So glad I'm not the only one....

[Stormie]

For years now I have felt like I was alone in my hate of my husband watching porn. I have been trying to figure out what was causing him to turn to porn and honestly I am still somewhat confused. He had told me before that we weren't having enough sex, so I picked up the pace. He kept turning to porn. Then he said it was the lack of oral sex, so I picked up the pace on that too. He of course kept turning to porn. Every time I catch him he comes up with some reason why and I try to adjust to keep him happy but nothing works.

Just earlier this week there were 4 solid days that I never said no and did anything he asked, and still on the 4th night I found porn on him computer! What is left!? When I try to talk to him about it anymore in depth he says things like, " Every man in the world looks at porn, and if he says different he's lying." or "They're just videos, at least I'm not actually sleeping with other girls!" or other things like that.

In my mind when a man says "I do" and that you will be his one and only forever, he should mean it in every way. To me it is the same as cheating, regardless of the fact it is "just a video". I know he isn't thinking of me while he watches those other women, and if you cheat in your mind, how long until you do it in real life?

I have told him my concerns and he just shrugs it off. I have told him how much it hurts me when he does it and he says, " I promise never to do it again, I don't like hurting you." yet he always goes back to it.

So now I finally get to my question, should I stay, or should I go?

[InternationalPlayboy]

You could go, but honestly, every guy looks at porn. Except for the blind. Those that don't simply know how to hide it and lie better. If you leave him and expect the next guy to adhere to your rules you'll only be disappointed again. Likewise, he shouldn't promise to never look at porn - it's a promise he can't keep and he knows it. Even if he somehow breaks the mold and stops looking at porn entirely - he's still going to have that alone time where he can sit back, close his eyes and let his imagination wander and like you said that's practically the same thing.

 

It's a fantasy life and every human has one. But adults should be mature enough to not act upon those impulses and fantasies. If he says he wouldn't do it in real life - cheat with another woman - and you two have an otherwise good marriage, I'd take him at his word. Nonetheless, I wish you luck.

[machiavellian]

How high is his sex drive? I'm curious how often he looks at porn if you are having sex every day??

[Stormie]

Usually we have sex anywhere between 4-9 times a week, sometimes more. I have always thought that was about average because I was 18 when we got together. So it never really phased me, and I have always been able and eager to keep up. My biggest issue is that there have been times that I tried to come on to him in the evening and he said he was too tired or something, and I caught him watching porn later that night. Earlier today I asked him what I wasn't doing for him, so I could be enough and he told me that it wasn't that I wasn't enough, just that he was a man. Honestly the way it sounds to me is that he is bored and wants to sleep with other women or something, which, in all honesty, I would be fine with but he would have to let me sleep with other guys, and that is where the issue lies. I really am confused.

[Stormie]

I don't consider it an "addiction" just normal porn viewing if the guy isnt turning to porn instead of me, and hiding/lying about it... so at that point, I don't know if I would consider it cheating but I would feel betrayed.

 

He is doing all three of those things. To me it feels like cheating AND betrayal.

[redtail]

Usually we have sex anywhere between 4-9 times a week, sometimes more.

...

I really am confused.

 

Holy Crap, when does he have time to look at porn?!?! I'm confused too!

 

I hate to admit it, but I don't get oral (My wife isn't into it) and sex is for the most part about once a week. So, yes I occasionally view porn but not that often. But I'd have to say if my wife "picked up the pace" as you say you did, I'd give up my left nut!!

[controlledchaos]

porn became a huge issue for me and our marriage when he turned to IT instead of to me, started lying and hiding it, and started blaming our lackluster sex life on me.

 

he would barely ever have sex with me, but his hand sure saw a lot of action! he even bought himself a set of fleshlights ( about 4 yrs ago). so, basically, he wouldn't even need a warm body there at all.............

[aerogurl87]

Sounds to me like he has an addiction. The only time my boyfriend needs porn is when I'm not there with him physically and even then he'll take jerking off to some sexy pics of myself or watching me on cam to watching some porn princess.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Putting all porn aside, look at it as you would any argument: if you are 100% unwilling to even consider seeing things or even trying to understand it from his point of view, what is his motivation for trying to see things or understand them from your point of view?

 

I know that for any given situation, if I don't share the same opinion as someone else and they tell me point blank "you are wrong, period and I don't really care why you think that way" and then basically emotionally attack me with anger/tears/etc. I'm not too inclined to see things their way simply out of spite and anger.

 

His 'addiction' may simply be a subconscious passive aggressive reaction to your inflexibility.

 

If you can find a way to show him that you are willing to attempt to see things his way (not agree with, but simply to try to understand it) he might be more willing to do the same for you.

 

I'm not saying give him free range on porn, but to put your anger and hurt aside for a minute and talk to him about it. Get him to talk to you without him feeling like he is having to defend himself. Prepare yourself by looking into male sexual biochemistry and reasons for needing visual variety rather than throwing the "you made vows!" at him. If you go into it at least willing to try to communicate rather than attack, you will get a lot further than you are now.

 

You are entitled to your pain - that is a given, but the key to working your way out of this pain is to work from the inside out with your partner, not against him.

 

They say you attract more flies with honey than vinegar - the 'honey' isn't more sex in this case, it is real mutual communication.

[benmac360]

I am not sure I would label this "cheating", but his behavior is certainly disrespectful if its upsetting you. You might want to reassure him that your increase in sexual activity is not a reaction to his porn viewing, but its a genuine effort to please him and build intimacy in your marriage. He may feel that if he stops looking at it, your interest and the frequency will drop and he will go back to consuming porn. Is there a particular genre of porn he is watching? If so, have you tried it with him and were you enthusiastic or is it something that you refuse to do?

 

Also its a concern that you find a sexually open marriage more acceptable than his porn habit. How is your relationship outside of the bedroom?

[You Go Girl]

Well I believe as you do, and it was definitely a huge part of what destroyed my marriage.

Married men who think they are entitled to porn use, imo, are their own brand of cake eaters. It's like cheating yet they say since they didn't touch the flesh, they are innocent. Bullpuckey!

 

As to the remark that all men watch porn, nope, not true. I know of several. So ignore those remarks that always come from avid viewers who will defend their belief in their entitlement to the end.

 

I agree with Lucrenzia that if you don't want this one issue to blow up and destroy your marriage, you do have to have honest open communication about it. My stbx refused such communication.

 

Bottom line--men who love their wives, will stop because it upsets their wife--they don't need an argument--that it upsets their wife is enough to stop! Porn isn't more important than their wives feelings!

Men who hide it or refuse to stop such behavior are selfish. Their priorities are clear.

[redtail]

...

Bottom line--men who love their wives, will stop because it upsets their wife--they don't need an argument--that it upsets their wife is enough to stop!

...

 

I whole heartily agree with this!

[Honorable_Venerable]

 

 

Bottom line--men who love their wives, will stop because it upsets their wife--they don't need an argument--that it upsets their wife is enough to stop!

Question - does this work both ways - if a wife is doing something that upsets their husband should they stop immediately, no arguement, end of?

[You Go Girl]

Question - does this work both ways - if a wife is doing something that upsets their husband should they stop immediately, no arguement, end of?

 

Absolutely. Can you give examples?

Everything and anything is of course open for honest discussion and compromise.

But shouldn't the upsetting behavior cease and desist at least for the period of time in which it is discussed and (hopefully) understanding met and agreed to?

[InternationalPlayboy]

Well I believe as you do, and it was definitely a huge part of what destroyed my marriage.

Married men who think they are entitled to porn use, imo, are their own brand of cake eaters. It's like cheating yet they say since they didn't touch the flesh, they are innocent. Bullpuckey!

 

As to the remark that all men watch porn, nope, not true. I know of several. So ignore those remarks that always come from avid viewers who will defend their belief in their entitlement to the end.

 

I agree with Lucrenzia that if you don't want this one issue to blow up and destroy your marriage, you do have to have honest open communication about it. My stbx refused such communication.

 

Bottom line--men who love their wives, will stop because it upsets their wife--they don't need an argument--that it upsets their wife is enough to stop! Porn isn't more important than their wives feelings!

Men who hide it or refuse to stop such behavior are selfish. Their priorities are clear.

 

The first argument my wife and I had - about a month after we married centered on porn. She found porn (PORN!!!) on my computer and asked why.

 

Immediately, I began to apologize and started saying I downloaded it in a moment of weakness blah, blah, blah.

 

Even as I was saying it, I knew it was bull. So after about 30 minutes of tears and arguing etc. I said I told her the truth - I was looking at the pictures and masturbating. And I told her that masturbating is natural, it's not bad and it's not cheating. And that I preferred looking at porn when I masturbated. Of course, I assured her I loved her and always would, but I would still continue to masturbate and when I did I would most likely view porn.

 

Essentially, I stuck to my guns. I knew it could blow up in my face, but I also felt it was unrealistic to think I would never masturbate or look at porn for as long as we're married.

 

We discussed this for some time and eventually she came around and accepted it. Though I don't think she accepted it happily at first, she's certainly come around - she masturbates weekly at least, has her own toys and loves her porn videos and we subscribe to an adult television station. But I never had what I consider an "addiction."

 

Along the way, I'll admit I watch less porn now than I did then. Perhaps it's removal of the forbidden fruit that makes it less appealing or maybe I'm just getting older. I don't know.

 

But I can't imagine where we'd be if I'd promised her I'd never watch porn again. I find it unrealistic to require someone to never masturbate or look at porn while in a committed relationship. But perhaps I'm compartmentalizing.

 

As for those men that never look at porn - you've hit the jackpot if you know several men who don't ever watch porn. I've known men my entire life and have never met one so pure of heart. Consider yourself lucky.

Edited September 10, 2010 by InternationalPlayboy

[You Go Girl]

But I can't imagine where we'd be if I'd promised her I'd never watch porn again. I find it unrealistic to require someone to never masturbate or look at porn while in a committed relationship. But perhaps I'm compartmentalizing.

 

As for those men that never look at porn - you've hit the jackpot if you know several men who don't ever watch porn. I've known men my entire life and have never met one so pure of heart. Consider yourself lucky.

 

I find it unrealistic also to ask a partner to never masturbate. But masturbation doesn't have to include deliberate thoughts of infidelity. It may contain a scenario without a graphic image of another woman in mind. I don't equate asking a man to not watch porn the same as asking a man to not masturbate. You combine these two as if inseparable, many such as myself do not.

Impure thoughts? Well I don't expect to marry an angel. But I will seek out a man who can understand that for most women, their man staring at an image of another woman while masturbating is disrespectful to say the least. I am not the thought police. But I do expect my man to aspire to thoughts of fidelity, if not always succeed.

Particularly while in the sexual act with me. I expect my man to be present in the moment connecting with the person he is currently with. I don't think that is too much to ask for. And, in my not so humble opinion, those present in the moment with the partner they are currently with are MUCH BETTER LOVERS.

Of the men I know who don't watch porn, one is an old friend and states that he views porn as degrading to women, and he has 3 teenage daughters. This man has no reason to lie to me whatsoever. He offered upl this information some years ago freely, without any questioning by me. That led to more indepth discussions on the matter. I know another man who feels the same way. I also know several LS posters (men) who have stated it is not their thing.

I also know a couple men that porn does nothing for them. They are not in tune with the fantasy. They reject it because they view it as disconnected enough from reality that they are simply not interested.

Now if you want to state that 80% or more of men view porn, I will concur. But all...nope...not true.

[InternationalPlayboy]

I also know a couple men that porn does nothing for them. They are not in tune with the fantasy. They reject it because they view it as disconnected enough from reality that they are simply not interested.

 

They just haven't looked hard enough...

[midlife2011]

If you love him as you say you do, then you have to accept this as part of him. You can't just love certain aspects of your H.

 

Also, you may need to step it up in the bedroom. H has a problem with emotional intimacy, stemming from childhood issues such as dominating parents or an embedded lack of self esteem.

 

H is acting out certain fantasies in porn that he does not feel comfortable asking you to do. And if he asks for it, then he's going to feel like you are just doing it b.c you he told you, which doesn't count.

 

Get creative on this. When he is not around, go into the computer and look at his history folder. Find the porn he is watching. Find out what excites him, and then see if you can surprise him by springing that on him one day.

 

Sex is fun, have fun with it. If he loves you, and you surprise him, then over time he will feel less and less excited about porn and want the real thing - with you!

[Honorable_Venerable]

Absolutely. Can you give examples?

Everything and anything is of course open for honest discussion and compromise.

But shouldn't the upsetting behavior cease and desist at least for the period of time in which it is discussed and (hopefully) understanding met and agreed to?

"Every single time I try to get us to have sex (make love / delete as applicable) you knock me back. I find this hurtful and demeaning."

 

Wife's answer: "It isn't a buyer's market."

[Toodamnpragmatic]

How young are you? While I think you are absolutely wrong about porn, there definitely is porn that can/does cross the proverbial line and should be a "dealbreaker".....

 

However the fact you felt you had to "pick up your game" and become somewhat subservient and still it is not enough is troubling.....

 

4-9X's a week and he still needs to run off when YOU are in the MOOD is an issue.

 

Please stop flaunting that you are having so much sex here..... Some of us just are way too envious.....

[InceptorsRule]

For years now I have felt like I was alone in my hate of my husband watching porn.

 

Someone else hates your husband's use of porn? That must have been an interesting conversation.

 

 

I have been trying to figure out what was causing him to turn to porn and honestly I am still somewhat confused.

 

There's nothing at all confusing about a man's use of porn. He's horny and wants to masturbate, porn makes masturbation more fun to do.

 

 

 

ace. H He had told me before that we weren't having enough sex, so I picked up the pace kept turning to porn. Then he said it was the lack of oral sex, so I picked up the pace on that too. He of course kept turning to porn.

 

So, you're competing with porn and feel that you're losing? You're being pretty vague about exactly what it is that he's getting from the porn, that he's not getting from you. "Oral sex" can mean different things to different people.

 

Also you've said absolutely nothing about your appearance. Some of the women who come on LS to complain about porn seem to have pretty serious body image issues of one kind or another.

 

 

Every time I catch him he comes up with some reason why and I try to adjust to keep him happy but nothing works.

 

LOL at "catch" him. He's not an adolescent boy. There's no law against masturbating to porn and he's fully entitled to do it. You speak of his use of porn to masturbate as if it's some kind of abnormality. It's not.

 

 

 

Just earlier this week there were 4 solid days that I never said no and did anything he asked, and still on the 4th night I found porn on him computer!

 

So? There's nothing intrinsically wrong with porn. It is what it is.

 

 

 

 

What is left!?

 

Acceptance by you, that your h's use of porn to masturbate is perfectly within the normal range of male behavior. IOW nothing is left except that you leave the poor guy alone about this.

 

 

 

g.When I try to talk to him about it anymore in depth he says things like, " Every man in the world looks at porn, and if he says different he's lyin" or "They're just videos, at least I'm not actually sleeping with other girls!" or other things like that.

 

I'd certainly agree that every man in the world who has a working broadband connection probably masturbates to porn to some extent or another.

 

I think your confusion on this entire issue is coming from your failure to understand that he owns his penis, not you. You didn't get ownership of it just because you married him. He can take it out and play with it if he wants even if you're not around.

 

 

 

 

In my mind when a man says "I do" and that you will be his one and only forever, he should mean it in every way.

 

In his mind he likes to masturbate to porn now and again.

 

I have NEVER heard anyone before opine that taking a marriage vow requires relinquishing masturbation with use of porn to masturbate.

 

 

 

To me it is the same as cheating, regardless of the fact it is "just a video".

 

Not only is this completely ridiculous, it incredibly trivializes cheating. What you are actually saying here is that in your world, no one is allowed to fantasize about having sex with another person. Honey you don't really need porn to have sexual fantasies, they just make it easier. So you're saying if a woman imagines she's having sex with Justin Timberlake instead of her husband, that's the same as cheating? Ridiculous.

 

 

 

I know he isn't thinking of me while he watches those other women, and if you cheat in your mind, how long until you do it in real life?

 

If you keep nagging him about this maybe not too long.

 

 

 

I have told him my concerns and he just shrugs it off. I have told him how much it hurts me when he does it and he says, " I promise never to do it again, I don't like hurting you." yet he always goes back to it.

So now I finally get to my question, should I stay, or should I go?

 

There are serious issues in your marriage and you want to blame it all on your h's porn use, which is obviously a symptom. However it allows you to put all the blame on your h for your fulfillment of your desire to leave this marriage.

 

The mere fact that you are actually contemplating leaving the marriage over something this trivial indicates to me that you very likely have your own ulterior motive, which generally in these cases is that you have your eye on another man, want to leave the marriage and get with the other man, but need some excuse to blame the failure of the m on your h.

[You Go Girl]

Someone else hates your husband's use of porn? That must have been an interesting conversation.

 

Don't patronize her.

 

 

There's nothing at all confusing about a man's use of porn. He's horny and wants to masturbate, porn makes masturbation more fun to do.

There's much confusing if they haven't agreed as a couple to this form of sexual entertainment, and yes, it is a couple's decision, not just the man's right.

 

So, you're competing with porn and feel that you're losing? You're being pretty vague about exactly what it is that he's getting from the porn, that he's not getting from you. "Oral sex" can mean different things to different people.

 

Also you've said absolutely nothing about your appearance. Some of the women who come on LS to complain about porn seem to have pretty serious body image issues of one kind or another.

Oh please, the you might be a fat slob argument? Don't MAKE her compare herself to porn girls. Your statement above does just that.

 

LOL at "catch" him. He's not an adolescent boy. There's no law against masturbating to porn and he's fully entitled to do it. You speak of his use of porn to masturbate as if it's some kind of abnormality. It's not.

Wrong. He's not entitled to any form of sexual release involving other women without a frank discussion with his wife.

 

So? There's nothing intrinsically wrong with porn. It is what it is.

That's debatable.

 

Acceptance by you, that your h's use of porn to masturbate is perfectly within the normal range of male behavior. IOW nothing is left except that you leave the poor guy alone about this.

Wrong. Again, a married man is not "entitled" to porn.

I'd certainly agree that every man in the world who has a working broadband connection probably masturbates to porn to some extent or another.

Wrong. I know 6 off the top of my head that don't, and I don't discuss this topic with many people.

I think your confusion on this entire issue is coming from your failure to understand that he owns his penis, not you. You didn't get ownership of it just because you married him. He can take it out and play with it if he wants even if you're not around.

He does "own" his penis. He does not "own" the right to "use" porn without this being an agreed upon decision between husband and wife.

 

In his mind he likes to masturbate to porn now and again.

 

I have NEVER heard anyone before opine that taking a marriage vow requires relinquishing masturbation with use of porn to masturbate.

I won't marry again without one. And yes, I will get married again.

Not only is this completely ridiculous, it incredibly trivializes cheating. What you are actually saying here is that in your world, no one is allowed to fantasize about having sex with another person. Honey you don't really need porn to have sexual fantasies, they just make it easier. So you're saying if a woman imagines she's having sex with Justin Timberlake instead of her husband, that's the same as cheating? Ridiculous.

There are degrees of fantasy. A graphic visual involving a naked woman having sex is very different from a music star. It is the graphic sex that makes it too real for the man. Now there is a machine that you can run out and buy to go along with the porn, it will mimic the porn movements. This is pathetic.

If you keep nagging him about this maybe not too long.

She's not married to you, and surely never wants to be, so don't speak for her H.

There are serious issues in your marriage and you want to blame it all on your h's porn use, which is obviously a symptom. However it allows you to put all the blame on your h for your fulfillment of your desire to leave this marriage.

Wrong. She is upset about the porn itself, period, no other issues attached. I suggest that you don't jump to conclusions about this woman, as you are not one, and obviously don't understand her view.

The mere fact that you are actually contemplating leaving the marriage over something this trivial indicates to me that you very likely have your own ulterior motive, which generally in these cases is that you have your eye on another man, want to leave the marriage and get with the other man, but need some excuse to blame the failure of the m on your h.

Wow. Now you are deciding that she has men on her mind that she wants to be with sexually.

Yet it is you, and your type, that are the ones who have this fantasy on a regular basis with porn use. Yet you accuse her of that, with absolutely no justification in doing so.

I won't stand by and watch you try to intimidate this woman to take on your point of view, nor belittle her emotions, while you vehemently defend porn.

[midlife2011]

Please tell me this last post with all the bold in it was a joke?

 

I'm new here and can't tell if people are joking or if there are actually women on this planet who think like this?

[Honorable_Venerable]

Please tell me this last post with all the bold in it was a joke?

 

I'm new here and can't tell if people are joking or if there are actually women on this planet who think like this?

 

Probably a fair number, and some men too. IIRC, somewhere in the new testament Jesus says something about adultery of the mind being no less bad that doing it in the flesh. Whilst you obviously don't buy into the idea (and for the record, I don't either), there is obviously a well-established precedent for thinking like this.

[taiko]

I find it unrealistic also to ask a partner to never masturbate. But masturbation doesn't have to include deliberate thoughts of infidelity. It may contain a scenario without a graphic image of another woman in mind. I don't equate asking a man to not watch porn the same as asking a man to not masturbate. You combine these two as if inseparable, many such as myself do not.

Impure thoughts? Well I don't expect to marry an angel. But I will seek out a man who can understand that for most women, their man staring at an image of another woman while masturbating is disrespectful to say the least. I am not the thought police. But I do expect my man to aspire to thoughts of fidelity, if not always succeed.

.

 

He may not be thinking of another women. However in most couples cases only professionally made movies are those with "other women". It is possible to take the act and mind bend that porn starlet and stud into the two of you actually doing that as the man masturbates. Or at least that is what I did when in a LDR.

 

There are also the things a partner won't do, say groups anal or whatever.