Just going through the motions

[NE-Mike]

Hi All,

 

New to the forum and I have a 2 part issue. The first part seems to fit nicely into this topic.

 

I am 48 and have been married going on 21 years. Have 2 kids both in their mid and late teens.

 

My wife and I met at work, dated for 1.5 years and got married. When we got married, my wife got laid off from work. This was at the height of the first recession in the 90's and could not find work. After about 9 months of looking and still not being able to find work I talked to her and decided that we would be able to get by just on my salary. It wasn't easy, but we made do.

 

2 children later and the wife raised the kids and took care of the house. Through that time we had many arguments over money (a very typical thing for married couples). Never once during this time did I ever belittle the job of a stay at home mom. It is an extremely difficult job that is practically 24 hours, 7 days a week.

 

I pitched in as much as possible, but with my wife if never seemed to be enough. I understand how tired she must be after a day of chasing toddlers around, cleaning, washing clothes, etc. I dutifully listened to her talk about her day, the problems she ran into, etc. I offered some suggestions on rare cases, but knowing that mostly women just want to vent and are not always looking for answers.

 

The problem here is that through out our entire marriage, my wife really never supported me emotionally. Not that I was depressed or anything, but she really never wanted to hear about my day at work or what was going on with me. She never really gave me any input about new positions at work or when I was thinking about changing jobs the why or if it was a good idea.

 

Just seemed it was a one way street emotionally. Don't get me wrong, she does not emasculate me or look to make me feel inadequate, but she has done nothing for most of our marriage to show me attention or provide any emotional support even though I have always been there for her.

 

The final bit you should know about is physical intimacy. There hasn't been any for over 8 years and counting. She was never big into sex, though before marriage and during the first few years of marriage we had it at least once a week, but 8 years without has been difficult.

 

I have talked to my wife about it (BTW - she is 5 years older than me) and she will give in "if I really want it". Well that is certainly a turn on - NOT.

 

So here I am. I love my wife. I really do, but I feel that I may not like her. I do not want to leave her either. Divorce would be a difficult answer since I love my kids and my wife, and I would end up on the street not being able to afford to eat after the courts get done with me.

 

I have discussed counseling with my wife, but she refuses.

 

So what should I do at this point in my life. Should I really contemplate a divorce? I just see that option as a downward spiral at this stage in my life losing everything and being homeless.

 

There is more to this story, but figured I would stop here for comments from all.

 

Thanks

[onlynameleft]

Can I ask what it is you love about your wife...other than than the fact she is the mother of your children.

Your description didn't include any lovable traits.

 

You seem to be stuck in a horrible situation. A celibate life with someone who is disengaged from both you and the marriage. Have you asked your W if she wants to be married to you.... grow old with you??

Does she expect you to live without sex for the rest of your life? Who gets married with the expectation of not having sex available?

 

Would she be happy if you had a 'friend with benefits'? Would that help you?.....probably not as your not likely to get the emotional connection your wanting and if you did find that need fulfilled from your 'friend' it would no doubt end/damage your marriage

 

I would suggest IC to set a path/plan for yourself... you only get one bash at life... don't be someone who regrets the choices they made.

 

Don't you think you deserve more than this...?

[NE-Mike]

Thanks Only. You have really hit the nail on the head I guess. As I sit here and try to think of why I love my wife other than the kids, I am not really sure. Maybe it is also my fear of growing old alone even with the prospect of not having any physical contact with my wife. The other aspect is financial. I make good money at my job and consider ourselves comfortable with sending our kids to semi-private school and one will be going to college in a year. A divorce would completely wipe me out financially, take my house away and put me out in the street. So I just can't see that as an option.

 

Unfortunately, this puts me in the position most favorable for cheating.

 

Mike

[NE-Mike]

Thanks Demetra. That site looks pretty good.