a week or so, she goes back to her sexless self.

 

Now, after many talks, I begin to wonder what will it be like when we hit our 30s? We are both in our mid 20s, no kids. It makes my mind stray onto many options; we fit will in every other aspect, she even enjoys playing some call of duty every week, we just simply have missed connected on the sex life.

 

From a guy's point of view, what would you do? I have even contemplated looking to have an affair or a FWB.

 

From a girl's point of view, what would you say could be the cause for this? Is there anything I can try?

 

 

Thanks in advance all.

[Poppygoodwill]

I note that things changed after you started living in the same place, yes? So the first two years, doing long distance, were not really a true test for yourselves about how it would be to be in a LTR as long distance is always a perpetual honeymoon period and we all know that honeymoons are nothing like real life.

 

So I wonder if she has changed, or if this is always how she was - but you just didn't know it becuase you didn't live with her full time.

 

Also, you say you get along, but are there other tensions in the relationship? Small things that build into resentments can dramatically affect a person's interest in intimacy.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well, your first issue is the LDR...that's a very little amount of time you actually spent together during those first two years, they're almost negligible because you've never really spent a lot of time together doing the things that are normal, mundane and repetitive cycle of just being in a relationship over time...it never really settled in, it was just this back and forth of missing each other and not really having much time together so that's a natural way to react in terms of sex regularly in that situation.

 

And that's going to tell you a lot overall being in a LDR, and how you cope and compromise with just being around a person for an extended period of time...and honestly, most couples wouldn't pass that test if they were spending a lot of time together rather than at work and busy with other things, for most relationships that helps serve as a buffer which maintains the tolerance level of being around someone for an extended period of time. Without that buffer and distance that you and her were used to in those first two years, it can be a little too close or much for comfort, then you start realizing the reality of your feelings of satisfaction level with your partner as a whole and your true level of compromise and communication, because there are things included that you didn't notice/recognize before.

 

And while many couples may "work" on the level where they can compromise on mostly everything but the emotional/intimacy (an expectations may vary but at the same time be predictable) it doesn't really mean the relationship is solid romantically speaking, it might have the illusion that things in the bigger picture are ok, but those other things can't go ignored, they're going to cause a stress on the relationship overtime and they're not things you can overlook and I sense you are not alone in your dissatisfaction.

 

You need to have a really open and transparent conversation with your wife about how you feel, I see you kind of falling down the typical pattern of marriage where...man expects things to stay the same, woman expects things to change and doing things short-term as she was just trying to secure the relationship/marriage at the time.

 

For women, security/stability is a huge motivation in their lives and contributes to a lot of their personal happiness and peace of mind, the intimacy for some can be just a sub-conscious desire/need/period or phase to solidify the relationship and really just a give or take kind of thing because many people tend to have their own personal issues/hang-ups unrelated to you, but to give initially the man what he wants in the beginning to establish and solidify the relationship first, and those sexual feelings or needs are fleeting and may change down the road once that phase is over...which many women are ok with change when it comes to their own feelings and needs and expect men to understand even without proper communication once the relationship is secure enough, they don't always recognize or make note of that shift which for men that consistency is noted, especially sexually. So her goal and motivation after marriage is to maintain that stability, therefore she'll try and give you what you want sexually for that sake and whatever else it takes, but ultimately if she does not desire it herself or something is missing for her it won't last very long, when children are involved that's typically the first excuse, and when children are not present...well, you'll see.

 

Luckily not all women are that way, but self-preservation and finding a partner who is stable, reliable and productive is typically more important than what they may see as a superficial thing like sex, for many, because sex wasn't the ultimate goal or even a priority...however, take away something they "need" but don't "need" in their lives and they'd throw an absolute fit, but if they take away sex from you and you NEED that, then it's not that important and it's just OK, you should be able to cope and you're overreacting and yadda yadda yadda, they will devalue your needs and prioritize their own so be prepared to feel like you're talking to a wall.

 

Anyway, what I say in regards to marriage is not generally "popular" here on LS but it's my honest analysis and observation, if it's not true or doesn't feel right or justified you need to check that emotionally and logically within yourself because by my own observations and speaking with married men I believe as a man you should expect your sex life to decrease at least 50 percent within a marriage roughly at the 3 or 4 year mark I'd take a guess at, only if you are fortunate may you have a relationship that actually maintains the level of intimacy and to be fair a lot of men fall off the radar sexually but that's typically do to with physical/sexual attraction - loss of desire for their SO, mostly related to weight gain/appeal from what I've observed which men are often criticized for being just as bad and neglectful in other ways, which is fair to a degree but really just pointing blame at the same time.

 

If you want to have an affair or a FWB you wouldn't be the first or the last, but maybe now you realize why so many men stray that way while trying at the same time to maintain their marriages, they're missing that element in their lives that they want back. At your age however and with no children you have a pretty good opportunity to just leave this marriage if ultimately it's not satisfying and you and your partner can't see eye to eye....which guess what, many people do, that's just the reality of life, and maybe now you've learned a lesson or two.

 

Before that however, I guess for the sake of effort and while you still have the motivation hopefully because you still love her, talk to your wife, lay it all out on the table and let her know where you are coming from in terms of how you feel and what you feel is lacking and maybe she'll express some issues or reasons she has emotionally withdrawn within the relationship and maybe that causes her to not want to be intimate with you anymore. You have to be able to communicate, listen and understand each others needs, if she ultimately feels like sex is something she does not wish to change or care to do with you anymore then you have your answer there, that nothing is going to change and you can decide to leave on that basis, it's your right to your happiness.

 

Having an affair or FWB, is honestly probably going to cause you more problems and issues, and legally you might face the wrath from engaging in those and getting caught but some guys, actually many guys go that route, but it's usually for "family" with children and a house and all of that, you've got to decide what choice you want to make and understanding the consequences and drama you're going to bring unto yourself potentially with those actions.

 

You should try to get to the bottom of your relationship issues, but if you're both not listening anymore you might need a mediator.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

How is your relationship outside of the sex? Do you have fun together? Does she seem happy with your relationship? Do you make time to do things? Are you as loving as you were when it was a LDR? Do you take care of yourself? Smell good? Look nice?

 

I ask these things because people tend to get complacent once married, and sex just seems like it should be a given. My ex completely fell off once we were married. His personal hygiene went out the door and all he cared about was hanging out with his friends and playing playstation. I carried very much the same attitude as your wife. I was just doing it to get it over with once a month. He no longer stimulated me mentally, so it was hard to be attracted physically.

 

Having an affair or finding a FWB is not the answer. Talk to your wife and try to figure out what's making her so less enthused about sex. Try to make the relationship better or talk to a counselor. There could very well be some things that you are overlooking in your relationship that is leading to her lack of sex drive.

[oldshirt]

Sex once a month is often "ovulation sex" and it is basically her body telling her to have sex because it's ready to conceive.

 

The bottom line here is she is not sexually attracted to you. She is seeing you as more of a roommate and provider and companion rather than as someone she actually desires or has intimate or passionate feelings for.

 

We need more info to determine why she isn't feeling the love for you.

[CarrieT]

People's sexual desires ebb and flow throughout their life. This happens to WOMEN and MEN.

 

I got married at 20 and was insatiable. In my 30s, I didn't care about sex very much at all and was in a decade-long relationship where sex every few months was sufficient. Then in my 40s, I was insatiable again (two or three times a day!).

 

That said, I believe many married couples expect their frequency of sex to remain what it was at the beginning of the relationship and that rarely happens. It is the breakdown of communication about these ebbs and flows that often end marriages.

 

OP, your wife could be quite satisfied with the frequency of sex you are having for years and not be able to verbally explain why she doesn't want it more. Are you willing to live with that?

 

Don't do the FWB or affair thing - that is just rude. Get a divorce first.

[bwright42tx]

I agree with oldshirt on this one. Sounds like she just isn't as attracted to you as she used to be. You can work to improve your attractiveness to her, this may not even be physical, could be behavioral.

 

Most women without underlying medical issues will want to have sex with their husbands/partners if they are A. attracted to them and B. the relationship is going well.

[pteromom]

From a guy's point of view, what would you do? I have even contemplated looking to have an affair or a FWB.

 

Don't have an affair. Either fix this or get out.

 

That said, think about when you were dating. Are you still doing your part in what made her fall in love with you? Do you take her nice places? Compliment her? Flirt with her? Fill her heart with excitement? If not, that's a good place to start.

 

You figure that being married is enough reason to want to have sex, but sometimes we women need to be inspired.

 

From a girl's point of view, what would you say could be the cause for this?

 

Could be many reasons.

 

- hormonal... is she on birth control or anti-depressants? There are meds that can really affect sex drive.

 

- resentment... you are doing (or not doing) something in the marriage that puts a wall in front of any desire she would have for you.

 

- bad sex... maybe what you thought was amazing wasn't so amazing for her, and she's scared to say something? Maybe she's told you what turns her on, but you focus on what turns you on instead?

 

- bottomless pit... if no matter how much love she gives, you always need more, that is very draining. It's important to be satisfied when someone gives you love.

 

- an affair... could be her affections are being directed elsewhere.

 

- depression... if she is depressed, it could affect her sex drive.

 

- a fetish or specific turn on... could be she needs a certain stimulus in order to get turned on or have an orgasm. Think about it - is there anything you used to do that she loved that you no longer do?

 

- boredom... is she getting enough out of sex to enjoy it? Does it last too long or not long enough? Do you just keep going while she's counting cracks in the ceiling?

 

Those are just some ideas for you to consider.

[central]

I've been there, in my first marriage. It doesn't get better with time - it gets worse. She is LD (low drive), whereas you are ND (normal drive) - you're not HD (high drive) because then you'd want it every day, or more (even when you were first dating and seldom saw each other you didn't want it everyday, so I'm going by that).

 

Anyway, she gets all the sex she wants, as often as she wants - she has no need or desire for more, and is completely satisfied. Why would she want to change for your needs? That's the typical scenario, and there are a LOT of people in your situation. Only a few percent EVER get things to improve much, and then they are usually lucky to get up to once a week. Sorry, but that's the truth of it.

 

You don't have kids, so you are in a good position to end this sham marriage and start over, this time with an awareness that sexual compatibility involves matching libidos and frequency. And be aware that in the early stages of a relationship, even LD people want sex more because it's new, it's exciting, and it's a way to get a mate.

 

My advice: get out now while you can, and avoid a life of misery and frustration.