justhighlyconfused Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 My husband and I have been married for less than two years and I am having some majors issues and doubts. We lived together for three years before getting married and have been together on and off for 9 years. I do love him, but I am confused and dont know if it is enough anymore. I am probally just going to start rambling, but I dont really have anyone that I can trust or that will understand my issues. My first issue is the sex. I hate to sound mean but my husband is way below average in the size department and I used to be fine with that because he would take care of me in other ways, but now he doesnt even try he just gets his and that is it. Also the longest he has lasted in a year is 5 minutes and that is with me controling it. I feel so bad because I wait until he is alseep and take care of my self. How am I supposed to tell my husband that he is too small? And he needs to take care of me in other ways? Until now have never cheated on him since we have been together, (he cant say the same), but I find myself wanting too, and I dont know what came over me but I did it. And I feel bad for not feeling guilty. I feel selfish becasue it is not my husbands fault for what god gave him. Any advice on this stituation would be great or just someone that can relate with me. The next issues is, he is lazy when it comes to stuff around the house. I think that he has picked up the weedeater maybe twice in the five years that we have lived at our house. He doesnt take the trash out or clean up the yard or porch. I end up doing everything for the outside and inside. What can I do that will get his ass out of a chair and put his beer down? He also has a problem with finances. I am a tight wad now becasue of some past money issues caused by a car accident. I dont like to be broke. We both make decent money and dont have that many bills besides the norm, but he spends it all on beer, and junk that we dont need I dont think that he can go one day without spending any money. I go without alot to let him have what he wants, because his wants never stop. It is always something that he just has to have. In the mean while I cant even buy a new dishwasher that has been broke for 8 months becasue he wants new tires on his 4-wheeler, or he needs something for his truck, or he wants to go riding somewhere 3 hours away and needs beer and gas money, it just keeps going on and on. I on the other hand am happy to just buy some books every once and a while and to have the clothes I need for work. I am just very confused, because I do love my husband very much and I know that I only listed the bad things, but there are alot of goods things about or marriage also. He does sweet things every once in awhile that make me remember why I love him. If I have a bad day at work he has a hot bath waiting for me when I get home and he will cook supper and take care of our dogs for me. I dont know what to do. We dont have kids yet, so if I leave it needs to be before we do. Any advice would be helpful. Please Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Your marriage has some pretty serious issues, no doubt. And I'm guessing the communication between you two isn't so hot, either. Have you tried sitting down with him and calmly explaining what would make the marriage better and how both of you can work to get there? If so, and it hasn't gotten you anywhere, have you considered marriage counseling to get help with communication? Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I was with my ex for 8 years 4 married...and I had the same sex problem...it sucked he was very small and couldn't last a secpnd I never in those 8 years had an orgasm from intercourse my needs had to be met a different way as well...and it took a toll in our relationship...eventually that and other reasons led me to have an A...( I'm now w my OM and couldn't be happier) anyhow sex is something that needs to be communicated otherwise nothing changes and although he won't grow a penis you can try other positions that allow deeper penetration and migh make a difference...about his laziness then again communication and prioritizing a dishwasher is more important than tires on a 4-wheeler... maybe when you do work in the yard ask him to give you a hand and you can both have a beer together while doing some teamwork out there...you'll get a hand and he can still have his beloved beer...trust me it works...as far as finances goes why not set allowance? for the 2 of you...ok he can have x amt weekly for himself and so can you and its up to the 2 of you how you spend it individually but if you run out too bad gotta wait for nxt week...you can also put x amts on a savings for emergency situations lik for example the dish washer breaking. Link to post Share on other sites
Teslacoil Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 First of all, having a bad sex life isn't an excuse for an affair. An affair is a betrayal of much more than sex with another man. If you haven't stopped the affair already, do so immediately. I'll echo what others are saying, and tell you that it sounds like your communication with your husband isn't very good. I'm betting this falls on both of you. You're not communicating with him, and he's not communicating with you. If you ARE communicating with each other, you're doing it in a language the other person doesn't understand. I'll give you some quick steps. 1) Start marriage counseling. This will help with your communication hopefully. When communication breaks down, a third party can really be an asset to get both partners on the same playing field. 2) Set a monthly expense budget for him. Explain that his gas, beer, and fun money all come out of this budget, and he can't go over it. Clearly explain what is and isn't an expense, so that he isn't confused when he goes over budget by eating out at restaurants, or buying some part for his car. 3) Try some sexual experimentation. Watch a movie together, do something out of your normal sexual routine. If you only typically are intimate at night, approach him in the middle of the day, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justhighlyconfused Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 I appreciate the advise. I have tried the budget thing with him, but he still goes over. I would have to take him off of the Bank account for that to work. He will not let me do that. As far as the affair thing, I wouldnt call thirty mintues an affair. I know that it is still cheating even though there was no emotional attachment for either of us and still isnt. It was one of my husband's "friends". The reason that I dont feel bad is because when we got married we had an "open relationship" , even though we did not take advantage of it often maybe three times with the same couple. For 4 years until Dec. of last year we had an agreement that we could sleep with other people as long we both agree. Now my husband has taken away that agreement. It is an odd situation. I have also tried different positions in bed but nothing has worked. We used to watch porns together, but not anymore. I have asked him why he doesnt do oral for me anymore he says that he is just so tired from work and that I am "lucky" to get anything. Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I am "lucky" to get anything. Lucky to get anything? That's a crock of crap!!!! You've gotta be kidding me. And with regards to the open marriage - WHY did he renig on that agreement? Do you think HE has had an affair & realizes it's not such a good idea afterall? (I would be suspicious...Especially with a "You're lucky to get what you do get" comment) This is all very interesting to me....he sounds somewhat like my husband. (Not able to last longer than 5 min.-Lazy-Can't keep within a budget) Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 You need to tell him all these things. It is common for spouses to have gripes and needs that go unfulfilled from each other. He deserves the chance to do something about these things. If he isn't receptive you may need the help pf a therapist. Definitely try to communicate before you have an affair. Trust me, I am married and just ended an A. It left a trail of destruction and is very painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Teslacoil Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I appreciate the advise. I have tried the budget thing with him, but he still goes over. I would have to take him off of the Bank account for that to work. He will not let me do that. As far as the affair thing, I wouldnt call thirty mintues an affair. I know that it is still cheating even though there was no emotional attachment for either of us and still isnt. It was one of my husband's "friends". The reason that I dont feel bad is because when we got married we had an "open relationship" , even though we did not take advantage of it often maybe three times with the same couple. For 4 years until Dec. of last year we had an agreement that we could sleep with other people as long we both agree. That's some nice rationalization you've got going on right there. You still cheated on him, and it's pretty inexcusable. If you want other physical relationships, you should talk to your husband and tell him honestly that you want to "re-open" the relationship. If he's so "tired from work" I suppose the obvious first step would be to approach him when he's not tired. If he's tired all the time, maybe it's time you two took a vacation somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Gals ! If you didn't like your short dicked men why were you with them before you married... and why on earth did you marry them? Try and answer honestly. I'll bet you that the answer isn't sexual in nature it's more financial, or sociological. As for the beer and rides, or tires for the 4 wheeler when moneys tight... talk about it. In this economy we are all making sacrifices. It's not going to get better for awhile, it's learn or starve time for lots of us. Link to post Share on other sites
JayJ Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 I know how you girls feel. I stopped having sex with my wife years ago because her boobs are too small. Link to post Share on other sites
SansSouci Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 LOL! How very provocative.....I know how you girls feel. I stopped having sex with my wife years ago because her boobs are too small. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Gals ! If you didn't like your short dicked men why were you with them before you married... and why on earth did you marry them? Try and answer honestly. I'll bet you that the answer isn't sexual in nature it's more financial, or sociological. I was going to ask the same thing myself. Link to post Share on other sites
StarChick Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I know how you girls feel. I stopped having sex with my wife years ago because her boobs are too small. You don't screw with your boobs. ....well, most people don't, anyway. Ack! Apples and oranges, however you want to say it. Anyway, I thought the OP said that before, he would take care of her needs in "other ways" before intercourse? Then he stopped. That's where one of the many problems lie. (just to answer the question above about liking short-dicked men before marriage) Link to post Share on other sites
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