kellybean Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 My husband is so obsessed with his friends it really hurts my feelings. He works nights and I work days and somtimes weekends so time together is rare. He could switch to days but he enjoys "the guys" on his evening shift and I want him to be happy so I don't pressure him. On the minimal time we have together on the weekends he will choose to spend it with "the guys" he went to school with while time spent with me must be spent drinking, watching t.v. or with 50 people around at a big party. I don't want to control him just like he doesn't control me and I don't want pity company just because I nag about it. But at the same time, he doesn't miss me, he doesn't schedule time with me so we can be together more often and when I say something about it like, "we won't see eachother all week, or Friday or Saturday," he'll say "well, I'm spending Sunday with you" or "I HAVE to spend all next weekend with you, all the guys are going out of town" Have to? Nice. I'm really glad my husband feels I'm an obligation instead of a desire (sarcasm). I chose to not move to another state to stay here and be with him and marry him and for what, a lonely, emotionally shallow relationship. I literally feel single. He is a great guy, a real "guy's guy",a charmer and very vocal about saying I love you and such. But he's never around and it doesn't bother him one bit. I've tried to set up date nights but the scary thing is, when there is no drinking or friends or t.v. around, we hardly have anything to talk about. It's all small talk. I miss feeling "in tune" with someone, I miss talking analytically and dreaming with someone. I'm afraid I married a great guy but not the right guy. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 Everyone knows, you spend time on what you value. hmmmm... You must mediate a little, he must compromise a little. And even if you are married, continue a date night. Ask what he's thinking, feeling. Ask questions on this thoughts about what a relationship should be. Ask what his dreams and goals are, ask stupid questions, meaningful questions, then listen. He may be talking about stuff you aren't interested in, so you aren't listening and he stops talking. Then there's always sex.... Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 Stop pursuing. go out with your own friends, or visit family or go to a movie by yourself. If you feel single, then have an active single life -- I don't mean see other men, but fill you time with activities that don't include him. If he never notices, or thinks its great then I would suggest counseling or a divorce lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellybean Posted August 12, 2003 Author Share Posted August 12, 2003 I do ask him questions and I get one syllable answers or "I don't know" He won't talk unless it's about the dogs or something superficial. He doesn't tell me about work, he doesn't tell me about his childhood. I pry and pry and apparently before he met me nothing ever happened in his life. If I tell him about my life before I met him it appears he is daydreaming or he says "that's in the past,it doesn't matter" but my past is what made me who I am today! Doesn't he want to KNOW me like I want to know him?? I took a new job this week that I can come home for lunch and just yesterday it dawned on me that I can spend lunch with him everyday. When I told him, he laughed, he had already realized that but never said anything about it. Friday night they are having "boys night out" and I have to work Saturday but he "can't" switch it. If I tell him he can't go, he won't but then he'll mope around and act like I need to give him the ultimate entertainment to make up for all the fun I'm MAKING HIM miss. Link to post Share on other sites
Thor Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 I've been here before. I just know it. That's right! I lived through this before. I can't tell you "how" to make your husband feel any differently. The only thing that I share with you is that I had the same characteristics of your husband at one point, but that I no longer am at that extreme any longer. Why the change? It wasn't anything that my wife did overtly. She's a very vibrant woman and cheerful and always very supportive of the kids and I. Well, a few years ago I noticed that she was not so vibrant and cheerful. So I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she wasn't very happy because we never spent any time together. This is because after we would put the kids to bed I would either hang out with my friends all night, or hang out playing video games. And she was very right. So, for awhile there, I stopped hanging out with the fellas, and stopped playing video games and spent my free time with her. I guess the difference is that I did it on my own. I wish I could tell you differently, but I think your husband will have to come to that decision on his own as well. I'm not sure if this will help you, but I hope it does. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 "before he met me nothing ever happened in his life" Well, you could write a comedy. Ok, there's got to be some common ground. I think this is definitely salvagable. You have a sense of humor, it shows... He must, like usually finds like. Figure out the middleground. Lunch can be fun. Make him laugh, and you need to laugh a lot more! Hell, the past is a long time ago, he's right in that it doesn't matter. It sounds like you could learn a few things from him. And he can learn from you. But I must ask, before you married, was it not like this as well??? Did you envision him being different? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellybean Posted August 12, 2003 Author Share Posted August 12, 2003 The past is in the past and I don't dwell in the past as I may have given you the impression. I am not even talking about the bad past, good past too. How long his parents were married? Did he like his first step mom? Was he hurt when his Mom moved away? What was it like being Captain of the football team? Why didn't he become a fireman like he wanted? Did he ever really like a girl? How far did he go with them? Anything!!!! He has 25 years of memories before he met me and I would like some insight into them. These are normal conversations people have, about there dreams, there disappontments, there opinions on social and religious issues. If you don't talk about anything deep than the most exciting thing you talk about is that the water resrtiction is over so maybe our lawn won't look brown anymore,lol. I just need more of him. I need an intimacy he won't give me and I can't force. Sometimes he draws closer but then he separates again. I'm just hoping he'll grow out of it but it's not looking good. **THOR** thanks for you comments, they were sweet, I'm hoping my hubby will someday do the same. Maybe he just doesn't realize how important closeness is for girls Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted August 13, 2003 Share Posted August 13, 2003 I think it used to be called testosterone poisoning. That's when guys are still cavemen... I hope he didn't hit you over the head with a club and drag you home and marry you. That was a joke, but I will seriously say, I hope he is affectionate in the bedroom, and knows the difference between sex and making love. You want emotional intimacy. He's obviously scared of it. I'll bet his father was exactly like that. I would start there. Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted August 15, 2003 Share Posted August 15, 2003 I make an effort to make time for my wife. If I don't she gets nutty. Men have to make time for thier SO's. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted August 15, 2003 Share Posted August 15, 2003 you are a good man then! Women need that! Link to post Share on other sites
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