Why do I feel alone in my marriage and life!

[Barry point]

This is my first post on a site like this, it's the first time I really talk about much, but here goes:

 

I am married mad of 40 with one great daughter and a lovely wife, my past isn't so great, for the first 30 years of my life I lived with my parents who weren't the best parents.

My father drank a lot and use to physically attack me and my mom, he would leave my brother alone because I was the oldest and I kept him away from him. He would assault my mom and she would keep it all under the carpet, her words were "it's family business". My mom wasn't the type of woman who showed emotion, she didn't believe in hugging, nurturing, she worked in the family business and made sure there was food on the table. I on the other hand needed the hugs, I had to grow up really fast due to my dad's drinking and my brother being a bit of a wild child.

 

I was never confident and at one point during my teens was diagnosed with crippling shyness, which I didn't even know existed. I was overweight and felt hopeless, it was at the age of 16 when I first tried to take my life. I failed at school and had to work in the family business during some pretty hard times, I worked for free to help with the bills but dad always found a way to drink and when times got rough he took the money out the register and took off. I couldn't go to college so I started night school and eventually got a job as a junior. At the age of 25 I came out of my shell, I had friends, work people and even had a date or 2, then my dad came back into the open arms of my mom and brother. The pain and hurt he had caused me were still there even after the abuse he put me thorough. I left home and met someone who saw me as more than I was and touched the real me.

 

We met, fell in love and got married, all the while my dad saying he could take her away from me because I was nothing. I know it's not true, I know he is lying but the doubt is what cripples me and makes me think about ending it, I fight those thoughts but recently they have got worse.

 

I try to do everything for my wife, I have pains in my body I don't talk to her about, she works in a hospital and she's people in pain everyday. She mentions the type of suffering they have is so bad and how hard it is for her so I don't say anything about my issues so I don't burden her. We moved far out into the country and we are close to her family. They treat me well but when they visit which is regularly they have their jokes and talk about things they want to do as a family and I feel like I am on the outside. The one things that keeps me smiling is my daughter, she is the one constant source of joy and hope in my life and I know I should be happy in my life but recently I have felt so alone.

 

I don't have many friends due to the remoteness of where we are, I have some work friends and I keep the pre-tense that I am happy but sometimes I feel alone in a room of people, I feel scared and I just don't want to be there.

 

I have done counselling over the years and at one point was on medication but I choose to be strong, but now away from it all I am alone again. My wife is a great woman whom I love but sometimes I can't talk to her, most of the time I can't talk to her and when I have raised it, she tells me it's my problem to work through.

 

I just want someone who knows how it feels and can relate to that... I am the shoulder for so many people and just for a minute want a shoulder to cry on...

[Grumpybutfun]

First of all, go NO contact with your father, mother and brother. You cannot heal with them in your life. By keeping the abuse and neglect secret, your mother became an enabler of your fathers terror.

Then talk to your wife about what you have wrote here. She needs to know what is going on so that she can intercede when you start having these panic attacks that your father causes. He does not deserve to be in your life, around your wife or your daughter. You are a father and a husband now and your number one priority is to protect them.

Next, and this is very important...... See a therapist who specializes in adult survivors of child abuse. You do not have the skills or the healthiness to help yourself. This is only going to touch and taint your life and your wife and daughters life if you don't get help.

I know it seems daunting and I know that you feel frozen and afraid, but the depression and anxiety will only get worse as your daughter grows. There will be things about her as she grows that will trigger things in you. My wife went through this too and only when she went complete no contact with her family, got therapy and talked to me about it did she begin to heal.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Eragon]

Hi Barry,

 

When I read your story, tears spilled from my eyes, quietly and tenderly.

 

Before I start my post, know that I am always here for you. Even though I am a stranger, and perhaps your PM function hasn't been enabled yet but when it is, message me - anytime and always. I'll always listen to you.

 

I'll tell you I loved someone with the exact same situation as you. When I met him, I took him in my heart and made him my best friend. He was my soulmate. We played video games, listened to loud music in my apartment. We cranked up the volume so loud to Defjam, not giving a damn! (Hey that rhymes!) We play-fight - in the bed, in the jacuzzi. We paid attention to our aesthetics, telling each other the trendiest hair cut of the season. We recited lines of Romeo and Juliet and then laughed after (we both had a passion for acting). He was very damaged inside. I could see it glimmering in his eyes when I first met him. Perhaps you're not religious and I respect that. However, when I knew something was wrong, I started praying for this guy. I read the bible for him. I wanted him to be healthy again. I even cried so hard when I prayed for him. I was out of breath sometimes, gasping out of desperation. Then God gave me an idea. He told me to just love this guy. I knew it would be a very bad idea. I would get the results of his anger, resentment and violence, even though he wasn't conscious of it most times. I wanted to love him, give him a love he never had. I gave him a beautiful kiss in front of a flowing river surrounded by a calm, serene forest. He slowly warmed up to me. I had trouble showing my affections mainly because I was a virgin. But I tried my best (to this day, I have improved). He would often stay over at my house. Months later, I let him go - but he was transformed. I healed him. When he slept beside me, I often admired him. I even gave him kisses so he would sleep peacefully. I massaged his back when he came home tired from work. I ran to the pharmacy one night just to buy him advil at 2am when he stayed over. One day he got out of the shower naked, I knew he was crying in the shower. I knew him very well. So I ran up to him and hugged his naked, wet body. I didn't mind, as long as I could make him feel better. Then I made love to him for the rest of the day. I did anything for him. I listened to him rant about his life patiently, I didn't interrupt him. I didn't mind even if it was 3AM and I was asleep, I would accept his phone calls and replied to his texts whenever he needed me. I knew all his secrets and loved him every day. I knew I could never be with this guy forever, as he wasn't properly healed. I just gave him temporary strength and confidence..I gave him a pure, innocent type of love. A true, clean love. Burning white, simmering hot.

 

Unfortunately i let him go. He was not in a right state for long term relationships. I eventually moved on and found a much healthier, safe guy. I feel sorry for the last guy but I never stop praying for him. I am in a happy path to my life.

 

So cry on my shoulder - all day, everyday. Soak my shirt. You deserve support. Stay away from your father. He doesn't need to be in contact with you now. You have your own life, your own family now. He wants you under his power. People who abuse others are hurting inside themself. Perhaps your father also had a traumatic experience in his life. It dug a hole in his heart and ever since, he lives off of filling his voids. Easing the pain of his past. Power and your reactions, as well as his control of you, is what keeps his drive spinning, what feeds his inner demons - the fuel to his toxic fire. Every time you give in or show your weak, you're giving him power. Stand up tall, walk away and show you're strong, that you have something in your life now. That you're successful. He might begin his chapter of falling...in a very bad spiral. Who knows? Don't let this bring you down ever. Remind yourself, your life has transpired. Get therapy and make friends with similar experiences. Talk about it. Talk about it to me.

Edited February 26, 2014 by Eragon