going insane

[A1135]

So I am after some advice as I am sure that I am not the first one who has ever been through this.

 

So let’s start with the problem: Lack of Sex

 

Now the back story; My wife and I are 30yrs old and have been together for 7 yrs, Married for 3 and have recently had our first child. She is the love of my life, my best friend and a beautiful wonderful person. We have a wonderful relationship in which we both understand and care for each other and discuss everything.

 

I have always had a much greater sex drive than her and over the first few years we had to compromise, she tried more and I learnt to deal with less. This was liveable for both of us with around 2-3 times a month. However over time my ability to initiate sex dropped off, as I was almost always turned down, after so much trying and getting refused eventually you stop trying. So sex for the last few years has always been on her terms, so for me it has lost some of the spontaneity and excitement.

 

Obviously during the pregnancy and in the first few months of having a new child (such an amazing experience and an absolute joy to our lives) it dropped off as I expected, but we are now down to 4 times in over a year!

 

I read all the articles that say “do more house work”, “support your wife more” etc etc which may apply to 50+ couples but in modern standards the idea that the women do everything I find is a very outdated idea. In our relationship I do 90% of the cooking, cleaning, general house work, financial duties, etc. I also work full time (often up to 70hrs/wk) while my wife works part time. Whenever I am home I change all nappies and spend as much time with our son as possible, often coming home from work and taking him and running a bath for my wife so she can sit and relax and have some time out.

 

I am extremely romantic, leaving notes, sending text msgs, buying flowers or treats randomly. I give lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles at all hours of the day. And I often leave for the day or to go out with a nice slow romantic kiss (I try and do this when She knows that I am not after anything more). After the baby she said that she didn’t feel sexy, so I made extra effort to comment when she wore a nice outfit or point out how great her boobs look, and how sexy I find her. I also made sure that our kiss good night wasn’t just a quick peck but a few minutes of making out with no intention of it going any further.

 

So I need to get her out of the “hugs are all I need” frame of mind and into the “come with me the babies sleeping”. I would also love to get her back into accepting my advances not just doing things on her terms. I am grumpy all the time and getting really down about it, and am finding it hard to concentrate at work etc.

 

Sorry that the post is a bit long but it is driving me crazy and I would really appreciate some others experiences or advice!

[Balzac]

W0W. Compromise from the jump, tough situation. Reads like sexual incompatible. Congrats in your baby.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her that intimacy has to happen more than four times a year! Kids or not, this is something that a husband and wife has to keep going to keep the passion and flame alive. Even if she isn't into physical sex each time, cudding, kissing, getting you off could be just as good.. That closeness and intimacy is important.

 

Tell her how you feel and suggest gettin a sitter or dropping the kids off at the grandparents for a weekend ,or a sleepover..This way you two can go out on a date, have FUN and BE husband and wife, not mom and dad.

[Bellechica]

First of all my heart goes out to you, but I'm glad you are addressing this problem early in your marriage. I have been in your situation. You get tired of initiating and give up. Sex becomes unfulfilling because you think your partner does it because he/she has to.

I'm a wife, but our problems started after our few years of marriage, but then after awhile a person gets tired of trying.

The "I'm tired" excuse gets really old.

However, I've come to realize that these problems are much deeper than sexual. It's about connecting. My H and I are rebuilding and it is possible. Things are way better.

My concern for you is that you seem to be doing all the right things. You're doing your part. You are trying hard to let her know you appreciate her. I don't know why she isn't connecting.

Have you tried being more aggressive? Take control and tell her you have to have her? I don't mean force her, but let her know you can't take being without her?

It sounds like you are the initiator though so you may have, sigh.

I feel your pain, but as I said, frank communication which was hard for us, has helped.

[A1135]

Classic example tonight

 

I left work early knowing that my wife would be at mothers group. I came home, did the dishes, cleaned the house, and made dinner. When she got home she was appreaciative of what I had done (which is normal).

 

I got her a drink and sat and we talked about our days, while I gave her a neck rub. I suggested a hot shower and gave her the option of alone or together telling her that I had been horny all day and that if we showered together I wouldnt be able to keep my hands off her. She said that it would be nice to have one together so I think, great in with a chance here!

 

Shower, just hugs and kisses and me left frustrated!!!

 

I keep putting myself in this cycle;

- Need sex

- Come up with a plan of what I can do

- do everything to make sure that she is as relaxed and trouble free as possible

- listen to her needs

- think that the plan is going to work

- then nothing happens

- I am left frustrated, depressed and grumpy

- she will now get annoyed with me for being grumpy

- when she asks why I am grumpy and I tell her its from lack of sex, she will say that she is sorry and that she will see what she can do

- nothing changes, cycle repeats

[Radu]

To me it sounds like she is taking you for granted.

 

You need to address this asap, and have her see how much you do over how little you receive.

If you don't address this, you will grow resentfull of her, which will destroy your marriage and affect your kid.

 

So ... you need communication [better one], maybe try to put down in writing what you do for the family vs what she does for the family because if it's just spoken it will be missinterpreted by either of you as you please ... writing is better, how old is the kid ?

You also need to look at her upbringing :

- what is her mom and dad's relationship like, who leads ?

- were her parents always married ?

- how was she treated by her parents as a kid ?

 

You need to solve this, because this is basically a boundary, you saying 'i won't get treated like this'.

 

I'd also like to add that many ppl are of the conviction that sex is not that important in a couple [i'm sure she said it when you discovered she is low sex drive], but do you see what a difference in sex drive does to a couple now ?

[standtall]

I left work early knowing that my wife would be at mothers group. I came home, did the dishes, cleaned the house, and made dinner. When she got home she was appreaciative of what I had done (which is normal).

 

I got her a drink and sat and we talked about our days, while I gave her a neck rub. I suggested a hot shower and gave her the option of alone or together telling her that I had been horny all day and that if we showered together I wouldnt be able to keep my hands off her. She said that it would be nice to have one together so I think, great in with a chance here!

 

S

 

A, it sounds like you are the doormat here. You've established this behavior as the norm and it is not working, so change your behavior.

 

You're not talking her language, ...you can't change her, so change the way you deal with her. Do the opposite..be an A**hole. Do nothing and ingore her...be dismissive..go out with friends...do a mean 180, and take control. I bet you that changes her behavior towards you, one way or the other. What have you got to loose? Most people would consider a couple who have sex 4 times a year short of a medical reason are in a dead marriage anyway.

[Bellechica]

Yes, be frank with her. Tell her that you resent the fact that she doesn't want intimacy. You have done so much. Tell her you will NOT be one of those couples who have a sexless marriage.

A lot of affairs are born out of situations such as yours.

Tell her you're seeking advice on how to deal with this issue. That's how serious the situation has become.

She needs to want sex too, not just do it out of wifely duty. SHE needs to start being the one who tries to connect with you.

It might help to write your feelings out, but don't delay. She's going to lose you if she doesn't do her part in the marriage and that is for both of you to put each other's needs first. I believe you have done that. It's her turn now.

[xxoo]

I suggested a hot shower and gave her the option of alone or together telling her that I had been horny all day and that if we showered together I wouldnt be able to keep my hands off her. She said that it would be nice to have one together so I think, great in with a chance here!

 

Shower, just hugs and kisses and me left frustrated!!!

 

I don't understand how that shower ended up in just hugs and kisses???

 

Did she push you away when you moved for more? Or were you waiting for her to initiate sex?

 

Take her hand, put it on your manhood, and move it in a rhythmic motion. What happens then? Does she pull away? Does she refuse?

 

Start moving downward during the "kisses"....kissing her breasts, then her belly, then her.......what happens then?

[Bellechica]

Ask her is she is willing to have an open marriage so she doesn't feel pressured to meet your sexual needs. See how she reacts to THAT.

[happyme]

You are doing all you can and she is not responding the way you would like. I admire your efforts and if my husband were doing all this he wouldn't be able to peel me off him (well, it's like that now anyway but that's off topic). However, it is clearly not pushing her buttons in which case I agree with the poster who advised simply to do something different. I don't know what, but change your attitude and she will have to change hers. Whatever the change is, you will learn from it. Wishing you all the best

[Ninja'sHusband]

Some thoughts for things you can do.

 

Timing is VERY important

1) Pay attention to her cycle, right after she gets off her period is a great time, we called it "happy week" for years. The week before her period, near impossible, except with my wife the last day or so was sometimes possible.

2) Time of day. When do things work the best for you? For us it was weekend mornings, no schedule, relaxing morning, not tired from the day, etc.

 

Also I found this to be useful:

Dr. James Dobson’s Twelve Steps of Intimacy | Erich Stauffer

 

Be lightly affectionate throughout the day, flirt with her in public, tease her.

 

If you are trying for sex and she isn't responding at all...best to wait until another day. If my wife wasn't in the mood, I used to be able to slowly coax her into it early in our relationship, but that eventually stopped working.

 

 

Also I noticed sex comes and goes. Accept that some months will be slower than others. Often after a slow month you'll have a really good one =D

Edited May 23, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[A1135]

Thanks for everyone’s suggestions and opinions, it feels good to discuss and get a bit of my chest.

 

To answer and add to some peoples questions;

 

We do talk about the issue, but I can’t seem to get through to her how high a good sex life rates on my scale of things for happy marriage. I tell her how guys need sex, that men feel connected and loved through sex, while women get their connection through affection and cuddles. I say “imagine if we went a week without me giving you any cuddles, how would you feel” she said she would hate it, but when I tell her that’s how I feel when we go without sex she just doesn’t get it.

 

I have tried to be more aggressive about it, picking my time when she is in a good mood and is returning kisses, building up over a day with more passionate kisses and touching, then making my move and starting to undress her / take her, but I am met with a “sweetie I’m not in the mood, sorry”. Its like her defult setting is “not in the mood” which is often stated before she can even stop and think “hey this is nice, I could use a good f****ng”

 

Our son is only 8 Weeks old, but I am worried that if we don’t make the time to rekindle our sex life while he is young and can be put down to sleep for an hour, what hope do we have when he is crawling around and can’t be left anywhere, or worse when he is a toddler. If we don’t make time now we might never.

 

Her parents are together in a happy marriage and she has a good relationship with her mum and dad. Her mum is a bit of a prude but apart from that all pretty normal. Her previous long term relationship was with an A-hole who made her do everything (ethnic background where the wife is a slave) she often says how much she appreciates me and all I do for her because of this.

 

I can change the way I treat her, but it will need to be slowly over time. If I just stopped doing anything for her then she would just get depressed and stressed and I would have no hope of having a sex life again.

 

The annoying thing is that we can have the most amazing sex. By far the best that either of us has ever had, we connect on so many levels and it is amazing, a true sharing and building of energy between us. So I don’t want to go off and have an affair or seek just sex I want to have sex and make a connection with my wife!

[Frootloop]

I'm wondering if this (right now) isn't physiological. Her hormones could be out of whack. Also, maybe from a biological standpoint, your drive tells you to plant your seed, while her drive is telling her it's not time yet. She still had pregnancy hormones in her system and could he somewhat depressed from the changes in her body.

 

I am the low-to-no drive partner in my marriage. I honestly could take it or leave it at this point in my life, and I wonder if that's not my body winding down from the biological urge to reproduce. There are a lot of other variables in my marriage, so my age could have nothing to do with it just as easily.

 

What I can tell you is te perspective from the low drive partner. I know my husband resents the fact that I never want sex, and I resent it (heartily) when he tries to push it. So we're at a stalemate right now because he needs have historically come before my own and this is the one area where I have really dug in. What you don't want is that kind of stalemate with your wife.

[Balzac]

Low libido is a medical problem for which treatments exist. Have you considered a medical evaluation for your wife, with her agreement of course? Is she nursing your infant?

[A1135]

She is nursing our son, and I know that her body is currently telling her that its not time. I also respect how much her body has gone through over the last year and that the desire isn’t going to switch straight back on, and I’m not expecting that we will instantly go back to having a sex life.

 

The arrival of our son has been the trigger for me to assess I guess. I had never really dwelled on the lack of sex, it has come up and then I have accepted and moved on, but with so little over the last year, my shear hornyness has made me really think about it. When I go back through and assess I realise that our sex life really dropped off around 2yrs ago, prior to any hint of baby. Thats when the excuses started coming, the lack of understanding, my advances really not working etc.

 

Like I said I worry that with all the excuses / change to priorities that come with a baby that this will be the last nail in the coffin so to speak. It was already slipping, and if we let it slip further and both don’t place priority on working towards having a great sex life again in a years time then it will be lost forever.

[Balzac]

Sound evaluation and thoughtful. Her six week medical check and release for coitus has happened. Generally contraception is in place by now, the subject surely has come forward.

 

I cannot imagine how you are feeling.

[Bellechica]

It's true that the hormones released during breast feeding may lessen her desire, but since the problem started at least two years prior to the pregnancy then I believe there are deeper issues, most likely lack of communication.

 

You have confronted her about your concerns, correct? What does she say? Have you told her you're tired of hearing the excuses? Have you expressed to her the gravity of the situation?

[Ninja'sHusband]

It could also be emotional, is there something she's mad at you for that she's just not talking about anymore, or maybe that she never expressed? That's really common for women to not say what's truly bothering them, and then have it affect your sex life. The other thing...I hate to say it, is if she's having an affair already. Not saying that's the case, just shooting out ideas.

[xxoo]

She is nursing our son, and I know that her body is currently telling her that its not time. I also respect how much her body has gone through over the last year and that the desire isn’t going to switch straight back on, and I’m not expecting that we will instantly go back to having a sex life.

 

Nursing an 8 wk old....yes, I had low interest in sex then, too.

 

I have a general problem with husbands hitting the wall, so to speak, when their wives are pregnant or have small babies. If sex has been a problem, having a baby is such a bad idea. It will only exaggerate the sexual problems, AND it is the worst possible time to push the issue.

 

Try to put closeness first right now. Strengthen your bond with her so that she'll want to fix the sex issue when her hormones settle in a few months.

 

About her responding with "sorry, I'm not in the mood", respond with "When would be a better time? Why don't you take some time for yourself, relax, and we can have a little date together this evening?" If it is the agreed upon "date" time, and she's had some time to herself to relax, ask for 15 minutes to change her mind BUT--this plan should wait for a while, until she at least has regular chunks of time without a baby on her boob or a man pawing at her.

[Balzac]

Majority of new parents are sexually active by 6 weeks postpartum. OP has not stated how long an absence of sex prior to birth.

 

I think his waiting is long enough

[xxoo]

Majority of new parents are sexually active by 6 weeks postpartum. OP has not stated how long an absence of sex prior to birth.

 

I think his waiting is long enough

 

How would you know that?

 

6 wks is the medical checkup, showing stitches are healed, uterus has returned to pre-pregnancy position, and cervix is closed, so that intercourse is safe. It doesn't mean the sex drive has returned, or that the couple has slept more than 2 hours straight for the past 6 weeks

[Balzac]

This is an annonymous pubic forum. Questioning my knowledge is expected. Suffice to say I live in the realm of medicine. I've never yet seen a new parent who slept as little as your opine. Sorry if that was your experience.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I don't remember the exact time, but I don't remember it being that long before my wife and I were sexually active again. We didn't do it as frequently, but there were plenty of times when baby was sleeping and we had opportunity.

[xxoo]

This is an annonymous pubic forum. Questioning my knowledge is expected. Suffice to say I live in the realm of medicine. I've never yet seen a new parent who slept as little as your opine. Sorry if that was your experience.

 

Young babies commonly breastfeed every 2 hours (very different from babies on formula).

 

OP, is your wife getting enough undisrupted sleep at this point? Has her period returned? Many women experience full return of libido only after their period returns, which, again, is later for mothers who are breastfeeding.