Tips for younger generation before marriage?

[FightClub]

Reading some of the threads on this section are quite interesting.

 

I have a question, more of a general question for married partners here, what would you advise someone who is younger, in terms of marriage, the waiting period, finding the right person, what to expect, etc.

 

Just some general advice for someone who is interested in learning.

 

-FC

[somedude81]

Get a good prenup.

[findingnemo]

Treat the business of getting married like getting a new business partner. Do some due diligence and figure out who this person really is, how he/she treats the people they love and how they acted in their last R.

 

Finally, do a test run and never, ever, ever be desperate to get M.

[TaraMaiden]

1:

go on a pre-marriage workshop, to discover where you're compatible, where you're different, what your individual ideals are, what you both expect form yourselves and each other, how to best communicate, how to resolve issues, how to grow together.

 

2:

only get married when you absolutely, definitely, unarguably, indisputably know this is the person for you.

[frozensprouts]

find out as much as you can about yourself and what you want out of life before you get into a serious relationship. That way, you'll know what you are looking for before "love" clouds your judgement.

[GoodOnPaper]

1. Early on, learn to recognize signs of manipulation and unequal interest levels. These things aren't "normal" but if you aren't very experienced at dating, the overwhelming emotions and hormones of your first dating/relationship experiences can convince you otherwise.

 

2. If you struggle to attract partners, it can become easy to think that you can make do with just about anyone who seems really into you. It doesn't work that way. You need to want your partner as much as she wants you. (And be sure that she wants you just as much as you want her . . .)

 

3. High school --> college --> post-graduate school/training (if any) --> the "real world" are all HUGE life-changing transitions. If your search for love isn't working out at one stage, don't panic -- going to the next stage will wipe the slate clean. Even if things aren't working out as well as you'd like in the "real world", you'll have more things going on beyond your social life (or lack thereof) -- try to enjoy your independence as you continue searching!

[zengirl]

I am the younger generation, but here's what I know.

 

Understand that love is one component of marriage, not the totality of it or reason enough (alone) to get married. At the same time, love is essential.

 

Plan outloud and together. Don't think, "Oh, we'll work it out along the way." You'll have do that anyway. It's better to be prepared for what you can.

 

Newlywed still, so we'll see how it works for me.

[xxoo]

never, ever, ever be desperate to get M.

 

only get married when you absolutely, definitely, unarguably, indisputably know this is the person for you.

 

Can't emphasize this point enough!

 

About finding the right person, I believe the grand-parental wisdom that you'll "just know". When there is deep love, attraction, connection, and you work together well as a team, and you want to be family, forever, you'll just know. It can't be forced.

 

But take enough time to be past the honeymoon period before you conclude these things Given a year or two, it should be evident how well you each deal with conflict, problem solve together, express negative feelings, etc. If you've gone through some stresses together, and come out stronger, that is a good sign!

[setsenia]

I got married at 19, don't regret it as I'm with an amazing man who treats me well and spoils me. I honestly don't deserve it sometimes. He's good to me and I have to admit we still have our issues.

 

I know most aren't ready for marriage at that age. First thing to ask yourself is "Do I see myself with them forever?" If you want children someday, also ask yourself "Do I want this person to be the mother/father of my children? Would they make a good mother/father?"

 

I also noticed people tend to be married or together awhile before they discussed what they really wanted out of life. Do they or do they not want kids? Have they or do they plan to go to college to make a good stable living?

 

I've noticed time and time again, these things can lead to a divorce. One wants kids, the other doesn't. One person wants to travel, go to college, have a great career, while the other is simply satisfied being home-bound and living modestly. The problem is, most people do not know what they want at a young age. I am 22 and feel several years older emotionally, because I had to grow up at a young age. I've always been mature, responsible, never partied or did drugs. Hardly drink. I think most young adults go through that trial and error phase before they mature.

[StoneCold]

Heres some advice......don't do it

 

Why? Well........ its just not a good bet

 

When things are good in a marriage they are not bad...but when they are bad its hell on earth. Further, there is nothing marriage can do for you that you couldnt get in another form; you dont need to be married to be happy or fulfilled....marriage is not the be all and end all.

 

So when you get married you risk the very real possibility (40-50% divorce rate) of getting into a very bad situation for the chance of acheiving reasonable happiness that could have been obtained without marriage.

 

Lastly, people on this thread are telling you to look for this sign and that sign that would indicate a bad partnership. Ok what if you dont see anything and everything checks out.....is this how it will be 5-10-15-25 years from now? (because marriage is supposed to be "forever" right?). The problem is with time things change....and the changes can be quite drastic. You could be doing your homework till you're blue in the face and theres still no way to know who this person will be 10 years from now.......you two may be off in two totally different directions....and/or very unhappy

 

 

I just dont see the advantages as worth the risk. Unfortunately I had to get married first to see all of this so much clearer

[GorillaTheater]

A Fairy Tale:

 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

 

The Princess said, “NO!”

 

So the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny big chested blonds and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard b*tching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was really cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

 

The End

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think it matters one way or the other how old you are...people marry in later years of their life and it STILL doesn't work out. The only correlation I would think is that younger individuals have not reached the maturity level to deal with serious problems that can occur in a marriage. But then again, adults may not neccessarily have that maturity level either!

 

Of course there are those "red flags" that may cause issues in marriage like:

 

a) addiction and/or mental illness

b) history of cheating

c) history of lying

d) abusive behavior

 

These behaviors (even if the person is committed to changing them) easily can reoccur and cause future issues.

 

IMO the most important thing to remember prior to entering a marriage is that the goal CANNOT be to change your partner in any way. It can be little things even. If you marry them knowing that they snore like crazy, don't expect them to suddenly change that behavior and even WANT to.

 

I don't believe that there are absolutely NO signs of future problematic behaviors, usually people are just blinded by love and chose to ignore them. But IF someone were to just suddenly "change," most people feel it's just easier to divorce then actually putting in time and effort to save the marriage.

[setsenia]

Exactly, Lauriebell. My coworker's husband has actually filed for a separation after 40 years of marriage. It's unbelievable, but not impossible. It happens and you're right, age doesn't always matter. Sometimes couples grow apart and sometimes things like infidelity will break up a marriage.

[xxoo]

When things are good in a marriage they are not bad..

 

A good marriage can be an enormous blessing.

 

A Fairy Tale:

 

That was quite a Fairy Tale!

[StoneCold]

A good marriage can be an enormous blessing.

 

 

 

 

 

So can a good friendship or relationship..... dont need to be married for any of that

[xxoo]

So can a good friendship or relationship..... dont need to be married for any of that

 

True, but a couple who builds a life together, married or not, risks a messy break up.

 

There is potential for both increased joy and pain as the lives merge.

[Eddie Edirol]

Dont marry a woman into a lie because you know you will lose her if you dont want to give her children.... lol

[bentnotbroken]

1)DO NOT MARRY before you are at least 25 years old.

 

2)Learn to love yourself before you can love someone else.

 

3)Don't look for someone to "complete" you because if you do they will just be getting someone broken.

 

4)COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE...do not just talk. Communication requires listening as well.

 

5)Don't look for a 50/50 relationship because that is never going to happen. Go into knowing that 100% from each person is required to make a marriage strong.

 

6) Don't treat marriage or the vows that go with it as a joke, Hollywood drama or a retreat from being single. Take it seriously.

 

7)Don't take abuse of any kind(this is coming from a recovering abuser). Get help or get out. Don't feed that demon.

 

8)Find time to be a couple, not just married.

 

9)Lift your partner, edify them, speak words of kindness and hope into their lives. Show them what a loving spouse is for them to mirror. Slinging mud just makes both of you nasty and in some cases funky.

 

10) If you must leave your relationship for whatever reason, LEAVE IT FIRST BEFORE YOU SCREW THE POOCH.

 

That is all.

[norajane]

Whatever problems you have now in the relationship will only get worse if you marry without resolving them.

 

Pay very, very close attention to how you resolve problems together. If you have never had any problems, you probably haven't been together long enough to get married.

 

Date for at least a couple of years before deciding to get married. You want to make sure the initial infatuation has worn off and you are seeing each other without the rose-colored glasses and in a real way. It will be too late if the rose-colored glasses come off after you are married and you realize you've made a lifetime commitment to someone you actually aren't compatible with or don't particularly like or respect as a person.

 

And once you do get married, don't make the mistake of thinking your spouse is obligated to do or be the person you want them to be. Your spouse is an individual and was not born and raised to be your perfect partner. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, beliefs, feelings, fears, etc. FIND OUT what those are and whether you can accept them BEFORE marriage!

 

And Pay Attention to red flags! Those do not ever lie, and will bite you in the ass if you ignore them because you are in luuuuuuv.

[TaraMaiden]

A Fairy Tale:

 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

 

The Princess said, “NO!”

 

 

Oh look, ask me again, I was having a bad day.....

[StoneCold]

True, but a couple who builds a life together, married or not, risks a messy break up.

 

There is potential for both increased joy and pain as the lives merge.

 

 

Yeah but the legalities surrounding marriage when things go south...... is unique to marriage

[CarrieT]

1)DO NOT MARRY before you are at least 25 years old.

 

I was going to say - wait until your 30s at least.

 

I am a firm believer in the Saturn Return theory and believe that we don't "gel" into who we are as adults until our 30s. I was told about it when I was in my mid-20s and pooh-pooh'd the concept. Then I looked back at who I was in my 20s from my 30s and desperately wished I had waited to get married.

[standtall]

I wouldn't be asking people on this forum. Most of them have experienced a failed marriage..that is why they are here. Go to a website that centers around long term successful marriages and ask them.

[The Blue Knight]

Wow, you asked the $10,000 question everyone wants to know before getting married. There's far too much to consider that I could possibly cover but here's a few off the top of my head.

 

Having been in one marriage in which my wife was very overly dramatic; very high maintenance; very stubborn and set in her ways; needed constant reaffirming; had difficulties with being content; and needed to be entertained often with "new stuff" in her life . . . and having been remarried to someone who is very low maintenance; doesn't require much more than just quality time together, and little more, I can tell you don't get into a relationship with someone who is a maintenance issue. You'll regret it and that type of person will wear you down.

 

Look for compatibility and commonality. You don't have to agree on everything. But you should have a majority of values in common. You both should also be healthy enough psychologically to be able to carry on independent lives as necessary but at the same time, both of you MUST put each other first and foremost for the marriage to be successful. The way you treat each other in courtship and dating is the same way you both should strive to treat one another throughout the relationship. Marriage isn't 50-50 give and take as you often hear. It's give 90% and take 10% and that's a formula for a great marriage.

 

Apathy and taking your spouse for granted is a marriage destroyer. Not valuing them or what they think or feel is a marriage breaker. Value your spouse above all things. Love them even when you don't feel particularly loving. The Bible says "don't let the sun go down on your anger" and this is an important rule for a successful marriage. Embrace and kiss each day. Keep the marriage alive and interesting.

 

Make sure you both discuss important decisions ahead of the marriage such as career intentions; vices of concern such as alcohol consumption; number of children desired; sexual interests and practices; medical and psychological issues which may have to be dealt with for a lifetime such as the common marriage derailer - depression. ALL of these these are things that if not pre-thought out can become major issues later.

[The Blue Knight]

I wouldn't be asking people on this forum. Most of them have experienced a failed marriage..that is why they are here. Go to a website that centers around long term successful marriages and ask them.

 

True to some degree but then those of us who have been in failed marriages or experienced cheating spouses can also tell you what mistakes NOT to make. Wise people learn from their mistakes and move on to better decision making.