Problems trusting my husband

[Softsoul]

I've posted here about problems with my now husband (we've been married for 3 months now) before we got married. I know my problems are minor in comparison to what the others are going through, but I would still like to get some advice/comment...

Basically te problems we had were connected with the emotional infidelity on his part. I think I forgave him for that before we got married. But, there was also one thing that still bothers me that I haven't posted about.

My husband had a one-night stand one month before we first met. After his emotional affair(s), I had trust issues and went through his e-mails (I'm not very proud of that). And I found out he was still talking to that one-night stand woman online for quite a long time into our relationship. The conversations were innocent but it still bothers me. And he sent her about 20 forwarded messages (some of them were quite vulgar) that he sent to me too. When I asked him who the address was from, he lied to me and said it was "just a friend" and not the one-night stand. But, I know from one conversation he had that this was one and the same person. He also admitted to this later on, and stopped all contact with her.

Having a one-night stand is totally against my values, let alone staying in contact with them when being in a serious relationship. Am I wrong for thinking this way, and making a mountain out of a molehill?

And I know I'm still having trust issues. He's been very faithful to me, emotionally and physically, for the last year and a half. Yet I don't know how to re-build my trust in him.

[witabix]

It seems you are quite a sensitive person. Your value judgement of one night stands can't really be used to judge his behaviour before you met him can it? Your time to exercise that view was definitely before you got married.

 

The lying part is a bigger issue to me. That kind of thing always comes back to haunt me. Once I have been lied to I find it hard to take anything at face value ever again. The only thing I can say is time will tell, this implies a risk. All R's carry risk, no matter how sure you are or become.

 

If you are committed then you may wish to give him the space to prove himself.

He's been very faithful to me, emotionally and physically, for the last year and a half.

 

That is a perfect example of my point. It is up to him to prove his trustworthiness not up to you to project it onto him through what may prove to be a false belief.

[You Go Girl]

Of course you should be concerned. If you weren't, then I'd think you were being naive.

Your H has questionable boundaries. He lies sometimes. It may seem like it is not seriously threatening things, but it is. He's not taking marriage seriously enough. That leaves you with the question: What will he do in the future? Can I even trust him now?

I think you need to sit down, and honestly hash it all out. Tell him flat out that you know he has lied to you, and that he has been in contact with the ONS.

Then make sure the conversation progresses to the real issue, which is not that you spied on him, which is not that he contacted the ONS. The real issue is that the trust in the marriage is in jeopardy. That marriage needs to be an open book. That little things like this (if that's all it is) can add up, and later create big problems. That he needs to be honest and have protective boundaries set up to protect his marriage, your feelings, and his own feelings. That marriage has to be a fortress with both of you standing guard to protect it, else later, someone outside of the marriage will find an open unprotected lookout on that fortress and penetrate it, and that you certainly don't want that person to be welcomed into the fortress by your H or you.