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New wife feeling hurt, angry, unwanted, and lonely.

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 3rd October 2003, 2:38 PM   #1
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Unhappy New wife feeling hurt, angry, unwanted, and lonely.

I am new here, just found this site. Thanks for letting me join in. Here's my problem. I just got married in April - been married 5 months - and our sex before marriage was often, and he initiated it more often than not. (Both of us have only been with one person other than each other.)

After we got married, sex was ok for about 2 or 3 weeks, then he slowly stopped initiating it. He will push me away, or tell me to stop occasionally when I try to start something. This hurts me so much, and so I stopped initiating it for awhile, and finally told him what the problem was. It got ok for about a week, and he would initiate it. Then, same thing. I've had to talk to him about it 3 times in the five months we've been married, and now I just don't want to initiate it at all.

I'm sick of talking about it, and getting no answers. I asked him why he doesn't want to have sex with me and he gave me a bs answer about it only taking him a couple minutes to get done. That's not it at all. It's never been a problem with us about how long it takes him to get off, and even if it were... he satisfies me everytime.

He seems to only want it when he wants it, it doesn't matter if I want it when he doesn't. And he doesn't want it often. I had to have a biopsy done Tuesday (I have precancerous changes to my cervix, and we have to find out exactly to what extent and how to treat it), and I can't have sex for two weeks... but mentioned wanting to give him head the other day.... practically begged... and he didn't want it.

I'm so sick of feeling unwanted. I stay at home all day taking care of our child, and the house, and he works and goes as he pleases to hang out with his friends or whatever. I don't know how much more I can take. Today I feel so overwhelmed with these feelings that I just want out. Out of this house, this routine, this feeling, these hurt emotions, and I can't do anything but cry. What do I do?

I've decided that I will not initiate sex with him anymore. I know that isn't the best way to go about it, and keeping these feelings to myself are just making things worse. I don't need to harbor feelings of hurt, anger, etc towards my new husband, but I don't know how else to deal with this. Please help.

Last edited by Moderator; 29th October 2003 at 10:25 PM..
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Old 3rd October 2003, 4:39 PM   #2
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First let me ask you, how old is your child together? If it is a new baby, that tends to have a lot of bearing on the intimacy levels between couples. Been there, done that. Secondly, do you only associate closeness between you and your husband in terms of sex? Like, are there other times that either of you is affectionate? There is a difference between sex and affection, although when one is lacking, the other may be as well.

I appreciate your desire to not harbor resentment toward your husband. Often times, the sense that you're underappreciated for the work you do as a mother who takes care of a child full time bleed over into other aspects of your relationship if you let them, and it is fantastic that you recognize those right now; do yourself a favor and keep those feelings as well in check as you can manage. I am by no means suggesting that you bottle them up and not tell him, but try to not allow those feelings to dictate your behavior in other facets of the marriage. In other words, recognize that your feelings and reactions are very valid, even if he does not agree. Keeping the peace often means agreeing to disagree.

I had to have a biopsy done Tuesday (I have precancerous changes to my cervix, and we have to find out exactly to what extent and how to treat it),
This seems so casually mixed in with your concerns about sex that I can't help but wonder if it is contributing a lot to both your stress levels and his! How long has this been a factor? Have you discussed this with him? It could be that he has gotten himself worried sick over your health!

I wish you the best of luck...keep lines of communication open, and try different approaches to conversation when you get rebuffed.
"Mom...The Easter Bunny...HAS EGGS!!" My four year old daughter as she literally falls to the ground laughing hysterically, marking one of the most completely absurd yet strangely fulfilling moments in my life - ever.
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Old 3rd October 2003, 4:56 PM   #3
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Our child will be 2 in December. I don't associate closeness with my husband and I with sex. We are very affectionate- kisses, hugs, hand holding, arms around each other, etc.- with each other. There is no problem with that at all.
I had my first abnormal pap smear in the end of July... and so it's not been a contributing factor to our stress for too long, although I'm sure it adds to both of our stress a little. His disinterest in sex has been going on for longer, than that, though.
I don't even want to attempt talking about this anymore. He'll tell me how bad he feels that he is making me feel hurt, unwanted, unloved, unattractive, etc., and nothing changes or gets resolved.
It's killing me.
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Old 3rd October 2003, 5:04 PM   #4
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Could it be that your hubby is depressed? I speak from personal experience in saying that when depression is a factor, intimacy goes down the tubes. I know that it's hurting you tremendously, but you really shouldn't give up on talking with him about it. Maybe you should offer to just listen to him for a while, and something may come up. Instead of telling him that you feel neglected, ask him if he's feeling particularly upset about anything, and don't bring up sex in the conversation at all if it has become a roadblock in your discussions.

I'm really sorry to hear about your abnormal pap. It's an awfully scary thing to go through, from what I understand.

I hope this helps even a little bit. Other folks may have other insight to share with you, as well.
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Old 10th October 2003, 12:34 PM   #5
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Good point, 2sidetostories - could be depression or a whole host of other physiological factors like a medication he is taking, etc. Nothing like a good old trip to the doctor to check! (of course, getting a man to the doctor can be my experience it can be hard!).
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Old 21st October 2003, 7:30 AM   #6
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hi, your problem is something I thought most men ran into. Maybe it's just a marriage thing. It seems like sex dies when one signs the marriage license. Perhaps he feels the same? I know I felt that I was trapped because all of a sudden my wife wasn't interested in having sex any longer. Every time I initiated sex, I was rejected. So, I ended up giving up completely. I could only stand so much rejection because my self esteem was affected.

I think you need to talk to your husband. Maybe he will respond. I tried with my wife and she won't talk. All she says is that she wouldn't care if she ever had sex ever again. So, that makes me feel pretty crappy.

So, I'm stuck. You seem to have a chance. Just talk to him gently. Maybe he has a physical problem. He could be embarassed to talk about it with you.

Good luck.

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Old 29th October 2003, 11:08 AM   #7
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See if he will get his testostroine checked!! I feel so bad now of all the years that I was too tired and did not want to have sex as often as my H in our 20's. Now in late 30's I am always wanting it and he has testosrone problems and it makes him feel soooo down and depressed and not in the mood . He has to get a shot once a month because he just gets so runned down and the shot makes a big difference in how he feels. I hope things work out for you!
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Old 31st October 2003, 4:51 AM   #8
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Get in your car and follow him around on his nights out. I would bet you find what your looking 4
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Old 14th November 2003, 5:16 PM   #9
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Sexual Course is a sinful?

I believe only in God which in Heaven.
Gentlemen and ladies, I would like to testimony their feelunderstanding.
Look that Abraham how he remain his wife Sarah so long times but she not have children (I dont know) if they have been used sex on their bed daily nights?
How God blessed them in a marriage beginning so they gather together many years than hurting without sex?
Ok, Depend on she or he really needs sex that's ok God willing he know their married a forever no matter time of good sex.
Paul said, not sent away your wife or not sent away your husband. because devil wants to trying get you hurt divorce the end there so God will break their law.
A Depression, what cause in their hearts so hardness because of envy or jealous over her or him deceiver getting hurt who influence by devil?
And, whoever had depressed about what he think of wife or his relatives or his God dislike them sex before married so both shall as first marry after that sex God will blessing inheritence in the Kingdom of Heaven!

Grave in Love,
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Old 17th November 2003, 6:40 PM   #10
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If you've talked

And you're not getting anywhere, maybe it's time to put the foot down.

"I'm concerned that our sex life is lacking. I am not satisfied with the amount of sex we are having. I feel that you have displayed that you aren't interested in sex. I would like to have a healthy sex life with you, because I enjoy sex with you and I love you."

Then you've both got to discuss the issues that are contributing to this and be totally open and honest about it. Until that's taken care of, you're more likely to have band-aid fixes for a broken arm. I'd also consider talking with a professional.

I let my sex drive wane for close to 6 years. It almost ruined my marriage, made me very unhappy, and left a lot of baggage and unhappiness in it's wake. I'm very glad that my husband and I finally worked out our problems and now have a very active and fulfilling sex life.

I hope that the same works out for you. Good luck, chin up!
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Old 17th November 2003, 9:33 PM   #11
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The responses you have had may be correct but I feel a little uncomfortable about them as I and many friends have been through phases similar to this, albeit later in marriage and to a lesser degree.

Many men with very young children relate to their partner as a mother and they sometimes find it hard to get back to seeing them in a sexual context - even if their feelings have deepened for her with parenthood. I know you feel rejected but most marriages go through this phase and improve. Usually the person is not rejecting the other and starting all discussion from the assumption that they are will not help. Not only does he have to deal with questions about his virility (not much for a man that is more sensitive than this) but he also may feel he is not satisfying you emotionally either. This will sap his confidence to handle his new responsibilities and make the problem worse.

Ask him whether he still loves you and whether he still fancies you. When he answers - believe him. Ask him to tell you regularly. Then try and leave hurt behind. I know we all want a great sex life all the time but I don't think we can demand this of others. I think it's like asking someone to be happy all the time and then getting hurt and insecure when they are not. Try relieving some of the pressure and see if that helps - surely it's worth a try?

At the same time tell him how he can relieve some of your many pressures so you are more able to cope and are not as dependant on sex for reassurance. You mention that he goes out with friends as he pleases. You need to be able to rely on him more. Arrange for both of you to have time out with friends but explain that he needs to invest time your relationship to enable it to grow into a strong marriage. Really it sounds like he hasn't fully made the transition from a single life.

Trust in him and the marriage and get as much support from friends and family as possible.

Last edited by meanon; 17th November 2003 at 9:40 PM..
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Old 4th December 2003, 10:25 PM   #12
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I have been married for 7 years. I am experiencing the same exact situation that you are. It happened early in our relationship and now 7 years later I am searching the internet for answers. I don't have any brilliant advice on how to make your husband a sexual person again, but I would like to share this one thing with you. Stop it early. Do not let it go! Do not get your feelings hurt and disconnect from this relationship. It will ultimately hurt more because the problem won't "just go away" and the longer you let it go the worse it becomes. Please don't give up, try every day until it works. I know how difficult it is when friends talk about how their husbands won't leave them alone and you would just give anything to have their problem. I know how lonely you feel for the person you used to have. Please don't let it go on for 7 years. We have been to the doctor, there is nothing physically wrong. It is so depressing. Please, even if it is uncomfortable, and even if it means you have to put your ego on the line, just get it resolved and move on. Life is too short to waste it. There are good times to be had. Don't stop talking about it until it is fixed. And if this is a control issue, then it is better to find out what you are dealing with now. Good luck, I'll be praying for you.
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