A game made me question everything.

[Nocturnal]

I'm not entirely certain how to go about explaining this without making me sound insane. Ever read a book, watch a movie/documentary or something that somhow completely shattered your image of something and hving you call into question things you thought you knew?

 

I recently played (or more accirately read) through a game where the main focus was the build up and turmoil surrounding love. As the game ended I was in tears, both due to the joyful ending of a partly tragic story but also because the love they portrayed I have never experienced. Closing the game felt as waking up from a great dream only to be faced with the harsh reality.

 

In a few weeka I'm getting married to a wonderful woman, yet now it feels as though I am giving up on pure strong warm sense of love. Instead I have something that works. "Good enough". Or maybe I am just overwhelmed by emotion that it clouds my judgement. I can't tell. Am I settling for something? Am I too afraid to go my own path? I read the number one regret of the dying is not doing things more your own way instead of how others wished you to walk.

 

I had to write something to get it out of my head.

[norajane]

Has your love ever been tested? Have you gone through a personal tragedy or significant problem where your fiance had an opportunity to show you the quality of her love through her support? Have you ever done that for her?

 

You won't always know what kind of love you have developed together until it is tested by circumstances or life events. Would you be there for her through a tragedy? Would she be there for you? Do you think your love would be helpful and supportive, or just "good enough" in tough times?

[Nocturnal]

She would walk over fire for me, her love for me is something I never questioned as she makes every effort to show it. Sure, she's a bit jealous and we don't always see eye to eye but there is no doubt in my mind she would carry me through tragedy if needed.

 

I, however, am beginning to question my own dedication. And whether or not I love or just have convinced myself that is the case. I've never been good with emotions, and I've ended up in relationships before just due to just.. I don't know, it just happened due to no major action of my own. This game gave me emotional resonance to the point where I feel more emotions regarding the fate of fictional characters than how the day was for my soon to be wife. And that begs the question; do I really know what love is? Or do I just 'act' it because that's the role I've been assigned?

 

I feel emotionally inexperienced.

[JazzyFox]

Nocturnal, while I can not relate to the game parallel you refer to, I can certainly relate to your comment on emotional inexperience.

 

I too feel ill-equipped to handle the roller-coaster of a loving relationship. In fact, the notion of love is often perplexing to me. Every day, I see a different facet to my love and I'm never quite sure which is the "true" perspective.

 

I equate it, somewhat and in a bad analogy, to the multiple facets of a diamond. Some days, it seems like our love is more of a "partnership", almost a business relationship, where we are both contributing different things to the relationship. At those times, my love for him is based on his appreciation for my contribution, and my adoration for his special skills or talents.

 

On other days, our love is more of "affection", where we both just fall into each others arms (physically or metaphysically) and it seems that the facet is more of comfort. On some days, our love is just pure passion and physical chemistry. And on other days, it seems like our love is more unbalanced, sometimes even "therapist-patient" where one of us is "helping" the other through a particular challenge or issue.

 

There are days where I will get a glimpse of more than one facet. There are days where our relationship seems more "mechanical" and I lose sight of how precious he is to me. There are days where I don't feel like I am "living up to" his standard of love. There have been times where I wonder "what could have been" if we had not decided to be together.

 

Many of the questions that you wonder about, I also wondered about in the weeks before we were married. Marriage is a commitment that should not be taken lightly.

 

Relationships are complicated, and while I am still emotionally inexperienced, I also see that they evolve through time. We, as individuals, and as a couple, also evolve through time.

 

I would say that if you have the basic foundations of great communication and physical chemistry, then you probably have the elements of success. I know that this is what made me calm down any fears I had. I would meditate at night, while I was wrapped in his arms, and ask myself if there was anywhere else I would rather be. And everytime, I came to the same conclusion.

 

So, on my wedding day, I said "I do" with the conviction that I was the luckiest lady in the world, and that I would do everything I could, to make this a successful marriage.

 

I know. Not a perfect answer. Not an "emotionally experienced" answer. But it's my perspective.