married to my MIL's child and they call him my husband

[noised]

First of all, I want to thank everyone who will read this account of the miserable trap I find myself in and would try to help me make sense of the, quite frankly, hopeless situation.

 

I have been married close to two years now and I am thoroughly confused, disillusioned and helpless. To make matters worse, sometimes I even find myself dwelling in self-doubt, wondering if I am reading too much into it and making it tougher for myself.

 

For a little bit of a background.. I live in New Delhi, India. My own parents are well educated, sophisticated doctors and am a Marketing Manager with an MNC myself. I am married to a Telecom Engrr. and ..this is the worst part..live with my H's parents - yes under the same roof!

 

I am going to try and list the issues/problems that I am facing regularly.

 

1. Since we live with his parents, they are part of every decision making. From deciding where should we go for our holiday, milk is good for our health or not, curtains should be drawn or not etc. AND I am supposed to be ok with all of this, take it in my stride because these are not important things and focus on "bigger" things, such as my H's happiness.

 

2. My H's happiness apparently is derived only from seeing how well I get along with his mother - "help" her with lunches, dinners and other housework. This, when I have always been working and never agreed to be a homemaker, like his own mother.

 

3. When I try to extend any help to the MIL, she a) wouldn't tell me what she wants done, because she still "hasn't made up her mind about it" b) if I do it the way I know it best, she wouldn't say much (because she is after all a very "polite and a harmless" lady) but would clearly indicate her disapproval.

 

4. This she does, clearly, to keep her "queen bee" position intact, since she is the one who has always fed and cleaned after her "only son", so shall it be for as long as she breathes.

 

5. My H has no understanding of saving and no notion of, what we call a burning desire to do better and ambition to try for a better job, so he is economically dependent on his parents. In turn, so am I and that's why we don't live separately.

 

6. Last month, his credit card bills ran into 5-zero figures and he had no idea how or what to do about it. His father discovered and bailed him out. His father's attitude: "With time he'll learn". Pls note he is already 30 years old, married for two.

 

Now for interactions involving me directly:

 

7. When I try to engage/encourage him with some semblance of a conversation about trying to do better, moving to another city if opportunities are better, thinking of opportunities abroad..he would automatically flip over and this would be the standard reply: "You are trying to separate me from my 'old' parents in the hour of their need for the sake of your whims and fancies. You are trying to rip apart our family and manipulate us. What comforts are you short of here that you wish to constantly focus about earning more and leaving the city?"

 

He is clearly, too lazy and too scared to step out of his mother's laps, where he has always had a fall back and no scolding/conditioning/questioning. He will go any extent, blaming me in the stride, for "separating" him from his parents!

 

8. His nature is generally very short-tempered, abusive and violent (though so far he has not hurt me physically, except for throwing and flinging my things onto the floor). It's next to impossible to have a sane conversation about anything serious with him without him flying into a fit of tyrannical temper, screaming about me trying to 'control' his life and threatening to end the marriage. This outburst then obviously upsets his mother (she is always around) and comes back at me that I should know better than this to handle my H and I am responsible for his happiness or unhappiness.

 

9. His "extra-curricular" activities include drinking. Not walking, jogging, any kind of sport, reading, music, etc.. only "drinking" with his "friends" who he tends to pick up by the dozen wherever he goes. Clearly, he is moving in circles which attract only such kind of "talent".

 

10. Reminding him to stay active, eat less junk food, not miss gym days and drink lesser obviously amounts to nagging and is duly repelled from time to time through yelling and threatening matches. Pls note, that he is overweight for his age and height AND diabetes and Hypertension runs in the family.

 

11. Any attempt to alter his ways are met by mindless desperate counter-productive "persuasions" by his dear mother, because she has taken care of him all his life and nobody can know better than her about her own son.

 

12. There is no question of me giving in to the MIL's "suggestion" of having a baby to make my H more responsible (yes there are times, she pretends to understand and be on my side!). I am sorry but that is extreme BS and I am not willing to make it any worse than it already is for me here.

 

13. The son and mother have successfully painted the picture of a wife and daughter-in-law who is selfish and rebellious for anyone's good. You can well imagine the influence, value and worth that I am left with in this house and the happiness or satisfaction for that matter.

 

14. In case you are wondering about the Father-in-law's affairs.. he is too busy with his countless "business" dealings and "friends". The household is at the mercy of the uneducated, un-worldly "queen bee" who hates it for the sunlight of change to find a chink through her fortress.

 

I have a belief that my H might not be that bad a person to make a life with, if we are on a level footing and he has no option but to communicate with me BUT under the continuous influence/protection of the MIL, going on like this is clearly suicidal.

 

I wonder if it makes any sense. And if does to anyone, is there a way-out of this dead-end at all? Because this is not how I had imagined that the dream of a marriage will pan out.

[HokeyReligions]

Whatever the facts of the situation this is your perception and your feelings, which are valid and what you need to address. Rather than second guessing yourself make a plan and follow through. Tell your husband your feelings and your plan and let him decide what to do for himself. Your are not trying to make him choose you or his mother. Have some compromise in your plan.

 

You might have your heart broken by realizing that your vision for marriage is not realistic with your husband. You have to decide what is most important - your husband and family situation as it stands or making a change that will include leaving your husband or forcing him into a situation that is as emotionally painfull for him as this situation is for you. He may or may not adapt and the potential you see now may never materialize. You need to be prepared for that by sticking to your choices or embracing your current lifestyle. IMHO the older your MIL gets the tighter the apron strings may become until they ultimately strangle all life from your marriage. OTOH if forced to step outside his comfort zone and be responsible your husband may blossom.

[Nyla]

It sounds like you look down on your MIL for not being educated. She might be picking up on this.

 

I think that your situation is very common when it comes to South Asian culture. Of course, this doesn't make it any less maddening or unfair.

 

Tell your husband that as his wife, your wishes come first. If he wants to be a little boy, he cannot be married to you since marriage is for mature men who don't cling to their mommies.

 

Find an apartment and tell your husband that if he wants to be an independent adult, he will come with you. If he chooses his parents, you have a decision to make about whether or not you want this dynamic for the rest of your life. I know that divorce and not deferring to in-laws is verboten in your culture, but you have to think about what you want and what you can tolerate.

 

My mother was trying to control my wedding. She relentlessly made rude comments about my ideas and tried to force my husband and I to do things her way. I knew that if I let my mom run our wedding, she would run our whole life. So my husband and I eloped to get away from her negative behavior. It worked like a charm. Now my mother is very careful about not stepping over boundaries. She knows her place.

[bentleychic]

Then you go into your 14 point diatribe about how miserable you are. I skimmed enough to see you don't have any kids in this mess. Don't. Just get out.

 

A nice easy one for a change.

Agreed. Surely you knew much of this about him before you married? NEVER marry with plans/hopes/aspirations to change someone. "They'd be great if only they were different and did X, Y and Z differently. I bet I can get them to change." FALSE! Doesn't happen and if it does, they'll likely resent you for it.

 

Get out now.

[noised]

Thanks a million for putting in these replies. They do give me a lot to think about and consider while weighing my options. Nervis and Bentley, you girls make the most obvious sense. But Nyla is right in saying that divorces don't go too well in our culture and I would not want to take that step until I have made every effort in trying all possibilities. And like Hokey mentions as well, maybe it is time to give it that last shot and see if this is meant to work at all.

 

My own deliberations have led me to this conclusion:

 

Since,

1. my husband is in denial that his mother is sapping the joy out of our marriage because of her interfering/"I will take care of my son forever" attitude

2. he feels that he can not "desert" her and hence, would not work to shift to any other house/city

 

I will (and am) searching and applying for jobs that'll take me to another city.

 

With me gone and physically missing from his life, sense might prevail and make him realize that "as his wife, my wishes come first. If he wants to be a little boy, he cannot be married to me since marriage is for mature men who don't cling to their mommies." He will have no choice (or so I hope) but to realize that I was not happy the way things were and if anything has to go forward they need to change.

 

This just might be the litmus test we need to figure if this marriage is going to survive at all or not. What do you girls think??

[Nyla]

I like your idea. You need to be clear with your husband about why you are moving.

 

Let your husband marry his mother if he wants to put her first.

 

I love the way my husband stands up to his mother when it comes to her inappropriate remarks. He does it politely and respectfully, but he still draws the line and tells his mother to stop the rude comments.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I wish this skit were on a stage in U.S. culture, because then there wouldn't be so many cultural variables not understood by so many of us.

 

Were this in Des Moines, Iowa... we'd almost all tell you to get out as fast as you can and to keep running.

 

And why is the mother-in-law the culprit in any of this? In Des Moines, she would be the savior who afforded you both a place to live. In Des Moines (at least circa 2007) you (the young wife) could hope to land a job somewhere and achieve some amount of independence from the whole messy family.

 

The list of cons and cons, about your husband, serves as further inspiration for you to leave and keep running. There simply is no upside, and there is definitely nothing about him, as listed here, which hints that he could or will be any sort of a decent husband down the line.

 

The idea of raising the stakes on all levels while hoping to force him to be more responsible is an absurd risk with the likes of him.

 

My only uncertainty relates to cultural differences which might require that a woman tolerate some or all of this misery.

[noised]

I don't know how to thank you people enough for the time and thought you all seem to be putting in this miserable drama that's been my life for some time now.

 

Nyla, clear I will make and Nervis, a kick in the gut it is going to be!

 

And dear SincereOnlineGuy, I do thank you for reading through this long (& tiresome) screenplay for the imaginary 'skit' enacted wherever you'd like to see it! Talking of risk, it's already been taken 2 years back. And you are not entirely incorrect in spelling out in my culture the woman is expected to tolerate her husband's antics to a very great extent. But then again, as cliched as it sounds, it is not dark ages here anymore either and it really comes down to each to her own.

 

There is only so much that can be swallowed without choking oneself completely.

 

The MIL is a pro at projecting herself as the savior! Whereas in reality, the woman deliberately crushes every seed of freedom in her son's mind by giving all sorts of 'reasons' why he shouldn't leave home. And as much he is in love with his mother, he has never and will never question her 'logic'. And I agree, living on our own will not exactly be a cakewalk but at least I'd get to live on my own terms with my husband and not with the woman's little boy.

 

Quitting just yet, may not be my solution. Forcing (since not much conversation works with the high-tempered fellow) him to realize that I am not up to continuing to be a hand puppet to his mother and his parents are not who I married, is what needs to be done. Kicking some a** is what needs to be done. If that doesn't work either, then you know what's coming after that and I know that I wouldn't be blaming myself for not trying.

Edited September 4, 2013 by noised

[SincereOnlineGuy]

OK, so the husband had no real say into what family he was born, but the adopted adult who came to live under the parents' roof did so of her own free will.

 

Perhaps it has been the mother-in-law's own horrific personality disorders which have molded the son into the exact child complement to that mother's shortcomings.

 

The mother-in-law's personality was surely created and fostered by her own parents, as has been the husband's personality and now shortcomings.

 

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeey have excuses, each of which is somewhat reasonable, or at the very least, understandable.

 

There is no excuse for your being there given what you describe. We won't even second-guess your initial thought process which resulted in the choices that landed you there. We have to respect where you are, at this moment, and only strive to deal from this point.

 

(point #8 in your initial list is enough on its own to justify your leaving and never looking back)

 

Your husband is at the very least an unreasonable hothead, and the sooner you go Des Moines, Iowa on him, the better your life will be.

 

Helpful hint: "don't pronounce the two S's... or the E's for that matter"

 

 

Say: " D' MOY'n "

[pteromom]

I think you may be approaching your husband in the wrong way. Instead of focusing on your MIL and getting away from her, focus on the fact that you are a wife and you want your own home to create. That you want to build your own nest with him, decorate it, make dinner for him, meet him at the door in lingerie. That your dream of being a wife was about you and your husband living together in a little home of your own, having children, and building your own family.

 

You aren't trying to take him away from his parents. They will still be part of his life. He will just be the head of his own household instead of the child in someone else's.

 

In the end though, if he isn't willing to move into the next phase of his life and be an adult, you can't force him to do it. You have to decide whether you are willing to live like this or not.

[2sure]

Your thread title cracks me up, I love it!

 

Also, you Need to leave him. He is child and always will be. Even if you move out from his parents, he will be dependent on you to supervise him, and it will be a constant fight to do so.

[noised]

The most unfortunate situation one finds herself in is the one where she knows that by all logic she ought to quit, walk away and never look back ..but she still doesn't and wouldn't do it. Probably because she can't. Not just yet. Call me an emotional fool or even a masochist.

 

I don't know what more am I waiting for to happen to convince myself that now I alone can turn around this situation and that too by cutting loose these corrosive ties. Sincere Guy, you are right. Very right, I am afraid.

 

pteromom, these are exactly my dreams, or rather are my rapidly-fading dreams. I have indicated and talked about this in many ways to my H. But now I find myself wondering, if he really does want to move into the next phase at all and take up the responsibility of being the head of a family.

 

2sure ..what can I say, except for that I wish you weren't right.

 

The last hope might be absenting myself from his life for some time, forcing him to face the issues and hope that he will understand why they make me so anxious and unsettled. The last leg is going to be (if it will happen) is to live separately, like a couple (in love as we thought we were) in our "nest" and see if the child is after all capable of metamorphing into a husband.