when love doesn't seem like enough

[1skyblue]

Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post. I hope I can make it short and to the point without rambling too much.

 

I've been married nine years, last year my husband and I split up (due to finance problems and constant arguing) for three months - not knowing if we were going to stay together. In that time he dated/romanced several women. I saw no one. We rehashed our situation and the problems that led to the split and decided to get back together.

 

Just this week I discovered he is still communicating with one of the women he was involved with. He swore up and down that it was over and he stopped all communication, got rid of emails, pictures, etc. But he didn't. He also frequents adult websites and swears he's not in the chat rooms or forums, but he is. He swears he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. If this is true I don't understand why he is doing all this.

 

I have not told him that I know he's been lying. My heart feels like it's been torn from me again. I've had to do a lot of forgiving, it really hurt that he saw others.

 

I wonder if I'm a fool for returning and giving our marriage a second chance.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[LilyBart]

I have not told him that I know he's been lying. My heart feels like it's been torn from me again. I've had to do a lot of forgiving, it really hurt that he saw others.

 

Why? Is it too frightening to consider the possibility of "laying it all out on the line" with him?

 

It takes two people to make a M work. If your H isn't willing to give up this other woman and focus on YOU and your marriage, you're going to have to re-evaluate the situation.

 

I know it's scary but it's better to be sure the M is worth it NOW (and do the hard work repairing your M now) than to live with the "is he/isn't he" scenerio by sweeping things under the rug.

 

Just my .02. Good luck!

[woinlove]

I agree with talking it out. The only catch I see is that since your H is already lying, he could just lie some more and then do an even better job of covering his tracks. Since you had problems before, have you two gone to counselling or is that something you and your H would consider. It might be useful to have a professional involved, since the trust is obviously broken at this time, and a lot needs to change to have a good M.

[1skyblue]

LilyBart, sadintexas and woinlove - thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

 

Yes, I am afraid to confront him. After some soul searching I've realized that I love this man with all of my heart and I want our marriage to last. When I finally do have a sit down talk with him I know this will erupt into something long and drawn out. I will no doubt hear things like, "you're insanely jealous and don't trust me" or "where's the law that says I can't be friends with another woman?" Sadly, I have heard this before, but under circumstances where I thought he was being true to me.

 

We have tried counseling in the past and it was disastrous. He believes that the marriage counselor is only there to lessen the blow for a breakup. I don't know why he thinks this but he does and that totally throws a wrench in the whole therapy process.

 

I just don't understand why he dotes on me; flowers, I love you cards and notes, surprise gifts - yet keeps what he does hidden from me. For certain I would not feel comfortable nor tolerate him and her being friends..I mean, come on this is my life too!

 

Confronting him is inevitable. Is there any way possible I can mentally prepare myself for what else may come out of this? I'm really afraid he's going to say accept it or leave.

 

I'm sorry if I sound like a whiny baby..this is just so terribly draining on me in every aspect.

[woinlove]

LilyBart, sadintexas and woinlove - thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

 

Yes, I am afraid to confront him. After some soul searching I've realized that I love this man with all of my heart and I want our marriage to last. When I finally do have a sit down talk with him I know this will erupt into something long and drawn out. I will no doubt hear things like, "you're insanely jealous and don't trust me" or "where's the law that says I can't be friends with another woman?" Sadly, I have heard this before, but under circumstances where I thought he was being true to me.

 

We have tried counseling in the past and it was disastrous. He believes that the marriage counselor is only there to lessen the blow for a breakup. I don't know why he thinks this but he does and that totally throws a wrench in the whole therapy process.

 

I just don't understand why he dotes on me; flowers, I love you cards and notes, surprise gifts - yet keeps what he does hidden from me. For certain I would not feel comfortable nor tolerate him and her being friends..I mean, come on this is my life too!

 

Confronting him is inevitable. Is there any way possible I can mentally prepare myself for what else may come out of this? I'm really afraid he's going to say accept it or leave.

 

I'm sorry if I sound like a whiny baby..this is just so terribly draining on me in every aspect.

 

I understand why you don't want him to maintain a friendship with a woman he dated during the few months you were separated and, of course, if he is hiding that connection there is a good chance (some might say it is essentially certain) that it is not simply a friendship.

 

I would suggest you also post your story and questions in the infidelity forum to get responses from people who have gone through this. Your concern with how he will respond to being confronted is valid, but I don't have any direct experience with it.

 

Here's my impression though: Your H came back and is acting loving in some ways, so he must want you and the M. However, he might want both you and whatever he has with another woman. If he won't give up what he describes as a new woman friend (who he has been hiding) to make you feel happy and secure, then he isn't committed to you and you can't make him commit. Just don't accept what is not going to make you happy. You deserve an H committed to your M. I understand you don't want to lose him, but you also don't want to continue indefinitely not being able to trust him.

 

So sorry you are going through this.

[love4me2c]

Personally, I would continue with the separation. He's still lying.

[Linda9999]

Basically, he is cheating on you, and the only way you guys have a hope in hell is for him to come clean and become an open book in order to regain your trust.

 

My husband cheated on me by visiting adult websites, which led to adult chat rooms, which led to SexSearch and Adult Friend Finder, which led to paying to meet up with 'models' for sex, which led to hiring a prostitute. We are reconciling now, but he has had to do a LOT of work for me to still be with him.