Yoohoo, where the hell did my sex goddess go?

[martymoose]

I'm sure this subject has been beaten worse then a teenager’s car - but I need some advice.

 

My wife - before we had kids - was a sex goddess! She use to say "sure" to just about anything I suggested. We have a box full of sex toys, and a porn collection that would make Ron Jeremy jealous! The only problem, that box of adult goodies has an inch thick layer of dust on it. I Know, I know the "children" drain her of any energy, blah, blah, blah! But ya know what, I am a good husband. I am:

1. Attentive to her needs

2. A good listener

3. I would never cheat

4. I don't watch sports

5. I look good, and am very tall

6. I am a great father

7. I am funny

8. I don't abuse her in any way

9. I spend most all of my free time with her and the kids

10. I don't have any bad vices

 

Am I missing something here? Isn't this all of the crap that women usually want in a husband? I was always taught to be a good husband/partner/boyfriend and I know that I am. All I want is some hot sex! Is this so wrong? I want the sexually creative woman that once made me say "are you sure, well OK I guess we could try that" back. I'M MARRIED TO SOMEONES MOMMY!!!!!

 

Anyway, what the hell should I do here? I love my wife, but we have a serious issue here! Please, somebody help my sexually depraved ass (well, not literally my ass but you know what I mean).

[befuddled11]

"I Know, I know the "children" drain her of any energy, blah, blah, blah! But ya know what, I am a good husband."

 

You sound like you just don't believe that the physical and emotional demands of raising children could drain a woman's energy level? Why is that?

 

How many children do you have? What ages?

 

What age is your wife?

 

Does she stay at home to raise them? (are they in school?)....do she work outside of the home? Full time? Part time?

 

Do you help her out equally with the many energy-draining tasks of things such as housework? Grocery shopping? Driving the kids all over the place? Washing the floors? Scrubbing the toilets? Making the meals? Doing the laundry? Making sure the bills are paid?

 

Frankly, I don't think that a lot of men realize how much energy can be zapped from a woman who's raising kids and running a home. I likely wouldn't know it myself, had it not been for watching my sister do it. She's 33, has an 18 month old and a 4 yr old. She was a teacher, full time, before they had kids. She went back to teaching part time when the first child was 2. Now she's a stay at home Mom, mostly because my nephew has lifethreatening allergies to so many things and she's had some close calls with careless babysitters who could have killed him (soy, wheat, milk, most fruits, some veggies, eggs, etc).

 

The poor girl was an athlete in high school, and in college, played women's soccer and skiied lots. Not a slacker, not a wimp. But she's run ragged now. She rarely gets more than 4 hours sleep in a row, because one child or the other is awake and wanting mommy or daddy, and my brother inlaw works outside of the home, so naturally he doesn't get up in the night.

 

She never gets a day to herself. ON the weekends, when my brother inlaw isn't working, he figures the weekends are his time to do "nothing", and that he does. Her "time away" is leaving him with the kids so she can go get some groceries.

 

She is not one to complain at all, she loves being a wife and mother....but she is run ragged and is underweight.

 

Physical exhaustion can definitely play a big part in a woman's libido.

 

Do you make your wife feel special? sexy? desired?

 

Do you ever initiate a weekend away, where you're both away from the kids with no distractions?

 

Did you really think that life after kids and the responsibilities and demands of marriage and parenthood would stay the same as things were prior to all that?

[Thinkalot]

Maybe try and create time away from the kids, where your wife can rest, and her sexual desire can spark back up. Talk to her about it. See what she would like, or else organise a surprise trip somewhere.

 

I haven't gone down the kids path yet, so I can only imagine the impact they have.

[martymoose]

Originally posted by befuddled11

You sound like you just don't believe that the physical and emotional demands of raising children could drain a woman's energy level? Why is that? ---> AS IF I DON'T! THIS IS JUST THE SAME OLD USED UP REPONSE THAT ALL WOMEN SAY. HELLO - I WATCH THE KIDS ALONE TOO SOMETIMES, I KNOW HOW TIRING THEY CAN BE!

 

How many children do you have? What ages? ---> 2 YEARS AND A 4 MONTH OLD.

 

What age is your wife? -->26 (5 YEARS YOUNGER THEN ME!!)

 

Does she stay at home to raise them? (are they in school?)....do she work outside of the home? Full time? Part time? -->SHE AND I WORK FULL TIME, KIDS ARE AT OUR MOM'S.

 

Do you help her out equally with the many energy-draining tasks of things such as housework? Grocery shopping? Driving the kids all over the place? Washing the floors? Scrubbing the toilets? Making the meals? Doing the laundry? Making sure the bills are paid? --->100% YES!! I DO ALL OF THOSES THING AROUND THE HOUSE AND MORE. IN FACT, I AM MORE OF A CLEAN FREAK THEN MY WIFE SO I AM ALWAYS GOING AROUND CLEANING.

 

Frankly, I don't think that a lot of men realize how much energy can be zapped from a woman who's raising kids and running a home. --->MAYBE NOT, BUT I DO AND I HELP OUT, I WOULD SAY MUCH MORE THEN THE AVERAGE HUSBANDS DO.

 

 

 

Physical exhaustion can definitely play a big part in a woman's libido. --->THAT'S FOR SURE BUT I AM EQUALLY AS TIRED YET I STILL WANT SEX.

 

Do you make your wife feel special? sexy? desired? --->YES I DO. I DO NOT ALWAYS DO IT TRYING TO GET SEX EITHER!

 

 

Did you really think that life after kids and the responsibilities and demands of marriage and parenthood would stay the same as things were prior to all that? ---> NO BUT DOES THIS MEAN THAT A HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOULD NO LONGER MAKE TIME FOR INTMENCY? THIS IS THE QUESTION THAT I AM ASKING.

 

 

My answers are in caps above.

 

Your answers are the same standard responses that I have read over, and over in these columns. Your answers seem to be circled around how men don't help around the house, or who we don't know how tiring being a mom is. Yes, me as well as other husbands out there DO realize that women have a HUGE roll in the family. We know this, and respect this.

 

I can safely say that I do in fact help out around the house. I have "scrubbed the toilet" in fact many more times then my wife has. I really try hard to be conscious of the fact that keeping a house, and raising 2 kids is a more then full time job.

 

The way I see it, I am doing my part to be the best partner that I can. All I ask for in return is a wife who is interested in sex and doesn’t just go through the motions.

 

What most women do not seem to realize is that sex only leads to better harmony in a marriage. When both partners are sexually satisfied, they are much more eager to do more to help their partner out. Instead, sex becomes a weapon. I know that if I didn't help out around the house, she would NEVER have sex with me. Now I’m not saying that I work around the house just for sex, I know that the things that I do are my responsibility.

 

Here is the bottom line: I do my part and more in my home. All I ask for in return is a woman who appreciates me, and wants a good sex life too. Right now, I am NOT getting that

[Thinkalot]

Have you told your wife your feelings? Perhaps a calm talk about things would help, without any blaming.

 

Intimacy should still be important yes, no doubts there, but there are so many things to balance. Try and find ways to create more time for the two of you, or have a romantic date out or something perhaps.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Marty..

 

this may be a stupid question but - have you talked to her about it? sometimes relationships just get comfortable. And it's not that uncommon that people start thinking of each other as "mom" and "dad" and not "husband" or "wife" or "lover."

 

Does she realize you feeling this way? You say you try to make her feel sexy and loved but have you really talked about the sex (or lack of it) frankly?

 

Also as a side note, if you have a 2 year old/4 month old, she had 2 pregnancies very close together.. it still may be hormones/new baby issues that have to be worked on. Could she be afraid to getting pregnant again? Is she breastfeeding? I had a friend who said while she was bf, she had zero sex drive.

 

I'M MARRIED TO SOMEONES MOMMY!!!!! - and I hate to point this out but you are married to someone's mommy!! (sorry, I know it's not a funny matter but that made me smile .. she is someone's mother!!)

[supermom]

If I wouldn't know for sure, I'd think MY husband was posting this! It is perfectly normal for the sex drive to go down after children because of EXACTLY what befuddled11 was saying in her post.

 

I am the same way. I used to be more sexual but after having a child, I am TIRED. I work at least 45 hours a week and you get TIRED.

 

Does your kids have grandparents close? I'm sure they'd love to have a weekend with the kids. Get a hotel room and RELAX. It'll help.

 

Your situation ( and wifes) is completely normal. My husband is a horn dog and he can totally relate to you, but sounds like I can relate to your wife.

 

It'll be ok

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by martymoose

My answers are in caps above.

 

Your answers are the same standard responses that I have read over, and over in these columns. Your answers seem to be circled around how men don't help around the house, or who we don't know how tiring being a mom is. Yes, me as well as other husbands out there DO realize that women have a HUGE roll in the family. We know this, and respect this.

 

I can safely say that I do in fact help out around the house. I have "scrubbed the toilet" in fact many more times then my wife has. I really try hard to be conscious of the fact that keeping a house, and raising 2 kids is a more then full time job.

 

The way I see it, I am doing my part to be the best partner that I can. All I ask for in return is a wife who is interested in sex and doesn’t just go through the motions.

 

What most women do not seem to realize is that sex only leads to better harmony in a marriage. When both partners are sexually satisfied, they are much more eager to do more to help their partner out. Instead, sex becomes a weapon. I know that if I didn't help out around the house, she would NEVER have sex with me. Now I’m not saying that I work around the house just for sex, I know that the things that I do are my responsibility.

 

Here is the bottom line: I do my part and more in my home. All I ask for in return is a woman who appreciates me, and wants a good sex life too. Right now, I am NOT getting that

 

No offense, but it sounds as if you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder. I'm sorry if my response mirrors that that many men in your boat receive, but it's the truth.

 

You seem to have an awfully elevated opinion of yourself as a husband. Did it ever occur to you that maybe what YOU think of yourself and what your wife thinks, are 2 totally different things? I'm not trying to antagonize you, but you describe yourself as a perfect husband. Nobody is perfect. And people's perceptions of themselves, and how other people's (their spouse) may perceive them differently.

 

Good Lord, your wife just had her second baby 4 months ago......and you expect her to be some kind of nympho? Her hormones are STILL sorting themselves out. Give her a break. Marriage isn't just about "sex for the husband and his needs in the bedroom." Nobody said that marriage was some one way ticket to living the life of a sex GOD.

 

Have you kindly and lovingly approached your wife about this? That's obviously the place to start, we aren't her, we can't read her mind, we're not in her body.......only she knows how she feels.

 

She's pretty young to have 2 such YOUNG children. Motherhood can be physically tiring, especially when the children are in diapers/toddlers. Maybe she feels different now...maybe she no longer feels like the sex kitten, but instead feels all Motherly and just in a different mindset.

 

For some women, it's hard to focus on sex because the sound of their baby crying or the fear that their child will wander into the bedroom (from having a nightmare, or just wanting to be with mommy/daddy) is enough to kill the desire.

 

It seems you're only thinking about yourself and your needs.....are you considering your wife and her needs and where her head is at, or might be? Yes, sex is important in a marriage....but it's not the primary focus and this attitude of "I deserve this, it's my right!" isn't going to help get to the root cause of what you perceive as a problem.

 

Does your wife NEVER want sex? I mean.....what are your expectations? Does your wife want sex twice a week and you want it 10 times a week?

 

How do you KNOW you make her feel sexy, now that she's a "mommy"? How do you KNOW that you make her feel desired?

 

The desire for sex with women, starts in the brain. What she was prior to marriage and what she is now are understandably 2 different things. She's got a whole new role and mindset now. Her hormones are still getting sorted out. She has a helluva lot more stress and responsibilities than she had when it was all just fun and games.

 

Does she ever get time to herself to do the things that matter to her? Her hobbies or interests? Or could she just feel like a mommy and wife and like nothing more?

 

You might want to consider finding some books on Marriage & Sex, or going to see a marriage counsellor on your own.....(at first).....so that you can open your mind a little more to your wife's position. You seem to definitely have your back up with any of the "common sense" advice you're receiving, or have read, it's like you don't believe it, you think you're the perfect husband and for that your wife should just spread her legs at any time you want. Maybe she gets the impression that that's ALL you want from her....maybe she picks up on your frustration or sense of entitlement and that totaly turns her off.

 

Hopefully some of the happily married men here can share their thoughts and advice.

[ladyangel]

I agree with befuddled. Dang, the woman has a 2-year-old and a four-month-old! Give her some time to adjust. Don't pressure her. Her sex drive will improve eventually, I'm sure. You won't die waiting, I assure you.

[Fraggles]

martymoose said:

 

"Did you really think that life after kids and the responsibilities and demands of marriage and parenthood would stay the same as things were prior to all that? ---> NO BUT DOES THIS MEAN THAT A HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOULD NO LONGER MAKE TIME FOR INTMENCY? THIS IS THE QUESTION THAT I AM ASKING.

 

 

Please define intimacy for me.

 

What is your idea of intimacy?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by martymoose

2. A good listener

It's time to start opening your mouth, you could be the greatest husband on Earth, but your relationship sucks if you cannot communicate.

[Wolvesbaned]

Have you tired to "romance" her into the mood? Set-up a romantic rendezvous, tell her how much you miss having "alone time" -- like it was before the kids. Make her feel "desired", throw in some roses, champagne, music, candles. See where the mood takes you from there.

[ladyangel]

http://www.christianitytoday.com/cpt/2002/003/6.44.html

[lohrewok]

Hi all! My first post, but a long time lurker.

 

I just want to say that everyone is coming to the defense of the wife. Sounds to me like that maybe he has some legit concerns.

 

Lots of times when women have children they forget that first and foremost they were wives first. IMO that relationship with their DH should be a priority. Being a mother will always be there. But many people do divorce over these issues and then where will those children be? In a spilt up family situation. Who wants to have kids in a single parent situation? I say work on keeping your man happy and then tend to the children. Of course these are small ones and their needs can be immediate at this age, however, they do grow up. One just needs to remember not to fall into the habit of always putting the kids first at the expense of the marriage.