Husbands troubled past is affecting our marriage?

[Shoshanna]

My husband and I married young when I just turned 21, We fell in love very quickly and married after nine months of dating, Now 7yrs later we are still together and I love him so much. My husband has been through a lot in his life, He moved out at a young age with his mother due to his dads past alcoholism, He took care of his mom before she died, he is and ex-Marine who lost many brothers in arms and now he was just a sad, lost, angry man who didn't deserve all this suffering he has gone through, He is now 33 and has become involved in professional fighting and has talked me into moving back to this hometown which we did just before Christmas.

 

Before we moved back my husband didn't see his dad for 14yrs, When I eventually convinced him to visit his dad, His dad has been sober for 3yrs and seemed a nice guy but my husband was still very angry and bitter about his father's former abusive behaviour, He failed to convince my husband that he has truly changed and it hurt his dad, I felt sorry for him. His dad wants to help train my hubby for fights etc but he wont allow him saying he doesn't want to reconcile their relationship. When I try hard to ask him to give his dad a chance we end up arguing and he gets really aggravated about me "taking his dad's side" which im not, Twice he has walked out of the house when I tried talking to him about it. He keeps telling me that I am all he has in life and he cant handle knowing "I don't have his back on this" which is a lie, I know deep down he misses his dad and I want him to make peace with the past because it still torchers him. I am 8wks pregnant with out first child and it would be nice to have his dad in our childs life but when I say that to him he just walks away from me. Any advice, Am I in the wrong here?

[TAV]

You are not supporting him. You have no idea what he lived through; when he tells you he does not need contact he does not need contact. The world is not a happy place where we all can be friends in the sand pit. Some things are unforgivable. If you keep pushing him, he will start resenting you. Be supportive, give him the space to open up to you and in that way recover from what he went through. If ever he wants to see his dad it should be HIS decision, not yours.

[Lei Ping]

My husband and I married young when I just turned 21, We fell in love very quickly and married after nine months of dating, Now 7yrs later we are still together and I love him so much. My husband has been through a lot in his life, He moved out at a young age with his mother due to his dads past alcoholism, He took care of his mom before she died, he is and ex-Marine who lost many brothers in arms and now he was just a sad, lost, angry man who didn't deserve all this suffering he has gone through, He is now 33 and has become involved in professional fighting and has talked me into moving back to this hometown which we did just before Christmas.

 

Before we moved back my husband didn't see his dad for 14yrs, When I eventually convinced him to visit his dad, His dad has been sober for 3yrs and seemed a nice guy but my husband was still very angry and bitter about his father's former abusive behaviour, He failed to convince my husband that he has truly changed and it hurt his dad, I felt sorry for him. His dad wants to help train my hubby for fights etc but he wont allow him saying he doesn't want to reconcile their relationship. When I try hard to ask him to give his dad a chance we end up arguing and he gets really aggravated about me "taking his dad's side" which im not, Twice he has walked out of the house when I tried talking to him about it. He keeps telling me that I am all he has in life and he cant handle knowing "I don't have his back on this" which is a lie, I know deep down he misses his dad and I want him to make peace with the past because it still torchers him. I am 8wks pregnant with out first child and it would be nice to have his dad in our childs life but when I say that to him he just walks away from me. Any advice, Am I in the wrong here?

33 is an age when most professional fighters are retired. Does he have a death wish?

[d0nnivain]

You want the Norman Rockwell vision of family with loving grandparents for your new child. It's understandable but it might not be realistic.

 

 

First go to your husband & tell him you love him. Then tell him you will support him in whatever he choses. Try to explain that you were only trying to help but you now recognize that you don't know what happened, because you weren't there back then.

 

 

Let your husband repair his relationship with his dad on his own time.

[Ninjainpajamas]

First off, your husband is too old to be out there just getting into professional fighting...I know you're not going to be able to stop him but he's going to end up hurt, ex-marine or not, so unless he's maintained an excellent regiment and physical condition throughout his life to the level of basically being an athlete (including taking blows to the head and body) then he'd have a small chance of keeping it up for a little while longer...maybe, and if he fights like Floyd Mayweather Jr.and hardly takes a hit, but really it's only a matter of time until something seriously happens to him...at this point for him unless he's making in the hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars he's being a damn fool and is risking some major injuries, he's also got a family now, he's got to think about this long-term health...this isn't your early 20's where you can throw your body around like a ping pong ball and after a good nights rest you're good to go again, and even then it still hurts.

 

And I can completely relate, but let me tell you something about fighting, I came from a dysfunctional family as well, and I know all about resentment and rage/hate and internal turmoil it creates. I used to get into lots of fights as a kid growing up and into my teens, and because of my upbringing nothing made my blood boil more than someone who was a bully or bigger/stronger picking on someone weak physically, I intervened more than a few times in these situations...I was cool under pressure and stone cold about situations most people would be become panicked in because I was conditioned to a different reality, I was used to physical punishment far before any of these tough kids that just wanted to be tough for tough sake at school for whatever childish reason, and inside I had a whole different psychological motivation...I was out for blood when I was triggered, and nothing, no matter how much bigger or stronger as I was a skinny kid was going to stop me, If It took taking more punches, being quicker or striking them more times it didn't matter...I had heart, and most of these guys didn't so they quit when they became scared and learned at the slightest realization they weren't going to win the fight.

 

A lot of that though wasn't to be "bad @ss" it was a rage that drove me through childhood fights and playing sports, it was an internalization of self-destructive emotions, it was perfect for competing and I was cheered/praised for it, I could turn it off like a switch and this quiet kid/teenager suddenly burst out into this reckless force at will, but it wasn't motivation to compete that drove me to push myself so hard, it was simply how i dealt with my personal issues, every time I saw a guy across me in a fight or some fat 300 pound plus lineman against my 160 pound frame, that was my revenge and I was going to hit him with every fiber of my body and soul because I hated him, I burned on the inside...I didn't talk to anyone about it because I had never done that anyway, I didn't cry about it to anyone because I stopped crying a long time ago over things, I didn't show any emotional weakness or vulnerability whatsoever because that's the exact thing I was running from and I definitely didn't forgive anyone who had wronged me in my life, didn't have time for it, didn't care, had no ears for apologies and I "shouldn't have".

 

Naturally this wasn't doing my any favors in my personal/romantic relationships, this in turned caused me to react in unhealthy ways because I wasn't just angry some of the time, I was angry all of the time and at life itself, and in my romantic relationships it was quite odd for me because I would swing back from being emotional/sensitive and open, to being closed, dismissive and push people away...I'd just disappear, or I'd go out and cheat, I would just do things I knew I wasn't supposed to, I was just self-destructive and couldn't cope without the chaos in my life, I couldn't maintain this balance and I couldn't understand why I was feeling the way I was.

 

I saw the way that I was living my life and the things I was doing to other people to cause them pain out of my actions and behavior, people that were the closet to me and that I loved you always hurt the most...and slowly over time I started challenging myself to change, little by little I'd force myself to do something that I really felt like I didn't want to do, but I also knew I didn't want to be this person anymore, I couldn't just continue resenting and pushing everything away in my life to protect myself from being hurt again...I was a fighter in every way and I was learning how to be a pacifist, something I loathed and resisted constantly, I had my little relapses, I had my self-sabotaging behavior, it went on for years and years...but eventually I learned to accept the past for what it was, and after years of not talking to my father myself started opening that door and eventually saw him as another human being and not this perfect man, a man who had his own issues and faults, and because I didn't any longer feel like a victim I wasn't scared but empowered. Same situation with my mother, it was a tough road and the older and wiser I've gotten the more I've been able to understand why the way she was, she still struggles with issues of the past, and it's good to be able to see things from a different perspective, instead of looking up at them, now looking down on them from up high, just being above and out of that cloud with them for so many years.

 

There is nothing you can do to change someone, this is something he needs to decide for himself and for me, it took many many years and I still struggle with some personal issues here and there naturally, but I have grown very far from my younger self over the years, I saw what I would have become if I had stayed that way, i know people who are much older that never really let go and that was a great motivation for me, even people I used to look up to as a kid I know feel sorry for, knowing they'll have to go through what they have to, internalizing all that fear and pain and not knowing how to let go of it because anything else would be too different and scary.

 

You can't rescue him, you can only support people with their issues and accept them for who they are with them because it's they who ultimately have to help themselves...even if you know or think they'd be happier without them, people hold onto their problems because it's a comfort, it's a predictability and cycle that they're used to and when I was in it I couldn't imagine anything else, I didn't know anything else at the time and the longer you live that way the more usual that all becomes, the greater the fear and struggle to change and it's easy to just fall back into the comfort zone once you feel like you've strayed into territory you're unfamiliar with and you think to yourself that this isn't going to work.

 

You're not going to be able to pressure or motivate him, or even confront him with feelings he isn't ready to face, he will simply run away. I don't know how realistically this man can be there for you, I think he's in his own little world, he struggles to cope with his past and experiences, he doesn't know how to process them and get through them, instead they just hit him and fester like a wound that never heals. He's not ready and maybe he never will be, that's the person you're dealing with right now, not what you think or imagine he could be or because you see him suffer and struggle and you think you can somehow love or support him out of it, it just doesn't work that way and if you're trying to fix this man then you have to think about what this says about you and your own personal/family relationships.

 

He's got to learn to live life in the present instead of the past, but first he needs to make accept it and peace with it and have the courage to face those emotions, which like most people is something they never feel prepared to do, but he's got to be willing to fight his greatest enemy and everyone else's greatest enemy keeping you from change and progress....yourself. It's never anyone or anything else. And everyone will do that in their own time...or not, but that's their decision.

[Shoshanna]

First off, your husband is too old to be out there just getting into professional fighting...I know you're not going to be able to stop him but he's going to end up hurt, ex-marine or not, so unless he's maintained an excellent regiment and physical condition throughout his life to the level of basically being an athlete (including taking blows to the head and body) then he'd have a small chance of keeping it up for a little while longer....

 

 

Thanks for the replies guys. My husband has been fighting for years, Even before we met on and off and has been successful throughout the years but its only in the last few months he has taken it very serious and is in training a lot with his trainer, doing fights etc, I personally hate what hes doing because its too dangerous but it seems to help him take out his anger :/

[894hjk]

You need to back right off. You may not even know the entire story. Be there for him if he needs you, that's all he needs to hear.

You are being unfair.

[Shoshanna]

First off, your husband is too old to be out there just getting into professional fighting...I know you're not going to be able to stop him but he's going to end up hurt, ex-marine or not, so unless he's maintained an excellent regiment and physical condition throughout his life to the level of basically being an athlete (including taking blows to the head and body) then he'd have a small chance of keeping it up for a little while longer...maybe, and if he fights like Floyd Mayweather Jr.and hardly takes a hit, but really it's only a matter of time until something seriously happens to him...at this point for him unless he's making in the hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars he's being a damn fool and is risking some major injuries, he's also got a family now, he's got to think about this long-term health...this isn't your early 20's where you can throw your body around like a ping pong ball and after a good nights rest you're good to go again, and even then it still hurts.

 

And I can completely relate, but let me tell you something about fighting, I came from a dysfunctional family as well, and I know all about resentment and rage/hate and internal turmoil it creates. I used to get into lots of fights as a kid growing up and into my teens, and because of my upbringing nothing made my blood boil more than someone who was a bully or bigger/stronger picking on someone weak physically, I intervened more than a few times in these situations...I was cool under pressure and stone cold about situations most people would be become panicked in because I was conditioned to a different reality, I was used to physical punishment far before any of these tough kids that just wanted to be tough for tough sake at school for whatever childish reason, and inside I had a whole different psychological motivation...I was out for blood when I was triggered, and nothing, no matter how much bigger or stronger as I was a skinny kid was going to stop me, If It took taking more punches, being quicker or striking them more times it didn't matter...I had heart, and most of these guys didn't so they quit when they became scared and learned at the slightest realization they weren't going to win the fight.

 

A lot of that though wasn't to be "bad @ss" it was a rage that drove me through childhood fights and playing sports, it was an internalization of self-destructive emotions, it was perfect for competing and I was cheered/praised for it, I could turn it off like a switch and this quiet kid/teenager suddenly burst out into this reckless force at will, but it wasn't motivation to compete that drove me to push myself so hard, it was simply how i dealt with my personal issues, every time I saw a guy across me in a fight or some fat 300 pound plus lineman against my 160 pound frame, that was my revenge and I was going to hit him with every fiber of my body and soul because I hated him, I burned on the inside...I didn't talk to anyone about it because I had never done that anyway, I didn't cry about it to anyone because I stopped crying a long time ago over things, I didn't show any emotional weakness or vulnerability whatsoever because that's the exact thing I was running from and I definitely didn't forgive anyone who had wronged me in my life, didn't have time for it, didn't care, had no ears for apologies and I "shouldn't have".

 

Naturally this wasn't doing my any favors in my personal/romantic relationships, this in turned caused me to react in unhealthy ways because I wasn't just angry some of the time, I was angry all of the time and at life itself, and in my romantic relationships it was quite odd for me because I would swing back from being emotional/sensitive and open, to being closed, dismissive and push people away...I'd just disappear, or I'd go out and cheat, I would just do things I knew I wasn't supposed to, I was just self-destructive and couldn't cope without the chaos in my life, I couldn't maintain this balance and I couldn't understand why I was feeling the way I was.

 

I saw the way that I was living my life and the things I was doing to other people to cause them pain out of my actions and behavior, people that were the closet to me and that I loved you always hurt the most...and slowly over time I started challenging myself to change, little by little I'd force myself to do something that I really felt like I didn't want to do, but I also knew I didn't want to be this person anymore, I couldn't just continue resenting and pushing everything away in my life to protect myself from being hurt again...I was a fighter in every way and I was learning how to be a pacifist, something I loathed and resisted constantly, I had my little relapses, I had my self-sabotaging behavior, it went on for years and years...but eventually I learned to accept the past for what it was, and after years of not talking to my father myself started opening that door and eventually saw him as another human being and not this perfect man, a man who had his own issues and faults, and because I didn't any longer feel like a victim I wasn't scared but empowered. Same situation with my mother, it was a tough road and the older and wiser I've gotten the more I've been able to understand why the way she was, she still struggles with issues of the past, and it's good to be able to see things from a different perspective, instead of looking up at them, now looking down on them from up high, just being above and out of that cloud with them for so many years.

 

There is nothing you can do to change someone, this is something he needs to decide for himself and for me, it took many many years and I still struggle with some personal issues here and there naturally, but I have grown very far from my younger self over the years, I saw what I would have become if I had stayed that way, i know people who are much older that never really let go and that was a great motivation for me, even people I used to look up to as a kid I know feel sorry for, knowing they'll have to go through what they have to, internalizing all that fear and pain and not knowing how to let go of it because anything else would be too different and scary.

 

You can't rescue him, you can only support people with their issues and accept them for who they are with them because it's they who ultimately have to help themselves...even if you know or think they'd be happier without them, people hold onto their problems because it's a comfort, it's a predictability and cycle that they're used to and when I was in it I couldn't imagine anything else, I didn't know anything else at the time and the longer you live that way the more usual that all becomes, the greater the fear and struggle to change and it's easy to just fall back into the comfort zone once you feel like you've strayed into territory you're unfamiliar with and you think to yourself that this isn't going to work.

 

You're not going to be able to pressure or motivate him, or even confront him with feelings he isn't ready to face, he will simply run away. I don't know how realistically this man can be there for you, I think he's in his own little world, he struggles to cope with his past and experiences, he doesn't know how to process them and get through them, instead they just hit him and fester like a wound that never heals. He's not ready and maybe he never will be, that's the person you're dealing with right now, not what you think or imagine he could be or because you see him suffer and struggle and you think you can somehow love or support him out of it, it just doesn't work that way and if you're trying to fix this man then you have to think about what this says about you and your own personal/family relationships.

 

He's got to learn to live life in the present instead of the past, but first he needs to make accept it and peace with it and have the courage to face those emotions, which like most people is something they never feel prepared to do, but he's got to be willing to fight his greatest enemy and everyone else's greatest enemy keeping you from change and progress....yourself. It's never anyone or anything else. And everyone will do that in their own time...or not, but that's their decision.

 

 

I really appreciate that answer. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, It made perfect sense. I realise I have to be patient with him however hard that is. Thanks

[Poppygoodwill]

When I was in my early 20s I broke things off with my father for about ten years. He was often angry and violent when we were little and his behaviour left deep emotional scars. I was afraid of him and finally, when I gained my independence, I realized I didn't have to be around him. I didn't have to live with that fear and unease in my gut. I could just stop seeing him! What a revelation! So I did.

 

Ten years of more or less silence and distance from him what was I needed to gain the confidence to talk to him again and feel I could hold my own and not succumb to the dynamic of abuser and victim - at the very least, in my own mind. And then it took about 5 more years, and with a lot of effort on his part and mine, for me to get past the pain and put it to rest.

 

We are friendly now and I'm happy to have him in my life in this way, though we will never be close. My husband has encouraged me to try to get closer to him, for my own sake. But I can not. I have done the best I can and no matter how logical my husband might be on this point, it's not about logic, but feeling. It's about safety and anger and hurt and failing the sacred trust a child puts in you.

 

So, I understand your impulse and it's well intentioned, but your husband has to come to this on his own time and in his own way. *if he ever does, and it's a big IF* If he's not at peace with dealing with him, it will feel like being the victim all over again.

 

You've made your point, he understands what you're saying, but now leave it to him. You never know, babies have a way of magically changing people's hearts and minds. But in the meantime, let it go.

Edited February 23, 2014 by Poppygoodwill

[Ruby Slippers]

My dad was not physically abusive but verbally abusive. Men in my life have at times pushed me to have more of a relationship with him, suggesting I wasn't trying hard enough. What they didn't seem to get is that every time I saw him, the insults and criticism continued, and it was a burden to suffer. Nowhere near to the degree during childhood, because I'm an adult now. But he always found a way to get a little knife in and drive me right back to those sad childhood places and bring forth the tears. I had to be trained by a counselor to withstand the abuse and honestly show him my emotional reactions to his poor treatment before he even began to understand. I keep my distance for my own health and survival. Now that his health is faltering more and I'm one of the few of his kids who will visit him when he's very sick or just had surgery or another health ordeal, he has finally completely stopped being mean and verbally abusive to me. It's taken me a long time to begin to find some love and compassion in my heart for this sad, dark-hearted man who, with all his major flaws, is still my dad. The best thing you can do for your man is love and support him, without trying to push him into interactions he's not ready to face. And I agree that a new baby in a family has a healing and inspiring power.