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My wife left... is there hope?

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Old 11th June 2004, 9:42 AM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2004
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My wife left... is there hope?

Hello all, I've been reading some of the posts on here and decided to put mine up here to get some direct feedback.

My wife and I have been married for 1 year. I'm 28 and she's 23. We dated for 2 years before that and engaged for 1 and married for 1. She recently moved out of our house 3 weeks ago b/c she said that she needed some space to think about some things.

There was no infidelity at all between the both of us, but I did find out that one of her classmates (she's a senior in college) did kiss her. while she says she didn't kiss him back... she says she has feelings for this guy. they've gone to lunch a couple of times but that's about it. We went to 1 session w/ a marrital counselor and she told us that it was prolly wise for us to do some sort of seperation for a bit. She said my wife is struggling with some lost identity issues.

According to my wife I was neglecting her, not showing affection, and taking her for granted for about 5 months now and this thing w/ the guy just finally blew her over the top. since we've been seperated i've been a miserable wreck. i never saw this coming. i called and emailed and basically just kept smothering her to get her back when i knew i shouldn't b/c of the seperation thing. She finally got fed up w/ all of our friends calling to see if she's ok and w/ the pressure from both sets of parents she made a decision to move on w/ the divorce!!! after 2 weeks??? seems kinda fast. Well, i came home one day and found all of her clothes missing... it was at that point i decided to just stop trying and let her go.

Well since then, she's been calling me or emailing me everyday just to see how i'm doing and to say that she was sorry for everything. she's thinking about me. It's sooo confusing b/c one moment we're talking about how much we love each other and how good our memories were, and the next she's saying I love you, but I'm not inlove with you. can anyone plz enlighten me on what the hell is going on? she says she's thinking about moving into an apmt. but nothing has come up yet. she's been staying w/ a girlfriend and while she says she's not in love w/ me, she doesn't persue the divorce. almost like she's testing me and trying to convince herself that she's not in love w/ me to make the seperation easier for her. plz respond. and thanks for reading!
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Old 11th June 2004, 10:48 AM   #2
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I would say not to smother her. She's trying to find herself in the here and now and also trying to decide what she feels like the rest of her life ought to be. You've heard it said that distance makes the heart grow fonder. This is true.

I typed up a post about the seperation my Wife and I went through, and I even said in it that it was probably the best thing that could happen to us at that point and time. We realized that we were meant for and to stay together and raise a family. We haven't been apart since. We still have our agruements from time to time but we learned that we need to work together and solve our problems, not ignore them.

You need to show her more affection apparently, not smother her. I know that's confusing, but since she's not there at the house with you, send her some flowers or a card. Also, she's still in School and she won't really, "find" herself until that's all over and done with. So stand by her and the decisions she's about to make 110% even though you may not agree with her.

Give her some time and see how it goes......

Good Luck!!

"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
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Old 11th June 2004, 11:22 AM   #3
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I started going through this a week ago. And from what I've learnt, Just like Moose told me, is not to smother her. I knew I had to show her how much I cared, and that I wouldn't give up on her, and I ended up asking to much of her, and smothering her. And when I would give her too much, she would get cold towards me, and I would just end up feeling rejected and crushed inside.

You want to give her the world, which you weren't giving her before, and now you can't give it to her because she's not ready for it! For me, I realized my mistakes that led to all of this mess I'm in. I wasn't being enough of a friend to her, and she sought that elsewhere. Sound Familiar beck7ham?

She needs to know you care, and you still want her, but if you smother her, she will almost certainly run... which isn't what you want. It's such a fine line to walk... not to much, not to little.

Good luck!
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Old 11th June 2004, 5:47 PM   #4
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How did you guys decide that you wanted to work on it again? My wife is staying at a friends house and paying rent there in the guest bedroom. She's saying that she wants to move out to an apartment b/c she's got to do some things that she missed out on... she's not into the party stage or anything, and has told me that she is not wanting to go out w/ anyone...

not even me, but then she calls me at night and tells me that she's sorry for everything she's done to me. she txt msgs me on my cell phone to see if I'm ok... it's like she's not doing the seperation but then blames it on me. what the hell? i don't want to send flowers or cards b/c then she says I'm persuing her romantically and she said she's not inlove w/ me but then acts kinda strange like she is in love w/ me. sigh... women.

She tells my parents that we have not made a decision yet, but she tells me she's not in love w/ me. have you guys ever heard of light her fire / light his fire? just wondering. i want to start working on the marriage but it's like it's too soon for her. today i caught her snooping thru my emails. don't know what she's looking for. maybe she's checking to see if i'm really moving on w/ my life.
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Old 11th June 2004, 8:32 PM   #5
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Check out <URL removed> . They have some good advice and forums there.
"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal illness"

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Old 11th June 2004, 10:26 PM   #6
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Sounds like she doesnt know what she wants. Give her space and time to decide one way or another. If its no, then divorce her and get on with your life
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