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Love my wife, but not attracted to her.


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JeffWinger9

My story will probably raise a lot of eyebrows, cause a lot of eyeballs to roll, and make people judge me for being a selfish a****le. But, I've got to say this, and more importantly, I've got to get advice.

 

I'm 34. She's 33. We've been married for nearly 11 years and dated for 6 years before that. We were highschool sweethearts.

 

Needless to say, the sex was volcanic in the early years. Hours of foreplay, multiple orgasms, experimentation, you name it. Then marriage happened.

 

We slowed down drastically. The relationship was still healthy and the love was very much there. But, sex went down from everytime-we-met to a couple-times-a-month. Some attempts at having sex would even end up in a blame-match about who's responsible for the lack of it. My wife is somewhat short-tempered and not the kind of person who accepts fault easily.

 

In the years that followed, I realized that I began to turn down sex way more often than she did. And while my sex drive was very much in place, I just didn't want to do it with HER.

 

I can't explain what happened, but the following are factors that I think played into it.

1. I was pretty turned off by the risk of her flaring up if anything didn't go as expected.

2. As we grew older, her lazy side started to show. She has never taken up serious work, as I always earned enough through my business. I have always encouraged her to work and find gainful use of her time and talents, but she has never felt the need to do it.

3. She has consistently put on weight since we got married and after our 17 month old son was born, she hasn't bothered with hitting the gym to lose all that weight, except maybe a total of 15 days since giving birth.

Now she's physically unattractive. But, her attitude is a much bigger turnoff for me. And even talking of sex makes me very uncomfortable, as I don't want to have sex with her.

 

We seem to live our lives just fine without sex. But, it's a clearly dysfunctional relationship and the strain has begun to show itself quite a bit in our behaviour with each other, even when we're with a group of friends.

 

She probably very well realizes that I masturbate and I know she does too. She nags me about sex every now and then but it pisses me off all the more that she can keep expecting me to hold up my end of the deal, without any apparent effort from her side.

 

I've repeatedly hinted to her that her being so terribly overweight is a major turnoff. Since our early days together, I've always made my preference for lean women known to her.

 

Asking her to hit the gym with me or simply talking about losing weight always bring about a huge fight and is becoming a sore thumb between us. But, I don't see her doing anything about it. In fact she hasn't been very supportive of my own running habit and is the main reason I gave up running the half marathons I ran on a yearly basis.

 

I don't want to leave my wife or break my family. But, I cannot continue to live in a relationship which is losing love on a daily basis. I want to fix this. I'm open to criticism, suggestions, analysis, anything.

 

There's a lot more I can write here to explain the situation further. But, I don't think any reader will be able to digest all that history at once.

 

But, I do know that our relationship needs help desperately, as lately I've found myself considering cheating (a lot). My sex drive is very healthy. I need to channel it right. Otherwise, either I'll explode or I'll destroy my family by cheating.

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Trade her in for a younger model and pay your child support. Obviously, she is not up to your standards.

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The central issue is failure to communicate effectively. The other issues are impossible to address without communication.

 

She nags and flares. You hint and avoid.

 

Have you tried marriage counseling?

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lonelyandfrustrated

How much heavier is she? Was the pregnancy rough? A normal healthy *average* pregnancy means gaining about 25 pounds, then losing about 9 of it during delivery (7lb baby, 2lb of afterbirth). So is she a "normal" heavier of about 15 pounds, or something grossly unhealthy like 70 pounds?

 

How was she before the baby came along? Ideally, a woman is physically and emotionally back to normal 6-12 months after giving birth, but it can take up to two years. Hormones get all whacked out, sleep deprivation sets in, exhaustion...

 

Stop masturbating. You're providing your own sexual release, so you have no need of her. So stop it cold and see if you want to have sex with her when it is doing that, or doing without.

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Breezy Trousers
My story will probably raise a lot of eyebrows, cause a lot of eyeballs to roll, and make people judge me for being a selfish a****le. But, I've got to say this, and more importantly, I've got to get advice.

 

I'm 34. She's 33. We've been married for nearly 11 years and dated for 6 years before that. We were highschool sweethearts.

 

Needless to say, the sex was volcanic in the early years. Hours of foreplay, multiple orgasms, experimentation, you name it. Then marriage happened.

 

We slowed down drastically. The relationship was still healthy and the love was very much there. But, sex went down from everytime-we-met to a couple-times-a-month. Some attempts at having sex would even end up in a blame-match about who's responsible for the lack of it. My wife is somewhat short-tempered and not the kind of person who accepts fault easily.

 

In the years that followed, I realized that I began to turn down sex way more often than she did. And while my sex drive was very much in place, I just didn't want to do it with HER.

 

I can't explain what happened, but the following are factors that I think played into it.

1. I was pretty turned off by the risk of her flaring up if anything didn't go as expected.

2. As we grew older, her lazy side started to show. She has never taken up serious work, as I always earned enough through my business. I have always encouraged her to work and find gainful use of her time and talents, but she has never felt the need to do it.

3. She has consistently put on weight since we got married and after our 17 month old son was born, she hasn't bothered with hitting the gym to lose all that weight, except maybe a total of 15 days since giving birth.

Now she's physically unattractive. But, her attitude is a much bigger turnoff for me. And even talking of sex makes me very uncomfortable, as I don't want to have sex with her.

 

We seem to live our lives just fine without sex. But, it's a clearly dysfunctional relationship and the strain has begun to show itself quite a bit in our behaviour with each other, even when we're with a group of friends.

 

She probably very well realizes that I masturbate and I know she does too. She nags me about sex every now and then but it @#!*% me off all the more that she can keep expecting me to hold up my end of the deal, without any apparent effort from her side.

 

I've repeatedly hinted to her that her being so terribly overweight is a major turnoff. Since our early days together, I've always made my preference for lean women known to her.

 

Asking her to hit the gym with me or simply talking about losing weight always bring about a huge fight and is becoming a sore thumb between us. But, I don't see her doing anything about it. In fact she hasn't been very supportive of my own running habit and is the main reason I gave up running the half marathons I ran on a yearly basis.

 

I don't want to leave my wife or break my family. But, I cannot continue to live in a relationship which is losing love on a daily basis. I want to fix this. I'm open to criticism, suggestions, analysis, anything.

 

There's a lot more I can write here to explain the situation further. But, I don't think any reader will be able to digest all that history at once.

 

But, I do know that our relationship needs help desperately, as lately I've found myself considering cheating (a lot). My sex drive is very healthy. I need to channel it right. Otherwise, either I'll explode or I'll destroy my family by cheating.

 

 

The passion from the early stages of a relationship come from the excitement of new beginnings & the sense of insecurity. Familiarity will erode passion very quickly. This often happens with a long-term relationships if we're not attentive to intimacy. This malaise can happen with the most gorgeous, thin women -- and often does! (Hugh Grant cheating on Elizabeth Hurley comes to mind...) Also, power struggles can take the place for communication in marriage. Sounds like you're in a power struggle right now over the weight & workout issue. It's covering up something deeper, most likely.

 

Sex is not about the body. It's about the mind. When my husband had his first affair, I thought it was because I got a little chubby. I ran, lifted weights and got regular wolf whistles. His second intense affair was with a large girl. So much for that, lol. The newness of his affair suggested connection, intimacy & communication. But actually we rediscovered that in our own marriage after the infidelity was exposed. It takes connection, intimacy & communication to keep the passion alive, not a hot body or sex toys.

 

Please consider therapy or, at the very least, sitting down with your wife and talking to her. The fact that you're writing and open to suggestions is a good sign, actually. Your willingness is half the battle.

 

Your masturbation is understandable, but it's contributing to the problem in a huge way. You're taking care of yourself outside of the marriage. The next step can be cheating. You say you're already thinking of it. Cheating can become a highly addictive process. Don't underestimate the power of sex addiction. Like most addictions, sex addiction starts slowly and you need more "highs" to keep it going, so it slowly escalates and takes different, more risky forms.

 

I'm speaking from experience. This is how my husband's sex addiction began. He's been in recovery for 10 years and helps other men with the same issue. Many of these men are professional successes. Their sex addiction has devastated their families and marriages, often more than once. It's easier to avoid this path altogether than it is to turn off of it.

 

Cheating can devastate you and your family on levels you are completely unaware of --- until you experience it.

 

You don't need to cheat to be happy. That's a coward's way out. If you've tried everything -- therapy, communication -- to no avail, then get a divorce. Cheating hardens people. Please don't go there. It's the easy way out of your problem, but it's a short-lived solution. Even if an affair leads to another marriage (hypothetically speaking), you will face the same issue. That's guaranteed. So work on it now. You can overcome this issue with the right support. In the meantime, I recommend you read Susan Cheever's book, "Desire,' about how her affairs led to marriages which eerily began to resemble the first marriage by the fourth year. She had three divorces due to the very issues you're addressing.

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whichwayisup

Lay it all out on the line and be honest, tell her how you feel and why, yet you DO want to work through this and stay married.

 

Go to marriage counselling! Learn how to communicate with eachother and re capture the love and respect you once had for one another. Allowing resentments to build up (for both of you) and not putting in effort to keep the flame alive, feeling turned off and pissed off/fed up isn't good for the family unit. Others notice the energy isn't good between you two, so I'm sure your

kid(s) do as well.

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I agree. I also want to say you are a true man for identifying with this and not just running out with another woman. Cheating is not the answer. I do believe it will just cause more problems. Plus it sounds like you truly dont want to. (hormones talking) There is no orgasm worth the price of your family, IMO. I would definitely go to counseling. You both have to be able to admit there are problems and that you both want to work on them. I have heard counseling has turned marriages that were almost into divorce court totally around. It sounds like you want to invest in that and be honest to your family. Let her know you want to work on better commmunication again so you and her can not argue as much and have more good times together again. It sounds to me like your heart is with her.

 

I would discuss the weight thing with the counselor in a gentle way...like you did here. I give you kudos for your honestly. You are entitled to your preference in thin women and it is not like she didnt know this before. Therefore i believe that is one thing that should be worked on. But please dont be to harsh on her, as it is harder to do anything when you know someone is always giving you a hard time about it. I also think you should be ready to hear what she needs also and be willing to accomidate too.

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This is a simple one.

Communication. If you try to talk to her calmly and be as respectful as possible, but she is having none of it, then your marriage is pointless and it will be better for you and your son to divorce in the long run. Talk to her. The key is to be respectful and mature, and if she ruins it, then it's not your fault, and at least you know you tried. Weight for a lot of people is a very sensitive subject, so you literally have to carefully plan every word of that part.

 

DO NOT cheat on her. Arguments, weight gain, lack of sexual desire for her..... none of it justifies cheating. In any way. You made marriage vows. Divorcing with respect and dignity is a much better way to go than if you were to disgrace yourself by cheating.

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JeffWinger9
The passion from the early stages of a relationship come from the excitement of new beginnings & the sense of insecurity. Familiarity will erode passion very quickly. This often happens with a long-term relationships if we're not attentive to intimacy. This malaise can happen with the most gorgeous, thin women -- and often does! (Hugh Grant cheating on Elizabeth Hurley comes to mind...) Also, power struggles can take the place for communication in marriage. Sounds like you're in a power struggle right now over the weight & workout issue. It's covering up something deeper, most likely.

 

Sex is not about the body. It's about the mind. When my husband had his first affair, I thought it was because I got a little chubby. I ran, lifted weights and got regular wolf whistles. His second intense affair was with a large girl. So much for that, lol. The newness of his affair suggested connection, intimacy & communication. But actually we rediscovered that in our own marriage after the infidelity was exposed. It takes connection, intimacy & communication to keep the passion alive, not a hot body or sex toys.

 

Please consider therapy or, at the very least, sitting down with your wife and talking to her. The fact that you're writing and open to suggestions is a good sign, actually. Your willingness is half the battle.

 

Your masturbation is understandable, but it's contributing to the problem in a huge way. You're taking care of yourself outside of the marriage. The next step can be cheating. You say you're already thinking of it. Cheating can become a highly addictive process. Don't underestimate the power of sex addiction. Like most addictions, sex addiction starts slowly and you need more "highs" to keep it going, so it slowly escalates and takes different, more risky forms.

 

I'm speaking from experience. This is how my husband's sex addiction began. He's been in recovery for 10 years and helps other men with the same issue. Many of these men are professional successes. Their sex addiction has devastated their families and marriages, often more than once. It's easier to avoid this path altogether than it is to turn off of it.

 

Cheating can devastate you and your family on levels you are completely unaware of --- until you experience it.

 

You don't need to cheat to be happy. That's a coward's way out. If you've tried everything -- therapy, communication -- to no avail, then get a divorce. Cheating hardens people. Please don't go there. It's the easy way out of your problem, but it's a short-lived solution. Even if an affair leads to another marriage (hypothetically speaking), you will face the same issue. That's guaranteed. So work on it now. You can overcome this issue with the right support. In the meantime, I recommend you read Susan Cheever's book, "Desire,' about how her affairs led to marriages which eerily began to resemble the first marriage by the fourth year. She had three divorces due to the very issues you're addressing.

 

Thanks for the excellent advice! I find myself agreeing with you on almost all of what you've written. And most people on the thread seem to think the breakdown of communication needs to be fixed first.

 

I agree that cheating is the coward's way out. Satisfying myself too is harming my relationship, and I can personally attest to that. It's addictive and lowers ones self-respect too.

 

I also agree that sex is more mental than physical. Our sex life has been on a low since long before she put on weight. It was the other factors before.

 

My wife has grown increasingly edgy in the temper department over the years. And, I attribute the breakdown of communication to this. I've often thought about having her see someone about it. But, I don't want to actually suggest that she needs a shrink. That would be it.

 

It's not as if we don't talk. Oh, we chat for hours. But, it's hardly ever about our relationship. I must bring that subject back to the center. I want this to work and, I suppose, I'll just have to restart the communication one chat at a time.

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JeffWinger9
Do you have a nanny?

 

Do we have a nanny??

 

We have a live-in nanny, an 8-hour-a-day babysitter, a cook, a housekeeper and a driver.

 

Don't be shocked. We moved to India a few years back for my business. And, help is a lot more affordable over here.

 

But, do you see what I mean when I say her laziness is a put-off?

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JeffWinger9
Lay it all out on the line and be honest, tell her how you feel and why, yet you DO want to work through this and stay married.

 

Go to marriage counselling! Learn how to communicate with eachother and re capture the love and respect you once had for one another. Allowing resentments to build up (for both of you) and not putting in effort to keep the flame alive, feeling turned off and pissed off/fed up isn't good for the family unit. Others notice the energy isn't good between you two, so I'm sure your

kid(s) do as well.

 

You're right. My sister and her husband were visiting us recently. I could see the discomfort on their faces and knew they could tell we're having issues.

 

Our son often catches those vibes and starts crying for no apparent reason, almost as if begging us not to quarrel.

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JeffWinger9
I agree. I also want to say you are a true man for identifying with this and not just running out with another woman. Cheating is not the answer. I do believe it will just cause more problems. Plus it sounds like you truly dont want to. (hormones talking) There is no orgasm worth the price of your family, IMO. I would definitely go to counseling. You both have to be able to admit there are problems and that you both want to work on them. I have heard counseling has turned marriages that were almost into divorce court totally around. It sounds like you want to invest in that and be honest to your family. Let her know you want to work on better commmunication again so you and her can not argue as much and have more good times together again. It sounds to me like your heart is with her.

 

I would discuss the weight thing with the counselor in a gentle way...like you did here. I give you kudos for your honestly. You are entitled to your preference in thin women and it is not like she didnt know this before. Therefore i believe that is one thing that should be worked on. But please dont be to harsh on her, as it is harder to do anything when you know someone is always giving you a hard time about it. I also think you should be ready to hear what she needs also and be willing to accomidate too.

 

 

Thanks. I've received some good reassuring replies, telling me to do what I already thought I ought to be doing. I expected to be completey shot down as shallow and overly demanding. But, I'm glad to see others see my viewpoint.

 

I have found myself to be less sensitive toward her in recent months, and during one of our recent fights I even suggested we split up. That was an eye opener of sorts for her and she said she didn't realize I resented her so. I felt really bad afterwards and realized that some things needed to be fixed from my side too.

 

I will try to do this in the most sensitive way possible.

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Toodamnpragmatic

And yes I can see some of what I go through at times too. The difference is I am shallow and lucky my wife is incredibly attractive after 25 years.

 

Fair, absolutely not, but a fact that I do put up with a lot (at least I think I do), because I look at a vivacious/sexy woman I am attracted to.

 

So no I actually truly do empathize with you knowing that I would be truly resentful of my spouse if we are having problems and I am not attracted to her sexually.......

 

To the OP, you added another layer, explaining you are in India for work and separated from family and friends, but did not explain how this may have affected the relationship and the struggles your spouse maybe having.

 

Go ahead pile on me.

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I wonder how happy your wife is with her own life right now? Given her situation I can imagine she deals with boredom and depression just from a lack of purposeful and meaningful activity.

 

You've mentioned she doesn't work and you have plentiful domestic help. What does she do with her time? Does she at least have interests that she pursues?

 

I wonder if she is in a place in her life where she's not really happy with herself, but doesn't know how to change it. She probably doesn't really want to be fat, but may resent you for pressuring her to fix it. Maybe it is a way of pushing back on you for that. I could imagine a person who sat around the house all day with nothing to do might just gain weight out of boredom.

 

Have you tried it all to help her find meaningful ways to spend her time? When I say this, I definitely don't mean pressure her, force her, etc. Just suggest some ideas that you think she might enjoy. Leave it to her whether she actually does anything.

 

Scott

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JeffWinger9
And yes I can see some of what I go through at times too. The difference is I am shallow and lucky my wife is incredibly attractive after 25 years.

 

Fair, absolutely not, but a fact that I do put up with a lot (at least I think I do), because I look at a vivacious/sexy woman I am attracted to.

 

So no I actually truly do empathize with you knowing that I would be truly resentful of my spouse if we are having problems and I am not attracted to her sexually.......

 

To the OP, you added another layer, explaining you are in India for work and separated from family and friends, but did not explain how this may have affected the relationship and the struggles your spouse maybe having.

 

Go ahead pile on me.

 

Ok. There's a lot of history that I couldn't have put it in the original post.

 

Basically, we are originally from India. We were in the USA for a few years for work. At the beginning of this period we even survived 18-months of long distance relationship. Then after 4 years of living together as a married couple in the USA, we came back to India and I started my own business here.

 

While we had a lot of friends in America, we have still more family and friends here. We don't live with or even close to family. Then again, we never have, and we prefer it this way.

 

The only added strain in our relationship came during the short period we had to spend at my parents' home when we had just shifted back. But, that sorted itself out when we moved out. So, I don't think those are actual factors.

 

I suppose that her being suspicious about me having cheated on her during the 18-month separation could be considered a factor. I had a good friend with whom I spent a lot of time, but in a strictly friendly way during this period. And, my wife just wouldn't beleive that we weren't sleeping around.

 

The other factor, which also caused her to get terribly out of shape, was our son's birth, after which, we've not had much sex.

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JeffWinger9
I wonder how happy your wife is with her own life right now? Given her situation I can imagine she deals with boredom and depression just from a lack of purposeful and meaningful activity.

 

You've mentioned she doesn't work and you have plentiful domestic help. What does she do with her time? Does she at least have interests that she pursues?

 

I wonder if she is in a place in her life where she's not really happy with herself, but doesn't know how to change it. She probably doesn't really want to be fat, but may resent you for pressuring her to fix it. Maybe it is a way of pushing back on you for that. I could imagine a person who sat around the house all day with nothing to do might just gain weight out of boredom.

 

Have you tried it all to help her find meaningful ways to spend her time? When I say this, I definitely don't mean pressure her, force her, etc. Just suggest some ideas that you think she might enjoy. Leave it to her whether she actually does anything.

 

Scott

 

The factors you've identified are palpable.

 

There's no denying that she is not a very driven (careerwise) person. And, she will also take every luxury available to her. In that, we are opposites. I'm hardworking and ambitious. She's easygoing.

 

She spends most of her time reading or researching things on the internet, but not productively. She has often come up with business ideas, which I've supported both morally and financially. But, I've never seen her follow through to make them succeed. I guess, she's secure in the financial department and doesn't worry about making money.

 

And, while I am very careful not to nag, I've been rather "encouraging" of her to find purposeful work. I've always been in favour of her getting out more and also reducing the help she employs, which most people will agree is excessive.

 

But, I agree, she's probably finding herself hurtling downward in the self-esteem spiral with not much help from me. Trust me, I've tried to help. But, beyond a limit, I find myself frustrated and at the end of my wit and patience.

 

Plus, of late, I've been facing undue amounts of business stress, which has made me noticeably edgy also.

 

Discussing ones problems with others always brings about a lot of clarity. In the back of my head I always knew the problem had to be two-sided. But, the frustration needed to find expression in order for the cobwebs to go.

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The factors you've identified are palpable.

 

There's no denying that she is not a very driven (careerwise) person. And, she will also take every luxury available to her. In that, we are opposites. I'm hardworking and ambitious. She's easygoing.

 

She spends most of her time reading or researching things on the internet, but not productively. She has often come up with business ideas, which I've supported both morally and financially. But, I've never seen her follow through to make them succeed. I guess, she's secure in the financial department and doesn't worry about making money.

 

And, while I am very careful not to nag, I've been rather "encouraging" of her to find purposeful work. I've always been in favour of her getting out more and also reducing the help she employs, which most people will agree is excessive.

 

But, I agree, she's probably finding herself hurtling downward in the self-esteem spiral with not much help from me. Trust me, I've tried to help. But, beyond a limit, I find myself frustrated and at the end of my wit and patience.

 

Plus, of late, I've been facing undue amounts of business stress, which has made me noticeably edgy also.

 

Discussing ones problems with others always brings about a lot of clarity. In the back of my head I always knew the problem had to be two-sided. But, the frustration needed to find expression in order for the cobwebs to go.

 

 

 

Perhaps she is what one could call semi-addicted to the Internet. She's not really happy doing what she's doing with her time, but she doesn't really know what else to do, it's not like she has a strong pull toward some other activity. Each new website brings a momentary alleviation of boredom, but it doesn't last, and afterwards she feels depressed.

 

If I sound like I'm speaking from experience I am, I think I spend too much time doing things like that also.

 

The tough part is, she has to want to change. You are in a tough situation, because if you suggest something no matter how gentle you are she may feel like you are pressuring her or something. She probably has a pretty good sense of what you normally do and say, and if you say or do anything different than that she asks herself why and may quickly realize you are trying to get her to do something.

 

Does she have any interests, sports, or hobbies that she hasn't done lately, or maybe something she would like to try? Even those are better than being on the computer all day.

 

I think one piece of this is you may have to back off to some extent and let her solve her own problem. Make it clear that you care about her and are there for her, help her if she asks, offer the occasional bit of advice perhaps, but then focus your mind on a different problem. I know with myself I get very focused on whatever problem I'm dealing with, I want to solve it right then, and I get frustrated if I can't. Well, another person doesn't like being the focus of that kind of intensity. So, focus your intensity on something else where you have more control.

 

The two of you have a child. How much interest does she take in your child? That might be a point you can build on.

 

Scott

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Afishwithabike

Just how much weight has she put on? 20 pounds? 50+ pounds?

 

Could there be cultural factors at play?

 

I'm an Asian American, but I'm not Indian so I don't know what impact her upbringing has on this issue. Do you think it's more culturally acceptable for an Indian woman to be plump after marriage and children? I'm wondering if perhaps she saw her mother, aunties, cousins that way after having children and so she doesn't feel she should have to change.

 

I don't know what time you get home from work, but what if you, she, and your child went for a daily walk in the evening. You could sell it as a family activity though as the previous poster suggested she knows you so well that she might be suspicious of anything new you suggest.

 

I could never walk for exercise on my own. My girlfriends don't live close enough to walk with me so when I had my child a few years ago, I found the perfect exercise companion. I live in the USA so my situation is slightly different, but when I come home from work, I take my child out for a nearly two mile walk. My sister-in-law gave me her fabulous jogging stroller (Zooper brand). It's a dream to push. You can even push a five year old in it. Anyway, I put my child in it and off we go.

 

I know you said you chat with her, but you need to really chat with her about what she needs and what you need. Do it in a non-judgmental way. Make sure she understands you're coming from a place of love and caring. You don't want to make her feel attacked and defensive. It sounds like there are many unresolved conflicts in your relationship. Women need emotional intimacy to have sex. When they have suppressed resentment and anger toward their partner, they aren't going to want sex. I also understand where you're coming from. The biggest sexual organ is one's mind, but there has to be a physical attraction for there to be a sexual attraction. That's what separates a lover from a friend.

I think you both would benefit from some marriage therapy.

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Do we have a nanny??

 

We have a live-in nanny, an 8-hour-a-day babysitter, a cook, a housekeeper and a driver.

 

Don't be shocked. We moved to India a few years back for my business. And, help is a lot more affordable over here.

 

But, do you see what I mean when I say her laziness is a put-off?

 

Wow I'll marry you sounds like quite the life you have made for each other! Sorry, all joking aside this sounds pretty miserable for you. I too was wondering how overweight are we talking 10-20 lbs or like 50 what? Maybe she is suffering postpartum depression explains the weight gain and not wanting to get it off, the lack of desire for sex and her general blah demeanor. How is she as a Mom, devoted and caring good with the kids or does the nanny do most of the work?

 

Tell her you are worried about her and wondering if she is suffering from depression or postpartum and maybe it would help to talk to a counselor. Offer to go with her or if she'd rather go alone that's fine too. Make it as a concern for her not a this is what I don't like about you thing. She will get defensive surely if you attack her about this.

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It sounds like you have done your part. Its her turn.

 

My story will probably raise a lot of eyebrows, cause a lot of eyeballs to roll, and make people judge me for being a selfish a****le. But, I've got to say this, and more importantly, I've got to get advice.

 

I'm 34. She's 33. We've been married for nearly 11 years and dated for 6 years before that. We were highschool sweethearts.

 

Needless to say, the sex was volcanic in the early years. Hours of foreplay, multiple orgasms, experimentation, you name it. Then marriage happened.

 

We slowed down drastically. The relationship was still healthy and the love was very much there. But, sex went down from everytime-we-met to a couple-times-a-month. Some attempts at having sex would even end up in a blame-match about who's responsible for the lack of it. My wife is somewhat short-tempered and not the kind of person who accepts fault easily.

 

In the years that followed, I realized that I began to turn down sex way more often than she did. And while my sex drive was very much in place, I just didn't want to do it with HER.

 

I can't explain what happened, but the following are factors that I think played into it.

1. I was pretty turned off by the risk of her flaring up if anything didn't go as expected.

2. As we grew older, her lazy side started to show. She has never taken up serious work, as I always earned enough through my business. I have always encouraged her to work and find gainful use of her time and talents, but she has never felt the need to do it.

3. She has consistently put on weight since we got married and after our 17 month old son was born, she hasn't bothered with hitting the gym to lose all that weight, except maybe a total of 15 days since giving birth.

Now she's physically unattractive. But, her attitude is a much bigger turnoff for me. And even talking of sex makes me very uncomfortable, as I don't want to have sex with her.

 

We seem to live our lives just fine without sex. But, it's a clearly dysfunctional relationship and the strain has begun to show itself quite a bit in our behaviour with each other, even when we're with a group of friends.

 

She probably very well realizes that I masturbate and I know she does too. She nags me about sex every now and then but it pisses me off all the more that she can keep expecting me to hold up my end of the deal, without any apparent effort from her side.

 

I've repeatedly hinted to her that her being so terribly overweight is a major turnoff. Since our early days together, I've always made my preference for lean women known to her.

 

Asking her to hit the gym with me or simply talking about losing weight always bring about a huge fight and is becoming a sore thumb between us. But, I don't see her doing anything about it. In fact she hasn't been very supportive of my own running habit and is the main reason I gave up running the half marathons I ran on a yearly basis.

 

I don't want to leave my wife or break my family. But, I cannot continue to live in a relationship which is losing love on a daily basis. I want to fix this. I'm open to criticism, suggestions, analysis, anything.

 

There's a lot more I can write here to explain the situation further. But, I don't think any reader will be able to digest all that history at once.

 

But, I do know that our relationship needs help desperately, as lately I've found myself considering cheating (a lot). My sex drive is very healthy. I need to channel it right. Otherwise, either I'll explode or I'll destroy my family by cheating.

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JeffWinger9
Perhaps she is what one could call semi-addicted to the Internet. She's not really happy doing what she's doing with her time, but she doesn't really know what else to do, it's not like she has a strong pull toward some other activity. Each new website brings a momentary alleviation of boredom, but it doesn't last, and afterwards she feels depressed.

 

If I sound like I'm speaking from experience I am, I think I spend too much time doing things like that also.

 

The tough part is, she has to want to change. You are in a tough situation, because if you suggest something no matter how gentle you are she may feel like you are pressuring her or something. She probably has a pretty good sense of what you normally do and say, and if you say or do anything different than that she asks herself why and may quickly realize you are trying to get her to do something.

 

Does she have any interests, sports, or hobbies that she hasn't done lately, or maybe something she would like to try? Even those are better than being on the computer all day.

 

I think one piece of this is you may have to back off to some extent and let her solve her own problem. Make it clear that you care about her and are there for her, help her if she asks, offer the occasional bit of advice perhaps, but then focus your mind on a different problem. I know with myself I get very focused on whatever problem I'm dealing with, I want to solve it right then, and I get frustrated if I can't. Well, another person doesn't like being the focus of that kind of intensity. So, focus your intensity on something else where you have more control.

 

The two of you have a child. How much interest does she take in your child? That might be a point you can build on.

 

Scott

 

She is a good mother. Somewhat lazy, but involved. She avoids the physical labour of being a mother, which is why we have all the excessive help. But, she is very involved with my son's upbringing. And, she's always watching over the help's shoulder to make sure everything's done right for him.

 

Her "internet research" is also mostly reading up about his upbringing, health, etc. You could say that he is her hobby and interest as of now. But, you see how she has made it into a zero-physical-activity hobby :-)

 

I have been thinking and the following came up as an idea. I would like as many opinions on this as I can get. I'm going to sit her down and tell her that as we both know, the relationship needs fixing and we need continuous dialogue to bring it back to its full glory. But, we're not going to sit and talk like in the past, so we don't bite each other's head off.

 

We're going to just send each other one email a day. The email will have four short sections:

1. One thing that puts me off about you.

2. What I think you can do about it.

3. What I think I can do to help you get rid of it.

4. Discussion about your last email to me. In this section we get to respond to the other person's note. We can agree or politely disagree with each other's point of view. But, we don't discuss that email after this.

 

I think that if we can shoot each other a short email daily where less is said and more is understood, we can get through most issues over ten days' time. And we can have a simple rule where if we can't think of anything else that puts us off on a given day, we must still send the email with 'One thing that turns me on about you.'

 

Now, I'm no expert on this. And, I don't want to single-handedly destroy my relationship by playing a silly game, which goes terribly bad. So, I need opinions, please.

 

Has anyone tried anything this silly in their relationships? What was the outcome? How do I make sure something like this doesn't spell disaster for our marriage?

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JeffWinger9
Just how much weight has she put on? 20 pounds? 50+ pounds?

 

Could there be cultural factors at play?

 

I'm an Asian American, but I'm not Indian so I don't know what impact her upbringing has on this issue. Do you think it's more culturally acceptable for an Indian woman to be plump after marriage and children? I'm wondering if perhaps she saw her mother, aunties, cousins that way after having children and so she doesn't feel she should have to change.

 

I don't know what time you get home from work, but what if you, she, and your child went for a daily walk in the evening. You could sell it as a family activity though as the previous poster suggested she knows you so well that she might be suspicious of anything new you suggest.

 

I could never walk for exercise on my own. My girlfriends don't live close enough to walk with me so when I had my child a few years ago, I found the perfect exercise companion. I live in the USA so my situation is slightly different, but when I come home from work, I take my child out for a nearly two mile walk. My sister-in-law gave me her fabulous jogging stroller (Zooper brand). It's a dream to push. You can even push a five year old in it. Anyway, I put my child in it and off we go.

 

I know you said you chat with her, but you need to really chat with her about what she needs and what you need. Do it in a non-judgmental way. Make sure she understands you're coming from a place of love and caring. You don't want to make her feel attacked and defensive. It sounds like there are many unresolved conflicts in your relationship. Women need emotional intimacy to have sex. When they have suppressed resentment and anger toward their partner, they aren't going to want sex. I also understand where you're coming from. The biggest sexual organ is one's mind, but there has to be a physical attraction for there to be a sexual attraction. That's what separates a lover from a friend.

I think you both would benefit from some marriage therapy.

 

You're partially right. Ordinarily and traditionally, Indian women don't expect to maintain their physical fitness, thinness, etc. after having had children. This is because of the traditional belief that marriage has but one purpose - procreation.

 

However, we aren't traditional people. In fact, we're looked upon by our family and friends as the most rebellious couple known to them. We also believe in adopting the best of every culture available around us. We've always done that and very consciously teach our son to do so. So, while she sees most women around her let themselves go, I don't think she's the kind of person to let herself fall into the same stereotype.

 

Plus, there's basically only one good gym where we live, and all our local friends (as couples) are members. Some of them pretty regular, too. So, there's factors working both ways.

 

She had put on about 18 lbs over the first 9 years of our marriage. An additional 15 lbs remained after she had lost as much as she naturally could after delivering the baby. There's now a monthly variability of 2 pounds. But, she's only 5'4" and there's about 32-34 lbs more of her to love ;-(

 

Another noteworthy thing is that during the 8th-9th year of being married, she suddenly put on a lot of weight, which she lost mostly after being diagnosed as hypothyroid and being treated for it. She is no longer hypo, based on test results.

 

There's way too much history when you've been married reasonably long.

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Oh that doesn't sound good to me,

hey...why don't you both plan for honeymoon again? never too late to safe the marriage and spark alive..

 

Enough say..

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She is a good mother. Somewhat lazy, but involved. She avoids the physical labour of being a mother, which is why we have all the excessive help. But, she is very involved with my son's upbringing. And, she's always watching over the help's shoulder to make sure everything's done right for him.

 

Her "internet research" is also mostly reading up about his upbringing, health, etc. You could say that he is her hobby and interest as of now. But, you see how she has made it into a zero-physical-activity hobby :-)

 

I have been thinking and the following came up as an idea. I would like as many opinions on this as I can get. I'm going to sit her down and tell her that as we both know, the relationship needs fixing and we need continuous dialogue to bring it back to its full glory. But, we're not going to sit and talk like in the past, so we don't bite each other's head off.

 

We're going to just send each other one email a day. The email will have four short sections:

1. One thing that puts me off about you.

2. What I think you can do about it.

3. What I think I can do to help you get rid of it.

4. Discussion about your last email to me. In this section we get to respond to the other person's note. We can agree or politely disagree with each other's point of view. But, we don't discuss that email after this.

 

I think that if we can shoot each other a short email daily where less is said and more is understood, we can get through most issues over ten days' time. And we can have a simple rule where if we can't think of anything else that puts us off on a given day, we must still send the email with 'One thing that turns me on about you.'

 

Now, I'm no expert on this. And, I don't want to single-handedly destroy my relationship by playing a silly game, which goes terribly bad. So, I need opinions, please.

 

Has anyone tried anything this silly in their relationships? What was the outcome? How do I make sure something like this doesn't spell disaster for our marriage?

 

Sounds like you need to get your child involved in some physical activities or something that your wife can share! ;)

 

Communication is good, certainly. It's good if you both know what the other is thinking and feeling as much as possible.

 

I wonder, though, whether it's going to be so simple in this case. I would imagine she already knows that you don't like her weight, you think she needs to work harder on it and be more active, and you're willing to exercise or whatever with her. I would guess you've already talked about it multiple times and covered the points you would probably cover in the #4 discussion section in your e-mail. She might feel like you are just repeating yourself.

 

I have also heard people say that you should say positive things before you say anything negative. If you go the e-mail route you might want to include positive things first-- you both have to write a paragraph describing something that you sincerely like about the other person.

 

Scott

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