so upset . . . shaking . . . not supportive of husband?

[d0nnivain]

I just booked my husband on a cross country flight to California for a funeral. A dear friend of his died last weekend in a tragic accident. They served in the military together years before I ever met DH.

 

Am I a bad wife because I'm not going? I can't really take the time off . . . even if it's just 2 days.

 

I have had so much loss & death in my life these past 2 years, I can't handle any more especially not something this sudden / tragic. The guy was our age (mid 40s) so it wasn't like he had a long life which makes it even more sad.

 

I met the deceased & his wife 3 times over the past 4 years and in total have spent maybe 40-50 hours tops with these people. Really, I don't know them.

 

My husband says he's fine with me not going. It was my idea for him to go. Part of why I think he's going is that he knows if it were my friend I'd be on a plane. I think he's learning about being there for others & I am so proud of him for that.

 

I have no reason to believe DH not OK with my decision, but I feel like I'm being a bad wife. When he mentioned going he said he assumed I wouldn't be able to handle it. The idea of flying across the country for this has me sick to my stomach & shaking. I have a call in to the psychologist I have been seeing for all of my death related depression issues. Both my parents died recently & my childhood home was destroyed in an accident. Our dog died & I have lost more than 20 people in the last 2 years. (that's not an exaggeration; I have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of all the losses)

 

I know if I go to this funeral I will be more of a burden to DH than a comfort to anyone but I still feel guilty. He's going to comfort the widow & say good bye to an honored comrade.

 

Somebody please tell me I'm not the world's worst spouse.

[winterpast]

No, you are a very good spouse. You are being supportive of your husband by recognizing that he needs to go say goodbye to a dear friend.

 

Worlds worst spouse= if you had forbid him to go.

[BHsigh]

I agree, you sound like you are supporting him and are more than ok with him making this trip to show his respects to his friend.

 

You are in no way being unsupportive by not traveling with him, I have to commend you for making sure that he goes to say good bye to his friend.

[d0nnivain]

Are there actually people out there who would prevent a spouse from going to a funeral? yuck:(

[winterpast]

Are there actually people out there who would prevent a spouse from going to a funeral? yuck:(

 

Very controlling ones do

[PoohGirl90]

You said it yourself: You've been diagnosed with PTSD. That is not a joke. You're going through a lot and it sounds to me like your husband is understanding. PTSD is not your fault, and a serious mental disorder. It's OK to keep yourself safe and avoid any more tragedy!!! Please take care of yourself!

[d0nnivain]

I'm feeling a tad better on DH's behalf. Another buddy has offered to let DH stay at his house for the funeral. At least DH won't be alone in a hotel.

 

Now I'm scared because they are planning to go to the accident site after the grave to pay their respects. The man who died over the weekend was the 3rd buddy to die at that location. He was actually going out there to tend to the unofficial shrine they erected years ago for 2 other buddies who died at that same spot. I know it's irrational but I wish DH wouldn't go there; it's danagerous.