yummyyummy Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 A little background, we just had our first baby 2 weeks ago, so right now my emotions are kinda outta whack My husband works w/mostly females, a few that he is friends with. One in particular he seems kinda close to him (talking wise). I know they text each other once in awhile but mostly about either work or her asking how me and baby are doing. She is in a book club with me so I kind of know her too. Well since we've been home w/the baby, I noticed on my computer that husband has gone to her facebook page many times--she doesn't really use it often so I have no idea why he did that So I asked him about it and he said he just went there out of habit. He said it was stupid to do, and also something about the # of pics didn't match up with the actual pictures so he was just curious... So why would he be so concerned about that? Also, one time he went on to check her page was at like 6am before work...what is that about? He said he didn't know why, again out of habit.... Husband is not close with his family, and we don't live where he grew up so his friends now are basically just his coworkers--which I feel badly about because I know sometimes he feels kinda lonely... When I went in to have my C-section, he had 20mins until he was allowed in, and he was texting all his coworkers about what was going on, so they're kind of his support/friends too because he doesn't have a group of friends here So am I overreacting that he is close friends with this one girl? I basically told him it bothers me and he said he's sorry and he won't be as close and it was stupid of him to check her page out for no reason He didn't actually do anything, he's just friends with her, but something just doesn't sit right with me. I guess I just don't like he's close friends with a girl who's single. I don't know--I feel like if it was a guy I'd feel different. I THINK she is a nice person, I've seen her texts to him (just asking how the baby is, how I'm doing, funny things that happened at work, etc), so I don't think she has any kind of bad intentions, but it made me upset...I kept thinking is he interested in her etc? Why is she texting him? Just cause they're friends? Just recently having had a baby, him being home with me for a few weeks now and this has made me so stressed I did have some talks with him about this. He told me he looks at her like a sister-type friend, kind of looking out for her. This girl was married and cheated on and is now single, so he feels badly for her, which I understand but I don't want their friendship to fruition into something else. I should say that he does talk to others at work, not just her, but he is closest to her because they just seem to get along and he said he bounces ideas off of her at work, and vice versa. He also told me our family is most important to him first and if it makes me that uncomfortable, he will back of this friendship. He said he'll not be friends to make it simpler, but he's not happy about it. I said he could just back off the friendship but he said no he'll just drop being her friend, its not worth the fighting with me. I don't want him to hate me and be resentful though I don't want him to not have a social support network, so I'm trying to encourage him to build a better relationship with his family (who's not in the area and seem to have a lack of social skills) and to try and make more friends. Of course most of the people he works with (like 95% of them) are females which makes it harder. With both of us busy, and now baby here, I wonder how he can make more friends, and for myself too. I think both of us struggle with have a group or network of friends because of moving around, and friends moving away. Some of family is close by but unfortunately its VERY small. Last year when husband would lose temper I asked him to go talk to a counselor/therapist, and he's been going. I've also been invited to go to the sessions and so I'm going with him to the next one. I probably should bring this up, the emotional needs, friends/support issues. It doesn't help that in college I had a boyfriend who cheated on me--I suspected it, was told I was being crazy and ultimately I found out he was cheating on me and it made me sick. Also, I probably have some issues myself with trust as my Dad has basically left my life since I was a teenager, and I only had one sibling (my brother) who passed away 7 yrs ago. So I feel like in an instant things can change, and I can be alone. I know, it sounds stupid. I guess he has a soft spot for her because she was married before, cheated on and now divorced. He says he is just looking out for her, but because of the conflict its causing with me, he will back off the friendship. He also is taking a test for work (not req'd, but for a raise-), that she has taken before and I think he may be asking her for some help too about it This is just frustrating for me--I should be just focused on baby right now, not our relationship! What do you all think? I guess what matters more is what I think of that, and I know she's not the only one he texts. The texts are literally like this: From her: How's the baby? Are you guys managing at home alright? From him: Things are settling down. You should come visit us, thanks for baby's gift. or the emails are like, From her: So and so at work did this etc (something funny/stupid) LOL From him: Sounds like nothing's changed. Hope your week is going well. Feel free to email/text/call/smoke signal
angie2443 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 He didn't actually do anything, he's just friends with her, but something just doesn't sit right with me. Why doesn't it sit right with you? What does your gut tell you? Your situation is not unique. I think you need to define within yourself what bounderies you are confortable with in your relationship and talk to your husband about it. Read up on emotional affairs. This may or may not be one. Reading up on it may help you find out. My opinion is that bieng close friends with people you have even a little attraction to can harm or destroy a marriage. Some will agree, others will disagree. My experience and the experience of others on here on these boards had taught me that if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Good luck.
angie2443 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I just thought of something else. He said he is willing to end the friendship. Let him. If the friendship was no big deal, he'll have no problem letting go. If he becomes resentful, or tries to keep the friendship without you knowing, then you know this friendship is to close for confort.
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I just thought of something else. He said he is willing to end the friendship. Let him. If the friendship was no big deal, he'll have no problem letting go. If he becomes resentful, or tries to keep the friendship without you knowing, then you know this friendship is to close for confort. This is the credited response. If he after he said that he will end the friendship and then he is sneaky and talk to her behind your back, you know something is going on. Does he check other people's facebook often? Does he check other people's facebook at 6 am? If the answer is "no," then you know who is on his mind all the time. Something fishy is going on. If you let this frienship to continue and blossom, you might find him coming home one day and tell you that he loves you, but is not in love with you and that he is confused. Then before you know it, he wants to move out and start talking about filing for divorce.
D-Lish Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 If there is a nagging feeling that something "isn't right", you shouldn't ignore that feeling. We ignore our instincts far too often- often to our own detriment. It sounds like the foundation for an emotional affair. I'd nip this in the bud asap. If you are going to a therapy session with your husband, it would be a great opportunity to bring this up. Don't skirt around the issue- come right out with your thoughts about this. The fact that he is constantly checking her facebook page is a pretty big red flag. If he's doing it first thing in the morning- doesn't that mean it's one of the first things on his mind when he wakes up? It's really easy for him to "say" he'll give up the friendship for you- but that is a cop out. Basically, by suggesting he'll do it if you want him to- he's making you the bad guy. For all you know- he won't end the friendship, it will just become their secret. They work together, so they will still be seeing each other all day most days. I don't think your radar is off at all. Address this right away!
Athena Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I think he is ripe for an affair with her. That's how a lot of affairs start out -- with an available, needy female, and a man who is attracted to her and feels like protecting her. You absolutely should allow him to end this friendship and do not feel bad about it! He is showing big red flags and even if he cannot allow himself to see his attraction to her (say, if he is in Denial right now) it is usually most obvious to Others when two people are attracted to one another. Other people sense it first, sometimes before the two people can admit it to themselves. You should go with to the counselor and very specifically voice your concerns over this inappropriate relationship. And the fact that she was cheated on before is NO guarantee that she would not hook up with your H. Affairs start off innocuously enough... but ... trust your gut instinct... your H is attracted to her, and she is making herself 'available'... his mind is on her (thus the first thing in the morning checking on her facebook). You both need to have an Open and honest discussion in front of the counselor, and don't you back off!!!! Stick to your guns even if his counselor says it's nothing to be concerned about! A lot of new fathers feel neglected when the first baby arrives, and are more vulnerable to being needed by another woman, and needy themselves of more attention.
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