I need advice regarding my husband and porn

[jmd28]

I was sexually molested from when I was 8 until I was about 12, and part of what I remember of that time was my molestor first looking at dirty magazines or porn videos right before he would "come after me." I'm older now and married, but I think because of what happened to me then, I am really insecure and offended by porn and stuff of that nature. I enjoy sex, (although he says I don't want it enough and I have no kind of sex drive) and I'm open to try new things, but porn is not something I'm OK with. I went many years not ever thinking about or remembering my past, but the porn issue is just something that sparks unpleasant memories.

 

When I first moved in with my husband (boyfriend at the time) he had several porn magazines that he kept in the restroom sitting right on top of the toilet for easy access. I never really said anything to him about those because I figured he get rid of them once I moved in, but of course that thought never crossed his mind!!! So I let him know that they made me feel uncomfortable, but I didn't tell him why.

 

Shortly thereafter, we moved to another apartment and he threw them away. So when I asked him where they were he said he didn't need that kind of stuff and he wants me to feel comfortable around him. That made me feel a lot better for a while, and we never really talked about it after that. Then one day out of the blue ( we had been together maybe 9 months or a little longer) I unintentionally caught him with a porn magazine that featured young girls called "Barley Legal." I was upset that he had it, disgusted by the nature of the magazine, and just hurt that this kind of thing turned him on.

 

I let him know that it hurt me that he couldn't just tell me, but even worse that he had to hide it from me. I made him feel really guilty and I made him feel somewhat like a pervert for looking at that kind of stuff. His resolution was that he did not need that kind of stuff and he promised me that it would never happen again... well be it to my dismay, it did.

 

At that time we were just dating, now we are married and have been together for 2 years and it happened again. To make a long story short, I came home from work early one morning (he works nights) and when I got home, things just didn't seem to add up, both locks on the door were locked, the kitchen blinds were closed, the TV remotes were not where I had left them, and the DVD mode was on when I turned on the TV. All this was not how I left the house just one hour earlier. I sort of put two and two together and wouldn't you know the first place I looked was where he was hiding a hardcore not so attractive to watch porn. Again this happened. Again he went out of his way to keep his stash hidden from me, again he couldn't just be honest with me. Again he hurt me. Only this time he knew what he was doing would hurt me because of before, yet he still chose to do it again hoping this time he wouldn't get caught. And now I'm really deeply hurt.

 

I yelled at him the first day, but the next day when I was calm, I sat down and had a conversation with him about why he couldn't be honest with me. He again ended up saying he doesn't need that stuff and he'll stop, but I told him right then and there that he had lost a little bit of trust from me and that I didn't believe him. I know in my heart that this will happen repeatedly, and I will repeatedly get hurt. We decided that he would stay away from it until I was comfortable enough to have it in the house.

 

Because I don't know that I will ever be comfortable with it, I didn't think that was a fair solution. So I decided that maybe I wouldn't feel so offended if he was looking at nude pictures of me instead of the magazines. So I took a couple of obviously unexperienced pictures of myself just by the look, which he was grateful for, but he looked at them once and hasn't seen them since. I took it upon myself to buy him a Playboy magazine since pictures of me didn't seem to be what turns him on. Only now that I did that and I know it's here, I feel awkward again. I'm upset, confused, insecure, hurt, and all of the above. I can't pretend that I am happy with him because deep down, I'm disgusted with him. I don't know how to keep him happy and keep me happy at the same time. Something's gotta give, but I know it in my heart, that it will not be the porn. What should I do? I feel like the only resolution is to get over it, but all this porn stuff is just a constant reminder of my past and I cannot get over it or through it with porn in front of me or that he's going to do it behind my back on my conscience. I've since come clean about my past to him but I don't think he'll ever fully understands the effect his interest in porn is having on me.

[einahpets]

i am going through the same thing with my boyfriend right now. constant lies about porn, i have a post about it back in march. it is accepted as normal for men to constantly look at porn. but it is effecting your relationship and he still refuses to quit. either he has a porn addiction or he is a complete ass who is not worthy of you. may i suggest going to therapy together: it may help him understand why he feels the need to look at porn when he knows it hurts you, and you with your past. whatever happens, i wish you the best of luck!

[misty123]

Let me just say I couldnt imagine my husband doing that. Does he know what happend to you? does he truely understand what happend and how it affected you? you definatly need to see a counseler. I know you feel uncomfortable as do I wiith porn, but maybe you could watch it by yourself and then if it tickles your fancy introduce him into it? I kinda except my hubbys porn issues but they still make me uncomfortable. I hope you can work this out.