Azeele Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Here's my situation: I'm getting married in less than two weeks. I discovered a couple of weeks ago that my fiance has a profile up on a sex/swinger web site. The profile says that he hasn't visited the site since August of last year. I know he's been there since then so I assume the date on the profile means he hasn't updated his profile since August of last year. We met last year in April and have been intimate since last June and broke up from July to about October. So, I'm not upset that he joined the site just that he still visits the site and hasn't taken down the profile. Yes, I've been snooping in the temp internet files. He clears his history but not the temp files so I've been able to see where he goes. I've noticed that he visits this site about every 5 days. When I first noticed he'd been there my heart just took a nose dive into my stomach and I was just sick. I thought about calling off the wedding but then I calmed down and decided I wanted to see what he was doing on there. I figured if I confronted him he'd just say "I forgot it was up there." and then I'd have to confront him that I'd been snooping and I know that he's been on there recently, know his profile is there and he hasn't taken it down. I'm 35, I've been married and had a few bfs- I know how that works. I suspected that if I confronted him from the beginning, he'd deny knowing it was up there, then I'd say "oh yes you did know it was up there", then he'd tell me whatever I want to hear, take it down and start erasing all of his internet history from now on. We'd have a "feel good" relationship talk and then years later after we are married I'd find him at it again. So....I joined myself - as someone else - and sent him a "wink". He hasn't responded to it. If he had responded to "my" advances I would have canceled the wedding right then but he didn't. He hasn't paid for the site and - from the looks of his activity - he's only logging on briefly, looking, and logging off. As a "single" guy looking for casual sex on one of these sites where the m/f ratio is something like 50/1, I doubt he's seeing any action, anyway, but I'm totally hurt and confused. I've since had a discussion with him about what marriage means to me and asked him what it means to him, etc. I expect him to be faithful and honest, not just in person, but on the internet, etc. I know, I know, I'm not being totally honest with him by holding on to what I know. But, I also don't have a personal ad. Guys, maybe you can help me out here...is it totally out of character for a man who's about to make the big plunge into marriage to be hesitant to take his profile down and still want to look from time to time? - because that's what I think he's doing. Of course, if he is doing that, then I would expect for him - at least - to remove his profile after we are married. But I'd like for him to do it on his own because he wants to - not because I told him he has to. So, what do you think? What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 If you're going to marry this man, it's time to fess up about what you did and ask him to explain what he's doing. If he's still entertaining the idea of other women coming on to him (even as an ego-boost or an outlet for trapped feelings pre-marriage), it's serious. I wouldn't give my lifelong trust and welfare to a man who would do that, at least not without some serious discussions. This is a BIG RED FLAG. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Amandy Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Hi, I argee with Uriel, fess up to him about your snooping. And I think your snooping is cancelled out by the fact he did do something wrong. He sounds like a cheater just waiting to happen and you have to think of your health. Do you want any STDS? Can you take being on an emotinal rollar coaster? I know someone who went through something similar and she just broke down on her husband one day in tears and she is still going through soooooooo much stress and anxiety. It may be best to cut this one loose and look for a guy with good morals. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azeele Posted July 20, 2004 Author Share Posted July 20, 2004 Thank you for everyone's responses. Everyone's response seemed to indicate that I really, really needed to say something to him about what I found. I'm so glad I did. Well,l I confronted him about it yesterday. He said he hadn't visited the site for a very long time but he still receives periodic emails from the site and then just deletes them. And...that would be consistent with my findings. On the site it says that he hasn't visited since August 03 and the temp internet files just show 8-10 thumbnail images from that site. - about 5 days apart. That would make sense if the site had been sending him emails every five days. He said he just didn't even think about it since he never got any responses from it anyway. and..since I still get emails showing my latest matches from yahoo personals and hadn't deleted my profile - just hidden it - (I deleted it last night) - how could I complain? He wasn't upset that I snooped - he just apologized for causing me distress and said that he - of course - had not been looking. So, we kissed and made up and drove downtown to get our marriage license Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Good for you. That's great news. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
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