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Is my new husband on the rebound from his ex??

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Old 8th August 2010, 12:28 PM   #1
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Is my new husband on the rebound from his ex??

I got married to my boyfriend last weekend 6 months after we met and 4 months since we started living together. It was a small wedding at the registry office as we both had messy divorces.

When I first met him, he had just had a very messy breakup with his ex girlfriend a few days before. They broke up because her parents didn't approve of him (he is divorced with a small child but doesn't have any contact with him) and she couldn't go against them. A few weeks after we started dating, he got back in touch with his ex girlfriend and said he was still deeply in love with her as she was the love of his life. I was really unhappy about it but initially I accepted it because I had serious visa issues and I thought he might be able to help me stay in this country. However as time went on my feelings for him deepened and I got more and more upset about it. I cried every time he went out to see her and told him how much he was hurting me. I also told him I didn't just want to be with him for the visa which he thought was the reason I wanted to be with him. He was surprised by how strongly I felt about him. The night before he moved in with me, he spent the night with her and that's when she found out about me. I should add that we stopped sleeping together at this point.

Over the following months he broke up with her a few times but kept on going back to her because he said he just couldn't stay away. Finally I issued him with an ultimatum and threatened to throw him out that very evening (he moved into my place after he lost his job) unless he called her and dumped her in front of me. He did this but they still kept seeing each other. I know this because I hacked into his emails and phone records. Over the last 6 months, he had seen and phoned her constantly and sent many emails and messages declaring his love and she clearly felt the same. I'm not proud of snooping but I needed to know. I tried to convince him that his relationship with her had no future as she was due to be introduced to someone else for marriage (she is Asian and arranged marriages are part of her culture) but he said he didn't care and needed to see her. He also said that although he thought I was nice, he didn't have any feelings for me, wasn't in love with me and couldn't marry me because he thought two people should only marry for true love.

Something then changed and he suggested we get married so we started the formalities. A few days before the wedding, he told me he was taking his ex girlfriend out for her birthday and would be spending the night with her. I was devastated and made a huge scene. In the end, he didn't spend the night but ended things with her as her intended husband was due in the country in 2 weeks time. He assured her his heart would always belong to her and he was sorry for ending things but he had no choice given her circumstances. The day before we were due to get married, he sent her a very long email and had a long conversation with her saying goodbye and giving his final bitter take on their relationship. He believes she used him and never had any intention of marrying him.

Since we got married, he has been great, very loving and attentive. As far as I know he texted his ex only once since the wedding to tell her had gotten married, it was time to move on and confirming that he had made the right decision. He has updated his status on facebook and put up our wedding pictures. Previously his facebook profile made reference to how much he loved his ex. None of his family or friends even knew I existed before he changed his status.

What I am concerned about is whether he has married me on the rebound and just to beat his ex to the altar as she is due to be married very shortly. Is he really able to forget his ex so quickly, the woman he called the love of his life and be completely devoted to me and our marriage or will she always haunt us. I know that he doesn't love me but he said that now his ex is out of the picture and we get on quite well, he is sure he will able to love me given time. The only reason we fought before was over her.

Am I deluded into thinking our marriage will last or do we have a chance now that she has gone for good and there is no chance she will be back. Advice please!!
Madison310 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th August 2010, 12:57 PM   #2
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Personally, I am surprised that you even put up with him and his yo-yo.

I would ask him to be transparent with you about his texts and his emails.
Also state he remains in no contact with her.

I wonder is he happy with you now? Are you fulfilling each others emotional needs?

Only you know if your deluding yourself. What has he said about his feelings for you and your future? Children?
BellaBellaBella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th August 2010, 9:19 PM   #3
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Why would you want to marry somebody who didn't love you back?
Don't settle for crumbs when you want the whole cake.
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Old 10th August 2010, 12:51 AM   #4
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I would like to suggest you that ask your husband to be clear for his relation with his ex and don't cheat you. I can't understand that if you know that he is in contact with his ex than why you marry that person. Well you have already done this so now tell your husband to be loyal in your relationship, if he doesn't agree to leave his ex than you should leave your husband.
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