knightstemplar Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 This is my first posting, I have been reading others and it has helped me tremendously. Now I need to ask for help becuase I'am so confused. I have been married 10 years and have 2 children, we moved to the USA from Canada due to a new job and in search of the American Dream, we made it happen and I make a very good living, so I thought! All this does not add up to a hill of beans. I'am so unhappy and as I look back feel that I got married for all the right reasons with the wrong women for me. She is a wonderful provider and women with a heart of gold, but she has anger issues that are inconceivable to me and others. She has hit me, spat on me, and kicked me in front of the kids after all that I had her arrested! I would and could not hit back, I can't its a double standard, I would lose everything and I dont have the make up to do that even though I have wanted too, just to restrain her. I have been to hell and back with her in every way possible. I ask myself why am I still with her. her Father has these same issues and has served jail time due domestic abuse. Even the kids get the brunt of her anger. Sh told my daughter that if she does not get an "A" on her test then don't bother coming home, the locks will be changed. I cant deal with that talk to an 8 year old. When she helps with homework my daughter always cries do to the yelling from her mother "dont you get it" "your 6 year old brother does" on and on she go's. I'am not allowed to help with homework, shes says I wont do it right. I dont think I even loved her when I proposed to her I felt pushed into it. On my honeymoon I knew I did not Love her. I said to myself I took a vow and I will love her. Over the years I probably did not love her as she deserved but I always felt bulled over, "cant do this cant do that", and she always embarrassed me in front of family and freinds. The respect and freedom I gave her was never returned, and I turned into a Zombie. I filed for divorce and did not follow threw on it, and now I'm home and the tension in the house is so thick, it has to be hurting the kids. She wants me so badly to be her husband but I an't let her back in for many reasons. Physical and mental abuse, lack of my love, and lack of respect. Have I cheated her, myself, and my kids all this time. I'am very depressed, confused and want to be happy. I need some comments and reactions, good or bad! I have no one I can talk to out here since all my family is in Canada. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Knightstemplar, I am sorry for what you are going through. I could lie and say marital counseling might help, but from what I've read of your situation, the fact that you do not love your wife, her abusive behavior, and the horrible tensions your children are experiencing, I would advise you to get a divorce. It sounds like you have primarily stayed with her for the childrens' sake and lack of self esteem. You and your children don't deserve this mental and physical abuse. You can make a better life for yourself and your kids. Staying in a loveless marriage with continued abuse can cause a lot of emotional damage to your children. If I did advise counseling, I would suggest it for both you and the children. Contact a lawyer privately and ask him if there is any way you could get custody of your children. If your wife is as abusive as she sounds, she does not deserve to be the custodial parent. Notify the lawyer of any legal action or arrests you have made against your wife due to her domestic violence. Please keep posting here, there are a lot of very supportive people. There are a lot of great people at LS who can give you far better advice on this situation than I. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Ditto morrigan. Call a lawyer right now and start the divorce. Keep this thread as a kind of journal of your feelings too--it may be helpful for you and for your lawyer. Please do not beat yourself up over the last 10 years. You have to think about the future and what you can do for yourself and your children and be a role model for them. You want your kids to learn from their past mistakes, but not to dwell on them and to move forward. I'm sure there must have been some good things in the marriage and some love somewhere at sometime. Love is worth fighting for and worth tolerating some behaviors for, but NOT when it is abuse--either mental or physical and it sounds like you and your children have endured both. You are not responsible for your wife's behavior. You are responsible for your own health and safety and for your childrens. Do what you need to do now for their & your future. Don't worry about the past. Some counseling may help your children to deal with this and their school counselor may be a good place to start. It is going to be painful for a while -- but remember that happiness is ahead on the other side of the pain. Talk to your family in Canada -- they have phones there! You need family support too. Link to post Share on other sites
Greta Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Please don't feel that you have to stay in this relationship because of a vow you took, that you felt bullied into in the first place. This is a very bad situation for you & your children to be in. I agree with morrigan, you should contact a lawyer immediately. You have many things in your favor as far as being awarded custody of your children. If you've stayed for 10 years for the sake of keeping the family together, please consider what you are teaching your children about this type of behavior. It is NOT okay, whether the abuser is a man or a woman. You said your wife's father was abusive as well - I hope you will take it upon yourself (with the help of your family) to break this cycle of abuse for your children. It will not be easy, but you will be glad you did. I also think you & your kids would benefit from some counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Knight, I grew up in the environment that you described. Does she drink? It sounds to me like she's and abusive alcoholic. If she doesn't drink than it's a deeper problem that needs dealt with proffesionally. As a child growing up this kind of environment was very damaging to me. I don't have the ability to stick up for myself, low self esteem, and I can't bring myself to discipline my children the way they need sometime, ( I can't spank, it brings back too many memories ). Knight, this is something that will damage your children permanatley!!! You need to get them away from that ASAP. I am not saying give up on the marriage, I'm saying to take a stand and become the leader you are meant to be and put her back into the place she needs to be in. Refuse to put up with the insults, the screaming and degrading of the children.......DO NOT LET HER TAKE CONTROL!!!! You are the head of the household and you need to take it back. Kick her out if you have to!!! But whatever you do....this is damaging to your children,....for life!!! Take it from someone who knows first hand...if you love your kids and it sounds like you do...do not allow the abuse to continue......PLEASE Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Oh my, she is severely abusive. What she's doing to your children is horrible. What she is doing to you is also horrible, but obviously the children will fare much worse. Sounds like it's the typical abuse cycle - her father abused her, now she abuses. It seems too severe for there to be any kind of short term fix. I could not live with that, nor would I be able to allow my children to live with it. I would see divorce as the only alternative. The problem would be making sure you get custody of the kids. I'm sure there's no guarantee that that will happen. You need to talk to a lawyer and start accumulating a case for yourself so you can extract yourself and children from the severe abuse. If you leave them in that situation, they may end up hating you for being the "sane" one and who allowed them to be hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Originally posted by morrigan There are a lot of great people at LS who can give you far better advice on this situation than I. I don't know morrigna - your advice seems pretty sound to me and I agree with you that reconciliation sounds near to impossible. Knightstemplar, you say that you want to be happy - staying in this relationship is not going to allow you to achieve that. But first and foremost in this should be the welfare of your children. It will be almost impossible for them to grow up to become well adjusted adults if they remain in the present situation for much longer. Do you want them to grow up with serious self-esteem issues? Do you want them to grown up to become abusers? Abusers of their own children, partners, drugs, alcohol? If, as I suspect, you answer NO then your wife needs to change her behaviour or you need to get them out of that house and away from her. Clearly your wife is this way because of her father, whom you say has been jailed for domestic violence in the past. DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF THAT SOMEHOW YOUR CHILDREN WILL ESCAPE THE SAME FUTURE. Can you ensure that you will have custody? This is where you need to become calculating - get a lawyer, begin logging events, always telephone the police when she becomes physically abusive. You may find that it is necessary for you to remain longer simply to get enough evidence to ensure that you are granted full custody. We all know that the courts, in the vast majority of cases, will favour the mother. However, in this country (the UK), attitudes towards fathers from Family Courts is changing - hopefully attitudes are changing in the US also. There are groups out there that can help you - seek them out, they could be a mine of information and advice. I'm aware of a father's group in the UK set up to support fathers who are fighting for visitation rights. Though not exactly where you would fit, groups like this will have members who have gone through similar experiences. For what it's worth there is a website http://fatherhood.about.com/ from there you can find links to various other sites and organisations. For instance, Operation Sunlight is a fathers advocacy group in Pennsylvania. Ideas about custody issues, links to other organizations and encouragement for fathers in crisis are offered at this site. I found them after one search - so a little time and I'm sure you'll find plenty more - maybe even something local to you. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 I agree with all the advice so far. There are so many marriages where the couple stay together for the sake of the children. In this case, however, you are miserable and the children are going to grow up damaged and lacking in confidence and self esteem. Far better for them to have one good parent than to have all your love negated by this woman. I have seen the end result of this kind of upbringing way too often. It is essential to those kids that you get custody. Seek legal advice before you let her know you're doing anything. That way you can find out what evidence you need to amass to make sure they live with you. Be as devious as you like - in this case the end justifies the means. You can't change the past - don't dwell on it. Start planning for the future. The very best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 I agree, you can't have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, cause then you're pissing all over today....but just to brighten this up a bit, my own sister lost custody of her girls her in the USA for the very same behavior. There is hope, get evidence and present it to your lawyer, if that's what it's going to take. I would rather see that she gets help and that the marriage could be mended, but sometime you have to do for others, ( Children ), before you can think about her or yourself..... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Originally posted by Moose I agree, you can't have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, cause then you're pissing all over today......... What a GREAT quote!!!! Can I use it on here as my personal quote??? It says it all. Knight, You got great advice on here. You really have no choice but be a man and a Dad and pull your kids out of that situation. She will not get the help she needs by you enabling her to continue at the expense of yourself and the kids. You are not hurting her by leaving....you are forcing her to get some help. Good Luck in whatever course of action you take. Please keep posting and stay in touch. You aren't alone.....people DO care! Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Arabess, Be my guest, but I want my handle on your quote, ( I'm jealous of Dave....hehe ). Link to post Share on other sites
Author knightstemplar Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 I have read your responses to my postings and I'am very thankful to all of you for taking the time to respond back. The information and insight has shown me that I'am not alone. I feel much better reading all postings because I now what i have to do but can't seem to get my head around it. I have had such a hard time focusing on anything. I have so many issues that i cant even begin to bring up here it would take up 20 pages. I would like to at least now explain why it has been so hard for me to leave and then you all can chime in with your feelings on it.....like whether or not I'm making excuses or scared and maybe even being selfish. I will need back surgery/ Cant sell my house due to toxic soil that the city and builder dumped/ wife cant work no green card/ My job at this time cant relocate me back to Canada/ No family / and I've lost all our mutual friends which were really here friends that she made because I gave her the ability to be a stay at home. She has waged a smear campaign on me to ensure I don't have anyone to talk too/ she could flee to Canada with my kids/ and of course an impending decision to divorce/ Financially can't afford to move out. These issues make it very hard for me to act, due to these reasons I came back after moving out for 3 months. Please keep this in mind i don't think I will ever have peace,,,,, she stole my keys and made up a key to my apartment and was entering the apartment when i was not there. How does one work through these issues without getting depressed or feeling like his world is crumbling down around him. I don't think I feel sorry for my self but I know that i cant deal with all this. I cant focus on anything and need some positive feedback on how to tackle these issue's in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Knight, It sounds like you're at the bottom of your barrell. The good news is, there's a bottom. You can't get farther down if you tried, ( well you could but...) , anyway, there are a lot of programs offered throught the USA government that will help you out. First, get a restraining order on your wife. If she's within a certain amount of distance of you or your children she will be arrested. Second, sounds like you qualify for disability insurance, or social security, ( Depending on how long you've worked in the U.S. ) Third, you don't need friends anymore, you have us, ( just kidding ), but if your friends are swayed by lies from your wife and this campaign of hers, they weren't your friends to begin with. Fourth, Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can change what happens now and worry about the results tomorrow. You deserve to be happy and you have a duty to protect those kids. I don't know what else to tell you except this too shall pass. You and your children deserve happiness and you can have it, you may have a little bit of guilt in your mind for letting your wife go and divorcing her, but it's for your kids and your happiness..... Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Oh lordie, you do have some problems, don't you. I can understand why you've not made a move before - must feel insurmountable at times. Sounds like the wife is a prime manipulator too. Thing is, you know what you have to do - now you just need to figure out how. Make a list of all the things that stand in the way of you and your goal then try and tackle them individually. Trying to work it out with them all spinning round in your head is just frustrating. Do you have any system of Legal Aid in the US? It sounds like you could use legal advice for more than just the custody issues. I'm afraid, not being native to USA or Canada, that I'm not particularly helpful with the practical specifics (Sorry - I guess that's what you need more than anything now). What I can say is that poverty and hardship never damaged a kid like an abusive mother. Your kids will thank you for your courage. And no, I don't think you're making excuses or being selfish. Scared? Probably - I would be. Link to post Share on other sites
Greta Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 Originally posted by Moose Knight, First, get a restraining order on your wife. If she's within a certain amount of distance of you or your children she will be arrested. You'll need to see an attorney about this, while your at it - see about filing for a separation/divorce. Second, sounds like you qualify for disability insurance, or social security, ( Depending on how long you've worked in the U.S. ) Quite possibly - contact your local Social Security office for info. Third, you don't need friends anymore, you have us, ( just kidding ), but if your friends are swayed by lies from your wife and this campaign of hers, they weren't your friends to begin with. Do you attend church? If so, confide in your pastor, he/she may have other ideas for local help you could get. If you & your kids don't attend church - START!! Fourth, Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can change what happens now and worry about the results tomorrow. You deserve to be happy and you have a duty to protect those kids. I don't know what else to tell you except this too shall pass. You and your children deserve happiness and you can have it, you may have a little bit of guilt in your mind for letting your wife go and divorcing her, but it's for your kids and your happiness..... I agree, this too shall pass. If your not financially able to move out with the kids, the restraining order should put your wife out of the house that your currently living in (which your already managing on your own as your wife can't work). You can do this - but it will take time, patience, and a lot of prayer. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 knightstemplar....i love that book. i agree with everyone else. get the kids into counseling so they can talk freely about moms behavior. you may also need the therapist assesment of how the kid are affected by moms behavior, this will be a value to the judge in the custody hearing. break the code ...........of this behavior, and give those kids some peace and sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author knightstemplar Posted April 14, 2004 Author Share Posted April 14, 2004 I felt so much better yesterday after all the LS postings. I spoke to my parents and best friend in the afternoon and they put my head on straight. I put together a plan and was going to execute! THEN LAST NIGHT! she is crying and pouring her heart out to me, she loves me so much cant live without you,showing me pictures, of good times. And this really gets to me I cant handle it and it actually pushes me farther away. I get so upset when this happens becuase "call me crazy" I do have feelings for her, I'am after all a human being. She also wanted to make love last night and i told her no I cant and she came kept coming after me, crying, stating her love, she said what MAN doesn't want this I gave in I chose to give into her heartache and gave up my inner self worth! GODDAMIT!!! why am I so week. what are the emotions and feelings I will go through! when I decide to proceed. Im so close but yet so far!!! SPENCER, great book I was reading it last night and was interrupted!! a little humour in my life goes a long way!! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 Knight, I know it's hard man, but listen to me, if she's sincere than she will seek help. Did you ask her if she's willing to get help? Did you get a chance to stick up for yourself and your kids? Did you let her know everything that was and is still bothering you about the way she acts on a daily basis? No offense to the women here on the forum, but...some women play men like a harp, they can cry at the drop of a hat, they will say and do anything to manipulate men, they are the best damn actors in the world. There is really no way to be sure if she's sincere unless you actually see her seeking help. For the sake of your children, get her help, or get her out. I'm sorry for being so blunt, but women will play any card they can, ( Crying, Sex, Showing remorse, ect....), to get what they're after. I'm not saying that they are all that way, but I'm willing to bet that 99% of them will agree with me when I say that women can get anything they want using these skills. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 You're not weak - you are only human - you said so yourself. I would imagine that the emotions that you're going to go through if you decide to proceed are going to be pretty intense and not very pleasant. I would think that it's going to get worse before it can get start getting better. Not an attractive prospect but change never comes easy, especially the kind you're proposing. Be strong - if you decide to stay you'll have to make the best of it. If you decide to go you should not be dissauded. Hasn't she done this to you in the past? Been all lovey and sucky when she thought you were going to leave her? I would call that emotional blackmail and you shuoldn't allow yourself to be a victim of it. I realise that that is much easier to say than live through - but prepare yourself and keep thinking of your children. Obviously I don't know either one of you but it wouldn't surprise to learn that she has started to threaten suicide if you leave. How would you handle that one? Like I said earlier I think it will only get worse before it can get better and you should anticipate that and be prepared yourself for it as much as is possible. Would it help to start writing things down - keep a journal or diary that you know can be secreted from her. Write down the pro's and con's re: staying or leaving. If you decide to leave write yourself a statement as to why that is your decision and memorise it. When she starts her emotional blackmail on you tune her out and recite that statement to yourself in your mind. Keep your eye on the prize. Link to post Share on other sites
Juggs Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 I had a friend who was in an abusive marriage. Her husband tried to kill her the last time... The thing that really woke her up and solidified her resolve to leave was this... Staying in a relationship like that will teach your children that is what a marriage is.... It's teaching them that abuse is OK. That idea itself was enough to give her the strength to leave. Know that you are in my thoughts and I hope things work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
TazmaGurl Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 what a tuffy. Heres my view. I was a abused child myself. My father is Bipolar and extremely angry and extremely physical. As a child, espessially in my teens I started to get his "hard head" and anger... I started to fight back. We have gone through yelling fits, physical all out fights, and I pulled a knife on him once, telling him if he gets closer to me that i would stab him, so I could get away. I ended up running past him while my mom held him back, out into the freezing cold montreal snow with no socks or shoes on, wearing pyjamas. and I stayed out there for about an hour, finally coming back, I sat on the van outside for another hour. When I snuck back in, we took a drive to the police station where he said we were finally going to disown me from the family. It never happened. After his spats of anger it only took a few hours to calm him down and then we'd act like it never happened in the morning. But it was all too apparent in my head and in my life. I have since been diagnosed with the Bipolar disorder myself, and I remember everything he was and everything he done. I remember sitting on my bed at night, crying, saying to myself "this has got to be the worse night of my life.". I think I said that about 10 times until it was true. And I attempted to commit suicide. I swallowed 5 handful of Aspirin pills. At 16 years old, of course, I freaked out and called a friend, trying to numb my emotions because the pain was overwhelming. She hung up the phone on me at one point. And then her parents called back, I don't remember hearing the phone ring, or hearing my parents pick it up I just remember my dad bursting into my room screaming at me... it went on for about 30 minutes before I was brought to the hospital. Anyway, that story for another day perhaps... The point I was trying to make, is that I had it fairly bad myself as a youngin... and I find it has made and shaped me into what I am today. I have his anger in me, it seems its genetic... as with the Bipolar disorder. But after I snap, I go straight to my husband and apologize for my actions, dreading that I will be like him one day and hoping before that day arrives (where I will hurt my husband like my father hurt me) that I will be helped -- or not around. I have considered anger management, I don't really think I am at that point. But I do tell my husband to stand up to me and tell me what I am doing every time I get angry... he tells me I am making a mountain out of a mole hill and laughs. I respect and love my husband very much and if he ever came to me with this sort of problem I would take everything he has to say very seriously, and I would do as he recommends (pills, anger management, counseling, whatever he says!) But... he doesn't talk to me. Please before you divorce, find out if the same things are going through her head. Does she notice this flaw in her personality? does she notice that she is hurting her kids? Does she apologize? Would she get help if you tried? Even people with Anger disabilitys are worth loving. Find out if her anger is a personality flaw or a problem that can be fixed with anger management and pills. This can be a easy way to save your marriage, your kids and your sanity. Its sad that I only now love my father. very much. because I have wide open eyes to his problem, and he has gotten help and is so much better now. But he hasn't got much longer to live, with diabetes, a chance of cancer and a bad heart. Anyway, best of luck Tazmagurl Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Tazma, We have a very familiar past and is something that I've been meaning to adress. I know we are trying to help Knight, so I'm started a new Thread under parenting about the abuse I suffered when I was young and how I dealt with it. I'm not meaning to have others feel sorry for me, I'm just going to lay it out and see if it doesn't help someone.....if you ever need anyone to talk to about it, let me know..... AgentD Link to post Share on other sites
TazmaGurl Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Much apprechiated Moose... I'm not a parent, and don't ever plan to be -- I just add in my thoughts from the kids point of view most of the time, to help parents see possibly what their kids may be thinking. Since I'm fairly young and remember what it was like growing up all too clearly =) Thanks for the offer, same goes if anyone needs to talk. But for now its best left bottled up inside. To deal with after I deal with my Depression. I hope we hear some feedback from knight.. I'd like to know what happened. Tazmagurl Link to post Share on other sites
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