kinsey Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) Short story: see the title of the thread. Long story: I did some thinking after reading some of the comments in this thread, and realized that probably one way I am contributing the problem is by becoming controlling to an extent. At least, I can see the beginnings of controlling behavior on my part. The problem is that I often feel like a stay at home mom...except one who also has a full time job. I have the option of crating the dogs and going to my office to do work, but we don't think it's fair to crate the dogs for 8 hours. Doggie daycare is too expensive where I live. I run with the dogs twice a day for about 4-5 miles on average. I know that's not a lot, but I'm not a runner, and it's hard for me to do that. I've tried taking them to the dog park, but there aren't any other dogs during the day they can play with to get rid of some of that energy. My dog is content to sleep all day, but my bf's dog is a little terror who is baiting him into playing with her, getting into trouble, etc. I am constantly getting up from work to chase after her, break up playtime that goes too far, let them out, let them in, play with them, and on and on and on. Sometimes I have to work until 9 or 10 or 11 at night because something that should take one hr takes 4 due to the constant interruptions. Because of this I feel like the least my bf can do is come home promptly after work and take them off my hands for an hour, either so I can actually get my work finished, or have an hour to relax in peace and unwind a little. Instead, he volunteered for a shift that has him staying a half hour later every night, and working OT one night a week. Instead, with spring rapidly approaching, he has decided to stay after work every day to go to the gym. Instead, he is making plans to go out with friends several times a week, and stay late at work the other days to work on a personal project in peace (because he can't work at home with the dogs either). I tried discussing this with him and he turned it into a "who does more with dogs" thing. He doesn't get that I'm not whining about who feeds them more often or who walks them the most. I'm complaining because I need him to come home and give me a break. I tried showing him on a calendar what the last 2 weeks have looked like (me at home with the dogs every day, him coming home at 8 or 9pm or later 80% of the time), and his response was "I almost never go out. When do I go out?" Um, look at the calendar!! I brought this up in the most non-confrontational, non-blaming way I know how, and he still didn't listen, just went on the defensive. Yesterday he didn't come home until almost 9pm, right when the dogs start to calm down for the night, and I was still working. I had a terrible headache, so when I was finished with work I went to bed with one of the dogs and left him the other one downstairs. Today he brings this up and frames it as he "took the dogs off my hands" because I wasn't feeling well. He probably actually believes that, but my frame for the same situation is completely different. The last 2 weeks, any day that I was supposed to be able to make plans and get out of the house for a bit my bf also made plans that he didn't tell me about (of that I "forgot" about him telling me, depending on who you ask) so I had to leave early to come back to take care of the dogs. I'm starting to feel very bitchy every time he tells me he has plans or is staying at work late, and I think it shows. Oh, and on the very few days that I need to go out for work for long periods of time my bf gives me awful guilt trips about crating the dogs. But now that I'm complaining that the dogs are driving me crazy and I can't get anything done with them around so can't he please come home after work and help me he says "just crate them and go to work" Edited March 8, 2011 by kinsey Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 The last 2 weeks, any day that I was supposed to be able to make plans and get out of the house for a bit my bf also made plans that he didn't tell me about (of that I "forgot" about him telling me, depending on who you ask) so I had to leave early to come back to take care of the dogs. Get a communal calendar. All plans need to be on the calendar. Person with plans not on the calendar is the one who needs to go home and care for the dogs. Oh, and on the very few days that I need to go out for work for long periods of time my bf gives me awful guilt trips about crating the dogs. But now that I'm complaining that the dogs are driving me crazy and I can't get anything done with them around so can't he please come home after work and help me he says "just crate them and go to work" Don't accept blame and guilt. Reframe the conversation, "We were both busy, andwe both left the dogs in the crates. If the dogs being in the crates concerns you, let's figure out a better schedule together." How would he care for his dog if you weren't there? It sounds like he got a dog without any intention of doing the work necessary to care for it Link to post Share on other sites
Author kinsey Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Get a communal calendar. All plans need to be on the calendar. Person with plans not on the calendar is the one who needs to go home and care for the dogs. Don't accept blame and guilt. Reframe the conversation, "We were both busy, andwe both left the dogs in the crates. If the dogs being in the crates concerns you, let's figure out a better schedule together." How would he care for his dog if you weren't there? It sounds like he got a dog without any intention of doing the work necessary to care for it RE: the calendar, that's the step we're working on now. I'm not sure how successful it will be, as I am the more organized one who actually makes plans and obtains details regarding said plans, so it definitely benefits me more, which I anticipate will cause some problems. He was very good about helping with the dogs initially, and he still feeds them and lets them out. He will walk them if I guilt him into it, but the way he walks they don't actually get any exercise so for the most part I prefer to do it myself: if you want it done right and all that. For some reason the last few weeks have been a problem. I don't know if maybe because it's spring and the weather is nicer he feels like going out more, or if it's something else. Whatever the reason I think it's really unfair to me, and he doesn't see any problem with the way things have been going, except for me complaining to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 RE: the calendar, that's the step we're working on now. I'm not sure how successful it will be, as I am the more organized one who actually makes plans and obtains details regarding said plans, so it definitely benefits me more, which I anticipate will cause some problems. He was very good about helping with the dogs initially, and he still feeds them and lets them out. He will walk them if I guilt him into it, but the way he walks they don't actually get any exercise so for the most part I prefer to do it myself: if you want it done right and all that. For some reason the last few weeks have been a problem. I don't know if maybe because it's spring and the weather is nicer he feels like going out more, or if it's something else. Whatever the reason I think it's really unfair to me, and he doesn't see any problem with the way things have been going, except for me complaining to him about it. This (bolded statement) concerns me. You said in your initial post that you run with the dogs 4-5 miles a day and that you felt it was woefully inadequate. I think your expectations may be skewed as to what is actually acceptable and "doing it the right way" may be. Really OP, it is important that you take very good care of your dogs, but not at the cost of your own job, life or relationship.... Perhaps take a half an hour in the AM to make sure the dogs get physical, a half an hour or so in the evening, regular walks or some "course" play, and get them a KONG toy or difficult challenge toy to play with while you work in the evenings. You cannot give over your whole life to care for the dogs, don't become too obsessive and perfectionist while driving the other areas of your life off track. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kinsey Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 This (bolded statement) concerns me. You said in your initial post that you run with the dogs 4-5 miles a day and that you felt it was woefully inadequate. I think your expectations may be skewed as to what is actually acceptable and "doing it the right way" may be. Really OP, it is important that you take very good care of your dogs, but not at the cost of your own job, life or relationship.... Perhaps take a half an hour in the AM to make sure the dogs get physical, a half an hour or so in the evening, regular walks or some "course" play, and get them a KONG toy or difficult challenge toy to play with while you work in the evenings. You cannot give over your whole life to care for the dogs, don't become too obsessive and perfectionist while driving the other areas of your life off track. Maybe this is the problem? I used to think I was somewhat self-aware but am now questioning that. When we run, it's for about 20-30 minutes, twice a day. I might be misjudging the exercise they get with my bf; but I have reason to believe that he takes them on veeeerrrrrryyyyyy slloooooooow walks for a very short distance. Do you have dogs? If so, any tips for me regarding KONGs or other toys? They both have one, which I stopped giving them because it caused more problems than it solved. They each wanted the toy (exact same) that the other dog had, and it resulted in a fight every time. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Maybe this is the problem? I used to think I was somewhat self-aware but am now questioning that. When we run, it's for about 20-30 minutes, twice a day. I might be misjudging the exercise they get with my bf; but I have reason to believe that he takes them on veeeerrrrrryyyyyy slloooooooow walks for a very short distance. Do you have dogs? If so, any tips for me regarding KONGs or other toys? They both have one, which I stopped giving them because it caused more problems than it solved. They each wanted the toy (exact same) that the other dog had, and it resulted in a fight every time. You should try dog puzzles. My pup enjoys them a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kinsey Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 You should try dog puzzles. My pup enjoys them a lot. Awesome, I'd never heard of these before. Just ordered some, can't wait for them to arrive! Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Awesome, I'd never heard of these before. Just ordered some, can't wait for them to arrive! Fantastic! Hope you enjoy. And start thinking up some ways to de-stress and simplify some of the ways you are divvying up your time. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Aren't there any off-leash parks in your city or town? Why not take your dogs there, after each run? As well, set two scheduled days that are your days. He's responsible for ensuring he's coming home on time on those two days. If he's unwilling, then you've basically become his free dog watcher, domestic help, all while working long hours. Let me guess. You pay 50/50 for everything or worse yet, you pay more than he does for the pleasure of taking care of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kinsey Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Fantastic! Hope you enjoy. And start thinking up some ways to de-stress and simplify some of the ways you are divvying up your time. Aren't there any off-leash parks in your city or town? Why not take your dogs there, after each run? As well, set two scheduled days that are your days. He's responsible for ensuring he's coming home on time on those two days. If he's unwilling, then you've basically become his free dog watcher, domestic help, all while working long hours. Let me guess. You pay 50/50 for everything or worse yet, you pay more than he does for the pleasure of taking care of him. All good advice, we'll have to talk about it tonight. He pays a bit more, and I do a bit more housework, but it's fairly even: I cook, he does the dishes and cleans the kitchen, we each usually do our own laundry, I clean our bathroom, he cleans the other bathrooms in the house, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 An honest question: Are your lifestyles really suitable for the kind of dogs you own? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Just wait until you have kids... Jokes apart, two dogs are always a handful. We have one and he is very happy to lie down next to me in my office when I work... ok, he follows me everywhere in the house, but then he is lovely. I don't have an answer for you, I'm afraid. The problem stems from the fact that you have two and they interact (which is normal) and disrupt your working routine. I think you'll just have to put up with it... or give them sleeping pills... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kinsey Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 An honest question: Are your lifestyles really suitable for the kind of dogs you own? Yes........ Link to post Share on other sites
Baroness67 Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 We have an exercise pen inside the house, actually it's two pens that we have joined together to make a space that is probably 6" by 5". My dogs go out for a half hour in the mornings and a half hour in the evenings. During the day they're fine whether anyone's in the house or out of it. On weekends they get more time with us. The pen gives them enough space to move around so that I don't feel I'm crating them. I'm trying to assess the energy level of your dogs - they practically sound like human children in terms of the attention level they need. Hard to understand since I have three beagles who are supposed to be ridiculously energetic dogs, and they are a terror on the leash trying to follow every scent they catch, but in the house, they do fine for me. Not a peep out of them. Link to post Share on other sites
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