Her new friend......

[Standing_Firm]

I'll try to be brief and get to the point.......

 

Been separated from the wife since last July. Fast forward to now. Over the last several weeks, the wife and I have had some great conversations, better than what we have had over the last several months. She has indicated that her desire is for us to reunite/reconcile and put the family back together. No problem right??

 

She has had a 'male' friend helping her around the house with man things. Through a slip of the lip from my 11 year old daughter, I was able to drag out of my wife that she sees this individual 2-4 times a week. In my mind, the relationship is no longer that of someone wanting to help her. I told her last night that in order for me to move forward, it is either him or me. She would not answer. She said 'trust me to make the right decision.' So I get to sit on my hands while she dates someone else while she makes up her mind.

 

My gut tells me to cut ties and get on with MY life. Sadly, there are children involved. Feedback would be appreciated.........more info as the thread continues.....

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I don't know.....I skimmed over your previous posts and I am not sure it's a good idea for you to be dating your wife while she is dating someone else.

 

Seems like you are compromising again...didn't you say you were the one to try in the marriage?

 

You are already separated over a year now. Divorce at this point is administrative.

 

My two cents. Go DARK, radio silent...don't talk or be available, wait to see if she comes looking for you. No begging, pleading. You told her what you needed, but her answer was BAD. Your kids seem old enough you can deal with them directly so required contact can be extremely limited.

 

Give yourself a chance to think about having a wife with a boyfriend. If you decide if you can live with it, give her a call. If you decide you can't, then 180, plan b, NC/LC, whatever works and move on. Maybe she will decide she wants you more than the boyfriend and she will reach out to you.

 

Tell your counselor that she wouldn't give up the boyfriend. End the marriage counseling...

[2sunny]

What is her reason to keep you around - and her bf at the same time?

 

Do you make a lot of money?

 

Maybe he doesn't make enough for her taste - and she prefers you to foot the bills for her and her bf.

[Standing_Firm]

I don't know.....I skimmed over your previous posts and I am not sure it's a good idea for you to be dating your wife while she is dating someone else.

 

Seems like you are compromising again...didn't you say you were the one to try in the marriage?

 

You are already separated over a year now. Divorce at this point is administrative.

 

My two cents. Go DARK, radio silent...don't talk or be available, wait to see if she comes looking for you. No begging, pleading. You told her what you needed, but her answer was BAD. Your kids seem old enough you can deal with them directly so required contact can be extremely limited.

 

Give yourself a chance to think about having a wife with a boyfriend. If you decide if you can live with it, give her a call. If you decide you can't, then 180, plan b, NC/LC, whatever works and move on. Maybe she will decide she wants you more than the boyfriend and she will reach out to you.

 

Tell your counselor that she wouldn't give up the boyfriend. End the marriage counseling...

 

Your right. I am compromising. Dang, 23 years is a long time to throw away. Its hard. I have drawn a line in the sand and am not willing to budge. That Is the funny thing......I get the I love yous, hand holding when we are together.....what is she thinking?

 

Time for plan B.......thanks for the response.....

[Standing_Firm]

What is her reason to keep you around - and her bf at the same time?

 

Do you make a lot of money?

 

Maybe he doesn't make enough for her taste - and she prefers you to foot the bills for her and her bf.

 

I am an architect by trade so yes, I do fairly well......

[Mr. Lucky]

He's not her new friend, he's her new friend with benefits. And you're her estranged husband with money.

 

I'd say she's got a pretty nice set-up, no wonder she's hesitant to change the terms.

 

So I get why it works for her. But what could possibly be in this triangle for you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

So she's essentially expecting you to hang around while she continues to see her OM? Pay the way for the two of them?

 

And you wondered years ago who she cold have been focusing on - while she didn't seem to be connecting to you and the marriage.

 

Now you know, she's been interested in someone else. But she's still just interested in you as long as you make her life easier.

 

By not making a decision to end it with her OM (main man) she has made her decision!

 

She wants him - but she also figures you will take her few crumbs she tosses your way and make sure she's comfortable while throwing you crumbs.

 

A gal that wants you and ONLY you - will go to any lengths to make you understand YOU and ONLY you are her first and only priority!

 

She isn't doing all of what she should be doing IF she was into only YOU!

 

She's a cake eater and still a cheat - yet she expects YOU to stay.

 

Wy would she think you would go along with such a small offer? Do you expect so little for yourself that she KNOWS you wold settle for so little?

[Standing_Firm]

So she's essentially expecting you to hang around while she continues to see her OM? Pay the way for the two of them?

 

And you wondered years ago who she cold have been focusing on - while she didn't seem to be connecting to you and the marriage.

 

Now you know, she's been interested in someone else. But she's still just interested in you as long as you make her life easier.

 

By not making a decision to end it with her OM (main man) she has made her decision!

 

She wants him - but she also figures you will take her few crumbs she tosses your way and make sure she's comfortable while throwing you crumbs.

 

A gal that wants you and ONLY you - will go to any lengths to make you understand YOU and ONLY you are her first and only priority!

 

She isn't doing all of what she should be doing IF she was into only YOU!

 

She's a cake eater and still a cheat - yet she expects YOU to stay.

 

Wy would she think you would go along with such a small offer? Do you expect so little for yourself that she KNOWS you wold settle for so little?

 

Great point! You have made my decision that much easier! I want all of her. Not just the part she shows me when we are together. Bottom line, I am doing the things I need to do to hopefully save the marriage.............with no reciorocation though .

 

Thanks for the feedback thus far!!

[2sunny]

How can you be sure she breaks it off with the other guy?

 

What evidence would you need to see?

[aliveagain]

The fact that she is pushing for reuniting the family and it took more than a nanosecond to make her decision not enough proof for you? You are separated for a reason, it didn't work. She is getting shagged 2-4 times a week and is having a hard time deciding to give that up to come back to you. I think she is trying to find a way to keep you both. Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your history. Wouldn't you rather run face first into a brick wall? Why not forget all this foolishness and book a trip to the south of France instead?

[Standing_Firm]

How can you be sure she breaks it off with the other guy?

 

What evidence would you need to see?

 

Honestly, I don't know what that would look like.......not sure I can trust a whole lot right now. Definitely cannot do it just for the kids. That is the wrong reason.....I have needs that have not been met for a long time and was too blind to see it.......

[Standing_Firm]

Update......

 

Had a good, positive afternoon with her yesterday.....maybe things might be turning the corner right? Called my kids last night about an hour and a half after she left. "Hey son"......."hi Dad. Mommies friend is here...........":mad:.

 

I must be incredibly naive.....being played ......had hope. Dang, 23 years is a long time to throw away........

[whichwayisup]

I'll try to be brief and get to the point.......

 

Been separated from the wife since last July. Fast forward to now. Over the last several weeks, the wife and I have had some great conversations, better than what we have had over the last several months. She has indicated that her desire is for us to reunite/reconcile and put the family back together. No problem right??

 

She has had a 'male' friend helping her around the house with man things. Through a slip of the lip from my 11 year old daughter, I was able to drag out of my wife that she sees this individual 2-4 times a week. In my mind, the relationship is no longer that of someone wanting to help her. I told her last night that in order for me to move forward, it is either him or me. She would not answer. She said 'trust me to make the right decision.' So I get to sit on my hands while she dates someone else while she makes up her mind.

 

My gut tells me to cut ties and get on with MY life. Sadly, there are children involved. Feedback would be appreciated.........more info as the thread continues.....

 

Your wife has one foot out the door and is 'trying' things with another guy yet she still has you as her option. Yuck! No more! As painful as it's going to be, tell her you two will always be co parents but as of now - The fixing the marriage is over as long as she has a guy in her life and is going out on dates (and he's been around your child??!! not cool at all). There's no point in trying to reconnect with her while she is dating someone else.

 

Screw that. Tell her you care about her as the mother of your children but you no longer wish to be her husband since she is choosing to let another man close to her, and give you false hope for a future together. that is not nice to do. She's being selfish!

 

Tell her that it's time to lay it all out on the line, either you two fix things and do marriage counseling and she says goodbye to the OM forever, or you might as well end the marriage fairly and respectfully so she can go on with her life, let you go so you can find a woman who will love, care and appreciate you.

[whichwayisup]

Update......

 

Had a good, positive afternoon with her yesterday.....maybe things might be turning the corner right? Called my kids last night about an hour and a half after she left. "Hey son"......."hi Dad. Mommies friend is here...........":mad:.

 

I must be incredibly naive.....being played ......had hope. Dang, 23 years is a long time to throw away........

 

So sorry to hear this.

 

She is playing you selfishly, not maliciously. She isn't thinking of you or what is best for your children..she is thinking of her new found freedom and she wants to do as she pleases, yet with that said still give you enough hope to stick around in case things don't work out with the OM.

 

She cannot have it both ways. Life doesn't work that way. Make decision for her since her actions are showing you how things are.

 

Take care of you now and be the best dad to your kids.

[Standing_Firm]

So sorry to hear this.

 

She is playing you selfishly, not maliciously. She isn't thinking of you or what is best for your children..she is thinking of her new found freedom and she wants to do as she pleases, yet with that said still give you enough hope to stick around in case things don't work out with the OM.

 

She cannot have it both ways. Life doesn't work that way. Make decision for her since her actions are showing you how things are.

 

Take care of you now and be the best dad to your kids.

 

Thanks! Yeah, its tuff. Mistakes have been made on both sides but ALL of the fault has been laid on my shoulders. I am a big guy, but can only carry so much it seems. Thanks again for the feedback. Got some lines to draw in the sand........

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Standing

 

It is time for you to formally move on.

 

Stop dating your wife, file for divorce. Start dating women who are looking for a good man like you.

 

Good luck.

[aliveagain]

She knows your still hanging around even with her boyfriend there, that's giving her the wrong message. Most woman would stop dating if they were serious about reconciliation, that doesn't seem to be the case here. You didn't throw 23 years of marriage away, she did and nothing you can do will fix that because it takes both of you to do that. You can stop this circus anytime you want, all you have to do is get over your own fear. The thing to remember is your not divorcing your children, they are with you for life. You need to make a decision, take her back and share her with other men or take yourself out of this situation and move on.

[Try]

"Hey son"......."hi Dad. Mommies friend is here...........":mad:.

 

I must be incredibly naive.....being played ......had hope. Dang, 23 years is a long time to throw away........

You cannot throw something away that is already gone. The marriage that you had before died a long time ago. Even if you were able to reconcile ®, it would not be the same marriage. You can never get that marraige back. You need to begin living again. You need to look to start building a new and fulfilling relationship with either her or someone else. As long as she has that other man (OM) in her life, you have no chance at at a real relationship with her. If she is not interested, I am sure that there is someone out there that is.

 

When my brother finally ended a long and painful divorce process, he was pleasantly surprised at how much better the dating market is for men as they get older verses when they are in their 20s. It turns out that a middle aged man that makes a good living is in hot demand. He never had to look for women to date as they came out of the woodwork finding him, often they were referred by family and friends.

 

You keep saying that you are drawing a line in the sand, but it does not appear that you know what that means. When you draw a line in the sand and it is crossed, you need to follow through with filing for divorce and moving on. File and do not look back. Ironically, when she finally believes that she has lost you, she will for the first time decide what she wants. Even of tries to get you back, you need to not even consider giving another chance unless she earns that chance with real effort and remorse. The odds are is that she is just using you because she has already decided on the other man, but there is still a small chance that she will wake up and want to make the effort to get you back. Small a chance as it is, it is still your best chance.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks! Yeah, its tuff. Mistakes have been made on both sides but ALL of the fault has been laid on my shoulders. I am a big guy, but can only carry so much it seems. Thanks again for the feedback. Got some lines to draw in the sand........

 

Anytime!

 

She isn't going to admit her downfall and mistakes, it's much easier for her to put it all on you and make you out to be the bad guy. Just shows what a fog she's in and how unremorseful she truly is. You can't shoulder HER reactions and HER choices. That's ALL on her! Whether she admits it or not, deep down she knows.

 

Yes you do and be strong about it. Live for you and your kids.

[2sunny]

As long as she blames you for HER bad behavior - you've got nothing to work with.

[oldshirt]

You cannot throw something away that is already gone. The marriage that you had before died a long time ago. Even if you were able to reconcile ®, it would not be the same marriage. You can never get that marraige back. You need to begin living again. You need to look to start building a new and fulfilling relationship with either her or someone else. As long as she has that other man (OM) in her life, you have no chance at at a real relationship with her. If she is not interested, I am sure that there is someone out there that is.

 

 

this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

"It is easier to give birth than it is to resurrect the dead."

- Athol Kay

 

 

You are trying to live in the past and conjure up what once was but no longer is. Even if she dumps the BF and moves back in with you at this point do you really think you will have a happy and healthy and functional marriage? Do you really think either of you will be satisfied with it or is it likely each of you will just be going through the motions and deep down will be dissatisfied and looking outwards and wishing you were living a different life anyway?

[Try]

"It is easier to give birth than it is to resurrect the dead."

- Athol Kay

Great quote and so appropriate for the OP.

[bubbaganoosh]

My advice is to get out and focus on yourself and your kids. Be the best at both and get on with your new life. At least you won't have to be wondering if today she wants an R and tomorrow she doesn't. Then the next day the same thing. You wasting your life living like that. She's having it both ways and honestly, to her, life is good. Why should she change her lifestyle if it's all right there. Maybe when you hit her with divorce papers, the handy man might not be so handy after all. Then when she's really to reconcile you can tell her, sorry too late. You had your chance and blew it.

[aliveagain]

You can have a much better and more rewarding life than this. Why are you letting it be her decision? Choose a path start walking, it's up to her to catch up to you. Be honest, the life you had wasn't working out too well for you was it? Quit giving her all the control.

[Standing_Firm]

You can have a much better and more rewarding life than this. Why are you letting it be her decision? Choose a path start walking, it's up to her to catch up to you. Be honest, the life you had wasn't working out too well for you was it? Quit giving her all the control.

 

That is what is kind of commical in all of this. She seems to think that it is 'all' her decision. The wheels are in motion!! Thanks all for the feedback and advice! It is greatly appreciated!