supermom Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 I am getting fed up I am starting to feel like I am the mother of my 30 year old husband. I'm sick of having to tell him to do everything, I am surprised I don't have to remind him to wipe his own a$$. I am starting to turn into the kind of wife I don't want to be....a nag! Last night was it! I am starting to be unhappy and I don't want that to happen. This past weekend our cooler went out.....so him and my dad set up scaffoding (can't spell) and fixed the cooler. Well my gpa (we live on the same prop,different houses, my gpa's equipment) asked him to put the scaffoding down in a day so that my H could check the cooler. Well IT IS STILL UP! and it's Friday again. So one week. Then I've got tires on the side of my house, looking like a junk yard. I had to remind him to mow and water. So I explained last night that my gparents (they are our landlords too, we get a good discount on rent to help take care of the yard 1 1/2 acres and they are old) and I understand as I work for a PRoperty Management Company, so technically I am a landlord too, and my place is looking like ****. Well then he f-ing blows up telling me he is is going to tell me gpa to f&ck off and starts going to his house. Now, I am imagining him yelling at my gpa, for something I feel the same for, and them having a heart attack or something from the stress. I am starting to get so irritated at my husband it is effecting our marriage. The sucky thing is that we have a child and I don't want my marriage to go sour, but come on..he's 30 f-ing years old I am sick of mothering him. If I don't say anything...nothing gets done. He is acting like a 20 year old. I hate this!! I'm getting sick and tired of even being around him now because he acts like a child. I have to remind him to change my oil. I have even asked him and my dad to show me how to do it, but they think I can't. I wish he would be like "I have to change the oil today" or "I'm going to mow the lawn" I mean it's not like I ask a lot, I JUST ASK THAT HE BE A MAN!!!!!!!!! I am so frustrated I wanna scream !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted July 16, 2004 Author Share Posted July 16, 2004 I also told him that I would never yell at his parents...it's a respect issue. He says well my parents are not like your grandparents. It's like DUH BE A GROWN UP AND ACT YOUR AGE. Come on that is common knowledge right! Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 My husband can act like a child, too. It can be extremely frustrating. It's on the list of things that drive me up the wall... Link to post Share on other sites
feesh13 Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 So they never grow up...just get worse? That sucks. I also meant to add that I am getting to the unhappy nagging stage. I hate how I feel like that. Sorry about your hubby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted July 17, 2004 Author Share Posted July 17, 2004 hmmm so are all husbands like this? I had a talk w/ mine so we'll see. I am getting to the unhappy nagging stage. I hate how I feel like that. Me too People have suggested I write a chore list, but why should I? He's older than me. If I can hold down a job, kid, and house why not him? He is a good man though. He does help with everything, it's just my problem is the "nagging" I am getting to. I don't want to do it. I hate reminding him to do things around the house that have to get done. I wish he would just see it and do it. Well...we'll see we had a talk last night that seemed to go pretty well. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Did you ever read the links about AD/HD I gave you? If you honestly love this man, then find out if he actually has a disorder. Unless you prefer to think of him as a child, jerk, etc. etc. Here's a clue for you about the nature of AD/HD. One woman was quoted as saying to her husband "You better get real invested in proving to me that you do have AD/HD because if you don't, that means you're just a jerk". The CHRONIC FORGETFULNESS that is characteristic of AD/HD is NOT deliberate, nor is it a sign of lack of caring. Spouses of people with AD/HD need to understand, not condemn their partners because the people with AD/HD CANNOT HELP BEING FORGETFUL. But some people just prefer to hate their partners rather than to find out what's really going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 If everyone who is lazy should be scrutinized for AD/HD, then everyone who is making a list of things for their spouses "to do" might be equally scrutinized for OCD! Soon, we'll all be on happy pills for something or another, drinking bubble-up and eating rainbow stew. Again, I'm unsurprised at how little women's liberation has done to change the common perception (e.g. only men can (or should) change the oil in the car)? Or should I say that I'm not surprised that the liberation movement has been very SELECTIVE in the societal changes that are evident today, supporting my belief that human females do have the much greater intellectual capacity. Evolution should make us completely irrelevant in a few decades, UNLESS WE STEP UP TO THE GODDAMN PLATE AND CHANGE THE FREAKIN' OIL!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Samson, scoff if you will, but four percent of adults have AD/HD. That is four out of every hundred people you know. There is nothing whatsoever to be gained by treating a person with a disorder as though the person has a character flaw. All that does is wipe out what's left of the sufferer's self-esteem and drive a wedge between people. Now, given that as a consequence, isn't it worth it to at least find out whether the behaviour can be attributed to a treatable condition rather than defaulting to blame, anger, and annoyance? Or do you prefer that people hate people? Isn't understanding and compassion a better way for people who ostensibly love each other to behave? I agree that if it's just laziness, he needs to work on himself but it is unfair to leap to the conclusion that it is laziness because there is a possibility that it is something else. In the case of this man, he seems to have a number of the characteristic symptoms of AD/HD. So what would it hurt anyone or anything to find out - because if he does, he can get treatment and understanding and everyone will be happier. Certainly yelling and nagging won't cure AD/HD. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 As usual moimeme, your defensive posture regarding those with ADHD (among the very few that might have it) seems to have obscured the intent of what I posted: A. I never said he couldn't be ADHD, or that it mightn't actually (however improbably) be the root cause of this particular lazy man's behavior. As we all know, most men leap to attention whenever presented with the "honey do list?" B. If the man's lazy behavior should be scrutinized, then other's organized obsessive list making compulsions might also be regarded as having organic root causes that might be alieviated with a happy pill. BTW: I'd guess that at least 20 out of every hundred people I know are too lazy to change their own oil. I'm actually one of them. This is why we have Jiffy Lube! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 among the very few that might have it How many people do you know? Most of us know hundreds of people - at least to say 'hi' to - so you likely know at least a dozen people who have it. your defensive posture regarding those with ADHD It's a highly misunderstood condition and there are not yet nearly enough advocates. Folks are having miserable lives because of being misunderstood, and it's sad to see, so if I leap to their defense, sorry. I'm just tired of people being quick to condemn others without first finding out if the others are doing things maliciously. As our rarely-seen Tony's sig says (I paraphrase) 'Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately attributed to incompetence'. If somebody has a disorder or is just absent-minded, is it helpful to get mad? And I get what you're saying about the list-makers, too. NOTHING is won in a relationship where one person demands things of the other. Nothing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted July 17, 2004 Author Share Posted July 17, 2004 But some people just prefer to hate their partners rather than to find out what's really going on. I am offended at this as I do not hate my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 I'm certain Moi's intent wasn't to offend you. IMHO she's not saying that you hate anyone (concluding you may need to begin wiping his ass for him certainly would be a sign of love). She's addressing the percieved global inclination to believe the much more probable cause of lazy behavior is ...............drumroll...............LAZINESS! rather than the clearly improbable, and in fact highly debatable, ADHD "diagnosis." Link to post Share on other sites
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