Wife isn't happy that I hang out with friends

[ctxinfl]

My wife is not happy that I hang out with my friends. Here are the details:

 

• We have a six-year-old daughter.
  
• My wife is a stay-at-home mom.
  
• I travel for my job, so usually three out of four weeks every month I fly out on Monday and fly home on Friday. Though there are also occasions in which I’m home for several weeks straight. When I’m not traveling I work from home or I don’t work at all.
  
• I don’t hang out with my friends when I’m in the middle of traveling, so if I’ve been gone for the week then I won’t hang out on Saturday. If I’ve been home all week then I’ll hang out with my friends. At best I’ll see my friends twice a month, though I often go a month without hanging out.
  
• When we do hang out we don’t go to bars or running around at all; we are at a house playing games. My wife knows where I am at all times.
  
• When we do hang out I’ll leave about 4 PM coming home about 10:30 – 11 PM, so I’m usually gone 6 - 7 hours.
  

 

Is this unreasonable?

 

I used to hang out much more (once a week for much of the day), though I cut back. I also don’t watch much sports on TV (maybe one football game on Saturday and one on Sunday). Meanwhile she says that I won’t change, though I believe I have. It seems that she won't be happy until I have no friends and no hobbies. And when I am home she nearly completely ignores me. We'll go weeks without sex and we never have sex unless I initiate, so basically it feels like she doesn't want me around.

 

I’m not sure what to do and this is really driving a wedge in our marriage. In the last two years she's told me she hated me one time and twice told me she wanted a divorce. I'm pretty sure she only backed down the second time once she realized she'd have to get a job meaning our daughter would likely be put in an after school program. I suggested counseling one time to which she was receptive, though also said she was too tired to go. I'm willing to work on this; it just feels like there is zero middle ground.

 

I don't believe marriage, even with kids, means you abandon your friends. You obviously prioritize with family coming first, though parents need social breaks. At least that's how I feel.

 

Any advice on dealing with this? Thank you.

[Eivuwan]

I don't think you're hanging out with friends too much. If this isn't something you can't work out with your wife then you would have to be more forceful with the counseling idea. I mean, what are YOU getting out of the marriage? What does your wife do all day besides taking care of your child. Does she have friends?

[d0nnivain]

Your wife needs more adult time in her life. Encourage her to get it & she should be less resentful of the time you spend with your friends.

[crederer]

What's the reasoning she gives you for being upset about this? Does she feel you're not pulling your weight? Is she depressed?

[Mr. Lucky]

Considering your work and travel schedule and given the challenges your wife faces as basically a single Mom, two 8-hour "shifts" a month with friends seems excessive.

 

Why not compromise and hang for 3-4 hours? Your wife is obviously communicating something through her words and actions that you seem determined to ignore...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ctxinfl]

Thank you for the replies.

 

My wife looks after our daughter, though nothing else really. She barely cleans (the house isn't a disaster, though not what I'd expect with a stay-at-home mom I guess), doesn't cook, and doesn't do any projects around the house. I work from home on occasion for a week or two at a time, so I've seen her routine. It consists of dropping our daughter off at school, coming home to watch TV and take a nap, and maybe vacuum a room.

 

She doesn't really have any friends. She had one friend that turned out be a bad person. There is a neighborhood friend that she'll sometimes hang around with, though not often. I've tried to persuade her to find some friends (maybe join a tennis club or something) or otherwise get out of the house more allowing me to stay at home with our daughter. She won't have any of it.

 

Her reasoning is that she feels I ignore her and our daughter because in her words, "I'm always at my friend's," which just isn't true. I've not been over there in a month and if I looked over the entire year I'd bet a paycheck there isn't a month in which I've been over more than twice, though you'll find many months in which I wasn't over at all. So her entire premise just isn't accurate at all. Short of telling her she's lying I'm not sure how to deal with it.

 

Mr. Lucky, I've tried a compromise. The problem is that my wife wanted to move to a rural area a few years back, so now all of my friends are 45 minutes away. I've tried to have them at our house that way I'm gone less. When I do that my wife is also unhappy saying that her privacy is being invaded (yet she has people over far more than I do). And does it really matter if it is 6 hours or 8 hours? She and my daughter are in bed by 8 PM, so does it really matter if I get home at 10 PM or 11 PM?

[theothersully]

Some people are just different. I'm like your wife in a marriage. I'd be upset if my partner was gone that much and then wanted to see friends instead of me when he was home too.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky, I've tried a compromise. The problem is that my wife wanted to move to a rural area a few years back, so now all of my friends are 45 minutes away. I've tried to have them at our house that way I'm gone less. When I do that my wife is also unhappy saying that her privacy is being invaded (yet she has people over far more than I do). And does it really matter if it is 6 hours or 8 hours? She and my daughter are in bed by 8 PM, so does it really matter if I get home at 10 PM or 11 PM?

ctxinfl, I'm not lobbying for either side.

 

Your wife sounds unhappy, maybe desperately so. Usually, if someone you love feels that way, one takes steps to understand and address it.

 

Or not. Up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Grumpybutfun]

ctxinfl:

Just keep this in mind, her perception is her reality. Your time with her, your marriage disintegrating, is really the issue here, you do know that, right? She is just fixating on your friends because it is something tangible she can compare with your lack of time with her. You two have lost the connection (loss of sex and loss of quality time together.) You need to figure out how to reconnect because if you do not, you may lose your marriage in the following ways.

1. Adultery. She finds someone to fill that emotional/sexual need or you do on your travels.

2. You live separate lives only staying the marriage for the child and both resenting each other.

3. You divorce because you cannot find your way back to each other.

 

Her focus on your time with your friends is a cry for you to notice her and try to figure out a way to work yourselves back to each other before it is too late and one of the above happens in your own marriage.

 

You need to understand that this woman is with a small child most of the time and she is getting lost in her role as mommy only. It happens to a lot of stay at home mothers. By being gone most of the week on work, and then you two not connecting because she obviously has some resentments about being alone ALL THE TIME (exaggeration is not mine, but probably hers because she is overwhelmed) with your child, so when you are home she ignores you hoping you will miss her. (I know this seems whack but trust me when I say this is how some people learn to communicate.)

 

You may need a Marriage Counselor to help mediate and learn communication tactics to get things back on track. I would take this seriously now, because a few years may be too late and mistakes may be made that will destroy your family.

 

Good luck,

Grumps

[ctxinfl]

I'm trying to understand it. I'm always the one who initiates trying to find out what the problem is, so I'm trying. And I guess I know what the problem is. She's been doing this for years. She started when we first starting dating years ago. I'd hang out with my friends, which upset her. She even accused me of being gay.

 

When we married I cut back on how often I hung out with my friends. When we had a kid I cut back even more. I don't think she'll be happy until I cut out all friends and non-family interests. And I just don't think it's fair to ask that of a spouse. I've never asked her to stop doing the things she enjoys and I encourage her to find more things to do.

[beach]

Is seeing your friends so important that you

Lose your M/wife/family?

 

How much are you taking your wife out for social time together/a date?

 

 

How about your wife lines up a few hobbies for herself/her time on her own?

 

If you're so intent on continuing this way - it could end your M.

[ctxinfl]

Hi, Grumpy. I had a job offer about a year ago. It was a bit of a salary loss, though there would have been no travel. We were having issues at the time, so I asked if me taking this job and being home more would help. She replied no because she liked me gone.

 

The entire situation is very confusing to me. We have to see a counselor. I have received so many conflicting thoughts and messages from her that I just have no idea what to do at this point. One of the reasons she gave me for wanting a divorce last time was that the frying pans I used when I cook are too big. What does that even mean?

[Grumpybutfun]

ctxinfl:

If she likes you gone, have you considered that she is using you for financial security only? I mean being home would be a huge perk for any spouse even with a moderate pay cut....

G

[ctxinfl]

Is seeing your friends so important that you

Lose your M/wife/family?

 

How much are you taking your wife out for social time together/a date?

 

 

How about your wife lines up a few hobbies for herself/her time on her own?

 

If you're so intent on continuing this way - it could end your M.

 

Obviously my family is more important than my friends.

 

How often I've tried to take my wife out and how often we go out are two different things. In six years we've been out two times (maybe three) without our kid. And those are very quick; two hours at the most. Getting her to let loose her grip on our daughter is next to impossible. I have asked her many times for us to go out alone. It just doesn't happen.

 

She likes to play tennis, so I've tried to get her to do that more often. She likes yoga, so I've asked her if she wanted to join a yoga class, though she won't do that either. Nor will she join a regular gym. She's in the reserves and the people at her base will play flag football on Sundays. She expressed an interest in playing, though she won't because she wants to come straight home to our daughter.

 

I've thought about trying to make Friday nights a "game night." We could invite some neighbors over for board games or the such. Something that would give her some more adult interaction.

[ctxinfl]

ctxinfl:

If she likes you gone, have you considered that she is using you for financial security only? I mean being home would be a huge perk for any spouse even with a moderate pay cut....

G

 

Yeah, I've considered that. And I believe that is exactly the situation. She has told me twice in the past year she wanted a divorce. The first time I thought it was me and so I really tried to be a better husband and father.

 

The second time I realized it was her because this time I really took her to task to find out exactly what was wrong. And her reasons were nonsensical: The frying pans I use are too big. When I cook I don't clean up immediately. (To put this in to perspective, she never cooks, so I was doing all of the cooking and all of the cleanup.) And there were a few others.

 

So I told her fine. We'll get divorced. Then she started realizing the implications: she would have to get a job and our daughter put in some sort of after school care. So she then said she still wanted a divorce, though she wanted me continue to live in the house paying all of the bills for nine years (until our daughter was old enough to stay home by herself after school). I told her that wasn't happening.

 

The next day she called me in tears apologizing, saying it was a mistake, etc.

[Grumpybutfun]

ct:

If you are the primary/only breadwinner, why are you cooking and cleaning? I can understand helping, but that makes no sense to me.

If she withholds sex, doesn't want to be with you when you are home and does nothng much around the house, then I wonder if she is just wanting you to not spend time with your friends as a way to control you. Is that a possibility? Is she controlling?

May I also ask your ages? Is she obese or lethargic? Does she show you any affection? Have she ever shown passion for you in the bedroom? Has she ever made you a priority?

hmmm,

G

[beach]

May I ask what nationality she is?

 

 

She "never" cooks?

 

Have you ever wondered if you're gay?

[beach]

She might be happier if she was productive by working outside the home.

 

Her world needs to expand beyond home and your daughter.

 

Date night once a week minimum.

[loveandrockets]

If I didn't know any better, would think my wife has found a 2nd husband.

 

My wife is almost exactly the same, except she has a lot of acquaintenances, though they're not people she sees outside of school events, or social activities directly related to our daughter's softball league. But she naps everyday for hours, and resents the time I spend with my friends.

 

I gave up on housework getting done, and hired a cleaning service that now comes every week.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

She sounds depressed as hell.

 

I would insist she get a complete physical. I get tired a lot too, due to diabetes. I have also battled depression and anxiety.

 

I say give her a choice. Either complete physical and counseling, with you, or divorce. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

 

Give it six months. Devote time to her and the child, sans friends for that time period. Give it your all. Then, if things do not improve at all, file for divorce.

[dichotomy]

Considering your work and travel schedule and given the challenges your wife faces as basically a single Mom, two 8-hour "shifts" a month with friends seems excessive.

 

Why not compromise and hang for 3-4 hours? Your wife is obviously communicating something through her words and actions that you seem determined to ignore...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

This this this.

 

Putting it another way perhaps - 80-90% of your "completely free time" (not traveling, not working, not exercising) should be for your wife and child. 10-20% for yourself and your friends.

 

I am a tiny bit concerned also about time with your children. I would prefer you took your child to a movie or games rather than your friends...but I do understand you need some social time as well.

 

Also try inviting your friends to your home for games. Maybe if they have wives you could do a group event, BBQ's, wine and beer, and let wives get to know each other at the home and the kids play from different families.

Edited November 27, 2013 by dichotomy

[ctxinfl]

Grumpy:

 

After the second divorce threat when she called me crying and apologizing she stated that she never pictured herself as a stay at home mom. Until our kid arrived she was a career woman. She worked hard never missing a day of work, so going from that to staying at home all day was jarring. I should also mention that staying at home is her choice. I'd rather her have a job, not so much for finances as it would occupy her time. So she's not a homemaker at all. She wasn't before we had our kid and in six years of playing the role of one she hasn't changed.

 

I wouldn't say she is controlling. She is definitely controlling when it comes to our daughter, though not with much else. I'm not allowed much say when it comes to her.

 

We are both in our late 30s. She isn't obese and not lethargic. She does some exercise, though her diet isn't good. She doesn't eat too much, just not very healthy. She isn't affectionate. She used to be more so than she is today. That was one of the areas I really tried to improve on after she first asked for a divorce, so I give her random little kisses, hugs, massage her feet, etc. Though for the past year or so she's started to pull away more whenever I try to embrace her and has stated a few times that it isn't me, but that she just doesn't like being touched. It hasn't always been this way.

 

I am certainly not a priority; I don't know if I even crack the top three. Our daughter is her first priority to the point that she allows our daughter to occupy 100% of her time. For a long time she wouldn't even answer the phone when I'd call. She'd reply to texts, though not answer a call. Neither of us particularly like talking on the phone, though I liked to call every few nights so I could tell her and our daughter good night. After the second divorce demand I brought this up pointing out that she won't even talk to me for two minutes on the phone, yet I could go through her phone log and find at least one call every day to her mom or sister lasting 10 - 15 minutes.

 

At least two other people, including her sister, have pointed out that she emasculates me.

 

Beach:

 

Wife is from the U.S. She will cook a meal perhaps once every three months, though even then it is a one dish meal. Otherwise her cooking consists of putting frozen chicken nuggets in the oven.

 

I'm not gay. Hanging out with friends doesn't make one gay I don't believe. I've known some of these guys for 20+ years. I have a brother, though I never grew up with him. I didn't even know I had a brother until I was 12, so several of my friends are like my brothers. My wife knows them all too and gets along with all of them. They all hold down good jobs and are responsible people with families of their own. I make it a point to never hang out with people who are negative influences. I firmly believe you are who you hang out with.

 

Nyla:

 

One thing my wife said yesterday is that she's stuck at home all day while I get to leave the house and go places while working, so I do think she resents me some. She doesn't like being at home all day while I get to leave the house (for work). I've tried a few times to prod her in to some sort of regular part time job. I even lined her up for a good work from home job with the same company I work for, though she didn't want to invest the time to learning the job.

 

daisy:

 

She complains about being tired all the time. She's usually in bed by 7 or 8 PM, though she rarely sleeps the night through as she still allows our daughter (6 years old) to get her up at night. When I'm not home our daughter sleeps in our bed. I've considered that perhaps she has some sort of deficiency in her diet (iron maybe) contributing to her being tired all of the time. I'll suggest a physical. Counseling is a must. We've tried to work through this on our own and are getting nowhere.

 

dichotomy:

 

As I say, I don't spend time with friends if I've been gone for the week, so I don't come home on Friday and then take off to hang out on Saturday. The only time I hang out is if I've been home all week. And when I'm home for the week I am in the house all week. No office to report to. So I see my wife and kid all day during those weeks. Only then will I hang out on Saturday.

 

For a while I tried pushing the issue of me taking our daughter out alone (to the park, movie, shopping, etc) giving my wife some needed space and free time, though she would always butt in insisting that she come. We argued multiple times about this as well. She said we needed to do everything as a family while I said I wanted some time alone with our daughter and also wanted to give my wife a needed break. The arguments were often pretty bad, so I've quit doing this altogether, which probably isn't the best response either.

 

I've tried having my friends over. In the last 3.5 years they've been over four times, two of those times when my wife was out of town for the weekend (so no intruding on her space). She hates my friends being at our house.

 

Thank you all. I appreciate the responses as it allows me to better think through this.

[Acacia98]

I don't know... putting together everything you're saying, it sounds to me like your wife is depressed, and her depression is compounding whatever insecurities she has. Maybe I'm wrong, but it wouldn't hurt to look it into it.

 

If it turns out she's perfectly okay, then maybe you guys need to look into divorce. Because she has clearly checked out, you're both miserable, and I really don't see how you can single-handedly rebuild a marriage.

[ctxinfl]

Hi, FlowerPum

 

My wife and I don't have a special day. In six years we've been out only a handful of times alone (i.e. no daughter), and even those are very quick lasting only an hour or two. I've tried many times to arrange a date night for us, though my wife only seems mildly interested. I need to push this more I think.

[Balzac]

You are married to an adult child. A miserable person who is unlikely to create her own life. Your friends aren't the problem. Your job sounds fairly standard. Most guys I know work many hours each week, gym time, focus on woman time and buddy time all fit in. Weekends away - vacation - couple socializing w and w/o kids - it a happens. Working 80hrs a week is standard. You sound a bit more career mature - dude-cut your losses. Write her the big check and build a life w a happy career woman. Your daughter will adapt. You're living in a bog of misery w a refusenik team player. I feel your pain.