Karen Posted May 7, 2003 Share Posted May 7, 2003 Hi, My boyfriend and I are in college and have been living together for 1 year. He will be graduating this month, and I'm afraid that he may leave me. I think that he is still in love with his ex whom he liked for two and a half years but they never lived together. He said that he broke up with his ex because she is a virgin would not have sex with him. He still calls his ex and sometimes visits her when I'm not around. He even calls her and gives her gifts on holidays. I called her one day after seeing her number on the caller ID, and asked her if he is still seeing her. She said that they see one another every once in a while. I told her that I was his girlfriend and that we lived together. She said that he never told her that he was seeing anyone else. He sometimes tells me to call her house and hang up. He tries to make me believe that he doesn't care for her anymore. I think that he just does this to see if she's at home or not. One day I overheard him telling her on the phone. "I still want you to be my wife." We had a big argument and I told him to leave. He said that he was just lying to her, and that I was the one that he loved. I called her and asked her about him. She said that they talked about marriage before. I don't know if he's just using me for sex or for a place to stay because he can't afford rent on his own. She lives with 2 other roomates. I try to keep him from visiting her by giving him an ultimatum and telling him to go places with me and if he goes by himself he has to be in by a certain time or I'll move out. I'm really confused and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that he will leave me after he graduates and go back to her. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted May 7, 2003 Share Posted May 7, 2003 Move out. This guy is so clearly still hung up on his ex that it does you no good to be in a relationship with him. If he doesn't leave you for her, he will leave you for someone else. He does not care for you the way he should. If you don't believe me, here are your red flags: He still calls his ex and sometimes visits her when I'm not around. He even calls her and gives her gifts on holidays. She said that they see one another every once in a while. She said that he never told her that he was seeing anyone else. He sometimes tells me to call her house and hang up. One day I overheard him telling her on the phone. "I still want you to be my wife." She said that they talked about marriage before. I try to keep him from visiting her by giving him an ultimatum and telling him to go places with me and if he goes by himself he has to be in by a certain time or I'll move out. That is quite an amazing list, isn't it? Stop making excuses for his behavior. I have no idea what his reasons are for being this way, but you deserve a better relationship than this. There is nothing wrong with remaining friends with exes, but your boyfriend has crossed the line bigtime. Move out. You will be better off for it in the long run. You cannot spend your life hoping and praying that someone doesn't leave you. You cannot spend your life issuing ultimatums and wondering if you can trust where he is or what he is doing. You cannot spend your life crank calling your boyfriend's ex. You may hurt in the short term by moving out, but believe me, you will be better off finding a man who isn't still hung up on his ex. I suspect that she was actually the one who dumped him, given the way he is acting. SHE is his "one who got away." Link to post Share on other sites
loca Posted May 7, 2003 Share Posted May 7, 2003 You actually call her house and then hang up on her so your boyfriend will know if she is at home or not? Have you lost your mind? And, why do you have to call her to get the truth? You and your boyfriend should have a relationship that is truthful. You should not have to go to a 3rd party (ex-girlfriend) to get the honest answer. And who says she is being honest? You need to dump the boyfriend. Who wants to give their b/f a curfew so they know where they are? You do not trust him. Sounds like to me he is just using you for sex AND a place to stay. Good luck and find a man who can support himself and isn't telling another woman he wants her to be his wife. You deserve better! Link to post Share on other sites
velos142 Posted May 7, 2003 Share Posted May 7, 2003 This guy is totally using you. Move out. Certainly, this may not be easy but it will not get any easier with time. Nor will the anxiety you feel decrease until he inevitably confirms your fears & leave you. You are enabling his behavior to your own harm. You deserve some one much better than one such as he who uses you not only for sex & a place to stay, but also manipulates you into causing harm to youself. It is difficult enough to manage one's own emotional health without also facing the burden of managing another's deficits & it seems to me your b/f has several. It seems to me that he is engaging in a campaign of lies & manipulation to compensate for or allieviate his own pre-graduation fears & insecurities. It sounds like he has yet to realize that he is a big boy & that he must take care of himself (or maybe he has & is just so terrified of doing so that he would rather game you into believing that he can be trusted - he can't). Clia & loca are 100% on the mark here - get out because you deserve way better! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts