Raka Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 He's 24 im 22 we have one child together, live in an apartment, and have been together for 5 years. In the beginning we talked about getting married right off the bat and he was all in, over the years we agreed to just wait until we could afford something nice and have all of our family there(since i moved out to indiana from california to be with him) Now we are getting a bit of a foot on the ground and i talked about it the other day and he says he's not sure if he wants to marry me. after watching mad men and viewing a guy who was trapped for 30 years in a relationship to a prude and fell in love with a younger girl and only sayed with the woman for the sake of the child, it must have clicked something in him. I feel like he now feels like im the prude, that he's pretty much saying he does love me now he's just doing it for our child and doesnt want to spend life with me. he was saying what if somewhere in the world was a partner who had everything in common with you, he says we dont click and that we dont agree on everything. I tried to break it off a year ago, i was in a state of extreme depression, and he started crying asking me if i was really serious and it really felt like he loved me. The only time i can really tell he loves me is when we make love or when i hurt him. he never randomly shows affection anymore, i try to kiss him and he'll take to pecks and back away or purse his lips funny. I dont know what to do, i love this man, he's the father of my child, i feel like we do connect and share similar personalities. I dont want to leave him but i feel like even if we do get married it would just make him trapped and eventually it will end down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
gabby7986 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Hunny, dont waste your time on a man that you feel like wont give you the time of day. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 He needs to read what you have written here. Then you talk openly and calmly. Things obviously need to change or you both need to move on. You BOTH have a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) Raka, you're pretty young. You're only 22. At 22 I just graduated from college and I can't imagine trying to get married the (although I had fantasized about it, but reality hit and I realized I was in no way ready to marry). People do it of course, but like you said, for me, I'm currently in grad school, I want to be at a certain place in life before I add a husband and babies to the mix. I think it is normal that a 24 year old guy isn't ready to settle down. Some are, but I think a lot more aren't. Your bf doesn't seem ready and he also seems restless in the relationship. If you didn't have a child, then there would be less pressure. Most 22 year old women aren't pressuring their bfs to marry, just because they're young and still have loads of time. I do agree with Just a Poster, that sometimes for some when they settle down into a life that brings all a marriage entails: you have a child, live together, etc. they don't want to "make it official". Perhaps that plays into it as well. But if he isn't affectionate, you can feel the difference, he says he thinks you aren't compatible etc....listen. You are right, you don't want to pressure him into marrying you, as it will inevitably not work out or worse, he stays with you and then cheats on you. Your child with him makes you a lot more tied to him understandably, you also moved to be with him. The horse is already out of the gate...but just a word to the wise, I really don't think people should make life changing decisions: changing careers, having babies etc. with someone who isn't committed to them. For me, that means marriage, and obviously you want marriage too. For some people they don't want to ever get married and that's fine...so whatever the equivalent of that level of commitment is, I would not choose to do things that will severely alter my life for someone who may be temporary. I especially think for people who are in their early twenties, a lot of times, most relationships are indeed temporary and there are so many life changes that it's best to settle down a bit later when things have calmed down. I was reading a study on that that talked about couples who marry before 26 or something usually end up having shorter marriages than their counterparts who marry later. In any case, I think you should talk to him and tell him what you've told us and ask him what would he like to do, so that you can make some decisions about your lives....then come back and report. Edited July 19, 2012 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
kizmet74 Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 My suggestion, TALK TO HIM and tell him how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raka Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 I've already talked to him about what he meant and he said he was just depressed with life. He says he has thought of marriage in a good way with me just not in the past month since its been stressful. he's been trying to find a job and hasnt had much luck. 4 years ago when we where in our teens we got to the point where we had everything signed off on the marriage license but i needed a state id and didnt have one at the time. once i finally got one a few months later we thought it out and would really like our family to be there. It wasnt that he was saying he didnt want marriage he was saying he didnt want to be married to me at that moment. Link to post Share on other sites
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