Is my marriage over or am I over thinking things?

[123JJ]

Well, first time posting, but a long time dealing with my concerns.

 

Some background,

 

13 years ago I met my wife and we fell hard for each other. Everything was mutual for the first year....then the passion became divided. We moved in together after 3 months, bought a house after 1.5 years, and have been living together ever since. First month we did not have sex, then the next two it was daily, and fun. After we moved in together it began to diminish, then after our 1st anniversary it went downhill fast. She was the second person I ever had sex with, however she was sexually active for the previous 5 years by the time we got together.

 

Shortly before our 1st anniversary she developed a soft-tissue shoulder injury which after a botched surgery became a permanent disability (nerve impingement causing chronic pain and reduced mobility).

 

From the start I was always premature, yet we worked on it, and so I made sure to please her orally (which I found very enjoyable) often the point of orgasm before penetration. For the first 6 months she would also go down on me, and then the has only done so once in the past 12 years. As well she became less enthused we me going down on her to the point of pushing me away, despite knowing that it was a big help with my premature issues.

 

In trying to improve my performance I asked her to help me by having some non-intercourse sex, which she refused and for the past 6 years has only touched my penis once or twice, and only when I have placed her hand there. She has said in the past that me problem is a big turn-off for her.

 

To make matters worse she has only initiated sex once in the past 8 years, and the only time we have sex is if I initiate, and if I do not initiate we will not have sex. For the past long while I would wait for her to initiate (which would not happen) then about 6 weeks (on average) I could not wait any longer and would 'cave' in to my feelings. The past year it became 8 weeks, and now it has been over 12 weeks since we last had sex. But it is more than just lack of sex, we have not kissed for months, the only hugging or cuddling we do is when I initiate (again none for past 12 weeks). I feel as if we are just friends and that she would be able to go on forever without any contact.

 

Whenever we would talk about it in the past she would say that she has no desire to have sex (which is understandable due to the pain and medications). And that I fully understand as I have a medical background and know her condition. I have always owned her problem, attending every Dr visit and being with her through various courses of treatments. As well I have removed all burdens from daily life as possible. She no longer works and we are financially secure. I do all the shopping, 90%of the house work (cooking cleaning and laundry) and all of the house maintenance. I work 2 jobs, 1 of which is a home based job, and I rarely (once every 3months) go out with my friends, which has caused me to become very removed from most of them.

 

I have always found her very attractive and sexy (which I reminder her of this most every day), yet I do not feel that she finds me attractive, and based on her complete lack of touch me I do not think she is turned on at all by me. She never compliments me, and my job requires I wear nice clothes and keep up my appearance.

 

At this point she refuses to talk about it as "that is all I every talk about", and 9 months ago I changed it from "why don't you want to have sex with me" to "I miss our intimacy and need to know you want me again". She has not addressed my concerns, nor did she try and change anything.

 

I can't help but think I am now just her care-giver and friend, and she needs me but no longer wants me. As such I am also concerned that I may be staying with her because she is unable to perform most basic daily functions (washing her hair, buying groceries, even getting dressed is painful for her). And I do still love her, yet I can't turn off my desire to be intimate with her.

 

To make matters worse I have always had low self esteem (which she knows about and was very helpful in the beginning with getting me to like myself), and have co-dependancy issues. On top of that I am not comfortable talking with anyone about my problems, and she was always the one person I could talk to.

 

She has strong feelings about counselling (does not agree with it) and will not go to marriage counselling, and I am concerned that if I went to counselling I would have to hide that from her.

 

I am not sure if it is just me making a big deal about this, or if it is time for me to move on and be happy again.

 

Thanks for reading, just writing this out has helped.

 

-123JJ.

[123JJ]

You need to get divorced. There is no love or intimacy in your marriage.

 

I have thought about that many times.

However there are extenuating circumstances, not only the chronic pain but also the side effects of the medications she must take make this not so cut and dry. I still love her, I still care deeply for her, yet I am struggling with my feelings and sexual needs. Had she been the same person physically this would be a much easier decision.

 

I committed to being with her in sickness and in health.

 

If you suddenly became disabled and you no longer had sexual desire and were in constant pain would it be ok for your SO to leave you?

 

That is the struggle I am having.

 

Thanks for reading this though,

 

-123JJ.

[kamani]

Painful situation. Don't know what to say.

 

I think you already know the reason for your wife's almost zero desire. Even changing clothes is painful for her, no need to mention sex. I completely understand you, you love her and can't make up your mind to divorce your terminally ill wife.

 

Have you told her that you are fighting with your sexual needs? If you haven't tell it to her in a very gentle way and see what her reacton is. I understand, she is in severe pain. Will she sound like 'It's your business, not mine'? My respect to you for not cheating on your helpless wife so long.