Finances and marriage

[Clep]

My husband will not deal with finances in any way. I have asked multiple times for us to figure it out together. He always says he will but does not follow through.

 

All of the utilities and credit cards are in my name. I also run two businesses from home so leaving him with the finances to figure it out is not an option. Should the electricity get cut off or something my business suffers and I can't have that. I also require internet for one business and if I don't have it, I have no business.

 

I can do it all myself but of course am not pleased with that at all. He is not a big spender or anything. I do find though that when we need things and we are not in sync of what is going on financially together overspending happens. Unless I am asking for receipts and delegating what he can spend, and on what, I don't have a clue as to what is going on. We have separate accounts, but he has all the login info for my accounts. That was set up way back when he was going to start doing it with me but that phased out and my account information remained on file. I cannot log into his bank account as I don't have the info even though I have asked for it on numerous occasions.

 

He has very poor credit and has no interest in figuring that out. We cannot purchase a house together with his credit the way it is. I have to purchase it alone. He has credit cards off my accounts which I am seriously considering removing from him.

 

I feel resentful that financially I feel like his mommy. Other than this huge issue for me, our relationship is great and committed. We have touched on this in marriage and personal counselling. He has some other personal things he needs to work out so finances have been put on the back burner in the sessions for now. I am very frustrated with the situation until the time comes for us to deal with it in the psychologists office.

 

Anyone else been through this and how did you work it out?

[Clep]

I deal with that now. My husband is financially illiterate. I handle absolutely everything and he doesn't even try.

 

So how do we work it out? Well don't think I'm being nasty here, but I really don't care. We both contribute in our own ways. So what if I manage the bill paying? Big deal. I don't mow the yard or deal with home repairs, ever. Never even comes up as a possibility. Why? Because he's better at it so he does it. I'm better with the money.

 

If the relationship is great, I'm curious why the counseling?

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but is it really killing you that he doesn't log in and pay the cable bill? If so, why? Seems more like it's your issue than his. If he's contributing to the overall workload, why is this such a crisis?

 

So you and your husband don't have a joint idea of what retirement will look like and how to get there? The two of you don't have any goals financially or priorities of where your money will go? That is kind of strange to me. I don't care who actually logs in to pay the bill as long as we know who is doing it. I do care that we both are involved in the health of our financial future.

 

Our relationship used to be terrible so the counselling is for preventative maintenance. Also he has some issues to work through so he goes for that.

 

I didn't write that he contributes to the overall workload. Am I happy with him....yes. Am I happy with a few character flaws...no. They just happen to be flaws that contribute to the financial issues.

 

I do have an issue being my husband's mommy. I'm not so sure that I would be willing to accept hearing that my husband isn't good at something so he doesn't even try. To me being an adult means being accountable for ourselves. There is no way I would leave my husband with something he was asking for support with because I felt like it. I don't see that as a partnership. I see that as a burden for him, and one he didn't want alone or he wouldn't have asked for the support in the first place.

 

To me, one aspect of a strong marriage is sitting down and deciding together each person's role and having each person follow through with theirs.

[Mr. Lucky]

To me, one aspect of a strong marriage is sitting down and deciding together each person's role and having each person follow through with theirs.

Except, in this case, you seem to be deciding what he should be doing ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

My wife is not good with bills and debts. Until recently, she did not have her own credit cards or store credit cards, which was for the best. So I manage and pay the bills.

 

Other than the mortgage, our names are not on any shared accounts. Her money is hers and mine is mine.

 

Basically we set up a spreadsheet of all the regular common bills, mortgage, phone, internet, cable, electric, gas, car payments, insurances, and other basics that are (more or less) regular occurring amounts. For simplification sake lets say the average bills estimate is ....$10,000 a month (its not that! but I am just using an easy number).

 

Next I take how much we make together (say $100,000 - again made up number). Lets say make 60,000 a year and she makes 40,000 a year (again made up). So you see I make 60% of the house hold income and she makes 40%. So these percentages are also fare for each of us to PAY.

 

Therefore, she gives me a check at the end of each month for 40 percent of our base common bills. So 40% times 10,000 = 4000 each month. I put that check in my account - and then pay all the base bills.

 

We negotiate or adjust to any unknowns or unusual that come up - car repairs, house repairs, major appliance purchases - using the ratio of what each of us brings in - in our case 60/40. Example "hey the car needs $1000 in repairs, I need a extra check from you for $400 bucks, can you swing it next month? I will take the car in when you can"

 

Beyond each of us paying our fair share of the base bills, or new things, she is free to spend her money she has as she wishes... and I also. Our credit cards are not joint ...and each of us can spend as we wish and deal with that.

 

Its not a perfect system - and we do argue sometimes, but it's simple from her side since she has issues with bills, and works most of the year.

Edited March 27, 2013 by dichotomy

[carhill]

What is your husband good at?

 

How long have you been married? A quick scan shows some dating threads back in 2009 so I'm presuming not long.

 

IMO, this dynamic is one broached and resolved prior to being married. If styles are incompatible, marriage does not occur.

 

When was the last time you viewed his credit report? I ask because debts/collections/judgments occurring during marriage are generally the responsibility of the marriage, meaning both partners.

 

No easy answers here. You're 43 though, so a lot of life experience to draw upon. Good luck.

[Clep]

Except, in this case, you seem to be deciding what he should be doing ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We sat down and decided together what our roles would be. When it comes to finances, he has not followed through with what he expressed.

[Clep]

My wife is not good with bills and debts. Until recently, she did not have her own credit cards or store credit cards, which was for the best. So I manage and pay the bills.

 

Other than the mortgage, our names are not on any shared accounts. Her money is hers and mine is mine.

 

Basically we set up a spreadsheet of all the regular common bills, mortgage, phone, internet, cable, electric, gas, car payments, insurances, and other basics that are (more or less) regular occurring amounts. For simplification sake lets say the average bills estimate is ....$10,000 a month (its not that! but I am just using an easy number).

 

Next I take how much we make together (say $100,000 - again made up number). Lets say make 60,000 a year and she makes 40,000 a year (again made up). So you see I make 60% of the house hold income and she makes 40%. So these percentages are also fare for each of us to PAY.

 

Therefore, she gives me a check at the end of each month for 40 percent of our base common bills. So 40% times 10,000 = 4000 each month. I put that check in my account - and then pay all the base bills.

 

We negotiate or adjust to any unknowns or unusual that come up - car repairs, house repairs, major appliance purchases - using the ratio of what each of us brings in - in our case 60/40. Example "hey the car needs $1000 in repairs, I need a extra check from you for $400 bucks, can you swing it next month? I will take the car in when you can"

 

Beyond each of us paying our fair share of the base bills, or new things, she is free to spend her money she has as she wishes... and I also. Our credit cards are not joint ...and each of us can spend as we wish and deal with that.

 

Its not a perfect system - and we do argue sometimes, but it's simple from her side since she has issues with bills, and works most of the year.

 

We used to have it set up like this. He didn't have the money at the end of the month to pay his portion, so that didn't work out at all. I do favor this type of setup, or any type that get's the bills paid with minimal issues.

[Clep]

I never said we didn't have a 'joint idea' of what retirement will look like. I said I handle the finances. We've talked about what we'd like, and I work to get us there.

 

On the bolded part - it sounds like you're always going to be unhappy. Marriage is a partnership. Too me that doesn't mean every little thing needs to be divied up. I'm not my husband's mommy because I handle the finances, and he isn't my father because he fixes the plumbing.

 

I don't know why you view each partner contributing what they are good at to a relationship as a negative. To me it's one of the perks. I get plumbing work done and he gets the finances done. We are both happy.

 

You, on the other hand, aren't happy and you won't be until your husband is forced into something he isn't good and and has no interest in, at which point he'll be unhappy.

 

What kind of support are you asking for? It's finances - it doesn't take that much effort really. Make a plan and stick to it. Why all the hostility? What am I missing here?

 

Make a plan - decide how much you want to save and spend each month. Put the savings part in an account that will help you achieve your financial goals. Put the rest in the checking account. Give your H his spending amount and take yours. The end.

 

What is so hard about that?

 

Before we got married things worked out quite nicely. I handled the finances he did other things. We decided to make a move to another province and set a goal. He also decided to start up a business. He took money from the household to start it, uses some of the money from the household when he wants to and other times doesn't use any. It makes it very hard for me to budget and stick to a budget when I never know what is in the account or how much will be in there at any given time. We have made the plan you speak of. He just doesn't follow it now. In order for me to ensure our plan stays on track, I would have to remove the credit cards from him and all access to my bank accounts. We don't have a joint account, and based upon what I have seen over the past five months, I am not about to get one.

[Clep]

What is your husband good at?

 

How long have you been married? A quick scan shows some dating threads back in 2009 so I'm presuming not long.

 

IMO, this dynamic is one broached and resolved prior to being married. If styles are incompatible, marriage does not occur.

 

When was the last time you viewed his credit report? I ask because debts/collections/judgments occurring during marriage are generally the responsibility of the marriage, meaning both partners.

 

No easy answers here. You're 43 though, so a lot of life experience to draw upon. Good luck.

 

He is good at working with his hands such as mechanical, electronics, computers, woodworking and fixing pretty much anything around our house. The problem is that he has a huge issue with procrastination which is one thing he is dealing with in the psychologists office. I will ask him if he will do something and it will be left, at times for a year or more.

 

I agree completely with this issue being resolved before marriage. We didn't have any major issues with this before marriage. It has been in the past five months that it has become an issue. Really since he started his business.

 

I am aware of his credit report and he is aware of mine. I think he cares about his credit, but is procrastinating that too. I realize he is working on it in the psychologists office, but it seems to be getting worse, not better. I am trying to be patient with it but am losing patience quickly. I have had numerous things bounce out of my account as he will pay for things with my account not knowing I have left money in there for a bill. Then I have to fix it up and pay the nsf fees. There is no excuse for that with the amount of money we make. I have let him know not to spend out of the account if he doesn't know what the money is in there for. He does anyways.

 

I was hopeful someone had some ideas besides removing his access from my credit cards and accounts. I really don't want to go that route if I can come up with another idea.

[hotgurl]

He is good at working with his hands such as mechanical, electronics, computers, woodworking and fixing pretty much anything around our house. The problem is that he has a huge issue with procrastination which is one thing he is dealing with in the psychologists office. I will ask him if he will do something and it will be left, at times for a year or more.

 

I agree completely with this issue being resolved before marriage. We didn't have any major issues with this before marriage. It has been in the past five months that it has become an issue. Really since he started his business.

 

I am aware of his credit report and he is aware of mine. I think he cares about his credit, but is procrastinating that too. I realize he is working on it in the psychologists office, but it seems to be getting worse, not better. I am trying to be patient with it but am losing patience quickly. I have had numerous things bounce out of my account as he will pay for things with my account not knowing I have left money in there for a bill. Then I have to fix it up and pay the nsf fees. There is no excuse for that with the amount of money we make. I have let him know not to spend out of the account if he doesn't know what the money is in there for. He does anyways.

 

I was hopeful someone had some ideas besides removing his access from my credit cards and accounts. I really don't want to go that route if I can come up with another idea.

 

I think he shouldn't have access to your account. I would have any account just for bill sin your name and figure out what needs to go in there on a weekly basis. And every pay day have him put it in or check out getting it direct deposited from his paycheck. Than the left over if for him to psned however.