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What do you do when you have a great wife BUT she's lost all interest

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 12th September 2003, 3:50 PM   #16
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Many times, in unhappy marriages, the men withdraw, and women seek out others.
Men and women who probably should never have married since marriage requires communication. If you haven't the necessary skills to be a married person, then for sure don't marry.

Some advice after 42 years.. once a woman is gone from you emotionally, she aint coming back.
This is an example of a person extrapolating from the personal to the general; i.e. 'this happened to me/is true for me therefore it must be true for everyone'. That would only be a good syllogism if the second statement was 'All humans are exactly the same'.

The key to recovering even a terrible marriage is that both people need to want to fix it. Again, this is a requirement for marriage. The commitment to marriage isn't supposed to be 'only when it's easy and otherwise I'll give up'; it's supposed to be 'if something goes wrong, I'll try to fix it'.

Having said that, it certainly is a heluva task figuring out whether the person you plan to marry is the sort of person who will commit to fixing it rather than bailing should problems arise. Wish there was a test...

If both of you admit that you wish it was now like it used to be, there's hope. If one of you gives up and thinks 'like it used to be' can never return, you are sunk.
I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
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Old 12th September 2003, 4:00 PM   #17
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I know I said this in my earlier post, but I really really really just want to emphasize this:


These people who feel as though they've made the connection of a lifetime with someone whom they've never met except via the web... what is happening there? Some bizarre inexplicable phenomenon? NO! It's called TALKING. (okay, so technically typing.) It's called communicating! The notion that people get sick of each other, and are unwilling to do whatever with each other blah blah blah...we're all so damn busy talking about the problems we're having with loved ones to complete strangers on the internet or best friends on the phone whilst neglecting to tell the person with whom we're having the problem in the first place, thereby growing more and more resentful and such, whilst the neglectee is off doing something likely identical...


I apologize for the potentially nonsensical blabber. But for god's sake, if we can't talk to the person we're with then what makes us think that talking to total strangers is going to solve our problems!?!?

Insight is one thing...taking that insight into your life and applying it is another thing entirely.
"Mom...The Easter Bunny...HAS EGGS!!" My four year old daughter as she literally falls to the ground laughing hysterically, marking one of the most completely absurd yet strangely fulfilling moments in my life - ever.
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Old 12th September 2003, 4:06 PM   #18
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we're all so damn busy talking about the problems we're having with loved ones to complete strangers on the internet or best friends on the phone whilst neglecting to tell the person with whom we're having the problem in the first place,
So True!!
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Old 16th September 2003, 11:10 PM   #19
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I agree with you wholeheartedly on this. Once she has "lost it" there is no going back I fear.
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Old 20th June 2004, 1:45 PM   #20
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Exclamation Having feelings for another man

I feel for you that you are going through this. It's not something that you should have to deal with for the rest of your life. You did say what a wonderful woman your wife is, so I am sure that she cares for you and doesn't want you to be unhappy. I would be very honest with her, tell her how the lack of sex is making you feel and that you do not want to be with another woman, you want her. Suggest counceling, maybe that will get to the root of the problem. You and she definately need to communicate about this.

I am in a situation with my husband where I am no longer attracted to him, and I don't know if I can ever get it back. It has come through years of emotional neglect (he won't even hug me if I am having a bad day) and verbal abuse. Although I know he loves me, he just won't show it. We have four wonderful children together, and he is a pretty good dad, although a little rough on our oldest, but not physically so. I have considered divorce, but when I do this, he goes nuts and tells me that he will make things as difficult as possible for me, and I reconsider because of the emotional damage I feel it will cause the children. My only option I feel is to wait for the children to grow up and move out, then I can go my own way. In the meantime, my kids are happy that they have mommy and daddy, my husband seems content to ignore me, and I have become very lonely and have developed feelings for another man. I haven't acted on those feelings, I'm not even sure if he knows I have feelings for him. Its a very frustrating and depressing thing to go through.

I hope that you two can get some help, I have suggested counceling to my husband a few times, and he adamantly refuses. You're wife might be more receptive. Good luck to you!l
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Old 21st June 2004, 12:24 AM   #21
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Yes you can

This does seem so common.

Even when they are gone, you CAN get them back, not always of course. But if there is love, there is smoke.

I am not sure if sex outside of my marriage helped me get through the tough times or if it made it harder to stay.

I know it made me resent my wife even more, though I never had a affair as such (ie I never fell in love with the extramarital one.....nor her with me...we are still friends now we just do not "see" each other for a few years now).

I do think that all marriages go through cycles, I think that you have to make the most of the up cycles and weather the down cycles, sometimes these cycles can last an intolerably long time and it does take a lot of effort to recover from those. I can not say if I had my time again if I would do again what I have done, its a tough call. But I can say that I believe we came through it and that my wife and I probably have more feelings now for each other than ...well for a very long time. I do not know what will happen when the kids are old enough to leave home, that does scare me a bit, but then that is a long time off.

Handling the lack of intimacy aspect could be partially as I get older I know that I can handle my sex drive better (or mebbe hormone levels are finally plateuing)...I am one of these guys who could (still could do it 3 times a day if I had a willing partner, once a week is still a bit hard to take (now days), although what broke me was a 18 month stint 6-7 years ago. At least these days she does make a effort, but it was not always like that, and it did not change over night, it took a long time and a lot of effort on...both our parts. But her caring enough to make an effort was/is worth a lot to me.....I think that a lot of people are simply not prepared to make this effort, but it depends I guess on how much value you place on the familly. Straight away I can see the critiques saying.....if you placed so much value on familly why did u seek external gratification.....answer, probably out of desperation is the honest answer.

To those oh so judgemental people out there, go take a flying leap. The world nor people are ideal, how about trying to be constructive instead of focusing on criticism
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