Resentful Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I consider myself a very out-going, attractive 33 year old woman. I'm a mother to a two year little boy and a step-mom to a ten year old. I'm also a wife, but sometimes I feel like a widow. I work hard, make above average income, and take excellent care of my son. My husband and I sleep in seperate beds. We work opposite schedules and rarely spend any time together, let alone QUALITY time together. There is NO romance, very little sex and my husband is so wrapped up in his job (which he finds very rewarding) that he has no time for me. My happiness is not a priority in his life. I've expressed my feelings numerous times over the years. He's an honest man, we've been together for ten years: married for four, living together for nine approximately. I don't suspect him of infidelity because over a decade he has proved to be an genuinely honest person who comes from a family with good morals/values. Althouh sometimes I DO speculate why he works such long hours. He takes no genuine personal interest in me or anything that goes on in my life. There is no affection, other than a peck in the morning and in the evening and maybe a quick one armed hug on his part. Part of me hates him for not loving me. The other part of me just wants to leave him and be better off. We sleep in seperate rooms (this started when my newborn was sleeping in the bed with me and has continued for over a year). I wake up alone, I work/I commute, I come home in the evenings to an empty house (with the exception of my son & step-son if it's our week to have him), and I go to bed alone. Sex 5 times over the last year and not often before that (after my son was born).Regular sex stopped after my son was born. I'm tired of being alone. I deserve to be loved, could easily have my choice of men. Not to mention ones who could actually provide for me, but by choice, not necessity. I miss having a man who desires me emotionally, sexually, and just enjoys my company. I'm lonely and I'm beautiful. I don't NEED my husband, but feel obligated to the "til death do us part" vow in front of God thing (I meant that more seriously than it sounded). Not to mention, I love him...just not sure I'm in love with him anymore. After what seems like a few years of marital neglect I'm fed up. I DESERVE to be loved and I don't feel loved. Then there is the custody issues, marital property divorce drama I couldn't bear emotionally right now. I watch romantic movies and/or see couples and get jealous and LONG for a man who does some of the things I see other REAL people do. I WISH I had a man like that. I understand having activities that don't involve you significant other, but didn't think that was supposed to be EVERY activity. I want to feel passion, I want to feel love again. My husband can no longer, or no longer wishes to provide it. Any THOUGHTFUL responses would be appreciated. At times I want to cry because I don't think my husband loves me anymore when I'm a good monther, home-maker, wife, step-mom and more. There is nothing i wouldn't do for my family and I don't understand how he can be content KNOWING i'm unhappy. He KNOWS how I feel about about the fact that he's not affectionate toward me AT ALL. I've communicated clearly, he just doesn't care or doesn't want to listen. I made alot of changes and sacrifices to be a good wife. Sometimes I just wish he was a better husband. We don't cuddle at all. I'm turning in to a bitter grouch and that's not who I want to be. Several times I've though of leaving him and taking my son. I'm his primary financial provider and his preference after all. He's a momma's boy. I would encourage a good relationship with his father, which I'm sure my husband would want. Sometimes I'm a wreck emotionally. In additon to a stressful job, I have no emotional or physical outlets, aside from they gym. I complain to my mom (one of my best friends) and it makes my husband look bad. I don't want to hurt him by leaving, but it hurts me to stay. Then I wonder...if I did leave, would I later regret it? I speculate that he may feel inadequate by the fact that I've always made more money than him. As well as the fact that it seems nothing he ever does is good enough. Bottom line is: MY HUSBAND IS NOT SATISFYING MY NEEDS AND I DON'T SEE THAT CHANGING ANY TIME SOON. I've communicated clearly numerous times. E-mails, text messages, verbally...what else can I do? We can't even see a marriage counselor because it doesn't fit around our busy work schedules, and neither of us have very flexible hours due to the type of work that we do. I NEED HELP, I NEED LOVE, I NEED AFFECTION, I NEED COMPANSIONSHIP. I HAVE NONE!...but could easily get it elsewhere...suggestions? thoughts? someone? anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Hi, welcome to LS and please attempt to break up the wall of text with paragraphs. Thanks My first impression is you all have an excellent business arrangement. Evidently one of you is unhappy with that arrangement. Dissolving a business partnership can be a painful, expensive and emotional process. Perhaps it's time for some negotiation in front of a professional third party... Link to post Share on other sites
Disintegration Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I was going to say you definitely should go to marriage counseling together. I know it may be hard to take time off but this is your marriage, you have to work at it and try everything possible first so you know you did everything in your power to salvage your relationship. Have one of your parents watch your son while you are at counseling. I know you've told him how you feel and it is going in one ear out the other. Does he have bad communication skills? Does he only hear what he wants to hear? It'll probably take something drastic to happen to make him realize you mean business, I'm not saying cheating but maybe you filing for a divorce, which isn't what you want to do. You really need to connect with each other again. Maybe start with a date night? Rekindle the passion that is lacking in your everyday lives. How about sleeping in the same bed for starters, that definitely isn't helping the situation. I hope things get better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 All too often us guys hear, but don't listen. Sometimes it takes an objective third party involvement to really get the point across. A great marriage counselor can work wonders. Both of you have to be willing to put forth the effort. Your husband also needs to really understand the consequences of his continued apathy toward your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
cuppa Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 You sounded just like me last year, except for the kids. I'm the same age as you 33 and I think I'm quite cute with a decent body. Everyone who knew my story would always say "I don't understand why your husband doesn't jump you everytime he sees you". I make quite good income too (I've been in 6 digit salary since my 20s) and I think for a while, my husband put career & money over everything else until this year. I even worked 2 jobs last year (even though there was no reason for me to slave all these hours), I had zero affection last year, and guess what, I had mental breakdown. When I turned to my husband for affection due to a stress at work and told him I need a break for my sanity, he told me to keep working because of our monthly expense. So I tried to do counseling, but like your husband, he was also resentful that we had to take his time off work and drove 45 mins to see the counselor. After numerous attempts, we are now in the process of doing trial separation (I'm doing house hunting at the moment). Story like us is very familiar, it's not going to be an easy road either way. I found out recently in the locker conversation after my boxing class that half of the beautiful women in my class are going through or went through divorce. All of them are beautiful, nice figure, and successful but even then, it was tough for them. So yeah, think about it and if you think you are happier single, perhaps told him that you need to be the priority, if everything else fails, then do what I do, trial separation. Link to post Share on other sites
cuppa Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 All too often us guys hear, but don't listen. Sometimes it takes an objective third party involvement to really get the point across. And all too often for women, when our heart turns cold, we couldn't revert back. We will try try try try but once it's gone then it's gone. It's sad really . Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 you need to have a serious "let's sit down and talk" conversation with him. If he says the usual stuff - "but I do love you, etc. - insist on MC... it's silly to throw everything away if you haven't even tried to save your marriage yet... Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Often working this hard is avoidance behavior. Is he keeping a distance because the sexual attraction part is NOT there for him and whatever his sexual preferences are he is not comfortable sharing them with you? This would likely be due to a lack of attraction for adult females. The better his family the more closely he will guard his secret. Sometimes you can determine a mans preferences by using a keylogger to track their porn usage/preferences. But some men don't watch porn and the keylogger won't tell you much. It likely doesn't matter though since it seems almost certain that he is not capable of meeting your needs. Marriage vows start with a vow to love - sounds like he has been breaching that for a long long time. I consider myself a very out-going, attractive 33 year old woman. I'm a mother to a two year little boy and a step-mom to a ten year old. I'm also a wife, but sometimes I feel like a widow. I work hard, make above average income, and take excellent care of my son. My husband and I sleep in seperate beds. We work opposite schedules and rarely spend any time together, let alone QUALITY time together. There is NO romance, very little sex and my husband is so wrapped up in his job (which he finds very rewarding) that he has no time for me. My happiness is not a priority in his life. I've expressed my feelings numerous times over the years. He's an honest man, we've been together for ten years: married for four, living together for nine approximately. I don't suspect him of infidelity because over a decade he has proved to be an genuinely honest person who comes from a family with good morals/values. Althouh sometimes I DO speculate why he works such long hours. He takes no genuine personal interest in me or anything that goes on in my life. There is no affection, other than a peck in the morning and in the evening and maybe a quick one armed hug on his part. Part of me hates him for not loving me. The other part of me just wants to leave him and be better off. We sleep in seperate rooms (this started when my newborn was sleeping in the bed with me and has continued for over a year). I wake up alone, I work/I commute, I come home in the evenings to an empty house (with the exception of my son & step-son if it's our week to have him), and I go to bed alone. Sex 5 times over the last year and not often before that (after my son was born).Regular sex stopped after my son was born. I'm tired of being alone. I deserve to be loved, could easily have my choice of men. Not to mention ones who could actually provide for me, but by choice, not necessity. I miss having a man who desires me emotionally, sexually, and just enjoys my company. I'm lonely and I'm beautiful. I don't NEED my husband, but feel obligated to the "til death do us part" vow in front of God thing (I meant that more seriously than it sounded). Not to mention, I love him...just not sure I'm in love with him anymore. After what seems like a few years of marital neglect I'm fed up. I DESERVE to be loved and I don't feel loved. Then there is the custody issues, marital property divorce drama I couldn't bear emotionally right now. I watch romantic movies and/or see couples and get jealous and LONG for a man who does some of the things I see other REAL people do. I WISH I had a man like that. I understand having activities that don't involve you significant other, but didn't think that was supposed to be EVERY activity. I want to feel passion, I want to feel love again. My husband can no longer, or no longer wishes to provide it. Any THOUGHTFUL responses would be appreciated. At times I want to cry because I don't think my husband loves me anymore when I'm a good monther, home-maker, wife, step-mom and more. There is nothing i wouldn't do for my family and I don't understand how he can be content KNOWING i'm unhappy. He KNOWS how I feel about about the fact that he's not affectionate toward me AT ALL. I've communicated clearly, he just doesn't care or doesn't want to listen. I made alot of changes and sacrifices to be a good wife. Sometimes I just wish he was a better husband. We don't cuddle at all. I'm turning in to a bitter grouch and that's not who I want to be. Several times I've though of leaving him and taking my son. I'm his primary financial provider and his preference after all. He's a momma's boy. I would encourage a good relationship with his father, which I'm sure my husband would want. Sometimes I'm a wreck emotionally. In additon to a stressful job, I have no emotional or physical outlets, aside from they gym. I complain to my mom (one of my best friends) and it makes my husband look bad. I don't want to hurt him by leaving, but it hurts me to stay. Then I wonder...if I did leave, would I later regret it? I speculate that he may feel inadequate by the fact that I've always made more money than him. As well as the fact that it seems nothing he ever does is good enough. Bottom line is: MY HUSBAND IS NOT SATISFYING MY NEEDS AND I DON'T SEE THAT CHANGING ANY TIME SOON. I've communicated clearly numerous times. E-mails, text messages, verbally...what else can I do? We can't even see a marriage counselor because it doesn't fit around our busy work schedules, and neither of us have very flexible hours due to the type of work that we do. I NEED HELP, I NEED LOVE, I NEED AFFECTION, I NEED COMPANSIONSHIP. I HAVE NONE!...but could easily get it elsewhere...suggestions? thoughts? someone? anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Resentful Posted March 11, 2010 Author Share Posted March 11, 2010 Today is a much better day for me. Thank you all for the advice and suggestions. I agree with alot of what was said, not some... We agreed to try marriage counseling today, but now the hard part is getting off of work without affecting our jobs...it will be difficult, but can't hurt to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 We agreed to try marriage counseling today, but now the hard part is getting off of work without affecting our jobs...it will be difficult, but can't hurt to try. To the casual reader, it looks like your priorities are almost completely out of whack. What could be more important right now than addressing the issues in your marriage? I mean, if you child was hospitalized, would you say "don't know if we can get off work"? You both - and you don't come off any better than him in this regard - seem like you're living to work. And that carries with it an obvious price... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 Yeah, wait until discovery(disclosure), depositions, arbitration and/or court appearances chew into work time, along with the commensurate costs. Hope work pays well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Resentful Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 What I should have said is: I NEED my job if I want a home to raise my son in. I'm WILLING! My boss is NOT flexible witrh scheduling. You raise good points and I'm trying to be openly objective to all your feedback. I'm not in a financial position where I can afford to lose my job. I feel I've already lost my husband. I'll give all advice much more thought and post again after digesting/processing these comments. And thank you for holding up that mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 I'm not in a financial position where I can afford to lose my job. I feel I've already lost my husband. You haven't lost your husband, yet... but you do need to put the effort in... good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts