Torn in two

[1Saintsfan]

I am new to this and have been searching for someone who may be in the same boat as me, but so far have not found anything. Some history first...I have been married for nearly 11 yrs. Our marriage isn't necessarily a bad marriage either. This is my 2nd and his 3rd. We have 4 kids, 2 are mine (19 and 16) and 2 are his (16 and 13). The three oldest live with us, the younger lives with her mother over 700 miles away. He is 11 yrs older than me and I have at times in our history wondered if I married him more as a father figure than anything else. (I grew up without my father in my life, my 1st husband was 15 yrs older)

 

My husband is a great guy, good sense of humor, has loved my kids as his own, works hard to support us all, does his best to make us all happy, and I love all these things about him. But we have no Emotional Intimacy and I have tried now for years to fix this, we even went to counseling where he said he understood what I meant but here we are a year later and nothing has changed in that area. Our other problem (partially stemming from this) is that I have no sexual desire for my husband. I used to be able to "work" myself up to it but for the last year that has gotten harder to do. Before we went to counseling he was ready to leave because of the sex issue. He pretty much told me that the reason he married me is for sex and that it entitles him to have it whenever he wants. I have recently discovered that I can NOT get over learning this, it makes me not want to even more. I also used to think that I was just having a problem with a low sex drive, but then 3 months ago found out that was not the case. I NEVER thought I would cheat on my husband, I thought I took our marriage vows seriously but I have been sexually involved with another man lately. I am now so confused and torn. I realize now that our marriage isn't really a marriage anymore but am not sure if I should leave yet. I don't see any hope for the future and I would not be leaving him for the other man, he is married also, and it is more of a "friends with benefits" relationship than anything. My reason for staying, and I'm just not sure if it's fair to any of us, is my husbands daughter who moved in with us 18 months ago. She has had a lot of upheaval in her life and has struggled with it immensely, she's been through counseling and all and right now seems to be doing really well. I love his kids as much as my own and I am afraid of what it would do to her. She is very close with my youngest son, so she would feel a strain there also. I am so torn in two over what to do, I know the right thing to do is just to end it but when I came to that realization it really saddened me too. I really don't have a reason to leave other than knowing there's no future for us. But not sure if I really have a reason to stay either...

[BrighterDaze]

It looks like you are not only in a sexless marriage, but a loveless one. You cheated and want to stay for his child? Is this right? I am not sure how this arrangement helps anyone who lives in that home, especially a broken child.

 

I am not a fan of cheating. Although it is difficult, it is important to work ON the marriage, not OUTSIDE of it. Cheating solves nothing. In fact, it leads to more heartache and guilt.

 

You may do better talking with him about what you both want for the future of this marriage. It seems like it is time to stop ignoring that 700 lb gorilla in the room and make some real decisions. Cheating is never the answer.