carra Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 hi, i have a situation with my husband i would like some advice on. i have been with him for 3 1/2 years, married for 1 and 3 mo. i am 22 and he is 22. we both grew up in stressfull, unhappy homes. i'm telling u this for background info. anyway, while we were dating he broke up w/me twice, because he thought i needed to mature more, which hurt me alot, but i have tried to let that go. now we are married and seperated, because he claims he doesn't love me anymore, we're not compatible, he's too stressed from us fighting. i believe our problems are communication. i try to discuss my needs, like i would like him to be more empathetic, but he replies with the excuse of him being a guy, and he is not supposed to be sensitive, so he calls me too sensitive or selfish. i cannot discuss a problem w/ him w/o us fighting or me crying from frustration. i would like us to receive counceling, but he doesn't want to. i know deep down he still loves me, i think we are both just frustrated and hurt. has anyone ben in a similar situation, and what would u do? for now, i'm just leaving him alone, it has only been three days since seperated. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 When I first got married, my husband and I had some huge communication problems, and we would often end up in verbal fights. I use to think it was our personalities clashing, but I found out that it was our sexes clashing. I've read everything I could on improving communication. But what was most beneficial was not just learning how to communicate, but how to communicate effectively with the opposite sex. Men and women communicate differently, and we my husband would often expect me to take things he say like a guy would and not get all emotional or whatever, and I would talk to him about emotional things and he just couldn't relate. I read this book called "Understanding Men and Women for Dummies" and it helped alot. Whatever I read about men I would ask my husband if it were true that they really thought like that or felt like that and he would agree. So I learned how to communicate with him better and take his make up into consideration. Now usually when you do that, you'll find that they'll respond to you more the way that you want them to. But somebody has to take the first step, and why not let it be you? So while you're in your separation, learn all that you can on how to communicate with him better, and if you do, hopefully that may change things around for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
divahelp Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 I've heard it many times - "we're just not compatible". If you were that incompatible, you wouldn't have been attracted to each other in the first place. Everyone is different though, and men and women are certainly different. And you certainly find out new things after you are married and living together for a while. Compatibility is what you make of it. Give to each other and learn to enjoy each others interests. It's not a bad thing to be different. Each person brings certain strengths and weaknesses to the marriage. You have to learn how to use these differences in a positive way instead of negative. Marriage is a life-long committment to each other. Not something to enter into lightly. And it takes work by both people to make it function properly. You need to get into some counseling together if possible. If he won't go, you can't force him, but you can still go. It seems that you have a big problem in communicating and conflict management. You can work on these yourself and then hopefully have an opportunity to work on it with him also. Here are some helpful websites also: <URL removed> http://www.divorcebusting.com http://www.ourtimehas.com I hope you will look at these websites and find some helpful information for your situation. Give your husband some time to cool off a little and then try to calmly discuss your problems and how to work on them. Don't expect to fix this overnight, it will take some time. Link to post Share on other sites
carra Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 thanx guys, for your wisdom and support. my hubby doesn't want to make it work, he is soo frustrated and hurt. he told me he was numb and had to start all over w/ me again, like date me again, but not for a while. is there any hope to my marriage being restored, if he doesn't want it to be? i think if i leave him alone right now he will come around. anyone have any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
lexi Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 HI I was in a very similar situation and remember you can not force someone to try to work at a relationship if he does not want to save too. It takes both of you to make a relationship and I think you really would be better off trying to let the relationship go. You can rather be around friends and family who can help you through the pain and grievance. I was in denial for a long time trying so desperatly to hang on to someone who did not want to make the effort and no longer loved me. You are only hurting yourself. I know how it feels and yes every situation and relationship is unique but in time you will be gald that you can find someone who truly loves you and you will probably know more of what kind of man you are seeking and hopefully learn from your mistakes and what is acceptable to you in a relationship. Move on and give yourself time to heal and accept that this man no longer wants this relationship to work. Be strong girl, you desreve better! Lexi Link to post Share on other sites
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