silentmadness Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Hello everyone, I'll try to make this as short as possible while giving as much detail as I can. I'm hoping to get some insight because my husband is giving me nothing... Our sexual relationship has been really unstable, I have an extremely high drive would totally go everyday if I could. But he doesn't, says he has always had a low drive and just doesn't desire it. (He insists it has nothing to do with not being attracted to me) I've been trying to help him with this issue for a while because right now we are down to having sex maybe once a week but usually every two or three. He used to watch porn everyday but I have had a discussion with him and he has stopped watching that all together but he still never wants it and wont go to a dr. I am so frustrated by being rejected constantly by him and dont know what to do next. For example one night I was playfully touching him as he played a video game and he didn't push me away, in fact he pulled down his pants for me so I gave him a blowjob while he finished the current mission. After is was over I tried to get on him to initiate and he just laid there waiting for me to get off looking annoyed. It has gotten to the point that the more he rejects me, the less I like sex and when we do have it, I feel like it's pity sex and it isn't enjoyable anymore. I'm getting frustrated by the fact that this activity I used to enjoy so much has now become a chore that I have to fix myself or go without all together. Any viewpoints on this would be appreciated. A couple side points: *I have not gained any weight since we married and am in fact losing currently *He is not depressed *He doesn't want to see a dr about E.D. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 I am so frustrated by being rejected constantly by him and dont know what to do next. For example one night I was playfully touching him as he played a video game and he didn't push me away, in fact he pulled down his pants for me so I gave him a blowjob while he finished the current mission. After is was over I tried to get on him to initiate and he just laid there waiting for me to get off looking annoyed. A suggestion in this case would be that when he pulls down his pants tease him by giving him some attention and stimulation but then pull back and kiss his neck, maybe rub up against him......you know the seductive things he would respond to. Keep the teasing up until you have teased him away from the video game and into being interested in whatever you have to offer. This may not always work but is worth a try. And then again, you can always talk with him about it. Tell him the things you've posted here. It has gotten to the point that the more he rejects me, the less I like sex and when we do have it, I feel like it's pity sex and it isn't enjoyable anymore. I'm getting frustrated by the fact that this activity I used to enjoy so much has now become a chore that I have to fix myself or go without all together. A couple side points: *I have not gained any weight since we married and am in fact losing currently *He is not depressed *He doesn't want to see a dr about E.D. Ten characters Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 People withdraw from relationships for many reasons...if he is spent a lot of time playing video games, or doing things that generally distract him from the priorities in his life or has trouble doing anything but going to work it's likely he has some emotional issues going on underneath. A lot of people disconnect emotionally before they do physically, the physical you can fake for a while even when the emotions aren't there but eventually the emotional issues grow like a cancer and then it just overwhelms you until you've completely gone cold...when he is intimate with you he might not be present, maybe physically but psychologically or emotional he is shutdown. This can also happen because of trust, it's prevalent with women who cannot trust their partners or are having more personal and romantic issues within themselves, like having difficult accepting themselves or loving themselves...they might just feel like what they have to give is limited. For men it can be a combination of lack of self-fulfillment, struggling in general life, not accomplishing his goals, tired of a situation or circumstance, falling out of the honeymoon phase with a woman...who might have been a temporary fix or distraction just like those video games from all the things mentioned above...men are impacted by different circumstances than women but can detach internally nonetheless, they'll just be less communicative and expressive about it generally...especially as women are sensitive and more concerned with being the source or fixing it then understanding the problem the man is suffering from without taking it personal and then it becomes a greater issue than just being quite about it. At any rate, there's no magic fix to this because whatever the issue is, is not going to be fixed with these temporary tricks or attempts...if you're an adult, you're going to just have to talk to him and get to the bottom of the real issue, which can be scary for both partners and result in a lot of fighting and bickering, especially if he can't tell you the real truth like...he's just fallen out of love for you, he loves you but not in love with you kind of thing...you have to ask yourself if you're really ready for those answers or like many women...just going to avoid that part of it and come up with all these magic potions and suggestions to "fix" this...which is usually provided by another woman who is equally as clueless or will only be supportive...but you do need support. Your sex life is being affected by his personal issues, which are your relationship issues. Even if he's not as interested in sex, there is a clear disconnect here if there are other issues which are an indication...don't sweep them under the rug, or lastly you are merely incompatible...personally I'd have the same issues as you with the high sex drive, i'd be incredibly frustrated or shutdown but I know better than to just think it's just about sex and more about relationships to realize there's always more to it than just the that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author silentmadness Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 Thank you for your input Ninjainpajamas, I wish I could just talk to him and figure out why he doesn't want to be intimate with me. However after countless arguments and attempted discussions we never get anywhere past 'I just have low sex drive and am not in the mood all the time' I'm fine if he isn't in the mood often, but if I am giving him oral and he seems to be enjoying it but when I try for more he suddenly seems annoyed I get annoyed too and it puts me in a sour mood for the evening. I have even suggested we are not compatible together, and have attempted discussing the option of separating but he says that's not really an option for him, says he loves me and all of that. I don't understand how I can try to talk to him and find out what is wrong when he won't communicate with me at all. Speakingofwhich: Thank you for your suggestion as well although the idea of any sort of foreplay and teasing just made me laugh... there is no way in hell he would drop his video game because I was teasing him and usually foreplay for us is a bit of kissing, intercourse, back to his phone or game. As above, I've attempted talking to him but get no feedback in return just avoidance of the subject and closing off. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Thank you for your input Ninjainpajamas, I wish I could just talk to him and figure out why he doesn't want to be intimate with me. However after countless arguments and attempted discussions we never get anywhere past 'I just have low sex drive and am not in the mood all the time' I'm fine if he isn't in the mood often, but if I am giving him oral and he seems to be enjoying it but when I try for more he suddenly seems annoyed I get annoyed too and it puts me in a sour mood for the evening. I have even suggested we are not compatible together, and have attempted discussing the option of separating but he says that's not really an option for him, says he loves me and all of that. I don't understand how I can try to talk to him and find out what is wrong when he won't communicate with me at all. Most couples can't talk openly about everything, there's always that line of taboo where they either feel they aren't going to be heard/listened to or they're just going to start an argument or dismiss the problem...that's called avoiding the problem, the real issues isn't being talked about it's just being put off because he doesn't want to deal with it. If you can't compromises and communicate, I'm sorry but the relationship is just not going to get very far...it's just going to get worse, and your needs aren't going to be any closer to being met...so you need to really ask yourself if this is how you want to live and this is how you want your romantic partnership to be like...for myself, the answer is no, but that requires making a tough decision, but it's ultimately for being happier in the long run rather than being unfulfilled in indefinitely. Men are more pragmatic, they think of finances and rational circumstances....sounds like he needs you, either for support or care or as a companion, this is why many relationships go beyond their expiration date...especially when you are scared of the unknown like being single or finding someone else, there is a list of reasons that everyone has why not to leave a relationship which extends the situation without much improvement with at best spurts of "change" that only last temporary, so without being able to discuss anything and communicate there is no chance to move forward, the barrier is set...but as I said, there has to be more to this than just the sexual part of it and if he's just fallen out of it with you he's just over the relationship but stays because it's comfortable. You have to show him you are serious and you have to do what it takes to get his attention, if he really cares, if he really loves you like that then he will recognize that he has to communicate and make an effort, but don't use "sex" as the main drive...it doesn't work for men, I doubt it works for women...and everyone you talk to might just say get over it or just accept it because of X or X, but they might not relate or be in your shoes, you've got to be honest with yourself because your happiness depends on it not anybody else's. Try writing him a letter about how you feel and him withdrawing from you sexually makes you feel, if he wont' talk and you can't talk with an argument then just focus on how you feel...don't place blame or any of that, just write out a thoughtful letter and just express yourself, do what you have to communicate and express how you feel in as much detail as possible so he has no choice but to understand what you are going through...you've got to be willing to test your relationship and see what it can really take, because you're either going to go from it or it's going to break...because it's not the right one for you. Sorry, there's just no other way around it...he needs to realize where this relationship is and the state it is in, and you need to have the courage to be expressive and willing to do what it takes to be happy, or you'll just sit there and fight and nothing will change. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FallingLeaves Posted February 7, 2014 Share Posted February 7, 2014 Sorry, there's just no other way around it...he needs to realize where this relationship is and the state it is in, and you need to have the courage to be expressive and willing to do what it takes to be happy, or you'll just sit there and fight and nothing will change. ^^THIS!^^ He has to realize how serious this is to you. If I may, how long have you two known each other, and was there ever a time where your sex drives did match well? He sounds a lot like a guy I used to be involved with- hopelessly addicted to video games and would regularly turn down sex or even become aggressive if I so much as came on to him. While it was hard to finally say I'd had enough, my life has only gotten better with him out of it. Sad, but true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author silentmadness Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 I've tried writing notes explaining how I feel and how it is effecting me negatively to be rejected so much, he said to him sex is just sex no love involved so he doesn't feel the need for it barely ever. He has mentioned having an open relationship which I feel very uneasy with. He wants to have the freedom to to have more create friendshipz and have sex with other women when he never wants to do so with me to begin with kind of hurts. The more I thought about the proposition I started to think it was a good idea but only because I could find someone who might care for me in ways he doesn't, but then it becomes more than an open relationship and I'm basically looking for a replacement. :-( he says monogamous relatXzionships aren't natural for him. We've been together for about 5 years. At the beginning of the relationship he seemed to desire being intimate with me more but the longer we were together the less it happened and has nearly dropped off after marriage. He doesnt become aggressive about his video games, but he does seem to care more about that and his phone than me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hattie Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I can relate to your post. My situation is similar in that my husband is/was a heavy porn user. I started to see that affect our sex life negatively. After many arguements and heated discussions.....years of it, he finally has either cut back or quit altogether. I can't say for sure which, because everytime we talk about it, he just works on being sneakier about it. So now he isn't very sexual at all. I am not sure if it's because without being visually stimulated with porn, he can't function or he is doing it to get back at me for telling him I don't like his obsession with it. Luckily my husband is not a gamer...but he ignores me most of the time and uses his tablet. When I get sex now....it seems to be pity sex. Wished I had some great advice for you, but I don't! Just thought it might be reassuring to know you are not alone! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I think you need to think long and hard about this relationship and if this is something you can live with long term. If it's not? I would really think about making some changes before you end up so frustrated you end up doing something you might regret later. An open relationship doesn't seem to be what YOU want or need . Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Being ignored for an extended period of time is emotional abuse. Leave, now. Your needs are not important to him. Your sadness is not important to him. Your presence is not important to him. Ninja had some great points, but the sad thing is that if only one person is working on a relationship or an issue, the relationship will not improve or change. I am a proponent of working through issues until the other person gives up, then you need to find someone who is truly making you a priority and making you feel loved and wanted. You said he doesn't even want to talk about you needing intimacy so he doesn't care. I have a feeling this is about more than just sex and that he ignores you in general for video games and his needs. He says he loves out but is he showing you he loves you? Is this just sex or is it other things too? He will not change and his actions scream indifference. Indifference is relationship death. Let him play his video games and waste his life while you go find a man who will appreciate you. Men who love you don't ignore you. He loves himself and possibly Halo 4. Best, Grumps Edited February 12, 2014 by Grumpybutfun 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Okay, first off, the video game thing is just wrong on so many levels. Do not be desperate to the point where you are willing to take just any scraps that he throws at you with zero effort on his part. If he pulls his pants down for you do not give him a BJ while he continues playing! Seriously. That is not how you fix the issue. Secondly, for your R to have any hope of surviving, he needs to be willing to work on things with you. He needs to be open to a doctor, a therapist, a marriage counselor - something. If he is willing to do so then there may be hope, but otherwise there is not much else you can do except leave. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TiredFamilyGuy Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) OP Really sorry for your situation. Sounds to me like it his emotional issues not physical ones that are the cause. If you are LD you don't suggest you need to shag other women ... You do say that if you have gone off your partner. "He has mentioned having an open relationship which I feel very uneasy with. He wants to have the freedom to to have more create friendshipz and have sex with other women when he never wants to do so with me to begin with kind of hurts. The more I thought about the proposition I started to think it was a good idea but only because I could find someone who might care for me in ways he doesn't, but then it becomes more than an open relationship and I'm basically looking for a replacement. :-( he says monogamous relatXzionships aren't natural for him". Big. Red. Flag. He seems to think you are not meeting his needs and can't and he is not meeting yours. I think one of you needs to pull the plug. Edited February 14, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I think you should considering getting a divorce. Sad to say it, but it seems the man cares more about his game than your needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author silentmadness Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Polyhedron, we are both in our mid twenties and only been together for about 5 years total. Weve been married for 3 of those 5. I don't feel like it's just because it's been the same old thing. I've been trying to introduce new things and keep things interesting however nothing seems to work. We even tried watching porn together before he stopped watching it at all (he had an addiction and we thought that would help his stamina). I feel like the video games are not his only distraction, he will do stuff on his phone or in general just not want to be affectionate oftentimes. It's something I've been struggling with a lot but he just insists that because sex doesn't equal love for him it's not a big deal and i should just accept him how he is because he accepts me for how i am. Sorry for the delayed response i've had some family stuff going on lately. Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Thank you for your input Ninjainpajamas, I wish I could just talk to him and figure out why he doesn't want to be intimate with me. However after countless arguments and attempted discussions we never get anywhere past 'I just have low sex drive and am not in the mood all the time' I'm fine if he isn't in the mood often, but if I am giving him oral and he seems to be enjoying it but when I try for more he suddenly seems annoyed I get annoyed too and it puts me in a sour mood for the evening. I have even suggested we are not compatible together, and have attempted discussing the option of separating but he says that's not really an option for him, says he loves me and all of that. I don't understand how I can try to talk to him and find out what is wrong when he won't communicate with me at all. Speakingofwhich: Thank you for your suggestion as well although the idea of any sort of foreplay and teasing just made me laugh... there is no way in hell he would drop his video game because I was teasing him and usually foreplay for us is a bit of kissing, intercourse, back to his phone or game. As above, I've attempted talking to him but get no feedback in return just avoidance of the subject and closing off. It sounds to me that he is addicted to video games. Is that true? My husband would be frustrated with me if I were on the computer when he is home. (I am sick and he is at the gym, which is why I'm on the computer now.) I have learned that when my husband is with me, to give him all my attention. We have a lot of fun together talking and flirting and making out, because we are each other's entertainment. When we watch tv, we watch together holding hands. To me, it seems that you have been replaced by your husband's video games. I don't know how you can help him break his addiction because if you broached the subject, he would probably get very annoyed with you and think you are trying to control him. It's something he has to want for himself. You might want to kindly ask him (not nagging but ask in a fun way when you do have all his attention) if y'all can have a date night that is doing something fun that's outside, like going camping or something, where you and him can do it together without any video games or screens around. As for giving him a blowjob while he was playing a video game, while I understand you doing that, I don't think that's the way to encourage your husband to give you his undivided attention. Rather to me, it seems like it teaches your husband that he doesn't have to give you his undivided attention, which is detrimental to the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Plumeria Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I am in your exact situation (maybe a little worse). We have been married 13yrs & have not had sex for over a yr. I feel your pain! I am curious if things have gotten better for you? I understand it's not just the video games. Phone, tv, work, even the dog get more attention from him then I do. I seem to come last in a long line of other important/interesting things. For us, there is rarely any physical contact. It's so hurtful & frustrating. Many people have told me it's time to make him realize how deperate the situation has gotten. This is so difficult to do. In my case, I have a hard time doing this since he doesn't listen when I do voice my concerns & ultimately I don't want to hurt him as he has hurt me. I guess the bottom line is you need to decide if you can live the rest of your life this way. Please keep us posted on what happens! Take comfort in the fact that you are not the only one experiencing this. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I hate to say this, but he's emotionally disconnected from you, completely. But he wants you to stick around, and is using emotional blackmail to keep you there. ....but he says that's not really an option for him, says he loves me and all of that. You're far more invested in this relationship than he is - and he knows it. Remember the hard-truth adage: "He who cares the least controls the most". I'm sorry, but if you suggest separating, I'm of the opinion that such ultimatums are utterly pointless, unless you follow through, when there is no effort of improvement from the other party. You need to pack your bags and leave, and mean it. Doubtless he will then panic, promise to change, assure you he loves you and needs you back. And if you go back, doubtless, you WILL see an improvement. But I suspect it will be both temporary and brief. This guy is not one to accommodate you - not while you have hitherto bent over backwards to accommodate him. Link to post Share on other sites
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