Someone please listen...

[jnel921]

Hello All,

 

I was surfing the net and found this site. I really need some advice. I am recently married for the 2nd time with someone who was divorced also. He's a cop so his hours don't allow for us to have full days together. I always let him know how important it is to me especially when we have alone time to do stuff together. He has recently started voicing to me how we really don't have to do this and to pretty much leave him to do whatever he wants. He called me last night to see how soon I would be home from work but as soon as I got there he was sitting in the living room watching a game and took no time to sit with me to talk. Earlier in the day he had been to his command to work out....It was his day off and he spent several hours there and I'm sure he had plenty of conversation over there. I am just really hurt that the communication between us is dissapearing and when I do want to talk it seems like he is bothered and it will escalate to a fight. I have voiced my feelings about this but he will turn it around on me and say I don't allow him to do whatever he wants... Am I crazy but isnt that something single people can say? I am deeply hurt by the exchange of words we had last night. He screamed so loudly I'm sure my neighbors had an earful. I felt so empty last night I took off my wedding rings and left them home. I am at work right now planning my evening so that I don't have to go home. I felt I was ignored last night...so why go home. I'm not sure what's going on with him or this relationship but I cant handle the constant arguing and lack of communication or desire to be with the other person. Please talk to me. Q

[HokeyReligions]

You two need to make definate dates to sit down and talk. If he is brushing off your feelings or twisting things around, then he has some issues that he needs to deal with.

 

It's not unheard of that couples can't get their timing together and are out of sync, but it can be remedied--it just takes some work and dedication from both of you to accomplish this.

 

I think there might be some good information for you at the <removed> website, or some other books or websites that will help you learn to be a better communicator.

 

Make a date with him for talking. Make a date with him for fun. Make sure you both have time in your schedules for alone time too. But you are a couple and you need to work this out together.

 

Good luck.

[Butterfly_Queen]

Sometimes when someone turns the tables on you and makes you feel as something is your fault, then theres something going on with them. Could be that he feels guilty for not spending time with you or something like that, and thats why he feels the need to turn it around on you. You said he screamed loudly when you all were having a conversation, does he normally act that way, or was that something new? Pay close attention to any other things you notice that may be different from how he normally acts.

 

 

Also I agree with Hokey, maybe you should sit down with him when the both of you are at home, and find out whats really going on. Listen to what he has to say, but make sure he listens to you as well. If he were to get loud again, simply tell him you would like to finish talking with him, but you will be glad to continue after he has calmed down. Best of luck.

[jnel921]

Thanks guys,

 

I do want to talk to him. But I find it very difficult. If whatever I am saying sets him off he will end the conversation or start to argue. The screaming is an issue that I feel got to its worst point last night. He will throw things and yell. He doesn't hit me or amything like that but it makes me afraid since he does have 2 guns in the house.

 

I know that the police life isnt easy but I feel I have been very understanding and supportive. This he has voiced to me recently. It's just when I suggest that we do something or spend time together, there is always some resistance. Sometimes I feel like I have to beg for sex. But if he's the one who wants it he will summon me to the bedroom immediately and get angry if I start to lollygag. Even that whole thing is making me not want to submit to him either.

 

I do think he has anger issues. He does get defensive alot. I dont know how to deal with this.

 

Q

[Leikela]

He definitely has something else going on inside him which is evident just by the way he is acting. Since trying to talk to him isn't helping, how about you suggest going to see a marriage counselor?

 

How was your communication before this? How long have you been together?

[Karlise13]

That's tough.

 

One thing my boyfriend and I tried for a while (when our schedules were different and we felt out of sync) is we'd write to each other.

 

It sounds wierd, being that we lived in the same house. But that's how we communicated before we moved in together (we're from different states originally)

 

We started e-mailing each other during the week, with our thoughts and feelings, etc. That way, the other person could sit down and read through it when they felt relaxed and receptive.

 

You have to like to write, though. And read. If that's not your thing, I don't know how helpful that would be.

 

Scheduling 'date' time is important. What if once a week you went out to dinner with the intent to re-connect, discuss (without yelling!) what's going on with the relationship?

 

I would also consider couples' counseling. It sounds like he has some major difficulties with communication.

 

What happened with his first marriage? Does he ever talk about why they broke up? Has he dealt with all that?

Sometimes people carry over baggage from previous relationships.

[FolderWife]

I don't feel I have this problem...any more

 

My husband was like this. I wanted to be together when we got home. He wanted to play vidio games, and watch sports center. I'd sit and watch with him...bored out of my mind. Finally, I started watching TV in the other room. I figured if he could ignore me, I could ignore him. It wasn't the close kind of relationship I wanted with my husband, but it's the hand I was dealt.

 

So I'd come home from work, say hi to him, and go to another room to watch tv. 4 hours later, when it was time for him to go to bed, he'd say goodnight to me, and I'd come to bed with him. Sometimes I'd just go to sleep, and sometimes, I'd rub his back or something...something to fill the void with a form of contact. Eventually, we'd lay awake and talk.

 

I don't HAVE to have a conversation with my husband to feel whole. As long as he's in the house, I'm fine. Pretty soon, I got to where I enjoy, and NEED to be left alone for a couple of hours when I get home. Now, I'm happier if I have time to watch tv or something when I get home.

 

However, he wants me around more. If he turns on a movie that I don't want to watch, I'll go to another room and read a magazine or something. He'll come hunt me up, and ask why I'm in a different room, and I'll just tell him that I don't want to watch that movie. He'll change the movie, or come and sit with me.

 

He comes to me now.

 

Why?

 

Because I don't beg and pleed for his attention. Marriage is the same game as dating! When your boyfriend ignores you, or doesn't call, you find other things to do. He'll start missing you, and come around.

 

Instead of crying, and begging, and arguing, I said fine. Again, I'd come home, and do my own thing. Now, he comes to me.

 

Men are like little kids. If you tell your kid, "let's go!" he'll be like, "Hold on!" If you say, "Ok, bye" he'll say, "I'm coming!!! Wait for me!!!"

 

Just don't argue with him. Go shopping, find a favorite tv program that comes first. If he comes around, let him watch tv with you, or go shopping with you. If he wants to talk, talk if you're in the mood.

 

Don't let him get by with, "how come you complain that we never talk, but when I want to talk, you don't want to talk!" Look at him and say, "Well, I changed to acomodate you. You nevre wanted to talk, so I quit wanting to talk, so don't try to talk to me now!!!" Or, you can just drop everything and talk to him.

 

He will come around.

[jnel921]

karlise13,

 

I took your advice and asked my husband if we could write notes to eeach other everyday. I asked him to e-mail or write it. We used to write each other all the time in the beginning also. He lived upstate and we met thru an online dating service 2 years ago...(Yes they do work!) He said he didnt have a problem with that. We agreed that we'd start tommorow. So, lets see how that goes.

 

His first marriage? He was married for 12 years before he met me. He met his x-wife when he was 20 she was 21. They met at a club, hung out a couple of times and she became pregnant with his child and he was in the service on his way to Germany. he decided to ask her to marry him and take her along with him on his tour. She also had a 5 year old son that was being raised by his father's grandparents so my Husband never raised him. He was in ther service 10 years. During those years she never worked. He decided to leave because he knew that he was going to receive orders to Korea and he knew if he went that he wouldnt be with his family for a few years. she became angry that he would disrupt their lifestyle that she had become accustomed to. So he retired and she decided to join the army. After bootcamp her orders were for Korea! So she leaves and he is alone with their daughter for about 2 years where he is living in TN, working as a corrections officer and trying to make ends meet. While she was abroad she was withdrawing their money and the bills were being unpaid. It got so bad they repossesed their car. During that time a co-worker of my husbands was helping him care for his daughter, she was married too and her husband was in the military also. When her husband had to leave also it was at this time that my husband says a sexual relationship between the both of them happened.

 

When it was time for his x-wife to come back from Korea, she had orders to go to west point, so he decided to pack it all up and leave with her when she came back. He said goodbye to his lover and left to west point with his x-wife. Once she was back it was apparent that both of them went through some consideable changes. He asked her if she was unfaithful and she said no. She asked him the same and he said no. Although he did tell her of the other woman only insisting that she helped him care for their daughter, the x-wife didnt beleive him. Their relationship was not the same. He had a hard time looking for work and he did finally find a job at a warehouse that paid him very well except that the hours were long and the work was brutal.

 

He would come home and just like Monday described...His life was video games and sportcenter. He'd be downstairs and she'd be in the room watching her shows on TV. Watched the movies he liked. They barely spoke ,but the presence of the other person seemed to be enough. They never did anything as a family or would go on vacation. They were always fighting and from what I was told her temper led her to throw everything around in sight. They would never sit down and have dinneras a family. Then she decides to have her son come live with them. At this point he is about 16. My Husband and him did not get along and his x-wife was upset because she felt that he was not trying to be a father or build a relationship with her son. After about a few years of this she told him one day that she no longer loved him and wanted him to leave. He was surprised and hurt. Afterwards he found out that there was someone else at that time but she wouldn't confirm it. Within the week she had filed for a divorce. He moved out and 6 months later she got orders back to TN and thats where she has been since.

 

After we met his life was very different. He no longer wanted to live upstate where he had no one. He had applied for the police exam and taken it. When we met was when he found out he passed. I think it was fate that his career led him to this city and it just so happened to be where I lived. So I did my best to help him make that happen. So he is now very happy with his career.

 

His x-wife was furious when she learned that he moved to the city and became a cop. She said that he hadn't been that motivated when they were together, saying he was too complacent when they were married. Then she said said thats why she had to enlist after he quit.Then afterward was confessing to her daughter how she made the mistake of letting him go. She was sent to iraq last year for a year and that was my opportunity to know his daughter since she would be living with us. During that time we really bonded and she was surprised at her dad's change. She said that they never ate as a family..which I made sure we did whenever we had the chance and made sure that her and I did things together also.

 

I beleive in this...so to be pushed to the side isn't normal for me. I came from a big family so I never felt isolated. I love to talk, write and amongst other things spend real quality time with my family. I also have 2 children from my previous marriage so family is important to me.

 

I probably can do what Monday says and do my own thing...I have and yes he does come around...But I dont like that that is what it takes. He should want to want to be with me. He did in the beginning...so because of his past...I am afraid that the complacency may return and that our relationship will end up the same way as his first marriage.

[meanon]

jnel, the original problem you posed (finding the right balance between time together and time apart) is one that is common in many marriages. It's one that can be resolved as long as there is a willingness to compromise. I am more concerned about the other issues the lack of communication, the level of anger and violence, the use of power to deny or demand sex.

if he's the one who wants it he will summon me to the bedroom immediately and get angry if I start to lollygag. Even that whole thing is making me not want to submit to him either.

This is no way to live, jnel. Insist that your husband gets some professional help for his problems and leave him if he doesn't.

[jnel921]

I agree that the anger is an issue. When I got divorced I went to counseling for 3 years to control my own anger. Yes I am taking all of this very seriously. I am looking into counseling that the police dept offers also. It could very well be the job that is contributing to this. This all really started when he took this job.

 

I even try to make time with him while he is on the job. Sometimes I'll meet him for lunch or swing by his post for a couple of minutes. But at that point he is in police mode and will hardly crack a smile. He says he has no problems with me stopping by but sometimes I cant help but feel unwanted there too.

 

I dont know guys...maybe its me.

[meanon]

What makes you think it's you?

 

There is really no right or wrong answer when it comes to what's reasonable to expect in terms of how much time to spend together and how much to spend apart. What's important is that you get the best balance for you as a couple, one that you are happy with. The quality of the time together also counts. The thing is, even when you are together, you feel unwanted. Within the context of what is happening within your marriage, that's not surprising. The plan to try and get counselling through work is a good one. I hope it works out for you.

[jnel921]

Because of this lack of time I find that I just don't trust him. He is an officer and I find myself feeling jealous of the time he spends with the other officers...especially the female ones. Hanging around for 8 1/2 hours talking about everything under the sun... and when he's home he wont really talk to me.

 

I went by his post today to find him in deep conversation with the person he was partnered with. She is new so he has to train her I guess. but she wasnt ugly either. He put on such a show and made it look like he was really happy to see me. Some of the things I said to him I was surprised he didnt get upset at me over. I truly felt like he was just trying to impress her.

 

Then after a while he said i was impeding on his job and needed to leave. I felt hurt after that. I'm not sure what to say to him when he gets home. I'm sure he wont say much to me.

[Leikela]

I think you're right when you say you might have issues too. You have insecurity and trust issues. Your relationship is definitely rocky if you get jealous over his spending so much time on his job talking to other people. I can kind of relate with you though, as my boyfriend works a similar type of job and at first I didn't handle it well. Our relationship was new and I was insecure. Overtime, I have become a lot more secure with myself and with our relationship and now none of that phases me.

 

You need to evaluate why you feel the way you do. Do you feel insecure about yourself? Do you not feel confident in the way you look? Or, are you getting the gut feeling that he may be engaging in an emotional affair with someone at his job?

 

The fact that he acted so happy to see you and "put on a show" is definitely a red flag. The fact that he doesn't pay you any mind when you're at home but in front of a female co-worker he acts totally out of character, is concerning.

 

Look inside yourself and see what is causing you to feel insecure. If it is merely your own thing, then work on it. If it's your gut talking, then dig deeper into it as something may be going on with your husband and his female co-worker. Our instincts are never wrong.

 

Did you start writing to one another? Is it helping at all? Best of luck to you!