My husband is making me feel guilty for not wanting a baby yet?

[AshleyG]

My husband and i got married last year after being together for 7yrs. We both work full time jobs, Early this week i went for an interview at another (major) hair salon and they called me back and asked if i would be interested in the job as the second Artistic Director of their salon which is a dream job for me and im very excited about but when i told my husband about this he got a little peeved off as this means i would be working longer hours than i am now and he has been wanting to start a family for a really long time now but i just haven't felt ready yet and im at a point in my career that im really enjoying, I love being independent and i've worked very hard to get where i am now, I've been a stylist since i finished school and im finally being noticed to go higher in the field. He is a firefighter and with us both working long hours we mostly only get one full day per week together oe days its just late evenings or early morning, Other days he works full days/nights, Im gone all day or he is home long before i get home that night and my day off is usually when he is working a day shift, Its hard to explain how it really is, Its confusing!

 

He has become very moody and snapping at me the past few days and during an argument the other day he told me that he feels like he never sees me anymore and claimed that im putting my job before our marriage which i don't feel is true, When i told him im going to accept the job he just gave me a blank look and walked away from me. Im 26 and im enjoying my life the way it is right now but because he is 8yrs older than me he wants to start a family before he becomes in his words 'too old'. I can't stand all this tension between us and i want to fix it, Im not saying i'll never have kids, I definitely do want to become a mom but i just don't feel ready right now and i honestly want to accept this job offer but im starting to feel guilty about it. I feel i've already compromised with him as i was born and raised in brooklyn and wanted to stay there but moved to the bronx to make it easier for him as he is based there and i still dislike being here but im doing it for him. How can i make this work and keep him happy or should i think more of starting a family?

[yessy21]

Hi AshleyG!

 

After reading your post, i dont think you should have children until after you resolved your schedules.

 

Both of you have clear points.

You have worked hard to get your dream job, and you should enjoy it. you are entitled to it. thats what hard work and sacrifice is.

He is clearly a little older...and feels that he isnt getting any younger. He might want to enjoy his children instead of feeling too tired or old to go out and do fun stuff.

 

Marriage is all about comprimising and equality.

you have to keep in consideration your husbands wants and needs. So does he. i think what will work best for you both is planning.

yes, you should take the job. but sit down and say okay..... im going to take the job, and if we are still in a good place and can prepare our schedules correctly we can start our family.

As a mother you will have to be there for your children and as a father so will he. so when those kids come.... (when the time is right)... they will become your number one priority. i say wait another year or so. dont take too long because that can diminish your marriage.

[movingon12]

I sympathise with your husband because, as he is quite a bit older I'm sure he's looking around at his friends and they'll be starting to have kids and he isn't.

 

However, he has always been older than you (obviously) so he should have realised that there certain things that you're going to reach at different times.

 

Also, he's only 34, he's not 40, so I think he should probably relax about being 'too old'.

 

If you're not ready to have a baby. DON'T DO IT. I'm pregnant right now, and although I am very keen to have a baby (I'm much older than you). It's HARD. And it's not even started yet! If you were to get pregnant just to make him happy, there is a serious risk that you will resent him and the baby and it will destroy your marriage.

 

You need to sit down and talk to him and tell him that you're just not ready yet. Incidentally, is he planning to stay at home and look after the baby when s/he's born? Or is he expecting you to do that?

 

At the end of the day, you're the one who goes through 9 months of pregnancy and it's your fertility that is most impacted by increasing age. You are a long way away from facing fertility problems so you can (both) afford to wait for many more years.

 

I know that's not what he wants to hear, but a baby just isn't something you can compromise on. Until you both want one, you shouldn't start.

[Radu]

My husband and i got married last year after being together for 7yrs. We both work full time jobs, Early this week i went for an interview at another (major) hair salon and they called me back and asked if i would be interested in the job as the second Artistic Director of their salon which is a dream job for me and im very excited about but when i told my husband about this he got a little peeved off as this means i would be working longer hours than i am now and he has been wanting to start a family for a really long time now but i just haven't felt ready yet and im at a point in my career that im really enjoying, I love being independent and i've worked very hard to get where i am now, I've been a stylist since i finished school and im finally being noticed to go higher in the field. He is a firefighter and with us both working long hours we mostly only get one full day per week together oe days its just late evenings or early morning, Other days he works full days/nights, Im gone all day or he is home long before i get home that night and my day off is usually when he is working a day shift, Its hard to explain how it really is, Its confusing!

 

He has become very moody and snapping at me the past few days and during an argument the other day he told me that he feels like he never sees me anymore and claimed that im putting my job before our marriage which i don't feel is true, When i told him im going to accept the job he just gave me a blank look and walked away from me. Im 26 and im enjoying my life the way it is right now but because he is 8yrs older than me he wants to start a family before he becomes in his words 'too old'. I can't stand all this tension between us and i want to fix it, Im not saying i'll never have kids, I definitely do want to become a mom but i just don't feel ready right now and i honestly want to accept this job offer but im starting to feel guilty about it. I feel i've already compromised with him as i was born and raised in brooklyn and wanted to stay there but moved to the bronx to make it easier for him as he is based there and i still dislike being here but im doing it for him. How can i make this work and keep him happy or should i think more of starting a family?

I left the full text and just bolded the important parts.

You are not yet ready to be married, and it shows.

 

For someone who has been with this guy for 8yrs, your outlook on life is very selfish, immature.

 

You went into a relationship, you said yes, and you married him.

 

You love being independent ... there is no independence in a marriage, it is after all now 'us', you can't pick and choose which parts you want.

You feel that it's not true you are putting your job before the marriage ... but you said yes to the job offer, despite knowing how he feels about it; he is right on this one.

Im 26 and im enjoying my life the way it is right now ... fine by everyone, but if kids are not on the table for you right now and you want to live your life as you want, then what are you doing married to him ???

Is he your husband or just an accesory you keep for when you go out and want to show off your 34yr old and firefighter toy ???

I feel i've already compromised with him as i was born and raised in brooklyn and wanted to stay there but moved to the bronx to make it easier for him ... you sound like a little girl living in a bubble. There is a female user on this very forum who went from Australia to the US to marry the guy she loved; and you are consider moving a few miles a 'compromise' ???

 

I'll say it again, it is your body ... do with it as you will, but don't forget that every day you live that your goals and actions in life do not go hand in hand with his, is a day you steal from him.

It is a day that he could spend being happy ... finding the woman who can appreciate him, and i don't think a 34yr old firefighter will have problems finding one.

Edited December 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CarboniteCammy]

I have to agree that there's no independence in marriage. While I do think you're a bit young to start having kids, I also feel that you're putting your needs and your wants before your marriage.

 

It's hard to go from "I" and "me" to "us" and "ours" but that's what marriage is all about. You and your husband come as a unit, and the needs of the unit must come first.

 

Unfortunately, you and your husband are unequally yolked at the moment. It's ok if both of you want careers and want to wait on kids, or if both of you want to start a family. Either of those scenarios can work.

 

My point is that you may have to be willing to compromise on this if your marriage is more important then your job. That's a decision that you will have to make.

 

If you do decide that your marriage is number one (which is what you signed on for when you made those vows) then you have to treat it as a new beginning and you can't be bitter and angry about it. You just have to let it go and move on.

 

If your career is more important then your marriage, then I'd honestly suggest that you and your husband enter into marriage counseling to work this out. This is a huge issue and you will probably need professional guidance to navigate through it.

[yessy21]

i left the full text and just bolded the important parts.

You are not yet ready to be married, and it shows.

 

For someone who has been with this guy or 8yrs, your outlook on life is very selfish, immature.

 

You went into a relationship, you said yes, and you married him.

 

you love being independent ... There is no independence in a marriage, it is after all now 'us', you can't pick and choose which parts you want.

you feel that it's not true you are putting your job before the marriage ... But you said yes to the job offer, despite knowing how he feels about it; he is right on this one.

im 26 and im enjoying my life the way it is right now ... Fine by everyone, but if kids are not on the table for you right now and you want to live your life as you want, then what are you doing married to him ???

Is he your husband or just an accesory you keep for when you go out and want to show off your 34yr old and firefighter toy ???

i feel i've already compromised with him as i was born and raised in brooklyn and wanted to stay there but moved to the bronx to make it easier for him ... You sound like a little girl living in a bubble. There is a female user on this very forum who went from australia to the us to marry the guy she loved; and you are consider moving a few miles a 'compromise' ???

 

I'll say it again, it is your body ... Do with it as you will, but don't forget that every day you live that your goals and actions in life do not go hand in hand with his, is a day you steal from him.

It is a day that he could spend being happy ... Finding the woman who can appreciate him, and i don't think a 34yr old firefighter will have problems finding one.

 

 

very well said.

Edited December 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[movingon12]

I'll say it again, it is your body ... do with it as you will, but don't forget that every day you live that your goals and actions in life do not go hand in hand with his, is a day you steal from him.

It is a day that he could spend being happy ... finding the woman who can appreciate him, and i don't think a 34yr old firefighter will have problems finding one.

 

Alternatively, everyday that he lives that his goals and actions in life do not go hand in hand with hers, is a day he stealsfrom her.

 

I find it depressing that you think a 26 year old woman who wants a promotion instead of a baby at this point in her life is somehow being selfish. I suspect if the OP was asking her 26 year old fireman husband to change to a 9-5 office job so they could start a family together, people would tell her that he is too young and she shouldn't impose her views on him.

 

Unless the OP promised her husband that she would get pregnant in their first year of marriage, he has no reason to insist that she has a baby so young. I'll say it again, he's only 34.

[Nyla]

It is very easy for a man to say he wants children. Your husband will not have to go through pregnancy, birth and having to do the lion's share of the childrearing. It is still women who bear the brunt of parenting.

 

The timeline for having children should have been agreed upon before marriage.

 

Sometimes when there is an age difference in a relationship, different priorities can become an issue. My husband is eight years my senior too; fortunately we agreed that we don't want to have children and many other aspects of marriage before we got married.

 

Not every woman wants to give up everything just because she is married. My mother did that and she is very bitter. Why can't the man compromise as well? A good marriage requires respect for individuality; interdependence rather than complete dependence.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to build your career. I think it is a smart choice, in case your marriage doesn't work out and you have to be a single mom or support yourself completely. In this day and age, women cannot afford to put all their eggs in the marriage basket. I see too many SAHMs who live in poverty because their husbands fell in love with someone else and left them. The SAHMs I am speaking of foolishly decided not to seek education or employment because they thought they could depend on their men forever. Very bad choices.

 

How about agreeing to have children within two years? That way, you and your husband can both be somewhat happy. He can get his children and you can have more time for your career.

 

My brother in law is 40. His daughter is two and every day he complains that he was too old to have a child because he lacks patience. His wife wants another child, but I don't see how my BIL will have patience for a toddler and a baby if he is already complaining now. Their marriage is very unhappy and I'm sure that how many kids to have is one bone of contention. Because of this, I can see why your husband doesn't want to wait too long to become a father.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Nyla