Emotional Distance

[Wednesday's Child]

My husband and I have been married almost 3 yrs. He is 44 and I'm 41. We've both been married once before, and all children are almost grown. (his youngest is 13, lives with mom) We've both had bad relationships in the past. Trust is a somewhat shaky issue for both of us.

 

I was married to my first husband 20 yrs, so it wasn't a short term thing. He had some personal problems, got hooked on prescription painpills and became emotionally unattached and violent at times. I tried to help him. I tried to tell him that we needed emotional connection. He was deaf to my pleas. I ended up leaving him, for another man who was "there for me emotionally". That didn't work out. My current husband left his own wife under similar circumstances.

 

Fastforward to now. I love my husband so much. I go out of my way to make sure he doesn't have a reason to not trust me. And I've not been talking to anyone else - I learned my lesson the first time.

 

The thing is, he has become more and more emotionally unavailable recently. LOT of life events. He lost his job, we lost our home, moved to another state, he has a custody battle. Major things that are certainly weighing on his mind. But.... I am here for him. I love him, and keep trying to tell him that we've got to have the emotional connect thing, or it's not going to work, and he doesn't hear me.

 

He used to talk out problems with me, listen when I needed him to, and made me feel like I was number one in his life. Lately, not so much. And it's been feeding my already -massive insecurities. I've tried everything that I can think of to "reach" him.

 

I don't have family to talk to. I don't have friends. And I'm getting to the end of my rope. How can I get through to him before it's too late?

[ComputerJock]

There are a lot of online sources for help. Love Shack is one of them. Another good one is MarriageBuilders. Reading previous posts can give you ideas on what to do. Being on Love Shack you are going to get responses from people who have been through tough times and have come here for advice and have ended up staying because they are now experienced and can and will give you feedback. Remember you are not alone, we are here to help, to guide you, and to give you further sources to read and help you with your problems.

[xxoo]

I love him' date=' and keep [b']trying to tell him that we've got to have the emotional connect thing[/b], or it's not going to work, and he doesn't hear me.

 

He used to talk out problems with me, listen when I needed him to, and made me feel like I was number one in his life. Lately, not so much. And it's been feeding my already -massive insecurities. I've tried everything that I can think of to "reach" him.

 

About the bolded, do you generally say it like that? Because that seems *big and vague* to me (a communicative woman), and I can only imagine how it sounds to the typical guy. My H shuts down when I talk about talking, or get emotional about emotions

 

One idea is to express very specific needs, and give him some control of the timing: "I need to talk to you about ______. When can we talk?"

 

I don't have family to talk to. I don't have friends. And I'm getting to the end of my rope. How can I get through to him before it's too late?

 

You need to make some friends! Remember that you H can't be all things for you. He'll never meet all of your needs, and it isn't healthy or realistic to expect him to do so. Do you need some ideas on how to meet people and make friends?