my husband has no interest in sex

[Sunflower22]

Hi,

 

I just wanted to ask if you guys think I should be concerned. My husband and I have not had sex in quit awhile. But let me add that our son is just now 4 months old. Up to this point I really have not been interested in sex but lately I would like to focus on our relationship and get it on track since it feels like up to this point all effort has been going to our almost 2 year old daughter and 4 month old son. My husband travels with his work and I work. My husband just started a new job a week ago because his last job was increasing his travel and it was to hard on our family. He is a good man when he is home. He does help me a lot with our children and he takes good care of us. But I must admit things have been stressful around here meaning we bicker a lot and argue some. We are both very tired regularly and drained. Let me add that we moved into our new house 1 day before our son was born and we have not had the time to unpack or organize everything yet. So I feel that our relationship is suffering, we live for the kids. We don't have date nights cause their is no one we feel comfortable leaving the kids with except my mom who watches them while I work so to ask her to do extra is just to much. But for the last two nights I have made efforts to be intimate with my husband and both nights he has rejected me saying he is tired and that he wants to try to sleep before the baby wakes him for night feeding. I just don't understand it. I am tired to but I care enough about our relationship to try to make an effort. And if this goes on much longer maybe we will loose desire for one another all together and it wont work out. I don't want this to happen to my family. I wonder if there is a chance he is cheating on me. I mean how in the world can a guy go without sex for almost a year!!!

[Sunflower22]

Let me also add that my husband does want me to rub him all the time and give him all this attention but I usually don't give it to him. He wants that but not sex. And he wants me to be the one rubbing him and giving him all the affection.

[whichwayisup]

I just don't understand it. I am tired to but I care enough about our relationship to try to make an effort. And if this goes on much longer maybe we will loose desire for one another all together and it wont work out. I don't want this to happen to my family. I wonder if there is a chance he is cheating on me. I mean how in the world can a guy go without sex for almost a year!!!

 

TELL HIM this. And let him know that you're afraid of losing him. Let him know that if he is cheating on you, he can pack his bags and get out of the house. That you aren't going to put up with him rejecting you, in and out of bed.

 

Be honest, speak from your heart.

 

If he is cheating on you, he's a flippin' fool..

[Radu]

4months old baby and you haven't had sex with him in almost a yr ?

What did you do during the 2nd and 3rd trimester when you were horny as hell ?

 

It could be that he is temporarily off sex after such a long dryspell.

This is a sore subject, but how much did you weight before the pregnancy and now ?

It could be he has an affair.

Do you spend less time taking care of yourself now with the baby than before ?

 

Talk to your mother, have her take the kids for a couple of datenights. Imposing on your mother is less important than divorce, don't you think ?

 

It might also seem unimportant, but you guys need to unpack in the house.

An unfinished house is depressing at the very least (i was raised in one for 7yrs).

[stillafool]

Let me also add that my husband does want me to rub him all the time and give him all this attention but I usually don't give it to him. He wants that but not sex. And he wants me to be the one rubbing him and giving him all the affection.

 

I think this is because you give most of your attention to the children and he wants the same affection. I agree with WWIU that you need to express your feelings to him. I also think you need to answer Radu's questions if only to yourself. All of that plays a part in your marriage.

[oldshirt]

I'm a guy and I can totally relate to your husband rolling over and giving you the brush off. He has a role in this too and he bares some of the responsibility of fixing this too and he is not off the hook either so don't get upset with me or defensive.

 

So let me see if I am getting this straight. You have been giving him the brush off for a year even though he has been asking for some of your attention and has even done so by not pressuring you for sex, and now two days ago you decided that you are going to bless him with some sex because you are afraid your relationship is going into the toilet and you are concerned he may turn to others for comfort and you are shocked that he didn't just jump for joy at the thought of sex???

 

Yes, your relationship HAS suffered. You two have allowed yourselves to become disconnected and no longer in tune with each other.

 

An affair or potential for an affair is a legitimate concern (even though it may not have actually occured yet)

 

You have had a lot of major things going on your life and it is very realistic that all that stress and change has taken a toll on your relationship.

 

This may not just be quick fix by just spreading your legs and having him jump for it like a puppy jumping for a doggy-treat. You both may need to put in some actual effort and sincerity into reestablishing some connection and rapport with each other.

 

I aggree with the others that said you need to open up and talk to him about wanting to reestablish some connection and that will involve coming clean that you realize that you have been basically closing him off and giving him the short end of the stick.

 

Also everything you two discuss is going to have to be backed up with actions and behaviors. Yes sexuality plays a huge major role with men's health and happyness in a relationship but men of quality and strength aren't puppets on a string that you just dangle a little pontang in front of when you feel the whim to manipulate him into sticking around for your benifit. If he is a man of quality and you are sincere about wanting to have him in your life and involved in raising his family together with you, you are going to have to be sincere and legitimate in this and not just offer him a few yum-yums every year or so to shut him up and keep him around.

 

If I was your husband I would be more than a little offended if I had been ignored and brushed off for a year and now one night you offer some goody-bits and think that I am going to just sit up and wag my tail and dance a jig and think that it's all going to be better now. That just smacks of manipulation and if there's one thing a man of quality and character hates it's being manipulated.

 

You are going to have to make a committment to be engaged with him and to maintain a connection with him as a man and a wife and not just as co-parents that help with the babysitting.

 

You sound as if you are both very committed and caring parents so I'll put this in child-rearing terms. The best things that parents can provide for the safety, healthy and prosperity of their children is a functional, supportive, loving and committed two-parent household.

 

The most destructive thing for young children is a broken, dysfunctional home with animosity, manipulation and disillusionment as it's primary themes.

 

In other words the happier and healthier and more secure you two are as husband and wife, the better off your kids will be. The more disconnected, disenfranchised and dysfunctional you two are as a couple the worse off your kids will be.

 

Putting all your (and by "your" I mean the BOTH of you) attentions, affections and time and energy into the kids and neglecting your spouse is ultimately doing the kids more harm in the long run.

 

Bottom line to all this is, what you are trying to do is the right thing and it is admirable and commendable that you are recognizing the dangers and the need,, but it is going to take some work and effort on both of your parts to reestablish some connection and not just offering a night or two numm-numms every year or so.

[fucpcg]

/\ nailed it.

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi Sunflower. Nothing to do but communicate and escalate this to establish the truth. There is a syndrome where some guys get turned off to sex after child birth but no sex from a man for a year is extreme. He needs to fess up.

[The Blue Knight]

Something isn't right. I know that men who see the delivery of the baby are sometimes turned off and don't see their wives as a sex symbol for some time. I don't know if that's the case here. Personally, that never bothered me. I saw my wife give birth and it made me see her in a "motherly light" and I seemed to have a built-in "leave her alone" monitor in my head for about 30-days after the birth at which time it lapsed and I was again in the mood.

[Sunflower22]

Thanks everyone for your comments. So I had a conversation w. ith my husband about this situation. I explained to him my concerns and he replied by saying that he loves me and that he is happy in our marriage and that it's not all just for the kids but that it's cause he loves me. He said that he is literally so physically exhausted between work and taking care of the kids that at night he just wants to sleep. He said he would like to have sex if we could get some time to ourselves without him being exhausted. He does help me with the kids every night and works everyday. When he is home he does all our sons night feedings and he says that he often gets little sleep. It is true that he often falls asleep in our sons rocking chair which he says is not that comfortable. He is a great father for sure, he is very involved. When I ask him about divorce he says it bothers him for me to bring that up that divorce is not an option. But according to him it's an insult for me to ask him if he's cheating. He says it upsets him that I would even look at him that way. How does a guy act when he's cheating?

 

Thanks

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks everyone for your comments. So I had a conversation w. ith my husband about this situation. I explained to him my concerns and he replied by saying that he loves me and that he is happy in our marriage and that it's not all just for the kids but that it's cause he loves me. He said that he is literally so physically exhausted between work and taking care of the kids that at night he just wants to sleep. He said he would like to have sex if we could get some time to ourselves without him being exhausted. He does help me with the kids every night and works everyday. When he is home he does all our sons night feedings and he says that he often gets little sleep. It is true that he often falls asleep in our sons rocking chair which he says is not that comfortable. He is a great father for sure, he is very involved. When I ask him about divorce he says it bothers him for me to bring that up that divorce is not an option. But according to him it's an insult for me to ask him if he's cheating. He says it upsets him that I would even look at him that way. How does a guy act when he's cheating?

 

Thanks

Your husband sounds like the woman in the relationship. I've seen women use that line (bold above) nearly word for word. First time I think I've seen a guy use it.

 

A guy who is cheating would be absent at times and unaccountable for those periods of time (working late nights, have to run somewhere, working over the weekend).

 

I hate to say this because I'm going to sound harsh by blurting this out but your husband is being a ninny . . . I put in 12 hour days at work with a 90 minute commute to work and back and often on 5 hours sleep I'm raring to go when I see my wife. Guess what? Yeah, I'm often tired . . . but not too tired for nocturnal activities.

[Sunflower22]

Yes, I agree!! He works from home And gets little exercise so I think this is affecting him. For the others questions I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight of 107 although it was a little tougher to get there the second time around. Although I am fitting into all my old clothes and weight back down I'm sure my body is not what it was before I had kids. My mom says I look good and trust me she'd tell me the truth. So I don't think weight is an issue. I still take care of myself getting hair and nails done regularly. I workout when I can but that's been a little difficult cause I feel guilty when I leave the kids. And he wants me home rather than working out. That was an issue when I was trying to loose the baby weight. He kept saying who cares about the weight stay home with your family. However I'm not one of those who can let myself go. I would just be miserable if I did that.

[The Blue Knight]

Yes, I agree!! He works from home And gets little exercise so I think this is affecting him. For the others questions I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight of 107 although it was a little tougher to get there the second time around. Although I am fitting into all my old clothes and weight back down I'm sure my body is not what it was before I had kids. My mom says I look good and trust me she'd tell me the truth. So I don't think weight is an issue. I still take care of myself getting hair and nails done regularly. I workout when I can but that's been a little difficult cause I feel guilty when I leave the kids. And he wants me home rather than working out. That was an issue when I was trying to loose the baby weight. He kept saying who cares about the weight stay home with your family. However I'm not one of those who can let myself go. I would just be miserable if I did that.

See, even that's weird flower. I'd want my wife working out because it means she's taking care of herself. You're doing all the extras like hair and nails. That's awesome to hear. Too many women (and men) who are married a few years just blow off keeping themselves up.

 

If you're 107 lbs you're probably in "hot shape" unless you're 4'01. Then, maybe not so hot. So there's no reason for him to not be ripping your clothes off at night.

 

And kids!! I've got my own brood, and it's never interfered with my libido.

 

I'm thinking your hubby doesn't appreciate what he has. A woman who is concerned with looking good for him and goes to the ultimate to stay attractive.

 

What his problem is, I'm not sure. Something's not right. That much I know.

 

Did you ever answer the question about him being present and viewing the childbirth? Just wondering. Although that shouldn't impact him four months after the birth even if that was the problem.

[Radu]

I think the 1yr dryspell might have affected him.

 

Who's ideea was it to not have sex during 2nd or 3rd trimester ?

 

Also if he had an affair, depending on your living accomodations, working from home would be the ideal job setting ... so to speak.

 

It could be he has a medical condition and drains his energy, or that he still hasn't adjusted to the night feedings ... or that he has trouble going back to sleep after the feeding. You will know this better than we do.

 

PS: Don't take the above question as pointing blame or anything.

[Feelin Frisky]

Something isn't right. I know that men who see the delivery of the baby are sometimes turned off and don't see their wives as a sex symbol for some time. I don't know if that's the case here. Personally, that never bothered me. I saw my wife give birth and it made me see her in a "motherly light" and I seemed to have a built-in "leave her alone" monitor in my head for about 30-days after the birth at which time it lapsed and I was again in the mood.

 

Ha, you made me think of this conversation I heard between two bosses at work a long time ago. One said "how soon after child birth can I have sex with my wife?" and the other replied "depends if she's in a ward or a private room".

[giotto]

I've done you sunflower's husband is doing with the kids. I've done it with 4 of them. I was pretty tired, working all day and getting up for the feed at night. I still wanted a lot of sex! With all the kids I waited 3 months after the birth and we hardly had any during pregnancy (apart from the second trimester). But people are different and have different sex drives...

[giotto]

Don't know if you're male or female, but WHERE are you getting your MISinformation that all women are supposedly "horny" in their 2nd and 3rd trimester? Just because YOU were (or your wife) you think everyone is like that?

 

You need to widen your narrow world view. :laugh:

 

my wife, in fact, seemed to be hornier in the second trimester, but still we had sex like twice...

[findingnemo]

When someone is rejected for months on end, they could get turned off sex altogether. They decide to stop thinking about it or find it elsewhere. Elsewhere could be an A or what I consider a worse mistress, PORN. Then when their spouse is back in form, it isn't that easy for them to just switch back.

 

Your H is giving excuses. Granted he's tired and all that but that's never been a reason not have sex. Maybe one can't have an all night session but sex in some form is very possible. You mentioned him sitting home all day without exercise. Encourage him to join a gym. There's nothing that works wonders on libido, IME, as exercise. Also check that porn isn't the real problem here...or self pleasure.

[giotto]

When someone is rejected for months on end, they could get turned off sex altogether. They decide to stop thinking about it or find it elsewhere. Elsewhere could be an A or what I consider a worse mistress, PORN. Then when their spouse is back in form, it isn't that easy for them to just switch back.

 

Your H is giving excuses. Granted he's tired and all that but that's never been a reason not have sex. Maybe one can't have an all night session but sex in some form is very possible. You mentioned him sitting home all day without exercise. Encourage him to join a gym. There's nothing that works wonders on libido, IME, as exercise. Also check that porn isn't the real problem here...or self pleasure.

 

well, a woman can be tired and refuse sex and not a man? Well, there you go! Seems to me that, when the roles are reversed, the man gets no sympathy (he must be having an affair and/or is addicted to porn), whilst for the woman there are always thousands of understandable reasons.

 

Having said that, it's more likely an excuse. If you turn down your husband for almost a year, he will grow resentful, to the point of possibly falling out of love. To be honest, we have sex one a month/3 weeks and right now I'd rather do without... I had to "emasculate" myself to survive and disrupting this defense mechanism is just too painful. I want to cancel sex from my mind and get to a peaceful place in my life. The OP's husband might be experiencing the same. Who knows...

[tomswife]

I'm a guy and I can totally relate to your husband rolling over and giving you the brush off. He has a role in this too and he bares some of the responsibility of fixing this too and he is not off the hook either so don't get upset with me or defensive.

 

So let me see if I am getting this straight. You have been giving him the brush off for a year even though he has been asking for some of your attention and has even done so by not pressuring you for sex, and now two days ago you decided that you are going to bless him with some sex because you are afraid your relationship is going into the toilet and you are concerned he may turn to others for comfort and you are shocked that he didn't just jump for joy at the thought of sex???

 

Yes, your relationship HAS suffered. You two have allowed yourselves to become disconnected and no longer in tune with each other.

 

An affair or potential for an affair is a legitimate concern (even though it may not have actually occured yet)

 

You have had a lot of major things going on your life and it is very realistic that all that stress and change has taken a toll on your relationship.

 

This may not just be quick fix by just spreading your legs and having him jump for it like a puppy jumping for a doggy-treat. You both may need to put in some actual effort and sincerity into reestablishing some connection and rapport with each other.

 

I aggree with the others that said you need to open up and talk to him about wanting to reestablish some connection and that will involve coming clean that you realize that you have been basically closing him off and giving him the short end of the stick.

 

Also everything you two discuss is going to have to be backed up with actions and behaviors. Yes sexuality plays a huge major role with men's health and happyness in a relationship but men of quality and strength aren't puppets on a string that you just dangle a little pontang in front of when you feel the whim to manipulate him into sticking around for your benifit. If he is a man of quality and you are sincere about wanting to have him in your life and involved in raising his family together with you, you are going to have to be sincere and legitimate in this and not just offer him a few yum-yums every year or so to shut him up and keep him around.

 

If I was your husband I would be more than a little offended if I had been ignored and brushed off for a year and now one night you offer some goody-bits and think that I am going to just sit up and wag my tail and dance a jig and think that it's all going to be better now. That just smacks of manipulation and if there's one thing a man of quality and character hates it's being manipulated.

 

You are going to have to make a committment to be engaged with him and to maintain a connection with him as a man and a wife and not just as co-parents that help with the babysitting.

 

You sound as if you are both very committed and caring parents so I'll put this in child-rearing terms. The best things that parents can provide for the safety, healthy and prosperity of their children is a functional, supportive, loving and committed two-parent household.

 

The most destructive thing for young children is a broken, dysfunctional home with animosity, manipulation and disillusionment as it's primary themes.

 

In other words the happier and healthier and more secure you two are as husband and wife, the better off your kids will be. The more disconnected, disenfranchised and dysfunctional you two are as a couple the worse off your kids will be.

 

Putting all your (and by "your" I mean the BOTH of you) attentions, affections and time and energy into the kids and neglecting your spouse is ultimately doing the kids more harm in the long run.

 

Bottom line to all this is, what you are trying to do is the right thing and it is admirable and commendable that you are recognizing the dangers and the need,, but it is going to take some work and effort on both of your parts to reestablish some connection and not just offering a night or two numm-numms every year or so.

I am a wife and I agree with eveything you said!

[The Blue Knight]

Ha, you made me think of this conversation I heard between two bosses at work a long time ago. One said "how soon after child birth can I have sex with my wife?" and the other replied "depends if she's in a ward or a private room".

 

That's funny. A truer statement would have been it depends on when she's ready to see you without your clothes on again. For a lot of men who have posted here, that's a very long time.

[giotto]

That's funny. A truer statement would have been it depends on when she's ready to see you without your clothes on again. For a lot of men who have posted here, that's a very long time.

 

I could see her breasts when she was breastfeeding, but not touch...

[Bellechica]

Sunflower, it's good you are discussing this with your H. After the first few years of my M and after kids, I have mostly been in a sexless M. I've been with my H almost twenty years including the three years we dated.

I mostly just ignored the problem as both my H and I avoid conflict....well I never thought I would have an A but I did...two in fact. I wish I had sought MC for the sex issue early in our M because I might not have ended up in the sh*thole I created.

You have to decide if you are willing to live this way? I've now had a discussion with my H about sex and he says he feels like I pressure him too much and that it is pressure to preform.

I have backed off without getting huffy and pouty, and we have at least had sex a few times but now it's weird for me since I don't feel like myself anymore since the A.

If I were you I would see a sex therapist...

I wish you luck with this.

I think Old guy's post has some merit. Very well said

[The Blue Knight]

I could see her breasts when she was breastfeeding, but not touch...

 

You're always funny giotto. It's a tragic kind of funny, but at least you can find some humor in your situation.

[The Blue Knight]

You have to decide if you are willing to live this way? I've now had a discussion with my H about sex and he says he feels like I pressure him too much and that it is pressure to preform.

 

I have backed off without getting huffy and pouty, and we have at least had sex a few times but now it's weird for me since I don't feel like myself anymore since the A.

 

One predictable result of you telling your husband Belle will be a lot of sex at home. Seems to be standard operating practice after the affair comes to light.