Is my husband gay? Bi?

[dfsg4]

I have caught my husband masturbating to she-male (his exact search words) porn pictures several times now. This last time, he was specifically interested in the "big dicks" category of a she-male porn website. I found that he is literally zooming in on a penis picture and getting off to it. We have only been married two years, and for quite a while now (maybe the past year) he is hardly interested in having sex; he says he is tired, or this or that. We have sex sometimes only 3 times in a month. I've tried talking with him, coming on to him more, trying to be more appealing, etc. but nothing helps. I've also tried talking about his porn preferences (she-males), and he freaks out when I voice my concerns about how he doesn't seem to be turned on by me anymore, but instead by penises (because that is literally what he zooms in on when he looks at the she-male pictures - not boobs, etc.). Obviously talking with him isn't working, and he isn't able to or willing to stop, and I'm at a loss as to what to do. If our sex life was great, I wouldn't be nearly as worried. But the fact that he seems utterly uninterested in me has me concerned.

[oldshirt]

He is straight.

 

Your issues here are the porn itself and not his orientation.

 

Shemales and transvetites and transformers and stuff are strictly a straight male fetish.

 

Gay guys dig dudes. they like guys with six packs and muscles and masculine features. The don't like guys with boobs and painted nails, make up and female hair.

 

Bi guys like dudes in addition to chicks.

 

Guys that like people that are essentially women that have dicks are almost exclusively heterosexual men that have a fetish for such things.

 

You issue here isn't that he is gay or bi, it is that he is more into porn than into his flesh and blood wife. He isn't homosexual or bisexual, he is likely addicted to the porn itself and his involvement with porn is what is causing his dysfunction in the marriage.

 

In other words this is a porn issue and not a sexual orientation issue. He is straight but he is a straight man with a porn problem.

[janedoe67]

I am sorry you are going through this, OP. I can relate somewhat with my own situation, though not exactly.

 

When I had questions, I asked my brother who actually IS gay and has a long term partner. His comment was that straight guys don't get off to penises or seeks them out. But, the only way to know for sure is to try to get your hubby to open up because none of us are inside his head.

 

I'll say this though, regardless of his orientation or possible confusion he is doing you and the marriage a disservice by not meeting your needs.

[CarrieT]

Ugh. Sounds as though the OP is what is known as a 'beard.' That's when a gay guy marries a woman to fool the public (and maybe even himself) into thinking he's heterosexual.

Sort of.

 

A 'beard' is a woman who poses as a date or potential love interest (or even a wife) for a gay man to protect his public image. Usually both the man and the woman know what their respective "public roles" are but not always. A good example of an unwitting beard is New Jersey ex-governor James McGreevey's wife. From all outward appearances, they were a happily married couple but he was using her as a 'beard' to pass for non-gay.

 

I was married to a man who turned out to be gay - I was not a willing "beard," but his attempt at a straight life. A fine line in the definition, I think, but one that should be made.

 

OP, what OldShirt said. Shemale porn is geared towards straight men, not gay men. The fact that your husband looks at the penises could be a matter of him projecting his own desires onto the Shemale, not necessarily that he wants a penis himself.

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

I have caught my husband masturbating to she-male (his exact search words) porn pictures several times now. This last time, he was specifically interested in the "big dicks" category of a she-male porn website. I found that he is literally zooming in on a penis picture and getting off to it. We have only been married two years, and for quite a while now (maybe the past year) he is hardly interested in having sex; he says he is tired, or this or that. We have sex sometimes only 3 times in a month. I've tried talking with him, coming on to him more, trying to be more appealing, etc. but nothing helps. I've also tried talking about his porn preferences (she-males), and he freaks out when I voice my concerns about how he doesn't seem to be turned on by me anymore, but instead by penises (because that is literally what he zooms in on when he looks at the she-male pictures - not boobs, etc.). Obviously talking with him isn't working, and he isn't able to or willing to stop, and I'm at a loss as to what to do. If our sex life was great, I wouldn't be nearly as worried. But the fact that he seems utterly uninterested in me has me concerned.

 

Well, gay or just likes women with penises. He could be just looking at dudes, but he's looking at shemales or transsexuals, so it's likely he's not just into guys.

[oldshirt]

I have never heard the term "beard" before but have known a few couples that have met that description.

 

In those cases the husbands were always taking the wife out shopping for clothes and accessories and were always decorating up the house and were wonderful, doting fathers who were out shopping for designer baby clothes for the kids (terrible stereotyping here I know, but true nonetheless) .....and then were blowing guys in the park or had long term boyfriends on the side.

 

Again, gay guys dig dudes.

 

This is a fetish and a porn issue. Substitute the words 'she-male porn' with 'foot fetish porn' or 'latex porn' or 'BD/SM porn' etc and you are right back to square one.

 

This is a guy with a nasty case of a porn fetish and possibly porn addiction. Not a homo or bisexual.

[oldshirt]

 

When I had questions, I asked my brother who actually IS gay and has a long term partner. His comment was that straight guys don't get off to penises or seeks them out.

 

.

 

Accurate to a point but not entirely true.

 

Straight guys do not seek out sexual contact with men (newsflash of the century there LOL)

 

However straight guys ARE aroused by the sight of erect and ejaculating penises in porn.

 

penises are often the showcase of porn. yes there are naked sexy women in porn that men enjoy a lot but it is the erect and ejaculating penis that gets the final close up.

 

The OP hasn't said anything about her husband actually seeking out or having any kind of contact with other men. just watching shemales in porn.

 

Again, this is a porn issue and a fetish issue and not a sexual orientation issue.

[janedoe67]

I still recommend you have very open talks with your h. Because the only person who truly knows what is in your h's head is him.

[dfsg4]

Thank you everyone for your replies...you all have given me a lot to think about. I suppose my fear that he is gay stems from the fact that he seems focused on the male part of the pictures, not the parts that would make it feminine. It seems to me that if he was struggling with being gay, he might not be ready to search exclusively for males. I keep wondering if I'm trying to fill a void that I cannot fill (because I am a woman). But I am hoping this is not the case, so the alternative would be as some of you have said, that he has some sort of porn addiction. Either way, it seems we need to seek out some professional help.

[stillafool]

I agree you need help. I personally would much rather my man fantasize about vaginas and breasts than erect penises. My uncle was a closet gay who never showed any feminine tendencies whatsoever but was having sex with men behind my aunt's back. Just be careful.

[CarrieT]

I suppose my fear that he is gay stems from the fact that he seems focused on the male part of the pictures, not the parts that would make it feminine.

Again, if he were having gay fantasies, he wouldn't be looking at ShePorn, he would be looking at more Gay Porn which is far more prevalent.

 

Example - there a lot of heterosexual women that look at porn and look at the woman because they are projecting themselves into the woman's place; not because they have secret yearnings towards the woman.

 

You are projecting a woman's sensibility into what your husband is watching because that is how YOU, as a woman, operate. Men are far different and I don't believe he is gay, but simply projecting HIMSELF into the scene with an emphasis on looking at the penis with a sense of envy and/or putting himself in that scene.

 

But, again, you need to learn to be able to talk about it openly without either of you getting defensive. In truth, you will never be "woman enough" for him if he has fetish fantasies. You might be WIFE ENOUGH if you two can learn to talk about your innermost fantasies openly without retribution.

[janedoe67]

One thing I hoe you guard your mind and heart against is the idea that you are "broken" somehow just because you do not like or understand this. For better or for worse, when he said "I Do" to you...YOU became the one he needs to focus on sexually. You not being okay with shemale porn does NOT make you broken, frigid, repressed, or anything else. It makes you YOU. And if it hurts you for him to watch all this, take care of himself, and NOT take care of you, then he needs to KNOCK IT OFF. I do think it is good for you to both be able to talk about this safely and openly, but there is nothing wrong with you NOT wanting your hubby to do this, especially since he does not seem to be attentive to YOUR needs.

[oldshirt]

 

OP's husband is absolutely gay or at the least bi-sexual with a strong craving for men.

 

Negative Ghost Rider. If he was gay/bi he would be into gay/bi porn and be cruising Craigslist to meet up with dudes in the park to swap quick blow jobs and hand jobs.

 

His craving is for she-male porn. This is a porn problem not a sexual orientation issue or sexual identity issue.

[oldshirt]

 

Example - there a lot of heterosexual women that look at porn and look at the woman because they are projecting themselves into the woman's place; not because they have secret yearnings towards the woman.

 

You are projecting a woman's sensibility into what your husband is watching because that is how YOU, as a woman, operate. Men are far different and I don't believe he is gay, but simply projecting HIMSELF into the scene with an emphasis on looking at the penis with a sense of envy and/or putting himself in that scene.

 

.

 

That is a real good way to put that. Very accurate.

[oldshirt]

Either way, it seems we need to seek out some professional help.

 

YES. CORRECT.

 

I dont want to imply that there is not a problem here or that it is OK. There IS a problem here and one that may require professional assistance.

 

I am simply suggesting that the problem is a porn and fetish issue and not one of sexual orientation.

[janedoe67]

I fully understand that we live in a big village where all types of people are welcome with open arms. And I fully understand that zooming in on the erect penis's of shemales may point to something other than gay or bi. But...

 

 

 

 

 

...he is definitely not your average straight guy. Again, nothing wrong with that except he decieved his wife into marrying him under false pretenses.

 

This is not a porn issue. This is not (necessarily) a gay issue. This is an issue of your husband deceiving you then not working with you on the problem. You need to get tough with him. You cannot rug sweep this. You two need to see if you can fix it, and if he's not willing, you walk. He lied to you and deceived you.

 

Ignore the posters that tell you you need to be gentle with him. That he is under durress while he figures out his sexuality. Gay's and Bi's get a pass on these relationship sites, probably because they are an oppressed minority and everybody wants to seem cool with it. Don't get tough with him for who he is. Not even necessarily for lying about it (we still live in a homophobic society). But if he keeps brushing it off, you go nuclear. This is your mrriage, your life. Not somebody's social experiment.

 

This ^

 

Bottom line, when he married you, certain things about the needs he would meet and the orientation he professes to have and the place he SHOULD be going (his wife) for his sexual fulfillment were part of the deal.

 

My brother is gay, and he is a dear dear man who has been with his partner for a decade. That said, when he was a freshman in college and realized he could not ignore who he was, he BROKE UP with his longtime girlfriend. He didn't marry her. I have empathy for someone who feels afraid to be open about their sexuality. I feel NO empathy for someone who deals with that fear by dragging an unsuspecting victim into their confusion.

[CarrieT]

*Edit: Correct me I am wrong olshirt but didn't you post somewhere recently about having a several year period in your marriage where you were swinging, doing threesomes, foursomes, etc.???

I think that was me, although Olshirt might also be as experienced.

 

Lots of guys who get into that sort of thing have bisexual tendencies. Not too many 100% hetero guys have any enthusiasm for accidentally or intentionally "crossing swords" with another guy during an orgy, as must have happened time and again during your swinging days.

Have you ever been in that position - with two, three or four guys?

 

I have and can attest to the fact that many of them have no care about "crossing swords" when there is a woman in the scene.

[GorillaTheater]

My conclusion is that you yourself are a deeply-closeted str8 or bi-sexual male who probably enjoys tranny porn too, but your self-image is all "John Wayne" and you are in total denial of who you really are.

 

My conclusion is that you must have some wicked long arms to reach that far.

[Southern Cal Dude]

If he likes having sex with guys, he's gay(or bi at a minimum). If he doesn't, he's straight. Frankly, I'd be looking into whether he's meeting up with guys for sex. That would answer any questions.

[T3h L337 d00d]

He may be gay or something. He also may just have a very serious pornography problem. If he is straight and looking at porn all the time that would explain why he doesn't want to have sex with you too.

[oldshirt]

Mr Spock, I have never said that he couldnt possibly be gay/bi. I said the issues taking place were porn issues an that he had a fetish for shemale porn.

 

is there a 'possibility' he is?? Sure, that guys thats out washing his '69 Mustang in the drive way wayof his surburban house with fhe white picket fence and his wife and kids every Sat could be gay/bi too.

 

Whats at issue here though is he is spending all his time and energy spanking to shemale porn and not tending to his wifes needs and is not connecting with her. If he was spending his time and energy spanking to hetero porn, lesbian porn, BD/SM porn, foot fetish porn etc, etc the end result would be the same.

 

The problem that is taking place in their marriage is his preoccupation with porn and neglecting her needs. The fact that it is shemale porn is likley a redhearing making homophobes jump to the conclusion he might be gay.

 

Is there a chance he is a closeted gay that is shortcutting his way into the gay lifestyle by digging shemale porn??? I suppose anything is possible, but shemale porn and shemale protitutes etc are almost exclusively the objects of interest of heterosexual males.

 

Gay dudes dig other dudes. Bi dudes dig chicks and dudes. The people that are fascinated and titiilated by shemales, trannies etc are typically guys that self-identify as heterosexual, are generally attracted to women and otherwise lead heterosexual lives.

 

The concern that posed by the OP here was the question of is her husband gay and is the problems in her marriage because her husbands orientation.

 

None of us here can know that for sure but it is likely that he is not gay per se but rather has a porn problem and that porn problem is manifesting itself through a fetish for shemale porn.

[dfsg4]

Well, this sure has turned into an interesting discussion...

 

I was able to have a conversation with my husband about the porn. After several shut-downs, I think I made a little progress as to maybe understanding where he was coming from. I asked him the obvious question of whether or not he thinks about being with men (sexually and/or not sexually). He said no, which didn't surprise me. I wasn't expecting some "moment" where he was ready to admit he is gay/bi. He said he looks at that type of porn because it is "different". While I can semi-understand that, I just can't fully grasp it. It's like if I were to simply look at a picture of a woman's vagina and get off to it. That would sure as hell make me wonder about my sexuality.

 

The fact that he's looking at porn instead of having sex with me is another issue that we discussed, to which he agreed he shouldn't be and said "it's just easier". I get that. That I can work with. But if he is indeed questioning his sexuality, no matter how much work I put into our relationship, I won't be able to change him. I guess we'll have to see what a therapist says, because him saying he isn't gay/bi doesn't cut it anymore, and he obviously needs help stopping the porn habit.

 

As for the people saying I should be more concerned about him seeking out physical sex, or if he's not seeking it out, I don't need to be worried - that doesn't really make sense to me. Obviously if that were happening, I would have my answers already. I haven't seen any sign that he is doing that. But that doesn't mean this couldn't be a start to something. For example, I tend to think that in most cases, when a man or woman cheats on SO, it doesn't just happen; before the cheating is the flirting, the distance in the marriage, the lack of sexual desire, etc. I'd prefer to tackle the red flags here-and-now instead of waiting for it to (possibly) get to the point where he seeks out sex with someone else.

[oldshirt]

Because you say so.

 

 

*Edit: Correct me I am wrong olshirt but didn't you post somewhere recently about having a several year period in your marriage where you were swinging, doing threesomes, foursomes, etc.??? Lots of guys who get into that sort of thing have bisexual tendencies. Not too many 100% hetero guys have any enthusiasm for accidentally or intentionally "crossing swords" with another guy during an orgy, as must have happened time and again during your swinging days. Str8 up.

 

I have been in several dozen group sex/orgy scenarios, some with as many as 30-40 people and never once have I ever seen any intentional male-male sexual contact. Are there bisexuals in the swinging lifestyle? Of course there is, just like it is anywhere else but what makes people bi,gay or straight is who they are attracted to and who they want to be with.

 

And as CarrieT pointed out, if there is a sexy, willing female available, guys arent going to give other guysa second look. Even most actual and comfortable bisexual men wouldnt give another guy a second look if there was an available female there.

[janedoe67]

making homophobes jump to the conclusion he might be gay.

 

Interesting leap. I am definitely not a homophobe, and it gave me pause.

 

I doubt the OP is a homophobe. She likely just wants a husband who desires HER. I can relate.

[oldshirt]

 

The fact that he's looking at porn instead of having sex with me is another issue that we discussed, to which he agreed he shouldn't be and said "it's just easier".

 

That is probably as honest and as accurate as he is going to be able to get at the moment.

 

That is what can make porn very harmful to a relationship, and that is because porn IS easier. You don't have to court porn. You don't have to take it to dinner and listen to it's problems. You don't have to buy it a house or give it children. You don't have to relate to it or care about it. You don't have to make a lot of money for it or fix things around it's house. You don't have to romance it or rub it's feet.

 

All you have to do with porn is click a button and then let it stimulate and arouse you.

 

Porn is the lazy man's love life.

 

That's what makes porn so insidious and dangerous to a relationship. With porn a person (man or woman) can get it's basic needs met without putting in any effort or doing any heavy lifting.

 

Real life women need heavy lifting no matter how open and accommodating and willing they think they might be. When a man keeps his own tank empty he has no need to relate to, romance, seduce or cherish his partner.

 

This is a problem. A bigger problem is it may take more than simply saying he isn't going to do it anymore and pulling himself away from the computer for a few nights. He may need professional intervention if this is a true porn addiction. It may take professional intervention for him to realize the harm he is causing his marriage. It may take a professional to make him understand the hurt he is causing his spouse. And it may take a professional to get him to step away from the shemales and become stimulated and aroused by his flesh and blood wife again.

Edited July 24, 2013 by oldshirt